What approach is the best w. Defiant Teens?

southernbubby

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 1:24 pm

My teens were not very defiant but usually I tried not to oppose their choices unless I really had to. I also taught them to drive which gave them the autonomy that they wanted. That is not an option for everyone because of the laws of the place that they live. It also has a very big safety factor. Some options also depend on financial circumstances. For example, rather than fight with your dd about diet and exercise, if you can afford it, sign her up at a gym.
Some rules might be like waving a red flag in front of a bull. For example suppose the high school says that a girl cannot wear make-up, even when not at school; some kids will find a way to do this anyway and I believe that a parent should ignore rather than fight about this.

TammyTammy

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

What has worked?

It really depends.

It depends on what type of kids your teens are, it depends on what they are defiant about and it depends on how you've handled them up until this point.

In short, without more information, we can make random suggestions, but I don't know how effective they'll be with *your* teens.

Tammy

southernbubby

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 1:50 pm

I think that parents have to realize that teens want to be adults. I knew someone whose girls rebelled because when they entered their teens, the mother wanted them to still dress like little girls. Actually I know more than one like that. It may seem a bit unsettling to see a 15yr old with high heels or a 17yr old bocher with a blue tooth cell attachment in his ear but unless it becomes unsafe, let them do it.

amother

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 2:25 pm

TammyTammy wrote:

amother wrote:

What has worked?

It really depends...It depends on what type of kids your teens are, it depends on what they are defiant about and it depends on how you've handled them up until this point...In short, without more information, we can make random suggestions, but I don't know how effective they'll be with *your* teens.
Tammy

Quote:

It depends on what type of kids your teens are

One teen only B"H- Very bright, but selfish- lack of Midos, likes to do their own thing at their own time

Quote:

it depends on what they are defiant about

Religion, schoolwork, rules

Quote:

it depends on how you've handled them up until this point

very easygoing, probably too much so

TammyTammy

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 3:14 pm

This is just MHO. Use at your own risk. Your milage may vary. No warranty is implied. Offer void in Mississippi.

Teens are at a stage in their life when they are asserting their independence. They are searching for their own identity, and no longer want to be "Mommy's little boy/girl."

As a parent, you have to recognize this and come to grips with the fact that your kid is... well... no longer a kid. He or she will want to express themselves their way and do what they want to do.

Now you, as a parent, are older and wiser than they are. And furthermore, they live under your roof, and that gives you the right to make the rules.

But there are rules and there are rules. Don't try to enforce every rule that was ever made because then your teen is going to rebel. You have to "go with the flow" and realize that the way they act may not be the way you want them to act all the time. You, however, have to decide which rules are TRULY IMPORTANT to you (and your DH, of course) and which ones you can be flexible with. It's important that there be rules you can be flexible with... if you're going to insist on adherence to every single little rule all the time, you will be stifling his emerging independence, which is bad for you as an authority figure and bad for him in his self-esteem. There should be rules that are "unbreakable" and your teen has to know that these rules are unbreakable and that there are consequences for breaking them.

In short, you have to learn to let them be somewhat. It's perfectly normal for kids to try to express themselves in different ways, including ways that you may not normally approve of.

Tammy

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 3:21 pm

Totally agree with picking your battles.

I personally would think, as long as they are safe, keeping the basics of a frum life (shabbes, kashrus, some tznius, not messing around with the opposite gender), friends you approve of or tolerate, and passing grade at school... let them sleep late, have a messy room or dress in ugly colours LOL

southernbubby

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 4:55 pm

The teenage years are a period of extreme self-centeredness and whenever you see a teen doing something wonderful like volunteering for Friendship Circle, he or she is putting forth supreme effort to overcome this natural self-centeredness.
I know some very laid-back easy going parents whose kids were not doing well in yeshiva. Possibly they felt that putting max effort into anything was a waste of energy. There has to be some expectation of following rules or it is questionable if the rules really exist.
It is just that when enforcing rules, we must remember that this teenager is leaving childhood and trying to become an adult. They want explanations and they don't want to have to do anything because "I said so." Punishing a teen is apt to spark major rebellion so it has to be more of a consequence such as not extending credit if they max their credit card. Their limit is their limit period even if we are stingy ogres. If they keep getting overcharges, the card is canceled. A traffic ticket comes out of their bank account and so on.

shoshb

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 5:10 pm

You also have to have a sense of when they're really going to do something, and when they're just testing you.
One lady I used to work with, had a 15 year old daughter who announced one day that she wanted a tattoo. "Where would you put it?" asked the mother, "I really like flowers". Of course, the teen never did it, she was just looking to fight with her mother, and prove that I can get a tattoo if I want one. A dangerous game, to be sure, but worked in this case.
I have cousins that are always telling my mother that they don't think it's so bad to marry out if you really love the person and you're happy and all that. My mother lies awake nights crying over them. I don't think they'd ever do it, I think they like getting a rise out of her.
So figure out what you think the child is really up to, and as everyone else has said, pick your battles.