How can I understand my emotions?

sourstix

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 4:25 pm

I'm not sure how to explain this. I sometimes get insulted and don't realize it in time to be able to deal with it constructively. It interferes in so many of my incidents with family members. It hurts peop,e tremendously.

Can someone tell me how you have successfully overcome such a weird issue? Am I the only one? I want to get rid of it. I hate it that much I'm willing to embarrass myself to get help. Please help if you have experience with this and what you did. Thank you so much.

What are the messages in a human brain when they are insulted? I'm clueless can't you tell? I'm embarrassed but want help. Real concrete help. Please don't criticize I'm sensitive. 😌

RedCurls

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 4:35 pm

I think I know what you're talking about and that I experience something similar. It's like I feel before my brain catches up and I understand what or why I am feeling, 0or I don't want to feel hurt by something but I am. Ive learned that the only way to move forward is by giving myself empathy and owning my feelings. I will say to myself I am feeling pain right now and I won't reject that but allow myself to feel it and process it and I know that in time I will understand it. By owning my feelings, my feelings don't own me and because I allow myself to feel hurt and don't judge myself for being overly sensitive, I can usually process them successfully and go forward from there whether it is talking to the other person from a calm and non confrontational place or letting it go. Does that help?

doctorima

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 5:08 pm

Is it only insults that you don't feel in real time, or other emotions as well? There are some people who just aren't in such direct touch with their emotions, and only discover what they were feeling after the fact when their brains feel safe enough to process the episode. I've heard people say that practicing meditation and mindfulness can help with getting more in touch with what you're feeling in the moment in real time.

seeker

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 5:48 pm

I think I hear what you mean. I second the suggestion to practice mindfulness. Also try spending some time reviewing the episode after the fact to help you become more aware of what's going on and possibly catch it earlier next time.

It can take a long time to see any results with something like this where your responses are an automatic habit already, but I think sticking with it helps.

Assuming that you are talking about getting defensive (that's my own translation, am I wrong?) in response to your last question - early "signals" can include bodily tension, shallow breathing, quickening pulse - anxiety type reactions. Something deep inside you is feeling attacked. When you notice this, that can be your signal to stop and proceed with whatever recovery strategy you've decided on.

imasinger

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 7:44 pm

For me, therapy was helpful in learning to recognize what anger feels like, and why I had gotten to the point that I repressed it in the moment.

Then came a lot of reading, and learning how to respond both constructively and in a reasonably timely way to hurtful behavior.

It doesn't have to be right away, though it can be helpful to reach that point.

But, at least as often, it's more helpful to cool down a bit first, and then contact the family member and ask them what they meant in that moment. By asking, you can either clear up a misunderstanding, or have a second chance to voice your forceful reaction.

sourstix

Sun, Jan 01 2017, 8:27 pm

So here's an example. Ds said to me today " you should not have taken me today to do glass fusion" I don't like it. And now I'm bored, I have nothing to do. With tears in his eyes. And so so upset that it became a tantrum. (Never mind I was supposed to use this money to get myself underwear) This was a huge drama. I didn't trealize till much much later that I was so insulted from him.

He wouldn't appreciate it. And that's where I couldn't be straight and cool.I did try to say I have no idea what else you can do. He's a big kid. Doesn't need help with that.

He got out of hand and I sent him to his room. But that didn't work. He said he would be ok. He wasn't. He rfused to listen to what I had to say. I realize now that it happened so fast. It got out of control so fast.

Why did I get insulted from him? I can't understand that for the life of me.

I'm embarrassed to say I get insulted from him.
How can I avoid that?

imasinger

Mon, Jan 02 2017, 12:29 am

I wonder if the feelings of getting insulted happened when he spoke to you as if he were the parent, and you were the child.

"You should have taken me... it's your fault that I'm bored."

The inner child in you may have responded as if it were a critical parent speaking; with hurt and defensiveness. "That's not fair... What else do you expect me to do?"

Now, everyone and everything is all mixed up; you're the parent with the ability to say no and send him to his room, and also, the hurt child who wants him to see reason. You're confused. He's confused. He senses that he actually has the power to decide whether you should spend your own gift money on him, or on you. And yet, he doesn't. He also senses that his irritation is now a problem that he has successfully given to you; that it has become your business to make him calm and happy, caring whether or not "he said he would be okay." What to do?

As you learn to recognize your intense reactions, you can walk away, and give yourself space to think things through with the mature and analytical part of the brain. "DS is upset and bored. That's his problem, not mine. I can validate the feelings and suggest activities, but I am not responsible for solving his boredom. I think I will calmly give him 3 activity choices that I can think of, and maybe include a chore that I will assign if he is unable to figure out what to do on his own. If he tries to push my buttons by speaking to me in a way that is chutzpadik, I will calmly tell him that in this house, we don't speak like that to parents, and walk away. I know better than to try to justify myself to a bored and resentful child. And I will recognize that it is OK for him to be annoyed that he doesn't get his way. His feelings are his own business, but when he is rude to me, that's my business."

Rather than deciding that you'll never take him to glass fusing again, which sounds a bit vengeful, maybe you'd be better off formulating a way for him to earn the privilege and the cost. He can do chores and earn reward points. That way, everyone wins.

There are self help books you can read to help you understand more about this kind of thing. Therapy can also be extremely helpful.

sourstix

Mon, Jan 02 2017, 4:28 am

Imasinger thanks for the in depth explanation. I have tried therapy and have not gone far. Maybe it's time to try again. I don't have a real connection close enough to the time when I experience these episodes. This child has more issues then I can share in public. It's me that I am doing things wrong. But the issues this child has is just making it more complicated.

I am going to see a therapist with this child and maybe I this will get some help in a round about way. Maybe I should start myself too.

But back to the sentence of why he was tantrum I got, I don't know if I can say why. That's what children do.

Anyone knows how mindfulness can help here? Can you share how?

Any good books that help in this area? Can you suggest any please? Any that worked?

amother4

Mon, Jan 02 2017, 2:07 pm

I have experienced something similar to what I understood from your post. I often found it hard to bring myself forward in a relationship. When I was hurt from others I would withdraw instead of openly talking about what bothered me. I often did not realize what bothered me until later. I felt some sort of gap between my emotional experience and mental awareness.

Lately I went to a homeopath and the homeopathic remedy he gave me really made a big difference to me.

In the past I often felt I had to intellectually analyze my interactions and then see what I felt bad about and why. Now it springs forward on its own. My body, my soul, my feelings rise to the surface.

In your example: intellectualizing would be why do I feel bad? Maybe it was this specific activity? Maybe it's his issue? Why did he have a tantrum? What is coming from me? Am I exaggerating?
Feeling would be: This feeling jumps up inside that says I need to be spoken to respectfully. I feel bad that my child is acting so entitled. Without too much agonizing I would say something like, "You can't talk like that to Mommy. I understand you're upset about this thing and when you calm down we can talk about it". Then I give myself some attention because I feel bad I spent money and time and effort on something he did not enjoy when that was the whole goal. I would say/think I'm feeling bad I spent so much time, effort, money etc. on this and it was not appreciated. I meant good. It's okay to feel disappointed and embrace that feeling and just feel it. And accept it.

I think sometimes the issue is deep-rooted, more than what therapy can help with. For me this homeopathic remedy has been a very big yeshua with something I have struggled with for a long time. And when I saw how fast it helped I was awed and overwhelmed because I realized how much was beyond my control. I could not stop thanking Hashem. Hashem has His ways of helping you. He can heal you even when you don't know what is bothering you. May Hashem grant you a yeshua and clarity, understanding and sensitivity for yourself and then for others.