Discipline | Imamother

saw50st8

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 7:15 am

I really like the book parenting with love and logic. It's an easy read and very practical.

What I would have done is said to my child "DC, that noise really bothers me. I would really like to stay here and help you get ready for bed, but I can't stay while you are burping. Do you want to stop and have mommy help or do you want to get ready on your own?"

If he chooses on his own, let him. If he doesn't finish in an appropriate time, put him to bed as he is. No pajamas? No problem. But then I would cut out bedtime story and say "What a shame you wasted all your story time by not getting ready. There's no time for a story." Then tuck him in and say good night.

Rarely are there victories quickly. It's a journey, not a battle.

ora_43

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 2:38 pm

amother wrote:

Positive attention hasn't really worked with him. We do try it often. And I will continue to try it.

That's just one thing it could be.

He could also be doing it because he's bored. Or maybe he's impulsive. Or maybe he's stubborn, and when you say "don't" it becomes a battle of wills. Or maybe he barely even notices he's doing it and/or wasn't listening when you told him to stop.

Does he have ADD? Curious because you mentioned also that he doesn't get ready without constant supervision.

I think that for an impulsive 6-year-old, if he goes a minute or two without doing the annoying behavior, the clock should probably restart. It's enough to remind him of the threat from two minutes earlier (which should be something other than hitting), you don't need to carry through on it if he really did make an effort to stop.

Parenting in general - I like 1-2-3 magic.

In very general, I think the most important parts are: 1. try to understand why your kids are doing what they are doing, 2. define your goals, and your red lines - what few behaviors are never OK? (eg hitting siblings) What 1-2 behaviors do you want to focus on improving at the current time? (eg kids cleaning up their toys before bed). 3. be consistent 4. take a long term view. Hitting stems from a very short term view - "I need the behavior to stop NOW." No. Unless the behavior is, like, playing with matches, it doesn't need to stop right now. The goal isn't just that kids act nicely (whether out of genuine good character or out of fear), it's that they internalize the basics of good behavior. That takes time. That's OK.

ora_43

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 2:57 pm

More specific. Based on what you said about your son, I think my six-year-old might be a lot like your six-year-old Very Happy

. So here's what I'd do:

1. Pick my battles. When my older kids were 4 I said things like "wipe your fingers on the napkin, not your skirt," with her it was more like "if you're going to do headstands on your chair while the rest of us are eating, you have to wear underwear." It is what it is.

I'm not saying don't try to stop him from burping. But do be aware of how many behaviors you're trying to deal with at once.

2. Low expectations. It's late, and I really need the kids to just go to bed already so the day can end. But that's not going to happen. I need to know that. Bedtime will be hard, six-year-old will probably lose her pajamas, "forget" to brush teeth, and start doing gymnastics on her mattress instead of lying down. Again, it is what it is. Be ready for it emotionally. Realize that it's completely fine and developmentally normal for a (clever, high-energy, low-impulse control) six year old kid.

3. Have a bribe built into the system. Like, if my kid goes to bed on time, I read her part of a story. It's fun for both of us. It's also a go-to threat. If she's acting up too much I don't need to think of what I can do that would scare her into good behavior - time out? hitting? running away to Cuba? - I just need to remind her that if she doesn't listen, I won't come read the next page of Harry Potter. Find some kind of healthy treat that can be a reward for good bedtime behavior.

Note: kids like this often like to pretend that they don't care. But they do care. Don't be afraid that if they seem unaffected by not getting the treat, they really are unaffected, and you need a stronger punishment. Give it time.

4. If she's really out of control, the punishment is time out somewhere boring. Boredom is the most effective punishment. JMHO.

5. Have an eye out for good behavior and give lots of praise when you see it, even for little improvements. "Thank you so much for not burping. I know it's hard for you to stop. I really appreciate that you were considerate of my feelings." "Good job getting dressed so quickly this morning." "You brushed your teeth without even being told. Great job!" etc. IME this is very effective. The better your relationship with the kid, the more effective it is. It's a cliche but really true that the more they feel loved, the more they'll try to be good just to get our approval.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 3:33 pm

I posted a similar version of the post below once on a thread a long time ago for handling a difficult child:

Sit down with your kids during a calm time and tell your kids what behavior is acceptable and what isn't, and that it applies to everyone. The catch is - Think it over for yourself FIRST, and separate your kids' behaviors into annoying (e.g. walking around making animal sounds or wearing socks on their hands) vs. destructive/hurtful (mooing loudly in your ear or making holes in their socks). You might want to keep a list, to remind yourself how you categorize things, and it's totally personal - something I find annoying might be hurtful for you. Then, explain the kids that anything destructive/hurtful results in one warning to stop and then if they don't stop by the time you count to ten (kids need a transition period to adjust behavior. You can even make it 1 minute and set a timer if that works better), they get an immediate 'cool' down if they don't stop - I personally like the 'cool down' rather than the time out - it's not a punishment, but a time period to calm down / re-adjust - just put the kid away from other people in a specific area (try the same one each time, but be flexible if it has to be somewhere else) but they can play or read or walk in circles or do whatever they want as long as they stay in the area and can't interact with anyone. They can come out whenever they have calmed down - you'll have to help determine this at first, but ask for their input and eventually they learn to self-regulate and tell you when they're calm enough to come out. This may not work on all kids, but I've had success even with a kid with ADHD and anger/aggression issues, so I believe it's doable for most kids. If you'll use this, explain how it works to the kids FIRST (when you tell them what behavior is acceptable or not) and explain that it's not a punishment but a way to keep things pleasant in the house and help everyone calm down when something goes wrong. Next time a kid does something destructive/hurtful, tell them what they are doing is destructive/hurtful (this helps tie their awareness of their actions to how they affect others) and it needs to stop, count to 10 and give them a timeout / cool down if they don't stop. If their behavior is just annoying (per your categories), try to ignore it by reminding yourself that even though you can't stand it, it is not hurting anyone or property (I know it's really hard. Just tell yourself over and over again. It gets easier. Also, I personally find that the annoying behavior is much less annoying than the power struggle which follows if I make a fuss). The only exception is that if there are 1-2 behaviors that are extremely annoying but not destructive (really, pick only 1 or 2, not more, or you'll make yourselves and your kids crazy. For example, in our house, screaming super loud just for the heck of it), we have a rule that we tell the kid that they are welcome to do it as much as they want, but because it is very unpleasant for everyone else (it is important to tell them, so they learn to understand that their behavior affects others and they have to be considerate), they have to do it alone in their room or only outside and they will need to go to another room if they want to continue - this way, they feel less stifled and also often lose their motivation, but even if they don't, it's not bothering you. (Even my 3 year old is starting to understand that it's not nice to make things unpleasant for other people. Now if only she'd always follow this. But at least she is aware of having to consider other people and is perfectly willing to take herself to her room to scream her head off).