Is this worth a fight?

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 3:07 pm

About two years ago, my now 17 year old daughter wanted to buy thongs. I said NO, it was not tznius, and there was no reason in the world for her to wear them. She bought them anyway, and when I found them in the wash, I took them all away. Since then she has been doing her own laundry, but I periodically check her drawer when she is in school. Yesterday, I found two pairs in the laundry room, and threw them out. Today, I went through her drawer, and found almost all her underwear are thongs. I am horrified! What in the world does a 17 year old girl need such underwear for? I am at a loss at what to do. Do I approach her and tell her what I found? Do I let it go? The last week or so has not been good between us. I am usually the big guy in the house, and I have been snipping at her that her tops are too low. So she is not happy with me in general.

WWYD? close your eyes to the problem, toss them all, or confront her on it?

DefyGravity

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 3:17 pm

Most people just wear thongs so their underwear line doesn't show. They're not necessarily wearing them to be s-xy.

If she is wearing it to be s-xy, then that means she's taking her clothing off for someone. That's a bigger problem than the thong.

No, I don't think a thong is worth fighting over. It's just underwear.

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 3:22 pm

I'm not a parent of teens, but I wouldn't worry so much about her underwear. fight the tznius issues that show. if her top is too low cut, mention it. if she's doing her own laundry and buying her own underwear, I think you can let it go. some people find thongs more comfy. besides, throwing out the underwear which technically speaking serves a purpose and is not (I hope) showing through the outer layer of clothing could be baal tashchis. tznius is an inner feeling that cannot be taught, and throwing out her underwear isn't going to help her realize what tznius is.

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 3:30 pm

I dont think thongs are s-xy at all I just wear them cause more comfy and look better with fitted skirts. if she has an issue with tznius its better to let her get it out of her system with under clothing then outer! maybe her tops are getting lower cause u are throwing out her underware. dont u remember being a teenager-cant try to control every aspect of her life, will just make her rebel more.

luckyme

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 4:18 pm

I agree with the mothers above & have dealt with similar issues with my own teenager. Better to fight the 'tops too low' battle than the underwear that doesn't show. Thumbs Up

Good points were also made regarding rebellion when a teen feels she has no control over her life
I also agree that thongs are waaay more comfy & show less, which I personally find more tzniut than being able to see the panty lines.

Sue DaNym

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 4:19 pm

not worth a fight. you can let her know that you prefer she wear "normal" underwear and that youre not happy that she did this, but its not worth making a major issue over

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 4:30 pm

amother wrote:

im wearing thongs right now! theyre just way more comfy!

southernbubby

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 4:37 pm

I am past that stage and never had the issue but in general I tried not to oppose anything unless it could get them in trouble with the school. Teens need to be allowed to make choices and this is one safe choice.

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 5:06 pm

Original OP here.

OK, so drop the issue. What I do not get is how in the world are thongs more comfy??? I hate wedgies! I just don't see how they are more comfortable than regular undies.

My DD is also wearing heavy denim skirts, so I don't think that the panty line is an issue. I do hear the control issue.

I am very sad about tznius is something that comes from within. I have tried repeatedly to get this message across, but this young lady is just not aidel. I don't know how to teach aidelkeit.

southernbubby

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 5:25 pm

Most kids do not remain as they are as teenagers when they reach maturity. It is not a good idea to try to fix them or teach them something that they do not want to learn. I have seen some horrendous teens that became solid citizens. I think it is a good idea even to show some interest in what the teen is interested such as the types of exercise she likes or books she likes to read.

amother

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 5:53 pm

I´m still barely past my teens (20) and I wear thongs all the time.. I do not even own a biggy one . I wear them because I find them comfortable, and with the heat here they´re much better than big ones. Besides big ones are very uncomfy and show lines on your clothes......

The more you fight with your DD the more she will distance herself from being in tzniut, and when she will leave the home for college, chances are that ch¨v she will drop tzniut altogether.

You can´t force tzniut on a person. Yes, you can force someone to wear a skirt, but not to be tzniut!! (I hope this makes sence)

Because of this I myself wear pants and tshirts........ when it always gets forced on you.............. you just dont want it and can´t handle it anymore.

workingallthetime

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 7:22 pm

um, im with the OP who asked how in the world are thongs more comfortable?!?! that looks so incredibly uncomfortable, I cringe at the thought.....its like putting on a wedgie in the morning!

also, to say thongs are more tznius than seeing underwear lines - any skirt that requires a thong for "tznius purposes" is likely not tznius regardless of what underwear you are wearing!

OUCH - still trying to figure out how that can be more comfortable - please one of the above posters, clue me in.

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 7:35 pm

workingallthetime wrote:

um, im with the OP who asked how in the world are thongs more comfortable?!?! that looks so incredibly uncomfortable, I cringe at the thought.

OUCH - still trying to figure out how that can be more comfortable - please one of the above posters, clue me in.

me too...

taffy

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 7:51 pm

I find it worrisome that you went through your teens drawers. What a breach of boundaries! Unhealthy. Very unhealthy. I suggest you speak with a professional (a skilled therapist) so you can vent in therapy and leave your dd alone.
Violating a teen's boundaries (going into her personal space) is never a good idea![/code]

faigie

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 8:46 pm

I dont think it means that she is wearing them for someone else to see, she may simply like wearing them herself.
lord those things can pinch.
id let this one go, how long can she possibly tolerate wearing those things??