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Baby at babysitter 7.5 hours a day
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:37 am
I work almost full-time, and my newborn is at the babysitter so many hours a day! I cant stand it!
im working to support dh in kollel, so working less isnt an option..
chizuk, anyone?
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silber




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 1:47 am
In zchus of supporting your husband may you have loads of naches from your child! can imagine its hard, your zechus is big too!
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suomynona




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 2:17 am
You should have posted this in the Yeshivish/litvish forum. You'll probably get more criticism than support here.

A lot of people I know only keep their babies at the babysitter until about 2. Then their husbands watch the baby for the next couple of hours, and they arrange to be home from work in time for their husbands to go back to second seder. Is that an option for you?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 3:57 am
Your post is heartbreaking. I wonder what hurts more: to leave the baby with a sitter 7.5 hours/day or to have the man of the family working rather than learning (or working then learning in his spare time)? I guess you have to go with the one which hurts less....
Also, I wonder what the baby is feeling being away from Mommy so many hours. How does the man feel about his wife being so miserable?
May Hashem give you koach to overcome the pain. I don't understand self-inflicted misery.
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Bored




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 4:54 am
I NEVER respond to these threads. I NEVER even read these threads. But I MUST now respond after reading what the last amother wrote. How many families nowadays can live without a dual family income? How DARE you call it self inflicted misery????? It is BEAUTY! Its AMAZING. Its WONDERFUL. ITS THE WAY HAKODOSH BARUCH HU WANTS THE WORLD TO RUN!!! If there weren't ppl sitting and learning torah all day, the world would collapse! How DARE DARE DARE you criticize the people that make your world run? How can you even THINK of putting down one of the men that keep the world in orbit? THE CHUTZPAH! Your post was horrible and if you can't post it with your name, it shows that you KNOW that your post took gall. If you have something to say, if you feel the need and insecurity to criticize her beautiful way of life, it say it with pride. The OP was looking for chizzuk. If you were struggling with your weight, how would you feel if someone came over to you and said O gosh, you will never be skinny, dont even bother trying? Would that make you feel good? Would that encourage you to continue what you are doing? Maybe you should think first! HOw often do you hear people asking about pumping because they have to work full time? they arent supporting their family in torah. They are bringing in the second income. Plenty of times a woman doesn't know what to do because she misses her baby during the day because she needs to pay for her kid's whoknowswhat lessons. BH BHBHBHBH this poster is paying for her husband to do amazing things. NOT to send her kids to ballet, baseball, art, soccer, gymnastics, aerobics and everything else I forgot about.

OP -- it is so hard! Hashem should give you koach to continue what you are doing. And you should realize the zechus that you get for supporting your husband this way. In the long run, your kids will gain from this. Right now it is murder. But imagine the chashivus Hatorah that you are imbuing in your children right now!

OK< let me go get my helmet before you all start pelting me with rocks and bullets and rotten eggs

I do have to agree with suo that you should post this in the yeshivish section for chizuk (and if you are not yet a member of that section, pm 0613)
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 6:15 am
actually there are working parents too who unrelentingly put their children in day care from early morning hours to evening hours ... yes how hard it is on the children ... and I can only imagine also on the parents - honestly they are trying and doing whatever it takes ... it is not just the kollel family that has this type of issue ...
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 6:30 am
bored, ok, yeah, maybe men are on this world to learn, granted. but arent women on this world to raise their children? so why must the women give up their role before the men give up on theirs? maybe the men should give up on their "life purpose" to support the women doing what they are here for: to raise children. why must it neccessarily be vice versa?? and please a 3 month old is not learning chavivus HaTorah. Confused but ok lets not turn this into a pro-kollel, anti-kollel thread....I dont think that is the point over here. is it? Confused

in any case, I am totally with you, OP. breaks my heart every single day when I drop my son off. he is 15 months old and I have been dropping him off full time since he was 3 months old. Sad

my dh is working. he was in kollel until my son was like 4 months. I was very happy when he was in kollel, but when the time came that we needed the extra parnassah, he gladly went to work. at this point, we still need the double income. hopefully soon my full time salary wont be needed....!! B'eezras Hashem!! about needing 2 salaries, bored: in many cases, the woman does not need to work full time, and just part time is a sufficient income supplement...no?

hatzlocha rabah OP. youre not alone on this emotional roller coaster. keep strong, know that you are doing what you believe is best for all involved people, and if you know that your babysitter is loving and caring, definitely dont feel guilty.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 7:20 am
Gold21 - women raising children does not make the world go 'round, so it's not about who should "give in" and give up their tafkid...

