Frustrated with my DH - worst gift giver ever

debsey

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 12:45 pm

zaq wrote:

The point of this is what?

The point of buying your own gift is that you get something you want, you don't feel dissapointed, and if DH is the sort who has no idea what you'd like, he doesn't feel pressured.

I send DH a link - here is exactly what you are buying me. Feel free to shop around and buy it from a cheaper retailer or whatever - don't buy something "similar." (as in, if I want a particular handbag from a particular designer, don't just buy my a similarly shaped gray handbag from Target. I want THAT bag. Or that pair of earrings, etc.)

See, my DH is totally the sort to buy me a blender, and I'd probably slug him for it, even if the intention was nice. "Here's a much more convenient blender, honey, so when you make us all breakfast, it should be easier for you." I don't want a blender. Or a Bosch. I don't even want a couch. I want a gift for ME. So I need to spell that out for him. It works for us!

amother

Orchid

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:25 pm

amother wrote:

who's being fooled here? because she's a heilige rebbetzin, I imagine she's thinking "my dh is too busy being a heiliger rov to waste time buying me gifts, but I know he really would if he could. So I'll buy the gift, he'll have the pleasure of handing it to me and watching me open it, and it'll be "kivyachol" that he bought it."

But heilige rebbetzins whose lives are written into books are not like you and me. I've heard of ordinary women doing this and IMHO it's utter nonsense. It's an exercise in a woman fooling herself. She gets the gift she really wants but none of the joy of knowing her dh was thinking of her and wanted to do s/t nice for her. Even if it's his money that paid for it, he didn't actually buy her a gift, did he? Does it make these women feel good to enact a charade? For whom?

I could see doing this once to teach dh a lesson (instead of griping to him why did he forget your bday) or to save face in front of your family because you're embarrassed to admit to them that your dh doesn't buy you gifts, but otherwise I'm at a loss to understand why anyone would do this. Somebody please explain.

It was actually said in the context of " My husband is hopelessly lost when it comes to buying gifts for me. So instead of stewing in resentment, I buy what I want and we are both happy.

Interestingly, I just "bought" my hubby a camera for a birthday present. He would not have been happy AT ALL (most probably, furious!) if I would have chosen this on my own, as he wanted an expensive camera with certain specific features. So he did research and decided which one he wanted. I wrapped it up and handed it to him on his birthday. Worked out great! I'm happy he truly got what he wanted and he is obviously happy with it..

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:28 pm

gibberish wrote:

Here's my advice:

Before next occasion, tell him what you'd like: "DH, my birthday is coming up and I'd really like a new ipad/book/watch. Can you please get it for my birthday?"

Some men just don't get it and you will have to state EXACTLY what you want (no hinting, they won't pick up the hint)

If he forgets, then go buy it yourself. "DH, thank you for the new ipad/book/watch. I really wanted it, so I just picked it up for my birthday gift."

This will get you a lot further and you won't feel resentful.

Don't bet on it. The following scenario plays itself out in my house year after year:

Me: Dh, for (fill in occasion) I would like you to get me a ___________ (fill in make, model, size, color if applicable.)

fast forward a few weeks. Dh hands me either:

a ___________ that is bigger, fancier, heavier, more complicated and harder to use than the make and model I specified; or

something else entirely unrelated to the item I asked for.

I asked for a small hand mixer for beating egg whites. Just a hand mixer because I have neither space to store a big stand number nor the strength to move such a thing around. Nor do I really need it for anything beyond beating egg whites. I got a Kitchenaid boat anchor that sits on the kitchen floor and trips me up every time I need to get something from that corner.

I asked for a Parker ballpoint pen to replace one that I loved and lost. Davka a Parker. Davka a ballpoint. I got a Mont Blanc fountain pen with a 14K gold nib. I hate fountain pens.

I asked for a small digital alarm clock with big LED numbers so I can see them in the dark without my glasses. Just. an. alarm. clock, and small so it doesn't take up much space on the dresser. I got a radio/CD player (no clock) the size of a small doghouse.

I asked for a winter scarf, the kind that's about 8 inches wide and six feet long that you throw around your neck over your coat to keep the wind out. I got a late-model smartphone. I can spend a week's salary on Amazon Prime during my morning commute, but my neck is still cold.

Now Dh is an otherwise intelligent man and reasonably thoughtful as dhs go. he can follow directions on how to assemble a computer or Ikea bookcase. he doesn't suffer from any sort of processing disorder, language difficulty, dementia, attention deficit, hearing loss or any other condition that might account for his apparent inability to carry out a simply stated purchasing mission. I believe my requests are reasonably clear, specific, measurable , and doable. I'm not asking for things that don't exist or can be acquired only in a tiny village at the bottom of a precipitous gorge in the heart of the Amazon jungle.

But do you see the pattern? I ask for simple things that are useful and not very expensive. Dh goes for impressive. To H*** with what I want. I obviously don't know what's good. I obviously don't know what I want. Dh knows better.

That's when I go out and buy myself exactly what I want. Dh "gifts" collect dust for a few years before I give them to one of the kids or to Goodwill. I'd rather he didn't buy me anything at all and just gave me a card, because while he's spending money, he's not showing any kind of caring about ME. It's all about him and looking generous.I gave him the Love Languages book and explained to him what my main love language is. Hint: It's not money. I have told him only about forty times that spending money doesn't impress me. Listening and doing what I ask impresses me.

I may as well save my breath to dry my nails because the message doesn't sink in. Ever. I'm considering asking a psychologist if this is some sort of bona fide mental disorder because that's the only explanation I can think of.

