Dd wants to go back to brick and mortar school

amother

Black

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 8:49 pm

teen Daughter comes home from shabbaton saying she totally misses people and wants to be back in brick and mortar. She chose to be home schooled last year as a form of self preservation- bullying etc. She has grown so much and really has learned way more than she would have in school( not blaming schools here, just a fact with one on one attention). So she sat in on classes at a different school(more left leaning than we are) and came back saying how amazing it was and how nice everyone was etc. Husband is worried that she will not learn anything while there, it is a very rigorous school with tons of extra "busywork" and daughter will get frustrated and her self esteem will be shot again. She is exhausted in general by (;30 (I know not a typical teenager) so I don't know how she would handle the work. He is also worried about the social aspect as well, daughter is a "yeshiva" girl and more on the naive side. This school is a coed day school and stuff like in all schools does go on- I know it happens in Yeshivas too but not as public or because we have our heads in the sand. Daughter tends to stay away from the kids that are testing the boundaries, but what if her friends start testing those boundaries as well, then will she start avoiding them too and then we are back to square one with no social. life. Husband does not understand why if girls are not in school together, why can't they be friends outside of school.- its not the same, plus if you are not seen you are forgotten about.

Daughter also has an over all track record of quitting things- not big important things, but took drums, quit that. took photography quit that. had a babysitting job, quit that(easy kids). All these little things add up and I certainly don't want her to go to this new school and then realize this is not for me.socially or educationally and feel like a quitter even though she always has a reason for quitting.

So, now that I have ranted- do we say, sorry nope. Let her try it and hope for the best. I feel badly for her that all she gets to see is my lovely face and twice a week does NCSY and an art class. Its not the same as hanging out in the hallway of school and schmoozing.

Thoughts!!!

amother

White

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 1:38 am

btdt, I lean toward letting her try it.

My dd is quite similar to what you describe. she started and quit lots of things, and then as she got older, she developed capacity for, and interest in , completing things.

Today she's twenty-six.

I clicked on this thread cuz I'm always delighted to see a fellow home-schooling family.

It's in line with my general philosophy to support children in their sense of agency. Your daughter being teen age, I would not get in her way. Getting in her way about this could lead to resentment in the relationship. She's growing into an adult and needs support. her reasons for wanting to go back to brick and mortar make sense. My dd wanted it at age fourteen. She went back to bam and quit after a few weeks. Started the following year again, and quit. Too sensitive a soul for being in an environment of bullying, etc.

Fast forward, she completed college with a 4.0 gpa. Don't ask me how. She decided to do it and she did it. It's so important to offer support, rather than direction. I never told her what to do, merely listened as she explored for herself.

amother

Black

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 9:25 am

Thanks so much for sharing. Did your dd ever get into her head that she a "quitter" ? The other concern is if she does go to this school and she realizes that its not for her and the kids are not as nice as on the day she visited ( I compare it to getting a new toy- they are fun to play with and then after a while it gets left ). The we will have to start the healing process again and then she will really have no friends.
Yes I am a total helicopter parent right now- but she went through so much and has really built herself back up that I just don't know if she is ready to be hurt again.

AS a side point she said she would spend a day or 2 at the school she left- I just dropped her off just to see if the girls had changed, new students have joined the class , kids are older. As we pulled up to the building her whole body started to shake and then she began crying and not understanding why she was crying... It was like she was being dropped off at the first day of nursery school- full blown panic attack. As if she had met up with someone who had abused her and I guess bullying is abuse.S I am very proud of her as he composed herself and did go- but I wish I really knew the full story as to what the kids did to her and now I am feeling terrible for letting her go back in- although it could possibly be therapeutic to face that fear..... ugh!

mummiedearest

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 9:55 am

op, is she in therapy to deal with her reaction to her old school?

