Frustrated with my DH - worst gift giver ever

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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amother

Purple

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 6:21 am

Yes, I know people will say I'm ungrateful and spoiled, and yes, I realize that some people are so poor they get nothing at all. But we are not. My husband is literally just the worst gift giver in the world, and it ruins my birthday every year. I am NOT asking for anything expensive. I am NOT asking for jewellery. I buy my "jewellery" at old navy. My husband just has real skill in nearly being offensive in his gift choices. I think I should be entitled to once in a while get a present (even small) from my husband that is something nice and that shows me put effort and thought into what I might appreciate.

I have explained to him that gifts should (at least sometimes) have some frivolity in them. Buy me something special that I might not buy myself. Buy me something that isn't a bloody necessity!

This year he presented me with a $100 gift certificate to an airline. I thought for a moment "oh wow...does he want me to take a small trip with a girlfriend? Or maybe go visit a relative or something nice?" and then he handed it over and said "So next time we book a family vacation, your ticket is partially paid for!".....We would've paid the money anyways. This literally is not a gift at all. We've never not gone on a trip we needed to take because of lack of money.

We needed a new blender and I mentioned getting a Vitamix or a Blendtec or something like that. I said "maybe for my birthday we can get a fancier model instead of just a regular blender". And then this morning, after giving me the airline gift certificate, he said "I thought this would be better than a blender!....". Why?... (And for the record, I know those blenders are very expensive, but my husband is the one who uses our blender 99% of the time - almost every day to make his breakfast - so I was more than willing to use my birthday gift to get something nice for him that I might also enjoy).

I honestly am so angry. This is not the first (even close) time he's made me so mad on my birthday. I spend weeks looking for the right things for him. And they're not crazy fancy, but they involve a lot of thought and research. He bought my "gift" the evening before my birthday.

I feel like buying him a grocery store gift card for his next birthday just to drive the point home. I am so angry that I spend so much time and effort to buy him things that will make him smile, and he never does the same for me. He tries to play it like it's such a great idea, because he knows I would never answer "no, I'm sorry, this wasn't a fabulous gift, what are you talking about?!"...

mummiedearest

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 6:25 am

maybe you should tell him that.

"so basically, rather than buying me a gift I would have enjoyed, you decided that our next trip (which we were going to take regardless of my birthday) was going to be my present? would you like to receive, say, a grocery gift card for your birthday? how about a few pounds of raw ground beef? no, I think I'll use this gift card to take a vacation with a friend. thanks for watching the kids for a few days. you could have just bought me a vitamix, which I said I would appreciate, but this is so much better!"

amother

Mustard

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 6:39 am

I'm sorry op that is hard. I have the same situation. My husband will offer me dinner or jewelry for my birthday and then buy me a fake real necklace that is hideous for $50. I've told him costume jewelry is nice at that price as long as it's not fake real. I've even told him I can show him pics of costume pieces I liked at a certain store but he wasn't interested. I told him Groupon deals on jewelry are insulting. And after spending time picking out several thoughtful chanuka presents for him I find out he ordered a fake bracelet on groupon for $35. I saw the pic. It's hideous. I told him I can't even pretend and he should try to cancel the order. So I get you. And I love the previous posters idea. You should use it for a vacation for you. And at very least, if that won't work give him the raw chopped meat for his next birthday. And please post the video of him unwrapping it here.

MiracleMama

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:03 am

There are worse gifts, but that is pretty lame. Especially when you made it so easy and already laid out for him what you wanted, which would be of more benefit to him than you anyway. Just bizarre. Sorry, OP. Talk to him. Mummiedearest's post is spot on I think.

SmileUrJewish

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:22 am

Your husband sounds like he's being practical to a fault. I went through this with my husband last Chanukah and just decided that I would rather give up the "surprise" factor in order to get something that actually makes me happy. So this year, we both made each other lists (sometimes with website links) of what we wanted. This actually helped both ways because I could get my husband something that he would think is practical, while I could choose a nice quality that he wouldn't have chosen for himself. We made the list enough ahead of Chanukah for me to not remember every detail of what I put on my list, and we wrapped our gifts to add a bit of surprise and fun back into it. I hope this helps!

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:26 am

Well it could always be worse?

My husband stopped buying me gifts years ago. Nothing for many years now (married 15 yrs) ...it's too much effort for him. Instead he just tells me to go shopping. Once in a while he gets me a card.