OP, I can sympathize. I leave the house at 730 and get home at 6 and my baby is with a (wonderful) babysitter the whole time (in my apartment). Yes, it is very difficult, but some things I've come to realize:

- At this early age the baby doesn't really care who changes his diaper or feeds him. It's much harder for the mother than it is for the baby. Now, when kids are 4, 5, 6 etc and start really understanding things and chinuch becomes more of an issue you might need to reconsider you job (but then they will be in school for at least half of the day anyway so it's easier to work around it).

- You appreciate your child and your time with him so much more. I find that I get much less impatient with my son and just cherish my time with him more than the sah moms that I see around me.

- R'Zelik Epstein from Sha'ar Torah in Queens says that kollel couples have extra siyata d"shmaya in chinuch.

I hope I was able to give you some chizuk. Please disregard all the rude ignorant posts about your husband being irresponsible for not working and warming benches all day etc. If you are not already part of it, I suggest you ask Yael to be part of the Yeshivish/Litvish forum where (as symonona pointed out) you will get a lot more chizuk and a lot less bashing from people who have zero kavod haTorah. Much Hatzlacha and kol hakavod for all you are doing for klal yisroel!
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justanothermother




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 8:26 am
Quote:
...and a lot less bashing from people who have zero kavod haTorah.


This is not the place for a debate, so I will keep my comment tame.

OP, you are doing something very difficult for a worthwhile cause, may the zechus of your effort bring your husband greater depth and understanding in his learning and may it be a merit for all of Klal Yisroel.

To the poster of the quoted comment; do you think anyone on this site feels that way? Throwing around comments such as "zero Kavod" is very harsh. Approaching R"H, we want Hashem to judge us with favor, and we do not want to give fuel to the kategor.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 8:41 am
OP...I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you...These same woman would applaud you if your husband were also working long hours. There is such a double standard for collel wives.

I saw this thread initially and just KNEW this was going to happen Rolling Eyes I agree that you should have posted this in another forum...
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Tehilla




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 8:54 am
Quote:
...and a lot less bashing from people who have zero kavod haTorah.


Before you pass judgment on another person, remember that if you say "such and such a person is horrible and deserves this," you are calling that judgment on yourself, chas v'shalom. I certainly don't wish that on you...and wish you wouldn't say such harsh things about the rest of us. Rosh Hashana is upon us, please think (always!) before you say things like this. I am not a kollel wife. But, I definitely think my DH and myself have kavod haTorah.

To the OP: I do not have experience with the kollel lifestyle, but it sounds difficult. I daven that Hashem gives you all the strength, parnassa, and hatzlacha with your precious child(ren). See, I think it's lovely that you care so much, and hope that the other forum will give you the full understanding, support that you need.
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catonmylap




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 9:12 am
I'm working too and I'd also love to be staying home with my baby, but it isn't feasible right now. I'm very lucky to be working close to the home, so that makes it much easier.

Have you looked into the possibility of working some from the house or switching to another more flexible job (if that's possible and if you aren't crazy about your job). Since you subtract the cost of babysitting, you don't need to earn quite as much to make the same thing.

Do you and your dh have plans for how long you are going to stay in kollel? Knowing how long you will be this situation might make it easier. It also might make it easier to appreciate the kollel time when you know it's a stage.

I'm very disappointed in everyone that this turned into another fight about kollel. While I might not agree with OP's choice, I understand and respect it.
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Tehilla




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 9:21 am
Quote:
I'm very disappointed in everyone that this turned into another fight about kollel. While I might not agree with OP's choice, I understand and respect it.