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:32 pm

[quote="amother"]Don't bet on it. The following scenario plays itself out in my house year after year:

Me: Dh, for (fill in occasion) I would like you to get me a ___________ (fill in make, model, size, color if applicable.)

fast forward a few weeks. Dh hands me either:

a ___________ that is bigger, fancier, heavier, more complicated and harder to use than the make and model I specified; or

something else entirely unrelated to the item I asked for.

I asked for a small hand mixer for beating egg whites. Just a hand mixer because I have neither space to store a big stand number nor the strength to move such a thing around. Nor do I really need it for anything beyond beating egg whites. I got a Kitchenaid boat anchor that sits on the kitchen floor and trips me up every time I need to get something from that corner.

I asked for a Parker ballpoint pen to replace one that I loved and lost. Davka a Parker. Davka a ballpoint. I got a Mont Blanc fountain pen with a 14K gold nib. I hate fountain pens.

I asked for a small digital alarm clock with big LED numbers so I can see them in the dark without my glasses. Just. an. alarm. clock, and small so it doesn't take up much space on the dresser. I got a radio/CD player (no clock) the size of a small doghouse.

I asked for a winter scarf, the kind that's about 8 inches wide and six feet long that you throw around your neck over your coat to keep the wind out. I got a late-model smartphone. I can spend a week's salary on Amazon Prime during my morning commute, but my neck is still cold.

I don't mean to be rude, but I am laughing!

essie14

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:37 pm

Before we even got married my DH told me he's a terrible gift giver.
My DH thinks of me every single day. He takes out the garbage, washes the dishes, takes care of the kids, helps with laundry & cooking, sweeps the kitchen after supper -- literally anything he can do to help me and make our household run smoothly. I do not need him to aimlessly walk through the mall trying to find a present which I most likely will dislike just to have him prove his love for me. He will either go shopping with me and tell me to pick out my birthday gift or he will ask me what I specifically want.
I don't get angry or upset - I don't want or need junk just be "surprised".
I have zero problems with this.

I never really liked getting gifts much all throughout my life, except from some close friends who are really good gift givers and who know me really well. Even my own mother has hardly ever given me a gift I really wanted -- except when I once verbalized that I was going to buy myself a down comforter at the beginning of a winter - so she said "I would like to buy that for you". It still wasn't a surprise but at least I got something I wanted. Otherwise she buys me costume jewelry which I won't wear or an ugly scarf because her taste is the complete opposite of mine.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:39 pm

amother wrote:

I may as well save my breath to dry my nails because the message doesn't sink in. Ever. I'm considering asking a psychologist if this is some sort of bona fide mental disorder because that's the only explanation I can think of.

Off topic but this is actually something I've been discussing with my husband and with our therapists. He recently had a "break through" in understanding why he can't buy me normal gifts and why he'll buy things that are seemingly just to be yotzei. It doesn't really make so much sense to me but try to follow. Maybe it will help you understand.

Apparently my husband has no self esteem and feels like he needs to be loved unconditionally. Buying me gifts to make me happy would make him feel like I only love him because he bought me gifts and not because he's him and it's no longer unconditional.

Mind boggling, I know. I do a lot for him. Maybe he doesn't love me unconditionally? Who knows. I don't think spouses have to love each other unconditionally. I also don't think the love has anything to do with presents. But for now I'm getting my $35 brass and fake diamond (he's excited that it's more than 1 carat of diamonds total he's convinced they are real) bracelet from groupon. Thank God he has other redeeming qualities lol

debsey

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:45 pm

amother wrote:

I'm hardly a helige rebbetzin, but I'm well aware that my husband (not being a heilige rav) does not have ruach hakodesh and cannot read my mind. He just simply does not get it. He doesn't know why THIS pair of earrings is perfect and will go with half the things I have, but THAT similar pair is hideous and I would never wear it. He doesn't understand my desires at all, but he very much wants to make me happy.

If I would let him buy me a present he'd do this - 10 years ago, I wanted a particular handbag from a particular designer. Let's say I wanted a wine-colored Coach messenger bag, because it coordinated with my clothing at the time and it was the right shape and look for my needs. If I would let him buy me presents without my input, I'd still be getting wine colored Coach messenger bags. And I don't want one anymore! (the one I have is still in perfect condition, it just doesn't meet my needs anymore)

So I send him a link. And he buys it for me. And shalom al yisroel! I'm happy, he has no anxiety about disappointing me, I feel loved and appreciated. I'm all for communication, since we're not mindreaders. It would be lovely to be married to a heilige rav with ruach hakodesh and the unlimited budget to buy me a present that's exactly my taste.....but that's not real life.

glamourmom

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 1:59 pm

[quote="amother"]

amother wrote:

amother

Ruby

Wed, Dec 28 2016, 3:16 pm

amother wrote:

So why not buy it, wear and tell dh thanks for this gift! Why the charade of having him give it to you?

It makes him feel good. LOL

And so he doesn't buy me something else I don't need.

This was the actual conversation I heard in a costume jewelry store this week:

Man: My wife gave me this picture from a magazine. She said I should buy it here.
Saleslady: Great - I'll wrap it up for you.
Man: Its a great weekday necklace, right?
Saleslady: I don't think you can wear this for during the week. What do you ladies think?
All other Saleslady: No, you can't wear that during the week.
Man: Why would she want to wear this when she has a $1200 necklace I bough her. She must have not realized. Show me something else in stead.

All I could think is that poor women - if she would have just bought it and given it to him she would actually get what she wanted.