For the record, I usually put in effort and buy him a gift on his bday and father's day.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:30 am

My DH left the country for a few weeks. All I've gotten from him was an email, reminding me to keep an eye out for the electric bill!

I'm going out to a fancy dinner and a concert tonight. If he were home, he wouldn't go with me, because he doesn't like to socialize.

gibberish

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:35 am

Here's my advice:

Before next occasion, tell him what you'd like: "DH, my birthday is coming up and I'd really like a new ipad/book/watch. Can you please get it for my birthday?"

Some men just don't get it and you will have to state EXACTLY what you want (no hinting, they won't pick up the hint)

If he forgets, then go buy it yourself. "DH, thank you for the new ipad/book/watch. I really wanted it, so I just picked it up for my birthday gift."

This will get you a lot further and you won't feel resentful.

Zehava

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:36 am

Lol
Last year I got a bosch from him because he wants me to start baking cakes
This year nada
Expectations expectations
They ruin everything
Stop expecting his gifts
And next time you get a gift certificate to an airline you'll just laugh.

33055

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:49 am

Zehava wrote:

ITA

So DH is not a good gift giver. There are worse things.

I have gotten household things. At this point, I am happier with nothing rather than more junk.

juggling

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:54 am

gibberish wrote:

Yes, this. I would love to be romanced and surprised by dh thoughtfulness, but I'm better off letting go of that expectation. It's not something he's good at. Oh, well.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:55 am

I buy my own gifts and give them to my husband to give to me. I gave up. he has zero imagination.

zaq

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 7:58 am

I like the idea of buying him a grocery gift card for his next birthday. I also like the idea of using your airline certificate to take a short trip somewhere all by yourself.

amother

Gray

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 8:04 am

I totally get your frustration my dh is also lacking gift giving skills and it led to a lot of frustration. What works for us is I started a google doc with a list of gift ideas. If you feel he's really clueless andwriting 'weekday purse' isn't enough make it very specific with links to the exact item. For me this was a good compromise. I know I'm getting something I want but it feels better knowing he actually chose something from the list and bought it himself.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 8:19 am

That does sound pretty bad.

This year I bought a costume piece of jewelry, asked the store to wrap it and gave it to DH to give me. I've done it in the past and we are both happy.

When I was in the store I heard a husband coming in to buy a piece of jewelry, his wife had even clipped out the picture of what she wanted from the ad. it was painful to hear his shopping trip as they were helping him. I have a feeling he did not end up getting her what she wanted at all and she will be dissapointed even with her best efforts and planning.

glamourmom

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 8:25 am

zaq wrote:

I like the idea of buying him a grocery gift card for his next birthday. I also like the idea of using your airline certificate to take a short trip somewhere all by yourself.

this, to drive home the point. go on a trip by yourself using this airline gift card. you may as well make the best of it...

zaq

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 8:26 am

amother wrote:

I buy my own gifts and give them to my husband to give to me. I gave up. he has zero imagination.

The point of this is what?

amother

Orchid

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 9:05 am

I heard this years ago on a recording of a shalom bayis shiur regarding a choshuva rebetzin:

Every year she would buy herself a birthday present, wrap it up and give it to her husband to give to her.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 9:26 am

amother wrote:

who's being fooled here? because she's a heilige rebbetzin, I imagine she's thinking "my dh is too busy being a heiliger rov to waste time buying me gifts, but I know he really would if he could. So I'll buy the gift, he'll have the pleasure of handing it to me and watching me open it, and it'll be "kivyachol" that he bought it."

But heilige rebbetzins whose lives are written into books are not like you and me. I've heard of ordinary women doing this and IMHO it's utter nonsense. It's an exercise in a woman fooling herself. She gets the gift she really wants but none of the joy of knowing her dh was thinking of her and wanted to do s/t nice for her. Even if it's his money that paid for it, he didn't actually buy her a gift, did he? Does it make these women feel good to enact a charade? For whom?

I could see doing this once to teach dh a lesson (instead of griping to him why did he forget your bday) or to save face in front of your family because you're embarrassed to admit to them that your dh doesn't buy you gifts, but otherwise I'm at a loss to understand why anyone would do this. Somebody please explain.

Zehava

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 9:30 am

amother wrote:

And why do you feel the need to rain on everyone's parade? Why does it bother you if it makes them happy?
Whatever works
Lots of things that make us feel good are nonsense

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