How to help a 6 yr old take life easier

thunderstorm

Sat, Dec 17 2016, 5:25 pm

At PTA the rebbe told my DH that my DS age 6 takes everything very literally and it causes him to stress over things and become anxious. I have this with him at home too. For example the rebbe said the boys should wash Negel vasser by the bed. My kids always washed in the sink since my DH didn't like the idea of water spilling in the bedrooms. My DS gets all upset if I go to put a checkmark on his homework sheet by washing Negel vasser. Since it's not doing it the way the rebbe said it should be done. Example #2 : DS is supposed to review his Chumash 3x at homework time . I saw that he was tired and I told him to review it at least once that he does not have to do it 3x. He got hysterical and and says my rebbe says " ayn mul is kayn mul" (one time is as like never). If someone in the class doesn't follow the rules to the tee my DS gets all bent out of shape and tattles or rebukes the kid. I am not tough with him, so I don't know why he gets so stressed. What can I do to alleviate this tension that he has so that he can live life more relaxed and not fret over everything? Or is this just a nature ?

amother

Amber

Sat, Dec 17 2016, 5:34 pm

1. A child can get like this when they witness or experience harsh punishment to minor infractions. You say you are not like this, but if he ever had a teacher or friend's parent harshly react to a child's behavior, he may begin to fear what is going to happen when he sees things going "wrong." When sensitive children who have witnessed this see someone doing something wrong, they feel they need to protect any way they can--even if it means telling on the kid, taking something away from someone, or some other knee jerk reaction.
2. An abused kid can also have a similar reaction--that they see something "not right" and start freaking out, wondering what will happen now.
3. Some kids have anxiety without a trigger and can be helped through therapy

I'd talk to both my child and a psychologist to do further investigation. It can also help to say things like, "we are allowed to make mistakes" "we are allowed to use this toy in a way that it wasn't meant for" "Everyone does avairos sometimes, and it is ok, Hashem forgives us"

sourstix

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:18 am

If the rebbe is the one saying, that once is considered like nothing, he is the one making your son anxious. If your child was not like this before, it's time to have a talk with the rebbe and hear what his discipline methods are and ask other parents what their kids are reacting like. I wouldn't jump to psychologist right away. Especially that you say you are not like this and this sounds new to you. Please don't run to psychologists right away. First go the normal natural way. Some people run to pesychologists right away.

amother

Amber

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:26 am

sourstix wrote:

Please don't run to psychologists right away. First go the normal natural way. Some people run to pesychologists right away.

Psychologists are unnatural? Psychologists are rarely unhelpful. I did not suggest that you start going to therapy! I suggested you consult with one to rule out abuse and anxiety, which may only take a few sessions. Psychologists are trained to pick up on underlying issues and respond in an ideal way to fragile people so their problems heal. With abuse and anxiety, the longer you wait to see a psyc, the deeper the issue becomes.

cnc

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:45 am

amother wrote:

I agree.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:55 am

BTDT

Some warning signs to watch out for, are unexplained headaches, stomach aches, trouble sleeping, and school avoidance. These are all symptoms of anxiety for sure, and maybe abuse, but you can't know for sure unless you can get your child to talk about it in more detail.

DD is a very anxious child, and either does things by the book, or else avoids them completely. If she can't do it perfectly, she shuts down. She hasn't been abused, but I did find out that a lot of her anxiety was due to bullying, either by other kids, a teacher, or both. When she gets overwhelmed, it gets really bad, and it doesn't take much to push her over the edge.

If it gets a psychiatrist to help him open up, that can never be a bad thing.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:07 am

I appreciate all the advice. the rebbe is an easy going person and not strict at all. He has a sense of humor and I think my DS doesn't " get it" when the rebbe is kidding. He takes everything so literally. He loves to go to school and tells me all the time how much he likes his rebbe.
Is there such a thing as a pediatric psychologist?

amother

cornflower

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:11 am

there is definitely such a think as a pediatric psychologist or child psychologist. You can ask your school if they can recommend someone. The elementary schools I've sent to/ gone to has had someone on staff who was psychologist or social worker, I'm guessing your school doesn't have that? My daughter's school now is small but the principal happens have been a psychologist before opening the school so I count her Wink

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:14 am

amother wrote:

I don't think the school has anyone on staff. Is a social worker good enough or do I need to a psychologist specifically?

amother

cornflower

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:21 am

I would suggest you find out who people recommend as a therapist and take it from there. You can ask at school. You can post here asking for a child therapist for anxiety in your location. I think the people in the school were all psychologists but I'm not sure which is why I didn't say that. My only recommendation is that the person should be licensed, not sure what type of school you send to but if if they don't have anyone on staff I'm concerned they might send you to some unlicensed "helpful" person.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:28 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

IMHO,the first thing to do is ask your pediatrician for a referral to someone who can evaluate your DS. Is it possible he might be on the autism spectrum? He can be extremely bright and high functioning, but taking things extremely literally and not understanding humor are possible signs.

None of us are qualified to diagnose here, but it sounds like he might be eligible for speech and language therapy, which will help him understand things better. My daughter had 4 years of S&L through public schools, and it worked miracles for her. She is very socially adept now, and is starting to handle her anxiety a bit better (but it still flares up at times.)

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 2:10 pm

The psychologist should be able to give you advice as to your parenting too, and how to react in these instances.

My son gets very anxious to have everything perfect when *I* get anxious, even if it is very well hidden.
My other son gets anxious when I'm hard on him, so I had to learn where to relax my requests with him and only ask for the very basics in behaviour, homework, hygiene, etc.

amother

Beige

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:19 pm

Some kids are just like this. Naturally anxious, or need everything done just so. I have one kid who is such a little worry wart - by 5 years old she was already freaking out about becoming an adult, worried how on earth she will ever learn all she needs to know to take care of herself. I have another who if I show him the tiniest little bit of disapproval or give him the tiniest reprimand ("you dropped some chips on the floor, would you please pick them up and throw them away") is in a panic apologizing and asking me if I still love him. The other siblings are not like this and I can't imagine what life experiences could have brought them to this. They were born with these personalities. Has to be. I just reassure them. Constantly. I have not felt the need to go running to a child psychiatrist as they are largely happy and functional children despite these traits.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 6:26 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for your input. Until now I felt the same way. What concerned me is that the Rebbe commented and said its a problem. It's affecting his performance and his studies. I do believe it's personality. But I want to make sure that there isn't anything triggering it that it gets blown out of proportion. I always called him my " drama king". But maybe there is more than meets the eye. I am not jumping to label him or put him in therapy. I am going to discuss it with professionals to find out how to handle it.

chickpea_salad

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 7:09 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

I am going to discuss it with professionals to find out how to handle it.

Professionals are a fresh and informed set of eyes. I never trust them 100% but it is 100% valuable to get their opinion on things.