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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
I feel like a horrible mother
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 9:45 pm
My 12 year old son (after are tying since I picked him up and being cruel to his sister all day- nothing new)
1) took a long time to fish a project tonight that had been due today
2) when I pointed out an error, he walked away half way through.
3) I called him back and he said he had been reading in his room (should have been doing piano or leining if we hadn't been working in project)
4) he got mouthy, so I told him to turn his report in as-is
5) I told him to go to bed and we would be canceling piano (always fighting with him to practice)
6) I started looking for iPhone-thought I was done with him. He claimed it "happened" to be in the hall outside his room which I passed 4 times in the minute before
7) gave him a chance to tell the truth. Looked me in the eye and lied
8) told my husband to get a garbage bag and take away all his Legos (favorite toy). He doesn't get them back ever.
9) he is now laying in bed crying, saying he is a horrible Jew and we should cancel his bar mitzvah plans.
10) he cares more for lost legos than incorrect project or lying to us


I feel like a failure tonight


Last edited by amother on Tue, Nov 29 2016, 8:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:04 pm
It sounds to me like you both had a hard day.
It also sounds to me like you overreacted and maybe acted a little bit too controlling. Maybe you can brush up on your parenting tactics by readings book
You are not a horrible mother by any means! You just may not have handled the situation in the best way possible. If you learn better tactics, it'll be a win win situation for you and your son.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:07 pm
I know tactics. I use tactics. I was using them today. He just has very little self-respect, and much rather be wasting his time surfing the Internet or playing with Legos and actually putting in hard work.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Nov 29 2016, 8:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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Blue jay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:13 pm
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:
I know tactics. I use tactics. I was using them today. He just has very little self-respect, and much rather be wasting his time surfing the Internet or playing with Legos and actually putting in hard work.



I would go back into his room, return his legos and take away the internet access.

"I've thought about it, you can keep your legos, but no more internet until there is an improvement and consistent improvement ( Like a whole months worth of tests and proiects that are done on time )"

just one moms opinion.
Just remember you are the mom and you can change your mind and strategy anytime. It keeps them thinking and guessing.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:16 pm
QueenBee3 wrote:
I would go back into his room, return his legos and take away the internet access.

"I've thought about it, you can keep your legos, but no more internet until there is an improvement and consistent improvement ( Like a whole months worth of tests and proiects that are done on time )"

just one moms opinion.
Just remember you are the mom and you can change your mind and strategy anytime. It keeps them thinking and guessing.


I'd Iove to but I can't. A huge amount of his school work is done online or by PowerPoint. I've blocked games on his computer but can't block YouTube because he needs it for some assignments.


Last edited by amother on Tue, Nov 29 2016, 8:04 am; edited 2 times in total
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Blue jay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:21 pm
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:
I'd Iove to but I can't. A huge ambit of his school work is done online or by PowerPoint. I've blocked games on his computer but can't block YouTube because he needs it for some assignments.



Hmmm....but hes still not doing the school work.

I hate all this school work on computers.

I would set a time limit on the internet for half an hour to complete only his required work. Or what you think is reasonable.

Let him use his time wisely.

But the legos, let him keep. It helps kids relax and get off the computer. My kids love legos.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:22 pm
I'm so sorry. Sounds like it was a really hard night. I can imagine a similar situation with my 9 year old. He can get emotional and so can I and things can quickly escalate. Not easy, but my husband says best thing can do is to stay completely calm and don't say anything in heat of emotion - better to take a time out for yourself and think about how to react first than say something you might later regret. Perhaps after you and he calm down, you can tell him you love him very much & try to have a conversation about what happened and problem solve together with him - tell him what you need & ask him what he needs & then maybe can come to some sort of compromise how to work things out. Think about where he's at now & how you can slowly move him from there to a better place - can't help change a person overnight. Hatzlacha Rabba!!
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Blue jay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:23 pm
by the way, you are still a great mom.

