Do you ever hit your children?

Zehava

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 5:25 pm

I have in the past once in a while in stressful situations and I'm not proud of it.
My dd told me it's wrong and I shouldn't do it and I told her she's right and I'm sorry.
She has fluid in her ears which makes her act crazy sometimes. I try to remember she isn't doing it to spite me. Recently I've taken to hugging her whenever I feel like hitting her. Believe it or not but it actually works!

amother

Pewter

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 9:23 pm

No, never! I'd give a small potch if a child too young to understand the concept of danger is doing something dangerous (like touching stove etc) that it should become a negative thing in their mind. It b"h never happened yet...
My parents hit on occasion.
Dh's family is completely dysfunctional when it comes to hitting. My mil hits, throws shoes, and bil says she bit him once.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 9:36 pm

Zehava wrote:

You go Zehava!

I also find that when DD acts up, I tell her that I love her but it bothers me when she does XYZ....and I get way better results from this then just telling her off. I can be firm and even insistent that she behave, but accompanying it with a loving squeeze goes a long way.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 10:48 pm

When my 4 yo dd sometimes starts hitting me, I think she's really craving sensory stimulation.

So like Zehava said, I try to give her a tight hug in my lap, and she usually calms down right away (and tells me she loves me Wink

It was a whole new way of looking at it, to realize that I didn't need to worry about disciplining her not to hit. Just divert (I say lightly, No hitting), and give her what she needs.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 1:42 am

I hit and yell just like my own parents did. I'm in therapy now but my parenting techniques haven׳t changed. It bothers me immensely. I'm afraid to explain to my therapist the extent of my anger bec I'm afraid of her reporting me. Please guide me!

amother

Natural

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 2:13 am

amother wrote:

The extent of your anger can't be reported- you hitting your children so much that it would constitute as abuse can be reported, and it should be.

amother

Blue

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:35 am

amother wrote:

If you are really serious about stopping this destructive behavior that your parents did to you- then maybe read parenting books and/or attend a parenting class. Sarah Chana Radcliffe seems to be a great guide for healthier parenting. I don't see any reason to tell your therapist the full extent of it if this means that she would report you. If you are really working on yourself then I don't understand why anyone would recommend that you do that.

sky

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:50 am

Chayalle wrote:

I gave an occasional potch when my kids were little...and if I did it all over again I wouldn't. I've learned better, more effective skills since then.

Same. I used to give some soft potches when my oldest kids were much younger (under 4) - in my head I had when it was acceptable - like 3 yr old pull off tichel, or do something dangerous, etc. With my younger kids I haven't potched at all. I think its a combination of learning better parenting techniques, having more patience, and just having an overall better child environment.

Zehava wrote:

She has fluid in her ears which makes her act crazy sometimes. I try to remember she isn't doing it to spite me.

My second son was an out of control child - totally crazy. Besides for having fluid we discovered it was causing major hearing issues and it was like listening to the world underwater. Within a month of putting in tubes I had a different child. When his tubes fell out he immediately reverted to his original behavior. I know how difficult it can be - and the fluid issue can really mask your true child (he is really a sweet calm kid, with a heart of gold). I really wish I had known earlier the cause of his behavior, I would have dealt with it so differently.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 10:14 am

I rarely hit but sometimes do.Never out of anger and usually when I sense it is either me or the child who is going to end up getting hit so I'll go with the latter.

I don't consider parental hitting abuse but think it depends on the child and circumstances to decide when if ever to hit.

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 10:19 am

amother wrote:

Would you consider joining a parenting class? I found that for parenting skills, this was the best route....and I also learned alot from the other parents in the group...it's a very supportive setting.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 11:20 am

Sometimes, when we're parenting challenging children, the temptation to hit can be overwhelming because they don't even hear you, they hit you, they yell at you and use bad language. I used to feel so guilty about this, till I took a class.

Dr. Koslowitz (the one who writes a parenting column in Binah) has an amazing class called Targeted Parenting on parenting that really frustrating kind of child. But it's located here in Lakewood.

proudima

Wed, Nov 16 2016, 1:28 pm

I have to weigh in on this.

When my oldest was about 3 I smacked her really really hard several times. I then took my baby left the house and cried (dh was home). I was disgusted and appalled with myself.

She did nothing wrong - what can a 3 yo do to deserve that???? I was angry, frustrated, hated work, shalom bayit issues, and she was, in that moment, my scapegoat.

It has never happened again. For years afterwards when I went to give her a hug she would put her arms up to defend herself. Every time it was a knife to my heart.

I was hit occasionally as a child and haven't and don't suffer from it.

However, I don't think violence is ever an answer to anything.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 10:52 pm

There was once a melamed who was known that he didnt smack his students & the Rebbi from the next grade had to deal with a lot of emotional baggage from the previous year. Please dont discuss what goes on yeshivas, im not interested hearing about it! My point is, that smacking occasionally as a parent for discipline is ok ,but not out of anger! Emotional abuse is way way worse than physical. Ask me, as a victim of both. One little smack wont hurt.

pizza4

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 10:59 pm

I don't know, I saw right away that it doesn't work. I would give a small potch to dd and she'd start hitting her siblings more. And me. I guess in her mind if mommy hits then it's ok for her to hit, too. So we found other ways.

pizza4

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 11:01 pm

amother wrote:

I don't understand the story. The boys had emotional issues because they were not hit?

cnc

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 11:38 pm

I barely potch my kids. My mother did potch me a few times when I was a kid but to her credit she was always totally in control of herself and did not do it out of anger. It was also not painful. I don't think there was anything wrong with it and I'm totally fine with it.

I personally don't potch my kids because I don't see a point. The only way it'll have an impact is if I do it hard enough that it's painful and that's just plain child abuse.

There are other effective discipline methods. (I don't think smacking is chinuch- the kid will stop doing what you want them to out of fear- not because you taught them why they need to stop doing whatever it is...)

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 9:47 am

I potched DD once, out of anger and frustration. She LIKED IT! It made her giggle.

Turns out, my kiddo is super sensory seeking, and enjoys deep tickling, pinching, and rough play. She adores her weighted blanked, being squished between sofa cushions, etc.

I had to learn how to deal with her on a psychological level. "Parenting Kids with Love and Logic" was the answer for us. If your kid has high verbal ability like mine does, you can even reason with a 2yo.