Neighbor uses my wifi

treestump

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 8:11 am

gande wrote:

I beg to differ with the other posters. Someone let's us use their wifi (they even set up special password for us) and we are forever grateful since we do not have extra money and it doesn't cost them. They are getting a mitzvah which will last for them after 120.
I had another neighbor who we asked to use their internet and they asked us for money which I totally understand. But my view on these people (close neighbors) is not very positive due to their selfish characters whicheck manifest so itself in many other ways as well.

So my advice to you OP is that you should go high and be gracious with your Internet. Im sure she is grateful even if she doesn't express it. Also it helps to strengthen the relationship especially if she is the only neighbor. If you really need the money then you can kindly tell her that you expect her to chip in for a portion of the cost (u quote the amount. )

I'm sorry, but it is completely not selfish not to share wifi with others; it is safe and smart. If my neighbor is watching child [filth], I could get in trouble. If I need high speed internet, their internet usage of the wifi I'm paying for could slow me down. It's really not as simple as "Oh, they anyways have wifi, why can't they just let me use it too?"

I honestly don't get the sense of entitlement seen so often around here. Many people who are "nicer" and let people use their wifi are either unaware of the risks or don't feel comfortable saying no. And if OP is uncomfortable, it won't strengthen her relationship with her neighbor; it might cause dormant resentment and let the neighbor use her her in other ways. Good fences make good neighbors - and that means saying no when you need to and having good boundaries. It's her internet that she's paying for, and she's not obligated in any which way to share it, just like she wouldn't let them share her electricity or gas or water without paying and shouldn't be expected to.

notshanarishona

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 8:25 am

Is it slowing you down? If it is, and it bothers you, even a little, don't let.
If it doesn't impact you and you trust them then I would do a Chessed.

ETA: Do you have a friendly relationship with this neighbor? Is she always asking you free things or is it a 2 way street?
If she is sometimes doing things for you as well and you have a good relationship that also is a big cheshbon.

rednavy

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 9:57 am

Change your password ASAP. It could be respectful to notify her that you're resetting the password...in case she depends on wifi for something important, she'll have time to go to the library and save her work offline. It's certainly customary for neighbors to split the bill when sharing wifi.
FYI home internet slows when so many devices are in use.

ETA: your internet could get cancelled with you held culpable if she chooses to do something risky like download movies or music illegally.

Last edited by rednavy on Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:01 am; edited 1 time in total

Fox

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:14 am

lifeswonderful wrote:

ye I tried already and she told me her sis told her its not true and she asked me then when I dont use it so she can use it then...

ITA 100 percent with Amarante and others about the potential risks, but this was the piece of information that really got me.

This neighbor is not someone who is participating in good faith in a mutually beneficial give-and-take relationship that happens to involve the OP's WiFi. This is someone who's actually arguing with the OP about the favor the OP has been doing for her.

OP, I understand that you don't want to damage your relationship with this woman, but there's no relationship there. A good neighbor would offer to share some of the cost or provide some benefit to you to reciprocate. Clearly not happening anytime soon.

Give this lady a couple of days notice that you're changing the password and don't give it another thought. She may be a little miffed, but something tells me she'll quickly find another outlet for applying her chutzpah.

gande

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:29 am

groovy1224 wrote:

Selfish? Really?

They paid for internet that they let you use and they're selfish? That's nice.

I did not say it was selfish of them. I was describing what kind of people they are in general.

The Torah teaches us chesed and it is a mitzvah like any other.

If the neighbor feels entitled and is not nice to the op or the op does not feel safe with sharing, then of course she shouldn't.

But hey, calm down ladies, the op asked if she should let her ego get in the way of sharing and my answer is no.

lizard8

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:41 am

Like others said, more devices used on the same wifi can slow the speed. Especially if her devices are older models since they can't keep up with the speed.

Why does it bother you to share?
1) Slowing speed- either tell her no or to pitch in for a faster speed
2) Security/Liability- If she does anything illegal it can be traced to you
3) Jealousy- You pay a lot of money and she can get away with same product for free
4) Selfish- You paid for yours and she can pay for hers
5) Kedusha- maybe she really shouldn't be having internet in her home and you are the cause

If you think of the reason why you don't want her to use it, then you can come up with your own solution.

lifeswonderful

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:48 am

op here. Thank you all ladies for all your input regarding this issue. In my case I'm a person who enjoys doing favors and I feel good about sharing. But then again, it slows my internet down when we use it together. My phone and my husbands phone connects automatically to wifi too so it definitely slows it and also the reasons some of you mentioned out of security reasons. I really don't know what she uses it for. Ones gotta set some boundaries and I did get the frustrating feeling in me that she enjoys the 'free' wifi while I gotta pay a hefty amount without her even asking me to chip in. (so here goes my selfishness a bit) I dont want to have this kind of feeling towards her and I wanto stop it now. It's not like I have more money than her and can afford more. Yes her husband has a job but he's very stingy so he wouldn't spend on wifi although his wife really wants. I don't want that bad feeling whenever I meet her that im such a mean person and can't share something I anyways have...

Amarante

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:52 am

Simple1 wrote:

Amarante, wifi is more subject to this kind of issue because many comminities don't let or discourage having internet.

I didn't sense any kind of issue involving the need to prevent others from knowing the neighbor was using Wifi so it didn't enter into my analysis. As I (and others understood it), the issue was solely one of economic shnorring in that the neighbor wanted free use of a service that OP was paying for.

I didn't even sense there was even any kind of reciprocity that might factor into an analysis - I.e. that these are neighbors who have "communal" arrangements with other household expenses.