I felt like it seemed people were trying NOT to turn it into that, and give OP some support...
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 9:22 am
I am a WAHM and I would caution the OP that even with a work at home job she would still need child care and while it would enable her to see her baby more often, she would still be paying a lot more money to have a babysitter at home. However, she might need fewer hours of childcare with a work at home job, and she could find a mishpacton close by so she could take a break and nurse the baby in the middle of the day


Being a WAHM is a good plan, but I think OP still needs something steady. It is not so often to find that combination but it can be found!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 9:32 am
Tehilla wrote:
Quote:
...and a lot less bashing from people who have zero kavod haTorah.


Before you pass judgment on another person, remember that if you say "such and such a person is horrible and deserves this," you are calling that judgment on yourself, chas v'shalom. I certainly don't wish that on you...and wish you wouldn't say such harsh things about the rest of us. Rosh Hashana is upon us, please think (always!) before you say things like this. I am not a kollel wife. But, I definitely think my DH and myself have kavod haTorah.

To the OP: I do not have experience with the kollel lifestyle, but it sounds difficult. I daven that Hashem gives you all the strength, parnassa, and hatzlacha with your precious child(ren). See, I think it's lovely that you care so much, and hope that the other forum will give you the full understanding, support that you need.


I was not passing judgement on people who are not in kollel, chas v"shalom. It is definitely not for everyone and I have utmost respect for the families where the husband, after a long day at work, goes to learn at night or wakes up early to learn. What I WAS referring to, is the posts from people who say that it's irresponsible and a "self-inflicted misery" to have an arrangement where the husband learns full time. Hope this clarifies my position.
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Tehilla




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 11:24 am
Quote:
What I WAS referring to, is the posts from people who say that it's irresponsible and a "self-inflicted misery" to have an arrangement where the husband learns full time. Hope this clarifies my position.


It does. And thanks for clarifying. Still, maybe be careful about what you say even if someone else says something not so nice!

My DH gets up at 5:30am every day to go to the mikvah, daven with a minyan, then works 8 hours, then comes home and after eating & spending a few minutes with me, then he learns and usually crawls into bed at midnight or close thereabouts. And unfortunately, I also have to work full-time right now. So I understand some of your feelings! It's not easy. I'm here for support, even though I don't have kollel lifestyle experience!
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suomynona




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 11:32 am
mimivan wrote:
I am a WAHM and I would caution the OP that even with a work at home job she would still need child care and while it would enable her to see her baby more often, she would still be paying a lot more money to have a babysitter at home. However, she might need fewer hours of childcare with a work at home job, and she could find a mishpacton close by so she could take a break and nurse the baby in the middle of the day


Being a WAHM is a good plan, but I think OP still needs something steady. It is not so often to find that combination but it can be found!


I work at home full time - 40 hours a week, and I definitely spend a lot more time with my son than I would if I would work out of the house. So of course you have to be lucky enough to find such a job, and in my case, there is some flexibility with which hours I work, but it does mean less time at the babysitter. It would bother me a lot if I was in OP's situation.

Also because I'm always working when my son is away or sleeping, I have almost no time to do things around the house when he's not around, which is also very hard.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 11:47 am
I doubt G-d wants the newborns at the sitter all day unless there is no other option.
If only the real learners were in kollel, they could be properly supported by the community and we wouldn't read heart breaking messages like that.

Of course in a community where everyone must be in kollel, which is a new trend, there is just no way. Everything is supported by the wife.
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creativemommyto3




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:04 pm
a lot less bashing from people who have zero kavod haTorah. Much Hatzlacha and kol hakavod for all you are doing for klal yisroel! "


I am glad someone else had the guts to say this! But please go to the yeshivish section for chizuk. ever since I started to work I realized that there is no such thing anymore as a woman not working. Life is too expensive.. That made me realize that be a kollel wife isn't so much different than being a wife of a working man, who by the way is no way less of a ben torah than a kollel man. he learns when he can.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:11 pm
Quote:
there is no such thing anymore as a woman not working.


of course there is

Quote:
That made me realize that be a kollel wife isn't so much different than being a wife of a working man


except you are not the first salary, just an extra. When your dh is working or cv disabled you just KNOW you cannot stay with the kids...
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