Where to turn for advice - boy rubs my son in school

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 6:27 pm

My son is in 3rd grade, he casually mentioned that there is a boy in his class that rubs my sons shirt - front and back by recess sometimes, essentially giving my son a massage because the other boy likes it. I mentioned it to the Hebrew and English teachers and they both see what is described as "weird" but are not concerned. Is there an organization that I can call for advice on how to direct the school to handle this, or is this something that is within age appropriate parameters that it can be ignored/monitored. My son told me that this has been going on for a few years! I am assuming that the other boy is sensory.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 6:40 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

It sounds very sensory. And must be SO annoying to your poor son! If the teachers don't address the issue, perhaps reach out to the school principal. The child probably needs lots of OT

My son did not say that he doesn't like it and according to the teacher looks like he is enjoying it but she said that it is really weird and she is surprised that it does not negatively effect my son socially. If my son was doing the rubbing then I would definitely ask him to stop but since he is being rubbed and apparently likes it then I think it is a lot to expect my 3rd grader to ask the boy to stop. Also, I am not sure my son would listen to me, I would have to ask the teachers to stop the activity. We just had PTA and the teacher mentioned it to the other boys mother (since I had spoken to the teacher about it) and the other mother was not concerned. I had found out about it earlier this year when my son casually mentioned to me that this boy in his class really likes the shirt that he is going to wear to school that day (something like, oh, this is Yankel's favorite shirt of mine).

naomi2

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 9:30 pm

Very weird and needs to stop. No touching game in 3rd grade is appropriate. Teacher needs to tell the boys seriously that there will not be rubbing shirts from now on because it's not appropriate for school. If she sees it or hears of it, there will be consequenses.

Rachel Shira

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 10:03 pm

If I were a third grade teacher (I teach another age) I would not allow any of my students to touch each other like that no matter if he liked it or not. Not okay, in my opinion. You can ask the teacher to enforce "no touching" at least for this scenario and she should direct him to other more appropriate sensory input.
JMHO.

cnc

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 10:47 pm

When I taught/ long term subbed elementary school , my rule was no touching others without permission. I was very emphatic because I knew that one of my students had been molested.
The problem in this scenario is that your son likes it and is technically giving permission.

I think the teacher still needs to implement a no touching rule. The boy doing the rubbing most likely needs an OT eval.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Dec 15 2016, 10:57 pm

momtra wrote:

Is this boy only rubbing your son's shirt, or other boys as well? That would make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Is there a psychologist/ social worker in the school you can speak to?

It is just my son, if it was more boys then I would feel more comfortable.

amother

Tan

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 12:14 am

You are kidding right?

This is not okay. It is weird. I would talk to my son nicely and totally not confrontationally and be sure that he knows that this is not okay and you will ask the teacher to monitor but he should not do this anymore.

Maybe its okay now, but in a year or two, he will be considered really weird.

amother

Black

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 2:47 am

amother wrote:

Its very possible that the other boy has ASD or has sensory needs. Its common for them to do something that calms then down or helps them. If the child isnt sensory thats where I would worry.

Rachel Shira

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 6:58 am

amother wrote:

Its very possible that the other boy has ASD or has sensory needs. Its common for them to do something that calms then down or helps them. If the child isnt sensory thats where I would worry.

Just because a child has sensory issues doesn't give him free rein to do inappropriate things. The adults in his life need to help him find healthier, more normal ways to fill this need.
I feel strongly about this. No one should be touched in questionable ways by anyone and OP's son should be taught that he has full control of his body. I'm sorry, it's irresponsible of the teacher to not be proactive about this.

imasinger

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 7:18 am

I agree with Rachel Shira.

I have kids with sensory issues/ASD. They need a parent or teacher to step in if they do something socially inappropriate. They don't pick things up automatically, but that doesn't mean that they get free rein to follow their impulses.

OP, I think you should tell your DS that school is not the place for massages or chest/backrubs, and he should tell the other boy to stop.

Since he likes the experience, you can give him massages at home.

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 11:10 am

I have a sensory-seeking 3rd grade daughter. I consider it my job to teach her what is and isn't appropriate. I would be horrified if she were doing something like this in school (she isn't B"H). She knows she can hug me, for example, but not fellow classmates. No touching.

I'm shocked that the teacher is not putting a stop to this. You should tell your child that it's inappropriate and he should not allow the other boy to do this. And ask the teacher to be on top of it too. If teacher won't monitor the situation, speak to the principal and any available guidance counselor in school.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 11:17 am

amother wrote:

So, I should tell my son that it is not ok to be rubbed and expect him to tell the other boy to stop doing it? This seems too much to expect of an 8 year old, but I do think if it was my son doing the rubbing then I could expect him to stop if I tell him to stop.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 11:22 am

imasinger wrote:

If my son asks why, then what do I answer? After PTA when I was told by the teacher that she is witnessing these rubs that I had described to her and that is really weird and the other mother is not concerned, I did speak to my son to ask a few questions and make sure that he doesn't touch him in the bathroom, and I mentioned to my son that it is weird and I was going to find out from a Morah if this is something that should be stopped because of anything not good that can happen from it and my son (who is only 8) said that this boy has been doing this for years and nothing bad happened. Also, at this point, even though my son is not yet the right age, I am TERRIFIED of sending him to sleep away camp since he seems to be the type that will not say NO.

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 11:58 am

Yes - you should tell your child that it's not appropriate to be rubbed, and that he should not allow the other boy to do this. He should tell him to stop. The reason is that it's not appropriate. Period.

Torah Umesorah says as a general rule, a child should know that no one may touch them anywhere that a bathing suit covers. For a girl, that's a bit more encompassing than a boy's bathing suit. I don't have any sons, but I think if I did, I would tell them they can't be touched both in bathing suit and undershirt area.

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 11:59 am

In terms of sleepaway camp, I would not send any child of mine to sleepaway camp until I felt they were emotionally ready. I would push it off until I felt that confidence. For my girls, so far that has been at age 13. I would push it off longer than that for a particular child if I felt it was necessary.

imasinger

Fri, Dec 16 2016, 12:30 pm

amother wrote:

If my son asks why, then what do I answer?

How about this?

"It's not something that kids are supposed to be doing. Touching any part of someone's body like that, for more than a second, or by accident, isn't something that is supposed to happen outside of your own family. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm, but you need to tell him no. If you like, you can say that your mom doesn't let anyone do rubs except your own family."

amother wrote:

Also, at this point, even though my son is not yet the right age, I am TERRIFIED of sending him to sleep away camp since he seems to be the type that will not say NO.

And the benefit is that you will have taught him.