And I am not sure I want to open up a can of worms, but I continue to find it strange that people will find ways to circumvent strictures that impact on their life like an internet ban. If a ban strikes you as stupid, unreasonable etc., then change it rather than sneak around. Seems very hypocritical to me that one accepts the word of your Rebbe on only some matters but feels that on other matters, one is entitled to think for oneself.

But of course, I am coming from a place where I believe in free will in terms of using modern technology. I use an internet without filters and have no desire to visit [filth] sites. Perhaps I am kidding myself but the men I know with unfiltered internet also don't use them just because they can. Of course perhaps it's easy for me to talk - when I diet, I don't deliberately place a plate of my cookies in front of me for hours daring me to eat LOL

My internet vice involves way too much time wasted on sites like imamother and pintarest reading about stuff that has no "productive" value. LOL

Fox

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 11:16 am

lifeswonderful wrote:

I don't want that bad feeling whenever I meet her that im such a mean person and can't share something I anyways have...

If this were a case where your neighbor needed to quickly check her email for 10 minutes once a day, I might be a little more sympathetic to her (though the security issues would remain).

Perhaps you should install a bandwidth monitoring program. There are tons of free ones -- some of the better-known ones are NetWorx, BitMeter, FreeMeter, and BandwidthD. You might want to check with your ISP; often they have programs that can be accessed through your customer portal.

Depending on the program you use, you can see when your WiFi is being used; how much data is being used; and which devices are using it. The fact that someone accesses the WiFi from three different devices isn't as important as how often she logs in and what she does. Streaming YouTube videos from a single phone is way more problematic than check email once a day from a dozen different devices.

Armed with this information, you can feel more resolute about whatever you decide to do. If you discover that your neighbor is really just checking email for a few minutes each day, you might decide to be gracious. If -- and I suspect this is more likely if you've notice speed issues -- she's streaming video or going to image-intensive websites, then you can simply show her the data and explain that, her sister's opinion notwithstanding, she'll need to make other Internet arrangements.

debsey

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 11:25 am

lifeswonderful wrote:

It doesn't sound like you're being selfish. It sounds like you're kind of What

how did I get into this situation? One minute she asks to use the wifi for a bit of temporary use, the next minute, it's not YOUR wifi, it's "THE" wifi and how dare you limit her access?

I'd be frank with her and say - I didn't realize when I agreed to let you use the wifi how much it would slow down my service and how it can be a security risk. I'm sure you don't want me to feel taken advantage of, so how do you propose we resolve this? It's one thing when it's (to use the halachic term) "zeh neheneh, v'zeh lo chaser" - this one benefits, this one doesn't lose out (for example, if my neighbor sits under my sunshade when there's plenty of room) I'm nervous that my security is being compromised, and then we'll get in a situation where if I'm hacked, I'll feel like you should bear some of the cost of the damages, and you'll say "well, there's no proof that letting me on your network caused it." So, we need to reevaluate. What do you suggest?

Leave the ball in her court and see what she says. If you get no response at all, after like 2 weeks change the password.

SixOfWands

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 11:38 am

Fox wrote:

Perfect solution, Debsey!

While I agree that this might work with a more reasonable person, I fear that it won't with this particular neighbor. She's already denied that her use slows anything down (based on what her sister said), and also suggested that she could just use it when OP wasn't using it.

I'd tell the neighbor that you've read that passwords should be periodically changed, and that you've decided that, from here on in, your password will change on the 10th of each month. You're not going to be able to provide her with the new password after that. However much she presses, I'm sorry, its just not possible. It doesn't slow things down? Well, no matter, its just not possible. There's no security risk? Doesn't matter, its just not possible.

debsey

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 11:56 am

SixOfWands wrote:

I think your solution is step 2 after mine - once you've drawn that 2 week line in the sand, you change the password, and then it's exactly as you said - broken record - "sorry, just not comfortable anymore" but with the added security of knowing that you did explain yourself and make your position clear once.

Orchid

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 12:13 pm

I think the hardest part for OP is not knowing she should say no, but taking back her generous offer. Much harder than saying no from the get-go.

It will be awkward for awhile but I think worth it in the long run! Go for it! Say something like "we decided we don't want to share wifi after all, so we're going to change our password. If you like, I can tell you where to get a good deal so you can get it on your own....."

You should never feel that you can't change your mind after doing a favor for someone, hard as that may be.

HonesttoGod

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 12:19 pm

gande wrote:

I absolutely hate when people smash "chesed = mitzvah" onto everyone. It does not say in the torah to disrupt ones life, go totally out of your comfort zone and lay out money for lazy people to do chesed.
It says be kind.

One is kind by lending eggs. By lending the use of wifi temporarily, by letting one borrow their car for a day.
One does not have to be miserable and financially losing out to be kind. And to be called selfish to be doing that is so wrong.

Besides, CHESED STARTS AT HOME! One has to be kind to themselves before being kind to others.

mommyhood

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 1:20 pm

lifeswonderful wrote:

We had a similar situation. My husband changed the password and deliberately didn't tell me the new one so I could tell the neighbor I'm not in charge and any requests have to go through my husband. My husband asked for a small amount every month from them so we wouldn't feel taken advantage of but it's much cheaper for the neighbor than getting their own.
We have a filter on our internet so any device connected to our wifi is subject to our rules and my husband can also track all websites accessed through our internet which helps with safety.

Last edited by mommyhood on Mon, Nov 28 2016, 4:28 pm; edited 1 time in total