You really care about your son and want him to do whats right
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:28 pm
The school computer with internet access needed for school work.

Uggh.

Driving us crazy too .

Sending empathy.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:32 pm
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:
I'd Iove to but I can't. A huge amount of his school work is done online or by PowerPoint. I've blocked games on his computer but can't block YouTube because he needs it for some assignments.

Can't you just unblock when an assignment needs Youtube? (What kind of class is this that requires YouTube to complete an assignment?)
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:39 pm
Teenagers have a special knack of making us feel like horrible mothers. It sounds like you both had a hard day and you both spiraled into anger a bit. It happens (especially pre-bar mitzvah, when there's all that added pressure).

Those of us reading this on the outside don't think you're a horrible mother, just a temporarily frustrated one. It gets better!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 10:45 pm
They know all the buttons, and they push them.

I agree with QueenBee that you should reconsider.

It sounds like everyone got sucked into a spiraling vortex of negativity today.

Maybe rethink strategies and try again tomorrow.

For tonight, if he's still up and crying, you might want to tell him that there is always room for teshuvah, and if he can apologize for what bothers you the most, you'll give some back immediately, and think about how he can earn back the rest. And that you love him.

In the future, maybe focus on praising effort, particularly on work that he finds challenging.

And consider not bringing up the piano in the middle of a discussion about schoolwork and bed.

Even though in your mind, they were connected as responsibilities that he has not been doing.

They're still separate issues, and it's not a fair fighting tactic.

Then take a few deep breaths, and let go of the guilt.

Gam zeh yaavor.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2016, 11:29 pm
sounds like you overreacted tremendously.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 5:39 am
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:
I know tactics. I use tactics. I was using them today. He just has very little self-respect, and much rather be wasting his time surfing the Internet or playing with Legos and actually putting in hard work.

Not to state the obvious, but he's a child- of course he would rather have fun than be working hard. I'm an adult and would rather be having fun shopping than at work working! Children aren't perfect and we just have to try our best to instill good middos in them. There will be hiccups in the road; that's normal and should be expected.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 5:55 am
amother wrote:
sounds like you overreacted tremendously.


Not helpful! OP knows that what she did wasn't working. She wants to do better. Making her feel worse is not going to fix anything.

Just yesterday, DD had a huge meltdown. I found out that she's been skipping her most important class, because she says "the teacher hates me" and "I don't understand the work." I told her that she'll never understand it if she doesn't go to class, and she burst into tears. I also told her that she WILL be going to class, and if I find out she's skipped she will lose her computer for the day. Epic tantrum ensued.

I just sat and stayed calm, and watched her face. Eventually a world of hurt came pouring out. She has so many anxieties, and feels things in excruciating detail. All kinds of stuff had been going on with her, and I had no idea. I just listened, and let her talk and cry it all out.

Once she felt heard, I brought her a cold washcloth for her face and gave her a hug. We tried troubleshooting what to do about school. I also suggested we get her evaluated by a child psychologist, to see if she needs anti anxiety meds, therapy, or both. I asked her if she thought that was a good idea, and she absolutely agreed.

I told her that I see that she's sad and frustrated with things right now, and that I can't fix everything. Most importantly though, she does not have to tackle all of her problems on her own. Just knowing that I was willing to support her in finding answers gave her a lot of relief. She even agreed that getting grounded from the computer was a fair punishment for skipping class!

Bottom line, the key is to not react so quickly. Don't be afraid to lay down your boundaries, but don't let it become a debate. State your side, and then listen. Then listen more. You may be surprised what's going on his little mind.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 6:07 am
I am sure you are a great mom.
But I do think you are micromanaging his time. You shouldnt have to be on top of him every minute.
It's not good to control him so much. He needs some breathing space.
Yes I would return the legos immediately.
And limit his internet access to an hour a day or however much he needs for homework and some downtown.
And I would step back and let him breathe. It will be good for you too.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 7:51 am
If he has an iPhone, you can block the browser and have him do his online school work at a family computer in a centralized location. If you have an updated version of Windows, you can block and unblock his access to his account by time of the day (and you can do it from a smartphone, wherever you are). You can also require charging his phone in a centralized location or in your room, and give him the phone at designated times or when earned by completing hw or other tasks.

