Would you tell dd abut a miscarriage

amother

White

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 2:44 am

I would tell her. Especially if you need her help/ need to rest, etc.
Years ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy, when my oldest DS was 7. We didn't tell the kids, but I did have to be in hospital over night (we made some excuse). Years later, when DS was about 13, he asked me what really happened that day, when I was in hospital.

She may pick up that something's wrong anyway. Kids sense things. She may think you're pregnant. If she knows not to gossip to all her friends, I would tell her.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 2:48 am

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm glad my mother told me (after the fact, since all of hers happened either before I was born or when I was still little). I'm comfortable going to her for help and support, without judgement since she knows what I'm going through.

I've told my teenage sister about mine and plan on telling my daughter when she's old enough to understand and mature enough to handle it- I see it as part of our family medical history, relevant to my first-degree female relatives. When my sister be"H is pregnant someday, she knows we have a family history of recurrent miscarriages and is better prepared, plus she knows she can come to me for help.

As far as telling your daughter so you can ask her to help you, I think it's ok so long as you'll be there for her in future if ever she needs you in a similar situation.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 4:09 am

I think it depends on the child's (yes childs) personality. If she is someone who would make your pain her pain, it wouldn't be healthy to keep burdening her with your losses. If you are telling her just because you need more help, you can let her know that you have something medical going on that isn't dangerous but you do need a little bit of time to rest up.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 4:31 am

I think it's OK. I told my 12 year old. She saw me so sad. I explained to her that it can happen, it's what hashem wanted. She was sad too for a few minutes and then did the most incredible thing: she hugged me. I also told her right away as soon as I did get pregnant again... She was so happy and grateful that I shared the news with her. .but she is extremely mature.

essie14

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 4:53 am

I would for sure tell, depending on the child's personality. We do not believe in hiding things from our children, obviously with sensitivity. But they know about all relevant medical history of us and their grandparents. We are pretty health conscious and they know why. We have cancer and heart disease in our families and they know we do everything we can to prevent this - eat healthy, exercise, see the doctor, etc.
Would I tell a 6 year old that Mommy's baby died before it was born? Probably not. But all my kids would have been mature enough by 10 to process that.
And especially for my daughter - I want her to know these things happen far more commonly than people know about.

imasinger

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 6:45 am

I'd tell her.

Kids pick up enough to know when their parents are upset. And if you don't tell a teenager why, she generally concludes that it's all about her.

As long as you are in control of your grief, and not using a child in place of a therapist or cleaning lady, I think it's very healthy.

It lets them see how their role models handle grief and loss. These are important coping tools; those who have been overprotected can fall apart when as young adults, they face something challenging like this on their own for the first time.

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 7:24 am

amother wrote:

it old my dd 14 that I had another miscarriage
was I wrong for telling here?
I need her help as I'm not feeling good and honestly I'm close to her and felt if I was going to tell anyone other then dh then I would say it to her.

what do you think?

I did only because she'd noticed I'd been drinking decaf coffee again and because she's not a sentimental person.

I also told my younger DS because he is interested in how the body functions and he isn't very emphatic.

However, I do agree that if a child is emphatic and would take on the emotional pain of the loss themselves then it's not necessary to tell them unless you think it would be required for practical assistance.

Heal well OP.

amother

Silver

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 7:30 am

imasinger wrote:

This exactly.

My mom had numerous miscarriages and never told me. It is far, far worse to figure out that your mom had a miscarriage and not even be able to talk to her about it; it was taboo because my parents wanted to protect our innocence. But we picked up on it, and their silence caused a lot of tension and made us suppress our feelings instead of processing it.

Your children will probably be very sad, and it may take them time to sort through their feelings about the loss, but their feelings may get way more muddled and intense if you don't tell them anything.

amother

Violet

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 8:47 am

When I was 20 and still living at home, my mother had a miscarriage and didn't tell me Rolling Eyes

(relationship still isn't healed from too many incidents like this.)

I think it's to your and her advantage to let her know, so long as you aren't using her for emotional support. It can be frightening for her to know that something is wrong with you but not let her know what. She will start to think the worst, ch'v.

