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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Son needs SEIT. Help me calm down please...
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Wed, Nov 23 2016, 9:49 pm
My son is very bright, and was not eligible for speech therapy in EI (early intervention 0-3 years). He receives speech now in cpse. His teacher just called to tell me the school wants him to get a SEIT. I am having such a hard time. I'm holding back tears. Why am I so upset? Shouldn't I be happy to be able to help my child?? I am an EI SI and I know the field. I am having such a hard time accepting that my child needs special services. We give him a ton of attention, work with him, do specific strategies that help him progress. I feel like a failure.
I tell parents who have a hard time accepting help for their child to think of it as an enrichment program etc but it's not working when I say it to myself Sad

I am aware that there are so many other worse things out there and I should be happy this is the problem. Please do not post to make me feel guilty or highlight other people's issues that are worse than mine. This is what I am feeling now, and my pain is valid. It may not be rational, but I am feeling this way so I need to deal with it.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 23 2016, 10:28 pm
Ok. What I am about to say is "on the other hand....". Ie a bit out of the box. If it helps - great. If not , ignore.

Here goes.

Oh wow! That was one of the most fabulous posts I've read in ages. Here is a woman grappling with her yetzer Hara head on. That's the ultimate avoda really. On the one hand, you are anxious, sad and otherwise emotional about what Hashem has thrown at you with this child. These initial emotional reactions are also part of what has been thrown at you. By Hashem. Not in your control.

But look at you- you are straight away acknowledging the negative, potentially destructive feelings, and starting to tackle them head on. Fantastic! You are trying to tell yourself the things that you would day to your clients in this situation, and the yh is fighting back and not listening. But then you are taking the fight further and posting for support. Amazing!!!!! You see the way I see it is YOUR tafkid is to work on you. Part of that is helping your son, but another very big part is what you are doing now. Working on yourself to accept the situation as it is, and ultimately to realize that it I all for the best. I for one am so impressed to see you engaging in this struggle. It's beautiful to read about.

Kol hakov , op.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 23 2016, 10:29 pm
Double post deleted.

(I was just trying to put the "od" into kol hakavod, above)
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2016, 9:29 pm
Thanks so much for your response.
I am trying to focus on the positive- the seit is to help him as he is the youngest in his class, as p.t. delays, speech delays and is getting frustrated socially when other children do not understand him. The seit will help him by guiding him, giving words, prompting etc. I am quite worried that the seit will just baby him too much, but the teacher said she won't allow that.
Technically speaking, I have the option of not sending him to nursery this year, but he is a complicated case as he is very bright ka"h and needs the academic side, however he is the youngest so his immaturity is magnified when the older children are a year ahead.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2016, 10:13 pm
No matter how many times you help others, it can still hit hard when it's your own that needs help.

OP, you sound like you are very aware of all the sides to pay attention to.

Iy"H, he will benefit in the best ways, and a year or two from now, you'll be glad he had this support.

Keep a close eye on whether the SEIT is a good fit for your DS, and how he's doing socially.

My personal experience is that a kid who is the youngest, and on top of that, is socially immature for his age, might do better outside the school environment. Bright kids don't need the formal academic environment in order to learn. And having extra time to build social skills and self confidence can be a real plus. You almost never go wrong having your kid be one of the oldest instead of one of the youngest.

Just my 2 cents. Your mileage may vary.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2016, 11:23 pm
Ugh it is SO hard when a child is ahead in some areas and behind in others! We need Jewish 2E programs. I think this has been said ad nauseum around this forum so I'll leave it at that.

If a child isn't functioning well in school it is totally not a parental failure. School is so incredibly different from anything we can prepare them for at home, both for better and for worse. You can give them everything and it just might not be relevant to school challenges. That's actually one of the reasons I like having a SEIT - because I'm not there in school, that's the closest I can come to personally staying on top of what's going on. I'm in touch with my child's SEIT regularly and she pays attention specifically to my child, so I get the full scoop on exactly what is and isn't going well in school. Without that I would have NO CLUE and it scares me that I send my kids off at 8ish in the morning and get them back around 4 with NO idea what happens in between except the little-kid version of whatever they choose to share.

The other thing I like about having a SEIT is that if anything does come up, they can nip it in the bud. Most kids' difficulties get overlooked until they become serious due to neglect or even if it doesn't get overlooked it may take a while to get help, but the kids with SEITS have someone right there paying attention and stepping in right when it's needed.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2016, 11:25 pm
Agree with imasinger.

I'm just one person but...when I was trying to decide whether to make my kid the oldest or youngest in his class I ended up making him the youngest (on the advice of his teachers etc) because he's very advanced academically. It's years later and I totally regret it. Despite being the youngest, he's still too ahead academically, and socially (which is honestly more important than academics at the end of the day) he really suffered (and still does).

