Teenage Feelings | Imamother

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:17 pm

Hey imamothers,
This is not exactly a topic that is brought up too often here, but I would really love to hear some input. We are from very yeshivish circles, and none of my kids seem to have a problem with the "restrictions" placed on them, things that some other teenagers complain about. However,I have a 16 year old son and this post is about him..He is very smart and precocious, always having been the top of his class and constantly reading to further his knowledge base. However, this maturity has translated into some things DH and I aren't too happy about...There's this girl who doesn't live in our area but whose family is friends with ours and often comes to visit for yuntiff and shabbos. The girl is very sweet, intelligent, beautiful, frum, etc, which is great for her, but not so great for DS....I have spoken to both of them (separately) asking them to stay away from each other as there seems to be an issue. I I see them trying to stay away from one another (looking the other way, not talking, etc) but somehow, some way, they always end up back near one another. They laugh, smile, crack jokes, etc, and they are just really comfortable around one another...They've known each other for years and when they were young, it was ok, but this last been a problem for the past several years. I've tried talking to DS about her, but he refuses to talk...DH has also tried. It's obvious there's some stuff between them but I'm not sure what to do... She's not as yeshivish as perhaps we are but she's very frum, knows a lot, etc...She dresses tzniusdik but with a lot of style...heels, makeup...etc.. HELP!!

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:38 pm

I'm OP...
What am I supposed to do? Tell the family, with whom we are good friends, to not ever come over for yom tov?!..DS is home for most of them..
And in regard to marriage, they're far too young for that. I want DS and the girl to be thinking about their own middos and education...Not one another. Ugh

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:41 pm

Fox wrote:

I'm with Chayalle on this. Don't set the catnip out in front of the cats.

OP again..I understand you, but we can't just tell them not to come or not to bring their kids.
We've known them for years and are good friends...DH and I have spoken to her parents, and they see our concern, but we don't want to ask them to not come. We make sure she never sleeps over with our daughters but she does come for meals w/ family...

Fox

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:44 pm

amother wrote:

I'm OP...
What am I supposed to do? Tell the family, with whom we are good friends, to not ever come over for yom tov?!..DS is home for most of them..

You're going to have to find times to socialize with them when your son isn't around. If he's away at yeshiva, this isn't too hard. If he's at home, plan things for Sundays when he's not available.

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:46 pm

I send my DS away for Shabbos if I'm in that predicament. But my DS comes first, so I always give him the choice to either go away or I just don't agree to host the individual that he has a " thing" for. I can not expect him not to enjoy her company otherwise. This girl is my niece and they have been very close since they were babies. My SIL understands the situation and she works with me so that we don't experience this awkwardness too often .

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:46 pm

Fox wrote:

You're going to have to find times to socialize with them when your son isn't around. If he's away at yeshiva, this isn't too hard. If he's at home, plan things for Sundays when he's not available.

We only ever see them on yom tov, when he happens to be home. I guess we could tell them to come on shabbos when he's away, but they will be upset. Also, maybe I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I feel like if we keep them apart, they'll want to be together more. I'm not sure how seriously they feel at this point. All I know is whenever I see DS around her, his eyes light up.

tichellady

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:49 pm

my thoughts

1. you are going to need to accept that your kids may grow up to be different from you and they may be " less frum" than you would like

2. your son is 16 and still in your home so you are allowed to have rules for him

3. I am with chayelle, it's beyond unrealistic to invite the girl over and not let your son talk to her. why do you care if they talk if they are in public surrounded by family? I'm not asking in a rhetorical way, I think it's a good question. what is your concern here? if we understand the exact concern maybe we can help

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:50 pm

tichellady wrote:

I am not afraid anything "bad" will happen between them. I'm more concerned that they will (or already have) developed strong feelings for one another, and shouldn't have those thoughts at this point.

pizza4

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:51 pm

amother wrote:

I'm OP...
What am I supposed to do? Tell the family, with whom we are good friends, to not ever come over for yom tov?!..DS is home for most of them..

Yes, stop inviting them when ds is home. If you must invite them, do it when your son is away. Or if their daughter is away. I think most people would understand the situation, even if it doesn't matter to them. Especially a good friend can understand. You can be friends without sharing yomtov meals.

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:53 pm

amother wrote:

I think you are over reacting a bit. You don't have to say that you are intentionally keeping them apart. Your DS does not even have to know if she was there for Shabbos. In my opinion the bigger you make a deal out of it to your son the more he'll try to over mine you. Your friend should understand that only shabbos works for you or their daughter can go to a friend for that particular meal.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:55 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

what happens if dh and I do this and turns out they really do love one another...

doctorima

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 3:55 pm

Does DS ever go to yeshiva or his Rebbe for a Yom Tov meal, perhaps on Shavuos or Simchas Torah or Rosh Hashana? If so, that would be the time to invite them.

Alternatively, if you know they're coming and he'll be home, can you try to invite another friend of his or a family with a boy his age that he would be embarrassed to talk to the other girl in front of his friend?

tichellady

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 4:00 pm

amother wrote:

it sounds like it's a little late for that. and honestly
teenagers are going to have feelings whether they talk to guys/girls or not. it's just what happens at that age and is normal and healthy.

I say continue inviting them over and don't make a big deal over this or just stop inviting them over if your son is there and tell your friend why (so she doesn't feel rejected) but don't mention anything to your son.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 4:01 pm

amother wrote:

Yes exactly that.

I grew up JPF and my parents did not host teenage boys when I was home. I did not have my friends over for meals when my older brother was home.

My DH learns with older boys in a Yeshiva in Lakewood, and when our girls hit their teens, we stopped hosting boys for Shabbos, as it's considered inappropriate in our circles. The week of school Shabbos, DH told the guys it's their one and only chance...I cooked up a storm and they came!

My DD goes to her very good friend for Shabbos only when her brothers are not home. When she was 16, my cousin got married in England during her mid-winter vacation, and I had no where to leave her as her friends all have brothers living at home...so guess what? She got to come along, the lucky girl - a trip she will long remember.

If you are yeshivish, as you posted, this is pretty normal and standard practice.

Fox

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 4:02 pm

amother wrote:

Don't make a big deal of keeping them apart -- just arrange to see them when he's not around.

This shouldn't be a show-stopper: invite them for Sunday brunch or Tuesday night pizza or Wednesday night board games . . . whatever you can think of.

And then don't invite them for Yom Tov. If they say something about it, just tell them with an amused gleam in your eye that your son is entirely too taken with their daughter, and you want him focusing on his learning rather than thinking about girls, however fetching they may be.

Give the impression that their daughter is so beautiful and amazing that your poor weak son will likely be overwhelmed by her charms. That interpretation will be hard for them to resist.

The worst that will happen is that they'll privately judge you for being too frum and old-fashioned. But that's okay; people have been called worse things.

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 28 2016, 4:07 pm

amother wrote:

what happens if dh and I do this and turns out they really do love one another...

Take things one step at a time. First don't put your son in this position. If your DS tries to go behind your bAck you will have a bigger issue at hand. But honestly once he no longer he she opportunity to see her he may lose his complete interest in her. I was told , there is no use worrying about something you don't know is something to worry about.