Feel good.

amother

Jade

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 9:12 am

I think a lot depends on whether you don't want the news out in general. For many kids, it would be very hard for them not to have someone to talk to about it. They might tell the other kids, on purpose or by accident. If you need help, I can see it, but telling her also gives you guy the responsibility of checking in with her about her own grief. She might not want to share it with you, for many reasons. So you need to set up and/or allow other channels.

When my mom had miscarriages, I had to be told, even though I was young, because they were late enough that I already knew she was expecting. My parents talked to the guidance counselor at school and had me pulled out to talk about it. I didn't really want to talk to her, but I also knew that I could. Plus, it showed me that this was in fact a big deal, and validated my pain. Teenagers, though, may want to talk it out with a friend. I think if you tell a teenager, you need to allow that, for her own processing.

nursemomma

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 1:04 pm

My mother always told me (happened a couple of times), but then again, I had always already known she was pregnant. I am glad she did, because was able to help out more without being resentful or feeling left out- because as a teenager, I would've known something was up, even without being told.
I think you did the right thing op, as long as you don't use dd as your emotional crutch.

amother

Coral

Fri, Nov 25 2016, 1:18 pm

My mother had one when I was about 15 and told me. It was pretty early, so I didn't know she was pregnant. However, she needed a d and c and also my stepfather cut a business trip short to be with her, so I probably would have freaked out and thought it was something much worse if I hadn't been told before seeing him come home early and my mom being laid up for a couple of days. I'm also glad that I learned it's something normal that sometimes happens. I knew about zex and pregnancy, I didn't know before then that not every pregnancy results in a baby. I also learned that it's really true that there's a time limit on fertility. I mean, I knew that theoretically, but this made the concept more real. my mom was 45 at the time and she explained to me that these things are more likely in your 40s and that I shouldn't expect any new siblings as she was unlikely to get pregnant again (and indeed she didn't).

amother

Olive

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 12:35 pm

When I was 11, my mother had an early miscarriage (first trimester), and told me. Part of me wishes she hadn't - my parents said I could talk to them but I saw that they were so broken up about it and suffering a major loss that I wasn't, that I couldn't talk to them. And it was a secret, so I couldn't talk to anyone else about it either. It wasn't a huge deal, but it was something I carried around with me and basically put out of my mind most of the time. Really, I just didn't know how to process it and never had an outlet to discuss it, so I just left it in some dusty old back corner of my mind.

As soon as we start having kids, I realize I am TERRIFIED of miscarriage. Fast forward 20 years, I had miscarriage. And all of a sudden, on top of dealing with own giref and loss, I find all this baggage from 20 years ago popping up from my mother's miscarriage - I didn't even know I had baggage from it. Apparently I had suffered a loss of some kind back then too and never even realized it, much less dealt with it. It made my own miscarriage much harder to deal with. I realized I had no idea had to handle the idea of miscarriage. And, because I had seen how hard it was for my parents when they had a miscarriage, I couldn't bring myself to inflict that kind of pain on them and never told them. My friends know, my in laws know, but not my parents.

So, I don't know whether you should tell your daughter or not. But if you do decide to tell her, please give her permission to talk to one friend about it. Even if you say you are available and she can talk to you, she needs someone else also. And don't assume she'll forget about it in a few weeks, it may continue to bother her, and you may need to discuss it with her again in a month, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, etc.

amother

Jade

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 8:13 pm

Olive, I understand you so well. I didn't want to tell my mom about my miscarriage either. I knew how hard it would need for her. Also, my mom did fine for three kids and then kept miscarrying after that. So when I got pregnant with my fourth, I was paranoid for a long time. I never talked to my mom about it, but much later, I found out that she was too.

OP, I will repeat to please give dd specific permission to talk to a friend. There's a good chance she'll have things she doesn't want to talk to you about.

amother

Seagreen

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 9:27 pm

My mother once went to the dr and my grandparents came over and gave us a speach to behave because our mom isnt well. I was scared she had cancer. (I have a great imagination) She came home a few hours later and stayed in bed for a few days and then was back to herself bh. Years later she mentioned that she had a miscarriage and I was able to guess when it was.

Tell your dd that you aren't feeling well and it will take a few days to get better. Let her think you have a virus.