Back to your original point...your feelings are totally valid, it's painful for a parent to see that their child has (and likely will have) more challenges than typical to overcome... don't be hard on yourself for being down about it right now.

Sending you hugs...
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 25 2016, 12:21 am
Many parents deliberately do not enroll their sons if they will be the youngest in school as there is a lot of advantage to a child being emotionally and physically "older" rather than always being the youngest in his peer group.

This is just a thought because obviously all situations are individual.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 6:18 pm
Thanks everyone! All the support is very appreciated! I am feeling better; as I decided to stop worrying and allow myself to process all the information a different day (which I advise to parents... hahah.. ) when I am not having such an emotional response. About keeping him home another year- I don't have where to put him for this year! I was worried to send him as he wasn't showing all the school readiness signs, so I looked and did not find a better alternative. Playgroups (in my experience and in my area that are not a headstart program and accept children who don't have vouchers,) don't want a three year old who will ask questions and need more attention than just putting out toys, saying it's clean up time and time to use the bathroom. Oh and lunch time. It's hard to find a good playgroup where the teachers talk to the kids more than a minimal amount to begin with. So I'm not quite sure what my options are Sad and that's why he is in school! Thanks seeker, I say those type of things to parents but it feels better to hear it from someone else!
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 6:29 pm
Sorry that I sound so negative regarding playgroups:( I'm worried that if I decide that he should not be in school yet I will be stuck with sending him to a playgroup who doesn't want him, will get annoyed and he won't benefit from that either. Maybe someone knows of a three year old playgroup- is there such a thing? Honestly I am scared to think of seriously taking him out of yeshiva. Maybe he will go to nursery twice?
Another thing that pushed me to send him now is that I was one of the oldest of my grade and I hated it throughout my school years. It's really funny how this is all turning out! My mother held me back because of immaturity regardless of my academic abilities.... hey this is genetic Smile
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 7:18 pm
I don't know much about SEIT
All I know is that my GC has one.
His mom, my DD, was very upset in the beginning and felt he didn't need it.
Then she realized every child that has speech, ot, or pt, gets SEIT for 1 hr or more a day.
She realized that there is an extra pair of hands in the classroom for 6 out of the 8 hrs.
The school advocates for every child that qualifies.
It's a way to get extra help in the classroom.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 7:42 pm
There is a grieving process parents experience when they are told their child needs services. Your feelings are normal. Take it one day at a time.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 7:45 pm
amother wrote:
Sorry that I sound so negative regarding playgroups:( I'm worried that if I decide that he should not be in school yet I will be stuck with sending him to a playgroup who doesn't want him, will get annoyed and he won't benefit from that either. Maybe someone knows of a three year old playgroup- is there such a thing? Honestly I am scared to think of seriously taking him out of yeshiva. Maybe he will go to nursery twice?
Another thing that pushed me to send him now is that I was one of the oldest of my grade and I hated it throughout my school years. It's really funny how this is all turning out! My mother held me back because of immaturity regardless of my academic abilities.... hey this is genetic Smile


If you post your general location, you can get more input about playgroups.

In many places, it's common for a 3 year old to be in a playgroup. My DGD is. They learn alef beis and other age appropriate things, but in a more relaxed setting than a school.

What does the yeshiva say? You might want to talk to people there.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 8:09 pm
imasinger wrote:
If you post your general location, you can get more input about playgroups.

In many places, it's common for a 3 year old to be in a playgroup. My DGD is. They learn alef beis and other age appropriate things, but in a more relaxed setting than a school.

What does the yeshiva say? You might want to talk to people there.

I am located in Boro Park. The yeshiva doesn't feel that he needs to go elsewhere, just that he needs a bit more help. The teacher had no reccomendations for playgroup and agreed with my concerns.
Thanks for all your help!
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 9:07 pm
I think in my neighborhood the group babysitters have had 3 year olds sometimes. It really depends on who else is going at the same time. At one point I could send a 3-year-old very comfortably when needed, at other times it wasn't really a good fit because the babysitter had babies going already.

If the teacher feels he just needs a bit more help then go for it, but seriously consider repeating nursery if it's possible.

I know people who had a kid repeat nursery or pre-k in a different school so they wouldn't feel like they'd already been there and done that, and then they rejoined their original school the next year (there were kids from the other preschool joining that school as well, so I think it didn't end up with him being "the new kid" two years in a row.) That worked out great for them because the child had the extra time to develop without feeling like he was left behind from his original friends or that he was repeating things he already did.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sat, Nov 26 2016, 9:19 pm
seeker wrote:
I think in my neighborhood the group babysitters have had 3 year olds sometimes. It really depends on who else is going at the same time. At one point I could send a 3-year-old very comfortably when needed, at other times it wasn't really a good fit because the babysitter had babies going already.

