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Disappointed in my niece. Shidduch issue.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 9:35 am
I take it OP is aware her distress is personal and wishes to not impose it on her niece, therefore came here to seek support for herself.

Can we support OP so that she can process her disappointment in a safe place? This way it won't spill over to unwanted places...

OP, am I understanding your intention re posting here? Or am I off base?
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 9:42 am
I'm not even sure why her sister shared it with her. It's really non of her business!
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 10:07 am
amother wrote:
Made her business public??? Who's my niece? Who's the boy? Who am I? Whay city do we all live in? How is it the slightest bit public if I'm 100% sure you can't answer any of this?


Let's say your niece's friend is on this board and your niece happens to have confided in her that she doesn't want to date further because he's balding. How hard would it be to put two and two together?

The frum world is amazingly small. You'd be surprised how easy it is to figure out who people are based on information they post online (or in this case, information posted about them without their knowledge.).
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amother
Orange


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 10:18 am
amother wrote:
Let's say your niece's friend is on this board and your niece happens to have confided in her that she doesn't want to date further because he's balding. How hard would it be to put two and two together?

The frum world is amazingly small. You'd be surprised how easy it is to figure out who people are based on information they post online (or in this case, information posted about them without their knowledge.).



Your connecting several dots that are not close to each other. My sister and niece are not on here. I'm sure. Anonymously posting here is hardly "public". I agree with everyone who says this is 100% her call. I realize it's unfair of me to suggest that it shouldn't be a big deal just because I know to me in fact it wouldn't be a big deal. I have to try to think of it in the same way I felt about dating guys shorter than me. Complete no questions asked deal breaker. No one could talk me out of it and people needed to respect that. I guess I need to respect my niece's preference that she feels the same way about baldness.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 10:22 am
I would assume the young man in question is not the only one with a balding head.

And that the young woman question isn't the only one saying no to a balding young man.

Just my guess.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 10:52 am
First of all, my family is very enmeshed and I hated that everyone discussed all my dates, so I quickly learned not to tell my parents anything other than yes, I want to go out with him again, or no, I'm not going out with him again. If one of my aunts would have posted the details of my date on a huge online forum that many of my married friends were on, I would be really, really upset.

Anyways, one of my friends married someone who is also going bald, and she really did care. But she loved his personality, his middos, and everything else about him. It took her over 20 dates to be able to say yes, and she comes from a very yeshivish family where all her siblings got engaged within 10 dates. But she ended up falling in love with him so much that she stopped even seeing his baldness and started finding him attractive.

BUT - she was a few years older than your niece. Had she been 22, she would have said no after a few dates and that would have been that. If your niece is not ready to be open to try, no good could come out of pressuring her. It takes maturity and a certain openness to be able to do that. Who knows; she might be ready to marry a fellow with a receding hairline in a few years, but if she's not ready, she's just not ready, and it's not your place as an aunt to do anything but accept that.
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 10:59 am
I think if she really likes him she wouldn't care. She is young and it's hard for her to realize what she is feeling. If she says no that it's no. Unless she has other issues. I didn't read the whole thread
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amother
Green


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 11:11 am
He needs to wear a bigger yamulka all the time... Problem solved;)

No really, she needs to be attracted to him. So if this is a no-no...then it's a no.

And I'm sure your neice doesn't appreciate her dating life being a whole extended family discussion. If you're going to be so bothered everytime she says no, tell your sister to wait until there is good news to share. Im yirtze hashem very soon. Smile
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 11:47 am
Thank you, amother Jade, top of the page.
Look, I appreciate all the people who are saying MYOB. But rule no. 1 in giving tochacha is that you have to establish a relationship and do it in a way that such that the recipient will be mekabel. If I were the OP I'd be feeling misunderstood and defensive.
Just something to remember as a general principle as we surf imamother together.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 12:49 pm
People are allowed to have preferences, even if they seem silly to others. But, some preferences are a real hindrance to finding bashert. I think she should do some self-introspection about this and reconsider its importance. Maybe she'll find that this is a strong preference and not something she can change her mind on. Maybe she'll find that it isn't.

That said, I think a preference for not bald is a very big hindrance, because many many men have this gene and are going to go bald eventually. She may find that she will have to deal with it later in her marriage, and what happens to her attraction then? It can be more of a problem than a man who prefers slim women and ends up with a wife who gains weight. You can lose weight (even though it can feel difficult) but there's nothing to be done about balding.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 12:50 pm
Oh, one more thing: sometimes what people give as a reason isn't the real reason. It's possible that something else is turning her off or that she just doesn't click with him but can't put her finger on why, and is using the bald thing as an explanation for herself and others.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 12:51 pm
bluebird wrote:
People are allowed to have preferences, even if they seem silly to others. But, some preferences are a real hindrance to finding bashert. I think she should do some self-introspection about this and reconsider its importance. Maybe she'll find that this is a strong preference and not something she can change her mind on. Maybe she'll find that it isn't.

