Consequence for repeatedly losing his coat

amother

Blush

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 10:19 am

I typically use "natural" consequences but I don't think I can make him go out in the cold with no coat so that's out. I usually have to buy at least one replacement coat a year (he loses them several times but often finds it after a few days but once it's a week. . . I just have to replace it).

He's 12 already and still losing them. . . He just lost 2 in the span of two days and I am really starting to lose my patience!

Yes, he does have ADD and executive function issues but really does fine for the most part in all other areas of his life b"H (mainly because he's very bright so excels academically).

sourstix

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 10:24 am

At this age he should be able to trace where he dropped it off. I know the memory is not good. So let him trace where he was last and go from there. Eventually he will remind himself where he dropped it. Let him look at places where he usually drops them. Like on the bus. Help him trace it. It's a skill that will help in his life. Most people with ADHD don't know this on their own, they need to be taught

amother

Cyan

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 11:09 am

sourstix wrote:

Obviously he should be able to retrace his steps and find it except.... He is obviously not a regular 12 year old boy or he wouldn't be losing his coat this often. With regard to responsibility, he is 12 but on the level of an 8 year old. He can't retrace his steps or he just doesn't remember where he left it or he does remember but it's gone. I have a kid exactly like this. I would just remind him everyday and also buy cheap coats.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 11:50 am

Does he want to wear a coat when he leaves the house, or does he fight you about it?

Some kids run hot, and genuinely don't want or need to wear a coat (no matter how cold YOU think it is.) If the coat is not a priority for him, he's going to keep losing it.

I second the idea of getting thrift store coats. Try getting him a warm vest. If he's sensory, having his arms covered may feel too confining, but a vest would give him more freedom of movement. DD refuses to wear a coat of any kind, but she'll wear a baggy cardigan, providing it is soft and fuzzy. #SensoryKidIssues

water_bear88

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 12:04 pm

I know this isn't about consequences, but maybe sew your phone number into his coats in hopes they'll be more likely to be returned. I don't know why, but with hashavat aveida being a clear mitzvah, I remember lost-and-found at various (all-girls or mixed) schools always having at least one unclaimed coat. Whether that was because kids didn't think to check the lost-and-found or didn't know about it, I don't know.

naomi2

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 12:14 pm

This is not the time for consequences. He doesn't have the skills to keep track of his things so punishing him won't help. Please get in touch with professionals for tips on how to teach your child to keep his things. He needs to keep it in the same place every day. He needs alarm reminders maybe? Learn how to remember where he left it ND some other ideal that I don't know of. Good luck

sneakermom

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 12:20 pm

I would do whatever I can to get him to find the coat. That's much more productive than a consequence. It will get his brain to focus and try to remember and it will make him feel responsible.

I might ask him to make a list of possible places that it's at.

Have him check those places.

Offer an incentive if he actually finds it.

Reflect on his efforts to find it so as to reinforce it.

5*Mom

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 12:26 pm

At 12, after losing 2 coats in such a short span of time, I would say, "I know it's hard to keep track of your coat sometimes, but I've already bought you 2 this season and it's just not in the budget to buy you another one. I'll take you shopping but you'll have to use your own money to pay for the coat." This needs to be said in as neutral a tone as you can manage. No anger or frustration. It just is what it is. If he freaks out you can just keep repeating, "I know you didn't do it on purpose, but you need a new coat and I've already spent double what was budgeted for your coat so you will need to pay for it." Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't think of it or present it as a consequence, it just is what it is. You can be empathetic and understanding but... he needs a new coat and you've already spent double the budget for his coat, so...

ETA Obviously this is assuming that he has his own stash of money from birthdays, chanukah, allowance, odd jobs, whatever.

Amarante

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 1:05 pm

I am sorry if this is a stupid question but how does someone lose a coat in the winter? I am trying to picture it because you would realize you need the coat before you leave a place.

If the weather isn't that cold, what about something that he wouldn't have to take off - down vests over a sweater are pretty warm and many children prefer vests to coats because they have more freedom. Obviously a vest isn't adequate when frigid outside, but if it's frigid outside how can you leave your coat behind?

Maybe I am missing something.

gp2.0

Sun, Dec 11 2016, 1:12 pm

You have to work on the habit of him always putting his coat away in a designated place, no matter what. His coat should always be on his hook, his hanger, his cubby, whatever. He's never allowed to just put it down on a chair or something like that. If there's no designated place he has to hold it or wear it until he finds a designated place. Where is he losing the coat? On the bus? At school? Figure out the thought process behind him leaving it places and change that thought process by enforcing the habit of only putting the coat in a designated place.

Having a place for everything and everything in its place is VITAL for ADHD.

Consequences won't matter. It's not like he's doing it on purpose. He just doesn't have the positive habits established to do otherwise.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Dec 12 2016, 8:55 am

I have ADHD. I used to lose lots of things. I suggest all of the below

1) Make him pay for the coat. If he can't afford it, make him do chores around the house to earn it, or take it out of his allowance, etc.

2) If he loses his coat, don't allow him to go anywhere but school and home until he has not lost it for one week (or 3 days or whatever) straight, explain that this way if he loses his coat, you'll know where to find it and he can earn the right to take his coat other places (he learns that he has to responsible in order to have privileges). If he leaves it at school, then start the one week over. But don't berate, lecture, etc. Just tell him this calmly and without a fuss, each time it's needed. In conjunction with this, make him a rewards chart. Tell him that every day he comes home with the coat, he gets a check mark. If he gets 7 check marks, he can get to start to go out again and get a small prize. 10 checkmarks, a medium prize, 20 checkmarks, a big prize. Work out the prizes with him before hand so he actually wants to do it.

3) Buy him a coat he really likes. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but I lost everything as a kid with ADHD, but I NEVER lost a coat, because my mother would always let me get whatever coat I wanted, and I treasured them. Tell him you will do this only once.

Laiya

Mon, Dec 12 2016, 10:42 am

Amarante wrote:

Sometimes they get on the bus in the morning when it's still dark and very cold. Coming home, it's 10-15 degrees warmer (now you or I would still want a coat at that temperature, but as FF some kids run warmer). Then, the coat is left in the classroom, schoolyard while they're waiting for the bus, or on the bus.

Or they go out for recess, run around and get hot, so they take it off (leave it on a bench in the playground, in the gym, classroom locker, desk or who knows).

Then, the next day, they may find it where it was left, or it's gone because: another kid took it by mistake because they have the same coat and didn't check the label (happened more than once); the bus driver brought it somewhere (if left on the bus); or an adult returned it to the lost and found (best scenario).

OP, maybe the answer is to discuss these scenarios and ask him what he will do if he's playing football and gets hot, and wants to take off his coat--what will he do to make sure he remembers it? (Ex. he can ask a specific friend to remind him; only put it in a specific spot where he will see it on his way back inside; check the playground quickly before getting on the bus in the afternoon, etc.)

Maybe if you both brainstorm solutions and he writes them down that will help for the future.