Feeling bad for not having cleaning lady

amother

Indigo

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 4:42 pm

I once invited someone for a shabbos meal- I have jokingly told her that since she mentioned that she doesn't have a cleaning lady I feel more comfortable having her over even though I don't have one either. I think she appreciated that and told her husband lol! I had never seen her house so it wasn't a comment on her actual housekeeping.

I get you though.

thunderstorm

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 5:02 pm

I don't have a cleaning lady. I work and have a mess most of the time. I worked hard today to clean. And I would love to have someone else do it for me. But it's not a possibility right now. and instead of being upset about it I cut myself some slack. We are not meant to be super women . I am a good mother, wife, employee but I'm not the best cleaning woman out there. And it's not so much that I don't know how, I just don't have time or I just don't feel like washing toilets and floors. So the floors may be stickier than my neighbors and my sinks are full of dishes. But I have no shame. I know I'm doing the best or possibly more than I need to and that in itself makes me feel good about it. It's all in a matter of perspective...I think

zaq

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 8:18 pm

Ah the tyranny of inflated expectations!
Train yourself to be unapologetically yourself and REFUSE to feel bad about not having things you would be perfectly ok without did you not think that "everyone else" had them. As your mom probably told you, when you think that "everyone" in the class has something, chances are only a vocal few really do.

And even if they do, so what? You are not they. The only reason you feel bad is that you're comparing yourself to other people. By doing so you give them power to make you unhappy. Why would you do that? Solution is simple: Quit comparing yourself to them. Mihu heashir? Hasameach bechelko. It was true 2000 years ago and is still true today.

pizza4

Sun, Dec 18 2016, 8:28 pm

There's a children's book called "ish" about a boy who liked to draw. At one point his brother made a nasty comment on one of his drawings saying that it didn't look at all like what it was supposed to. He got upset and then only saw how his pictures were not good... until his little sister showed him that they WERE good enough. For example, it may not look like a boat, but it looks boat-ish!

Op your house may not be sparkling clean as a cleaning woman might get it looking, but it gets clean-ish! Maybe thats okay?

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 12:34 am

I completely empathize with you, op.

I work very full time, have a handful of little kids, and have never felt it was within my budget to have cleaning help, even though it would do wonders for my menuchas hanefesh and for my home. It seems like a given these days that when the going gets tough you just 'get more cleaning help' but what happens to those of us who don't have any to begin with? And just because things are hard, busy, etc it automatically means there should be money somewhere to pay for it?

Seriously, this topic brings me to tears- my friends kvetch about their cleaning ladies, but HELLO, you have someone who comes to clean your house!

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 12:52 am

amother wrote:

We all have things we prioritize financially and there's nothing wrong with putting cleaning help on the top or bottom of your list- it's personal. It doesn't mean that everyone who has cleaning help is rich. I have not had a manicure in 7+ years, have never bought flowers for Shabbat, etc but I have cleaning help for 2-3 hours a week. It's cheaper than therapy. Even so I still have plenty of cleaning and household stuff to do all week long but I do really appreciate the help I have. I I hope that soon you can afford cleaning help and whatever else can make your life easier/happier.

gibberish

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 1:17 am

I get you. I work full-time, have young children at home, and no cleaning help (though I do splurge for about 2 hours once a year before YT). What helps me is remembering that I am spending my money wisely and that is more important than my house always being perfect. You are not alone!

saw50st8

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 7:13 am

amother wrote:

Many of us have no cleaning help AND no manicures AND no flowers for shabbos etc. It's a ton of money no matter how you slice it and I think once you have it, it's nearly impossible to give up.

OP, I don't have cleaning help either. What my husband and I do is prioritize what and how we clean. So our toilets get scrubbed pretty regularly but I don't always get every dust bunny in the house. My house is clean enough. We also try to keep our entryway and living room straightened up because it's the first thing you see when you walk into the door. It makes a huge difference.

I don't think my friends judge me for that. People seem to have a great time in our house. We do a "good enough" job and that's about it.

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 7:40 am

amother wrote:

My dear, I hope you realize that most people that have a budget that does not allow for cleaning help, don't have the ability to get flowers for Shabbos or get manicures for that matter . I don't get ANY of those. I used to have cleaning help but my tuition increased so I had to forgo the help as we do not spend more than we have, and I work full time.

amother

Tan

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:33 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

Also, not everybody on here WANTS cleaning help. I am in the fortunate position of being able to afford cleaning help if I wanted it. But I don't. I don't like the idea of having a stranger in my home or of somebody else cleaning up after me. I don't like the idea of my kids getting used to somebody coming in to clear up after them. My place is a disaster but at least I know that the cleaning that is done is done by me and not somebody else. I loathe that people feel pressured to have cleaning help. Outside of the frum world, it really, really is not the norm.

tichellady

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:38 am

amother wrote:

It's also not the norm outside of the frum world to have many kids, pay for private school and make huge meals all the time.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:42 am

Don't feel bad OP. I haven't had a cleaning lady for over 8 years. Though there are times I would love to have one, I've never felt any personal angst about it. It totally doesn't define who I am. (actually, I'm a pretty good balabuste and proud of it...though I can't say my house looks like a hotel at all times either....)

amother

Gray

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 11:56 am

This thread reminds me of advice a newlywed friend of mine got, unsolicited of course, from her mil: Always make sure to have space in your budget for cleaning help. Well, mil came from a moneyed family and was married to a corporate lawyer. She had space in her budget for anything she wanted. Friend was one half of a couple who were trying to make a go of a struggling business. They didn't have money to go to the doctor, let alone have cleaning help--and how much cleaning help does a childless couple in their 20s need, anyway? I had the mil pegged as an intelligent woman till I heard that tidbit.

I don't know what the obsession and controversy is about cleaning help. Having it is neither a moral failing nor a moral imperative nor an inalienable right. It's a convenience, plain and simple. For those who are physically or mentally incapable, it is a necessity. That's all.