Also, at this age, I would reevaluate piano. Many kids drop lessons around this age.

And we have all had days like this...
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 8:10 am
Sounds tough. I know this may be hard but I think your DS is at the age where he can decide if he wants to suffer the consequences in school.
He may choose to do that and it's his loss, his suffering not yours. Taking away the thing that he loves the most for life is a bit extreme. Taking it away for 2 weeks is more understandable.
All children lie to their parents at least once in their lives. It's not ok! But extreme punishments don't solve the problem either. We need to sit down lovingly and explain to them how much you love them and want the best for them. They need to understand that if they say the truth about something they weren't supposed to do, they won't lose everything over that. They need to feel comfortable sharing EVERYTHING with their parents, the good and bad without having a fear of retribution. Parents are their children's teachers not their policeman. It's important to give a preteen/teen some independence so that they can see for themselves that there are consequences when we don't do what's right. They may have to learn the hard way... But they eventually "get it" and blossom into wonderful adults. It's not easy!!!!
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 8:30 am
The natural consequence of him not completing his assignment will happen at school. I am expert at overreacting so I hope you don't take this too hard but taking away anything forever is not good parenting. Lego's BH is a good healthy activity for a boy this age. I have a DS the same age and I wish he still played with Lego. I would apologize and give back the Legos and say sorry I overreacted I just want you to try your best and leave it at that. Does he enjoy piano and want to take lessons?
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2016, 9:57 am
amother wrote:
My 12 year old son (after are tying since I picked him up and being cruel to his sister all day- nothing new)
1) took a long time to fish a project tonight that had been due today
2) when I pointed out an error, he walked away half way through.
3) I called him back and he said he had been reading in his room (should have been doing piano or leining if we hadn't been working in project)
4) he got mouthy, so I told him to turn his report in as-is
5) I told him to go to bed and we would be canceling piano (always fighting with him to practice)
6) I started looking for iPhone-thought I was done with him. He claimed it "happened" to be in the hall outside his room which I passed 4 times in the minute before
7) gave him a chance to tell the truth. Looked me in the eye and lied
8) told my husband to get a garbage bag and take away all his Legos (favorite toy). He doesn't get them back ever.
9) he is now laying in bed crying, saying he is a horrible Jew and we should cancel his bar mitzvah plans.
10) he cares more for lost legos than incorrect project or lying to us


I feel like a failure tonight


You don't sound like a failure. You sound like the normal mother of a normal tween.

IMNSHO, tonight, after school, you need to sit down with him. Tell him that you think that both of you were a little out of control last night, and said some things that you shouldn't have. You think that both of you need to apologize, rewind, and work things out. That includes a more reasonable disciplinary action.

1. The report was late. He needs to be responsible for timely completion of projects. You will help him formulate a system, where he calendars all assignments, breaks long assignments into pieces, and has due dates for pieces. Explain consequences of late projects/poor grades.

2. Next, you will institute a system for when he wants your help. You're more than willing to help, but if he yells, no more help that day. And you will respect if he doesn't want help.

3. Piano. Unless this is something you're really set on, then he needs to decide if he wants lessons. If he does, he needs to practice. You'll help him put the practice in his schedule, but you won't remind him. If he misses ___ practices, no more lessons until he starts practicing again.

4. The Legos are still gone, but not permanently. When you see improvement, they'll come back. He needs to earn things, including freedoms and respect.

I'm the queen of overreactions, any my kids are the princes and princesses. Its tough. You start reasonably, then things spiral out of control. That's when you need to dial it back.

This too shall pass.
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