How to boost DD (12 ) to feel good about herself?

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 1:18 pm

My wonderful DD has a lot of qualities, smart, sweet, kind, nice etc.. just happens to be very shy as well.

She has one or two friends - one by default as she's our neighbor the other she's friends with (it helps that we spend the summer together) - but she won't ever consider inviting another girl to our house shabbos or sunday, won't call anyone to schmooze or to do homework with. (which most kids in her class do)

over the years I've really tried to help her (I got friends to come, arranged extra art classes on sundays etc..)

now that she's older I can't do that anymore, I feel she needs to be boosted up, she claims no one is really interested in her as she's a boring person with nothing to offer, too quiet and that the girls aren't interested in her , of course I try and give her pep talks.

any ideas how to boost the confidence of a 12 year old girl?
tia!

debsey

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 1:34 pm

What are her interests? It sounds like she needs a passion to inspire her. If she doesn't have one, create one. If she's vaguely interested in makeup or hair, get her professional lessons with a makeup artist or sheitelmacher. If she likes movement, sign her up for dance or sports classes. She'll meet people there who share her interests.

perquacky

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 1:49 pm

If she's painfully shy, a social skills group may help. It will give her a confidence boost that she can use when she starts high school in a few years. There will be new girls to meet then, I imagine.
Have you spoken with teachers and administrators at her school? Find out if she's socializing with her classmates. If she isn't, maybe they can offer valuable insight into what may be happening.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 3:54 pm

How does your DD feel about this? Is she content, or is she lonely?

If she's happy the way she is, then she's probably just a natural introvert, and she won't fit into what you think a teenage girl "should do." Accept her as she is, and praise her achievements.

If she's unhappy, then you can brainstorm with her. Ask her what the other girls are into, and come up with some low pressure ways to invite girls, like roller skating. Something that does not involve intense conversation. Eventually they will warm up to each other.

Maybe the other girls are too loud, or superficial, or obsessed with boys. It could be that she just finds them not to be her type, and would rather be alone than have to put up with mindless chattering.

I was exactly like your DD, and in many ways I still am. When I discovered my artistic talents, my self esteem really boomed. I never became popular or super social, but I've never felt a keen lack of interaction, either. There is nothing wrong with introverts!

flowerpower

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 4:06 pm

1- take her shopping. Let her choose what to get. My dd chose an ugly top but she felt so good about it and it was $8 so I looked the other way.
2- keep complimenting her on her positive attributes like "The cake you made really tasted good. Half of it is gone already" or "your hair came out so pretty today. I love how you made it"
3- make your home a fun house. Let her invite random girls from her class and prepare exciting activities to do.
4- send her to classes where she has talent in like art or drama....

cip

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 9:16 pm

Like flower powers ideas. To expand, YOU become her booster by complimenting her talents, spend time with her, tell her you enjoyed spending time with her, take her out, listen, laugh at her jokes, comment on the things she says, play games with her, draw together. This will make her believe that she's fun to hang out with and give her confidence . It's also possible that she is a natural loner type who enjoys reading. ..just don't make her feel like their is something wrong with her or her social skills.

salt

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 4:03 am

My DD (15) is also shy and reluctant to bring friends because we do things differently in our house. She'll happily go to friends houses. She has a bunch of new friends now cos she's started a new school, so it's coming up a lot now.

for eg. ALL the other girls in her class eat lunch off disposables and we eat off real plates.
ALL the other girls take a frozen schnitzel out the freezer and put it in the microwave, but we don't have a microwave.
ALL the other girls have a tidy living room, but we have games out on the floor.

Of course I take the "ALL" with a pinch off salt. Try and see if it's something like that that's bothering your DD - if so, you then have to decide if it's something you'll change so she feels more comfortable, or persuade her that it shouldn't bother her.
I said I'll buy some veggie schnitzels for her to eat if she brings a friend round, but I won't get a microwave, she'll have to be ok with heating it up in the oven, and eating off a regular plate.

I would say give her time, and let her do what she feels comfortable with.
Does she feel she's missing out, or is she happy with this. If she's happy, I would leave her be.

Amarante

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 4:54 am

salt wrote:

I have nothing to add but OY does it bring back the total embarrassment I felt about my parents at this age. I wanted to melt into the floor at the thought of them interacting with my new friends. And of course looking back they were perfectly within the realm of normal. such a terrible age when everything is life and death like a microwave.

sped

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:21 am

I just want to add to the idea of helping another family. I have a friend who set this up for her daughter and it really boosted her! She used to go to neighbor to help her around bed time or before Shabbos, and it so changed how she saw herself. The neighbor was aware of what the point was and made sure to compliment her a lot and make her realize how important she was...

5*Mom

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:44 am

sped wrote:

This. Giving compliments and "building her up" externally will only go so far. She needs to feel good from within, and helping others or contributing something meaningful will give her that. Mother's helping, tutoring, volunteering at a local chesed organization...