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Discipline
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:00 pm
There are lots of posts about how not to discipline (hitting, yelling...)
Many times I read those and think to myself in theory it's great but I don't know how to put it into practice. I know parenting classes would be ideal for this but I can't go right now, and even if I could, there are so many I wouldn't know which is worth it to spend the money on.
So, I would like to devote this thread to ideas of implementing good parenting/discipline techniques. If possible please give specific examples with as many details as possible (exactly what child did or didn't do, your mood at the time, your inital reaction...) to give the readers the most accurate picture thereby allowing them to try and carryover in their own homes.
And, if people have a situation that they're not sure how to react or approach you can ask for adevice as well.
I guess the right thing is for me to start, so here goes:
I have a very difficult child (6 yrs old) that tests the limits constanlty. He has lots of support in school but I am overwhelmed at home between him and a younger child with special needs. By nature I am more of an uptight kind of parent. He likes to fake burp which drives me crazy. Tonight while getting into pajamas he was burping nonstop. I told him to stop. He continued. I said if you don't stop I will hit you. Yes, from time to time we do hit in this house. With him it is the only threat that ever works. Any other threat like losing playing time, or a toy is meaningless. And I do follow through. A minute or 2 passed and all was well. Then he burped 3 times so I went to hit him. He knew what was coming because he put his hands to cover himself.
What could I have done differently?
Reminder, the point is not to criticise my parenting techniques but to give helpful advice on other ways of handling the situation.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:04 pm
In simple terms choose your battles. Why are you getting so worked up over burping? You hit your child because of annoyance. Children have an immature sense of humor, maybe he thought he was being funny and he struggles with impulse control. If YOU were so annoyed by the burping you can say " I am so bothered by this right now that I am choosing to leave the room." Get up, leave, and cool yourself down.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:13 pm
If you have a diificult child than choose your battles. Also if you can't take a parenting course why not pick up a book? And I highly recommend dina friedman course if you have the time and money.
For this particular child if punishments and rewards don't work for whatever reason than maybe try conmunicating, problem solving etc....I am the mother of a difficult child.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:13 pm
1. Try to look at what is motivating his behavior, and act accordingly. Why do you think he does the fake burping? Is he looking for attention from you? With children, even negative attention feels better than being ignored. If so, when the burping starts, try to give him attention and engage him in a positive way (ie. Ask him about his day, read him a book, cuddle with him, etc.). Even better, give him attention proactively before the negative behavior starts so he won't feel the need to get your attention this way.

2. It sounds like you need to do a lot of relationship building with your son. It is sad that he is expecting violence from you. Behavior management is so much easier when you have a positive relationship in place. Try to spend more positive time with him in ways that he enjoys. (Ie. Play on the floor with him, take him out just you and him alone, have him help in the kitchen, etc.)

3. Planned ignoring. You don't need to respond at all to the burping. If you don't give it attention, it will diminish on its own. This is true for any negative annoying g behavior. Consciously choose to ignore the behavior, and respond only to the positive behaviors that he does in a very enthusiastic way. For example, if he is burping while he puts on pajamas, say "oh wow, you put on your pajamas so well all by yourself! Now we have extra time for a story!". Without saying a word about the burping. Focus on the positive, ignore the negative.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:22 pm
Email jewishworkshops@jewishworkshops.com
and ask to join Sara Chana Radcliffe's free webinar next week
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:38 pm
Also did you ever try time out.
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 8:55 pm
Negative attention even beatings are preferred by children who feel ignored or overlooked! He just might need more positive attention as others said and ignore negative behavior!
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:11 pm
I think the #1 method for dealing with kids in general is a "do not". Namely "do not yell or smack"
When you yell, you take a low or medium grade behavior and automatically escalate it into a chaotic situation. Child feels accused, resists and defends and the whole night spirals downward. I am speaking from personal experience here!
Case in point, my 5 yr old loves to pick up the baby and walk around the house with her. Tonight, as I was making supper, I literally needed to stop what I was doing 7 times to go take the baby (8 months) away from him and remind him that we don't pick up babies without Mommy's help. It was frustrating and infuriating but I felt so good when he came out of the bath this evening, wrapped his arms around her and DIDNT pick her up!!!
Other example:
My 8 year old plays with his cars in the dining room with very loud sound effects. Recently, the 3 yr old started matching his noises with his own screams. My other children beg me to get them quiet because the volume is so loud. When it gets terrible, I walk over to him, take away the car that he's playing with and tell him he can have the car back if he plays in his room with the door closed. Until that point, I tell my other kids to go play in their rooms if they can't handle the noise
I am constantly reminding myself that child-raising is not supposed to be easy and that having a calm house where parents and children are respected is way more important than having a clean house and decent supper. In my house, children have been known to go to school in dirty socks, I've signed hw papers that weren't completed, served plain bread for supper, gone 2 weeks without bathing my baby - you name it- I've done it...
But, I rarely yell at my kids, I never smack and my kids are actually doing better in school and at home. My house has, over the years, fallen into a system where it is well maintained, the kids help out and there is a minimum of chaos all around.
My point is, raising a family is a process and what works for one mother or one child will not work for all but staying calm does work for everyone, and when you are not in a panic over every behavior all the time, you will have the head space to actually address issues and, most of all, enjoy your children!!
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:13 pm
I have found parenting from a distance (sitting on the sofa, chair or lying in bed) usually ineffective. Instead I need to stand up and take charge.