That said, I think a preference for not bald is a very big hindrance, because many many men have this gene and are going to go bald eventually. She may find that she will have to deal with it later in her marriage, and what happens to her attraction then? It can be more of a problem than a man who prefers slim women and ends up with a wife who gains weight. You can lose weight (even though it can feel difficult) but there's nothing to be done about balding.


There are hair transplants for baldness just as there are breast implants and nose jobs for those issues.

And there is weight loss surgery for those who have lost their girlish figure.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:05 pm
Amarante wrote:
There are hair transplants for baldness just as there are breast implants and nose jobs for those issues.

And there is weight loss surgery for those who have lost their girlish figure.


That's true. There's no give they'd be able to afford it, though, so hard to rely on. Or have the comfort level. Maybe start a rogaine and hair transplant savings account right away. Smile

My husband's balding now, BTW. I wish he weren't, but I also wish that I weren't starting to get wrinkles and my cellulite weren't getting worse so there you go. That's all unavoidable and comes with age and/or genetics. Smile
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:09 pm
bluebird wrote:
That's true. There's no give they'd be able to afford it, though, so hard to rely on. Or have the comfort level. Maybe start a rogaine and hair transplant savings account right away. Smile

My husband's balding now, BTW. I wish he weren't, but I also wish that I weren't starting to get wrinkles and my cellulite weren't getting worse so there you go. That's all unavoidable and comes with age and/or genetics. Smile


Of course of course and you know I was being a bit facetious. Surprised Very Happy Very Happy

Sometimes I think of how plastic surgery has become the new normal look because you see the before and after pictures of people who have had the surgery and they go from being ordinary or even a bit on the meeskite side to being knockouts.

Of course, there is also the risk of having rptoo much surgery or nit such good surgery and they don't look human anymore but like some altered android.

ETA. It has become somewhat of the celebrity normal to get a tummy tick when giving birth so they can flout their skinny bodies two weeks after labor.
There is even the so called Mommy package which is a tummy and breast job
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:16 pm
bluebird wrote:
My husband's balding now, BTW. I wish he weren't, but I also wish that I weren't starting to get wrinkles and my cellulite weren't getting worse so there you go. That's all unavoidable and comes with age and/or genetics. Smile


So's mine, in his 30s, and I don't mind so much since we're aging at a similar rate. But if he'd been noticeably balding when we were dating, when I was about the same age as OP's niece, I probably would have found it a major turnoff. Just as some girls won't date a guy who's shorter or vastly taller than they, some don't want to date someone who looks old enough to be their father, even if he isn't.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:26 pm
Of course we're not all going to be supermodels when we grow older.

Still, there's a big difference between dating a balding man when you're 22, and dating one when you are 55. When you are young, you expect youth. When you are older, you expect a man to look his age. Same thing with gray hair, wrinkles, and all that other lovely stuff that comes with time and life experience. Wink
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 1:35 pm
MYOB
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 5:28 pm
op please do not tell your sister and neice what to do. you should kindly tell your sister that its between her and her daughter. I find this upsetting to me. why in the world an aunt is involved in this girls personal life. I cant even put my finger on how this is not ok. its just so wrong on so many levels.

now I have a sister that met a really good looking guy and this goes back many years. and she couldnt articulate why she didnt want him. and my parents made a lot of pressure. fast forward she didnt marry him someone else did. and he got divorced a few months after his wedding. he had issues that noone wanted to be honest about. but my family new because we new the family from before. so much so to put pressure on the girl. stop putting pressure. when its bashert it will happen.

ps we knew there was a problem with his brother but thought we heard he also did but were not sure as noone wanted to tell us the truth as much as we asked.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 5:31 pm
DONT PUT PRESSURE. ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. YOU CAN BE A LISTENER, A SOUNDING BOARD BUT DONT GIVE ADVICE. IF YOU CAN FIND OUT INFORMATION FOR HER THATS IT.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2016, 5:33 pm
I think many people are reacting to the title of this thread in which the op states she is DISAPPOINTED in her niece.

She is reacting as if not liking someone on the second date enough to continue to date is a character flaw instead of the right of any woman.

And if she doesn't like bald men, how is that a reason for an aunt to be disappointed. If you turn it around, she might post in a forum for unmarried girls that she is disappointed in her yenta of an aunt who doesn't give her the space to breathe and not feel so desperate that she has to take anyone whether she is attracted or not.
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