If the teacher feels he just needs a bit more help then go for it, but seriously consider repeating nursery if it's possible.

I know people who had a kid repeat nursery or pre-k in a different school so they wouldn't feel like they'd already been there and done that, and then they rejoined their original school the next year (there were kids from the other preschool joining that school as well, so I think it didn't end up with him being "the new kid" two years in a row.) That worked out great for them because the child had the extra time to develop without feeling like he was left behind from his original friends or that he was repeating things he already did.


My babysitter has children until around 2.3 or so when they start to go to playgroup. She doesn't mind having my 3 year old but he doesn't really have who to play with there so it won't work out. If he repeated nursery he would go to the parallel class in the same yeshiva. I asked the teacher about repeating nursery and she said we will talk about it later on in the year, as now is not the time to predict if he will need to repeat or not.

Your friends had a great setup but I don't think that would work well as majority if the students in this yeshiva start out at nursery and continue on- if my son went to another place for next year and came back he would be with a new class three years in a row, as the classmates from next year (hypothetical) would most probably stay in that yeshiva and not switch to my son's current yeshiva. Sorry if that's hard to follow!
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Ashrei




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2016, 12:47 am
Don't worry OP - Being the youngest may make things seem worse than they are. Also, schools are really quick to request a SEIT, they love the extra help in class etc. Anyway that one on one would benefit ANY child, and your child gets that pampering! Good deal! At such a perfect time, too, when he's setting the stage for his future social interactions etc. This will be great, imyh, a bracha for you and your child.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2016, 1:37 am
***NY-centric warning*** Wink

Forgot to add - another reason it's a good idea to go with the SEIT suggestion is that if a child comes up with issues later on it is much harder to get help. Once they are getting services in preschool, the school age special ed committee approves the continuation almost automatically. But to start a request for services in school age can in some cases be more difficult. And that starts sooner than you think - it's the year the child is going to turn 5, even if their birthday isn't until later in the year. Plus already a few months before that they start not really paying attention to you because they know you'll be the school-age department's problem in a few months anyway so why bother getting started. So if there is even a small inkling that a child might have a developing problem at a young age, I'd advise the parents to see if they qualify for services when the child is still 3 so that if they get worse instead of improving, they'll already have what they need.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:42 am
Please take this for an opinion from an non professional but it seems as though you have unrealistic expectations for a three year old boy.

Most people consider a three year old to be a baby and don't have expectations that they are developmentally ready to attend a real school setting with the kind of demands of disciplined appropriate behavior that entails.

Perhaps I am missing something but your child seems pretty much on target for his age. The work of children at this age is play and to discover the world around them rather than learn in a formal school setting. They are put in pre schools more for socialization than for learning and most middle class parents very naturally provide age appropriate learning by talking to kids, reading to them and engaging them with the world as would a preschool group with any merits.

The issue with your child is that he is not quite ready for formal learning. He doesn't appear to have the kinds of even minor developmental pathological ties that would merit intervention to make him catch up with older boys. At this age even a few chronological months can make a huge difference.

Again perhaps I am missing something as he sounds like a normal three year old toddler who is being asked to behave in a manner that is just a bit older than his chronological age. How can he possibly fall behind academically at three provided he is being provided with normal environmental stimuli and if you actually feel individualized attention is necessary, why can't this be provided to him while he is in a mor suitable setting? Why the rush to impose academic discipline.

By way of anecdotal input, my mother was an early childhood teacher who didn't feel it necessary to deliberately accelerate academics although I had taught myself to read by myself at three. No skipping and a bit of boredom in the earliest grades but then just was placed in gifted academic settings with other gifted girls and didn't suffer from being 18 when graduating since I was the same age emotionally as my classmates.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2016, 12:41 pm
I highly doubt that the teacher's expectations are for 3-year-olds to do "formal learning." In the absence of further detail from the OP, I assume the teacher's concerns are of a more social nature, and if academic at all probably related to language and general comprehension (ability to follow directions, e.g.) One reason why I appreciate teachers' feedback (the SEIT was the teacher's idea, in this case) is because she has a peer group to compare with. At home it's hard to see how a child compares with reasonable expectations of his age, but a teacher is always seeing kids in the same age range and has a better idea of what's typical.

At the young end of his class and with delays in various areas, it does make a lot of sense to hold him back or have him repeat the grade in the parallel class. But you can do that with a SEIT.
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