If my child is hitting a sibling for example I need to walk over, and tell the child to go into time out. Right now.

If my kids get too wild and disaster seems imminent, I need to stand up and separate them for some cooling down time.

Also I stick to the point. If my child is supposed to clean her room, I ignore her chutzpahdik protest. I stick to my guns and only pay attention to getting that accomplished.

Noticing the positive a child does and ignoring negative as much as possible works wonders too.

Noticing the bad behavior is like picking at a scab. Best sometimes to leave it to heal on it's own.

Make a commitment never to hit. It will force your brain to come up with other ways to reach your child.

Always balance attunement and nurturing, with expectation. Both are equally important. A child needs love and a child needs that we expect from them. Like chores, cooperation, home work, etc.

The attunement and nurturing fill a child with love, connection, security and worthiness. And the expectation a give a child a sense of responsibility, and competence.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:17 pm
I also wanted to add, that when I stopped yelling at my kids, I did it together with a friend. We spoke every day (sometimes every hour!) encouraged each other, reprimanded each other, cried together and laughed together. It was the most amazing, most intense year of my life but every single moment of misery was worth it! If you have someone who would do it with you, it makes it so much easier to get through
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:23 pm
justforfun87 wrote:
In simple terms choose your battles. Why are you getting so worked up over burping? You hit your child because of annoyance. Children have an immature sense of humor, maybe he thought he was being funny and he struggles with impulse control. If YOU were so annoyed by the burping you can say " I am so bothered by this right now that I am choosing to leave the room." Get up, leave, and cool yourself down.

If I left the room I wouldn't be able to get him ready for bed. He needs someone on top of him to get it done
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:24 pm
behappy2 wrote:
If you have a diificult child than choose your battles. Also if you can't take a parenting course why not pick up a book? And I highly recommend dina friedman course if you have the time and money.
For this particular child if punishments and rewards don't work for whatever reason than maybe try conmunicating, problem solving etc....I am the mother of a difficult child.

Can you elaborate on your suggestion for communicating, and problem solving?
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:28 pm
amother wrote:
1. Try to look at what is motivating his behavior, and act accordingly. Why do you think he does the fake burping? Is he looking for attention from you? With children, even negative attention feels better than being ignored. If so, when the burping starts, try to give him attention and engage him in a positive way (ie. Ask him about his day, read him a book, cuddle with him, etc.). Even better, give him attention proactively before the negative behavior starts so he won't feel the need to get your attention this way.

2. It sounds like you need to do a lot of relationship building with your son. It is sad that he is expecting violence from you. Behavior management is so much easier when you have a positive relationship in place. Try to spend more positive time with him in ways that he enjoys. (Ie. Play on the floor with him, take him out just you and him alone, have him help in the kitchen, etc.)

3. Planned ignoring. You don't need to respond at all to the burping. If you don't give it attention, it will diminish on its own. This is true for any negative annoying g behavior. Consciously choose to ignore the behavior, and respond only to the positive behaviors that he does in a very enthusiastic way. For example, if he is burping while he puts on pajamas, say "oh wow, you put on your pajamas so well all by yourself! Now we have extra time for a story!". Without saying a word about the burping. Focus on the positive, ignore the negative.

Positive attention hasn't really worked with him. We do try it often. And I will continue to try it.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:29 pm
MitzadSheini wrote:
Email jewishworkshops@jewishworkshops.com
and ask to join Sara Chana Radcliffe's free webinar next week

Thank you. I will look into it
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:29 pm
behappy2 wrote:
Also did you ever try time out.