If she's traumatized to that degree, I would consider asking her to wait till next year before starting this other school. give her some time to heal. also, don't keep her home so much. find some after school activities for public school kids and take her a few times a week. socializing is very important, and there are so many options out there for kids on a public school schedule. since she tends to drop things, find a class that runs for a set length (you should be able to find classes that run in three month semesters) and tell her that she has to finish them. if she doesn't want to continue on to the next course, let her choose something else. it sounds like your daughter does not necessarily want standard schooling, just the social aspect of it. you can provide that without putting her in a full-time school environment for now.

mummiedearest

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 10:16 am

amother wrote:

yes- in therapy still and has been discussing pros and cons etc. of going to school again. It is great to have our own schedule, but she does not like doing things not in the frum population... she also does volunteer work with special needs children and helps at the shul sometimes.

ok, so the frum population thing is an issue. are there other frum homeschoolers in your community? I don't homeschool, but I "home camp." I made a group of families from the community and arranged weekly meetings so the kids could see friends regularly. if you can find her some homeschooling friends her age, she should feel better.

is there a chabad near you that runs an after school hebrew school program for younger kids? if so, see if she can work there. she may enjoy socializing with a young, energetic hebrew school teacher, and it would be a good activity for her in general. a daily or near-daily responsibility would probably be good for her, and she'd have a bit more of a social life.

amother

Black

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 6:17 pm

op here-so she just got back from the visiting the old school and not much as changed, girls whispering about her, being obnxious.
First school that she liked got back to me saying they can't take her in the middle of the year,
Now dd is in tears because she does not want to be homeschooled anymore, she can't stand just doing work by herself and with me. I gave her all kinds of suggestions - like there is a jewish homeschool co-op group herethat has some classes- ope those girls are not like me. How about doing Shabbos groups at the shul where most of these kids go. Her response- I don't want to do groups
me- but you just said they won't talk to you if you don't do groups
her- but I don't wanna do groups
me- you gotta do your part to break into the group
her- they are not my age anyway (then she lists 4 people who are her age)
me- maybe you can go to the school's basketball games and cheer them on
her-I don't go to that school so that is weird
me-but you just made some friends and the game is open to the community
her-people don't do that you have to be in the school to route for them
me- so we will find extra curricular activates
her-I don't want to be with non jews
me- you just made some friends while there- text them before Shabbos and slowly make your way into the group
her-that's weird too, you can't just do that you have to be in the school to hang out with them
me- we know plenty of homeschoolers who hang out with them
her- they are giving those people a pity party they don't really like them
her again- I don't want to be homechooled- can I go t a school hat is an hour drive away
me- no(she can't handle it and she nows she can't)

What am I not getting here- she wants to be with people, but isn't wiling to do the work she will have to do for right now I order to be with people.

Any ideas- I am feeling so sad for her- she begged to be homeschooled and it saved her -but the world does not always jump for whatever you want.

mummiedearest

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 10:48 pm

op, she knows socializing would be good for her, but she is scared to try. she's been traumatized in the past. I think this is the time you need to step in as the adult and tell her that she WILL do xyz. make the decision for her. sign her up for something and make her go. take her to the basketball games or something. notify her that this is an order, not a request, and that she does not have any other options. she's still your kid. she shouldn't have complete control over where she goes and who she sees. as long as the environment you put her in is not creating another traumatic experience for her, she'll be fine.

imasinger

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 6:51 am

I'm not sure I agree, mummiedearest.

I think by teen years, it is much less effective to force a girl to do something, and, because of the power struggle, pretty much sets it up that the girl will hate the activity that has been forced.

I wonder if there are girls from the LW school she wants who might be available to get together with. I think if she has a core group (2 others is enough) of "good" girls, whom you approve of, she'll be fine at the more left leaning place. She'll feel comfortable holding to family standards, and she'll have allies in handling the work load. In the course of figuring out the right choice for each of my kids (hashkafically, I sit somewhere in no man's land between our local RW and LW options), I spoke to many parents whose DD's managed beautifully this way.

You can give her a time frame to build those bridges, and let her visit the school for another few times as well.

For us, it was the other way around; my oldest was unhappy and being teased at the MO school, and begged for the RW option.

This isn't the place to go into the pros and cons of moving further left vs right, but we as parents did have things we were concerned about, and, like you, we were particularly concerned about it not working out. We took it slow, and once we agreed to the move, she was so, so happy.

Her social life improved dramatically, and after a couple of years of academic struggle, she took off like a rocket and did really well academically, b"H.

mummiedearest

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 8:12 am

imasinger, the op can always discuss with her dd's therapist before going forward, but I do think teens can benefit from some set expectations from parents, even if they don't love the activities involved. speaking as someone who has a very hard time focusing on finishing things I don't particularly enjoy, feeling obligated to do them makes a big difference. even teens need some rules set for them, there's nothing wrong with informing her that she'll have an obligation for a few hours a week. if the teen has an excuse to avoid every possible version of something that she knows would benefit her, she'll never get there on her own.