Where to turn for advice - boy rubs my son in school

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 9:58 am

amother wrote:

http://www.magennewyork.org

http://mychildsafetyinstitute.org

http://www.safetykids.org/prog.....-kid/

OP here again. Tried all avenues mentioned here, including Project YES, didn't get through to anyone to ask for help on this topic. I spoke to both Rebbi and Teacher and they said they would say "keep your hands to yourself" but meanwhile the other boy is still rubbing my son. Any advice? I did receive confirmation here that this is a problem but am lost with what to do next.

LiLIsraeli

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 1:39 pm

I can't believe this is still going on.

Can you find out more details? When is it happening? During class, at recess, at lunch?

Why is nobody stopping this? This is really concerning to me.

(It's not too much for a 3rd grade boy to stop this behavior. A neurotypical kid can surely understand that touching others in this way is not appropriate. If he has ASD then the teacher/therapists should be working on it with him and not letting him do this. Either way there is no reason it should be going on this long.)

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 2:49 pm

OP here. I also can't believe this is still going on after talking to his Rebbe and Teacher about it and they both said they would tell the other boy to keep his hands to himself.

I see my options as (but appreciate input!):
1. Asking my son to stop (I do not think he will listen because he will not stand up to this kid since he just does not see any harm being caused)
2. Calling up the school principal (Not sure this will get me anywhere)
3. Calling up the boys mother (Not sure this will get me anywhere)

Switching my sons class is not really an option since his friends are in his class and I am afraid if I tell my son that I will switch his class if this doesn't stop then he will just stop being truthful to me about the fact that it is still going on.

imasinger

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 3:13 pm

You need to talk to your DS, and impress on him that this is off limits, whether he sees the harm in it, or not. Why? Because you said so.

Just because he doesn't think there's anything wrong here doesn't mean that you have nothing more to say.

You have to explain to him, like I said earlier, that rubbing someone's shoulders, arms, or body is a meant to be a private thing, for family or specific medical professionals (massage therapist) only.

It sounds like the rebbe will support him in this, so it won't be coming just from you.

I am having trouble understanding why, if this is bothering you so much, you haven't already done so.

What are you going to do if some years from now, he argues there's no real harm in smoking, or something else?

amother

Tan

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 5:08 pm

I. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND!

You need to tell your son that this is never okay. Why have you waited all year. If you allow him to keep this up, he will no have any friends. The other boys will think hes weird too.

Why are you so scared of your son not listening to you that you wont even tell him its not okay.

This story is almost not believable. That's how not normal this story is.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 5:53 pm

I think you can explain to your son that this is not okay (other posters have given good suggestions how to do that), but I agree that it may be a lot to expect him to put a stop to it, especially since he is already very accustomed to it. I think it's the responsibility of the adults at school to put a stop to it. You seem to be reluctant to forcefully insist that they must stop it. If another kid was slapping your kid every day, what would you do? Wouldn't you expect the teacher to intervene and stop the other kid?

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 9:01 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I appreciate all of the input. I am disappointed that it is still ongoing. I found out about it when I first posted and my son told me that it has been going on for years. I can try to explain my hesitancy in having my son be the one to put a stop:
1. I am afraid that if I tell him to tell the other boy to stop then my son will stop confiding that it is still going on (I have no way of knowing whether this will be the case, but right now the info that I am getting is from my son). For the poster that gave the example of smoking, if my son was smoking then I would definitely insist that he stop but I would have a fear that he may not listen to me and I would still look for signs that he was still smoking (smell, money spent), in the case of the other boy rubbing my son, there are NO SIGNS, so if I somehow give my son reason to stop telling me about it (or deny that it is happening) then he may end up keeping the truth from me. I did try "hinting" to my son that he should tell the other boy to stop and he was not interested in that at all!
2. I do feel that it is too much to expect my son to get this other boy to stop! If my son was the one doing the rubbing then I believe I could instruct him to stop and if he didn't then I am assuming I would still hear about it. In this case, the other boy is doing to the rubbing, not him!

MagentaYenta

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 9:49 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. ...
2. I do feel that it is too much to expect my son to get this other boy to stop! If my son was the one doing the rubbing then I believe I could instruct him to stop and if he didn't then I am assuming I would still hear about it. In this case, the other boy is doing to the rubbing, not him!

Your son needs to learn to give consent before someone touches him. He needs to learn how to set physical boundaries and ask an appropriate adult to intervene when his boundaries aren't respected. This is obviously not being taught at his school. It remains your job to teach and reinforce.

If your son cannot say no to a boy his age rubbing him, he certainly will not be in the position to resist the advances of an adult.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 10:17 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I appreciate all of the input. I am disappointed with the intervention of the teachers. I found out about it when I first posted and my son told me that it has been going on for years.

Is it possible that if you were more forceful in saying that you think it is a problem and that you want it to be stopped and if you involved the principal and made a big deal about it that the teachers would take it more seriously and do something more effective. They have said they witness it and think it is weird. Have you told them unequivocally that you want this to stop? Why is it hard for them to just stop the other boy when they see him approaching your son? Same as they would hopefully do if one kid was hitting another.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 4:10 am

MagentaYenta wrote:

The problem (as I understand it) is that OP's son likes it.
Maybe he doesn't give verbal consent, but he doesn't mind and won't take action to make it stop.

imasinger

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 7:40 am

OP, I changed my mind.

It sounds like you are not ready to talk to your DS yet, and the rubbing is a little off, but not so terrible in the grand scheme of things. I suspect that eventually, in a year or two, it will begin to bother DS, and he will speak up.

I am more focused now on your having stated a deep concern that you will damage your relationship with your DS to the point where he won't confide in you, if you tell him how strongly you feel about this.

That, in and of itself, is pretty concerning, and probably would benefit from some therapeutic intervention.

Do you have an awareness about your own history? Why is the issue of expressing yourself strongly such a hot button? Was there a time in your past when you or someone close to you did so, and something bad happened? (Food for thought, you don't have to answer).

Any time you find yourself holding back from speaking your true feelings about something that matters a lot to you, there is a problem.

I hope you can find the answers you need, so that you can see your way through this situation.

Short term therapy might provide some long term benefits.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 7:47 am

amother wrote:

The problem (as I understand it) is that OP's son likes it.
Maybe he doesn't give verbal consent, but he doesn't mind and won't take action to make it stop.

Try to look at it this way. If the boy was rubbing your son in a place that was more inappropriate, and it was very pleasurable to your son, and he wanted it to continue, what would you do? Whether it was the front of his shirt, or the front of his pants, should not make a difference here. What if the other boy was several years older?

Your son needs to learn that just because it feels good, doesn't mean that it should be happening. The other boy may be harmless, but I worry for your son. Some day he may meet a predator, and will have no frame of reference to protect himself. The pattern of pleasurable touch will already be set up.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 10:06 am

imasinger wrote:

OP here. I will think about what you are saying but normally I do speak my mind to my kids and other loved ones. I am specifically afraid that if I tell him to stop allowing the rubs (which I still think is a lot to ask of an 8 yr old) then he will not be truthful when I ask if it is still going on, and at this point I am relying on him as a source of information to know if this is still happening. I don't think it would damage my relationship with my son but I do think that he might lie about what is happening regarding this specific item.