Never worked for him
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:32 pm
unexpected wrote:
I think the #1 method for dealing with kids in general is a "do not". Namely "do not yell or smack"
When you yell, you take a low or medium grade behavior and automatically escalate it into a chaotic situation. Child feels accused, resists and defends and the whole night spirals downward. I am speaking from personal experience here!
Case in point, my 5 yr old loves to pick up the baby and walk around the house with her. Tonight, as I was making supper, I literally needed to stop what I was doing 7 times to go take the baby (8 months) away from him and remind him that we don't pick up babies without Mommy's help. It was frustrating and infuriating but I felt so good when he came out of the bath this evening, wrapped his arms around her and DIDNT pick her up!!!
Other example:
My 8 year old plays with his cars in the dining room with very loud sound effects. Recently, the 3 yr old started matching his noises with his own screams. My other children beg me to get them quiet because the volume is so loud. When it gets terrible, I walk over to him, take away the car that he's playing with and tell him he can have the car back if he plays in his room with the door closed. Until that point, I tell my other kids to go play in their rooms if they can't handle the noise
I am constantly reminding myself that child-raising is not supposed to be easy and that having a calm house where parents and children are respected is way more important than having a clean house and decent supper. In my house, children have been known to go to school in dirty socks, I've signed hw papers that weren't completed, served plain bread for supper, gone 2 weeks without bathing my baby - you name it- I've done it...
But, I rarely yell at my kids, I never smack and my kids are actually doing better in school and at home. My house has, over the years, fallen into a system where it is well maintained, the kids help out and there is a minimum of chaos all around.
My point is, raising a family is a process and what works for one mother or one child will not work for all but staying calm does work for everyone, and when you are not in a panic over every behavior all the time, you will have the head space to actually address issues and, most of all, enjoy your children!!

Thanks for the examples. Really helpful
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:34 pm
sneakermom wrote:
I have found parenting from a distance (sitting on the sofa, chair or lying in bed) usually ineffective. Instead I need to stand up and take charge.

If my child is hitting a sibling for example I need to walk over, and tell the child to go into time out. Right now.

If my kids get too wild and disaster seems imminent, I need to stand up and separate them for some cooling down time.

Also I stick to the point. If my child is supposed to clean her room, I ignore her chutzpahdik protest. I stick to my guns and only pay attention to getting that accomplished.

Noticing the positive a child does and ignoring negative as much as possible works wonders too.

Noticing the bad behavior is like picking at a scab. Best sometimes to leave it to heal on it's own.

Make a commitment never to hit. It will force your brain to come up with other ways to reach your child.

Always balance attunement and nurturing, with expectation. Both are equally important. A child needs love and a child needs that we expect from them. Like chores, cooperation, home work, etc.

The attunement and nurturing fill a child with love, connection, security and worthiness. And the expectation a give a child a sense of responsibility, and competence.

Thank you.
Good points
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 9:36 pm
Thanks to all those that responded.
I was hoping this can be a helpful thread to many people, not just me. So if there are others that have examples please share.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2016, 10:40 pm
amother wrote:
If I left the room I wouldn't be able to get him ready for bed. He needs someone on top of him to get it done

Your son's overall well being benefits way more from not being smacked than making sure teeth are brushed or pajamas put on. Sometimes if I have HAD IT with my kids I skip the whole bedtime routine. You really need to keep your long term goals in mind. If you don't want to hit you need to figure out ways to get less triggered from his behavior.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Thu, Nov 17 2016, 5:47 am
amother wrote:
Positive attention hasn't really worked with him. We do try it often. And I will continue to try it.



I was in a similar place to you, years ago.

It can take months of work. It took me years with my son. Please don't ever stop trying and don't give up on positive attention. But make sure you really feel what you are doing and are honest about what you are saying, don't fake it because he will know.

When he was 3 years old I realized how bad our relationship was, since birth he was so hard for me. He used to cry all the time and I couldn't handle him. As a toddler he always seemed unhappy and I feel terrible now for how I used to deal with it.
I used to cry in the bathroom because I just didn't want to be anywhere near him, I couldn't stand my own child. He made me crazy.

The relationship I have with my now 8 year old now is constant effort: accepting him for who he is, ignoring as much negative behavior as I can, validating his feelings, listening to his constant talking and then when I really can't anymore, explain that he will have to talk to me later - without making him feel bad, giving him positive attention and pointing out his positive efforts as much as I can.. its exhausting and constant.

My next two children were totally different experiences and it validated me a lot when I realized I could stop blaming myself for his behavior, even though the work to repair it was all on me, not him.
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