discipline and following through question

amother

Salmon

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 5:21 pm

my 4 year old DD is a very feisty kid and gets upset easily and gets carried away.
we are working on controlling ourselves while we are upset-
so today she was very upset abt who knows what (she was prob starving) and was hitting all of her siblings and me.
I was calm and kept telling her to stop and said if she doesn't stop and walk away she can't have X later. (I think I said screen time )
she finally stopped (prob 1 minute after I said that) and walked to her room and came back about 5 minutes later and hugged and apologized to all of us, which I was very happy about..

my question is do I still not not let her do X later which was the punishment and that would be following through? or just forget about it bc its over,bc she stopped, and apologized?

little_mage

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 7:48 pm

The problem with what you said, in my opinion, is that you didn't give a time limit by when she had to stop. I'd probably let it go this time, and try to be more precise next time. For example, say if you don't stop right now, x will happen, as opposed to if you don't stop, x will happen.

salt

Thu, Jan 05 2017, 6:02 am

amother wrote:

I would keep her away from sugar and also make sure she gets a balanced diet of food and social skills can help her learning to be assertive

All that as a consequential punishment?
You are not answering OPs question at all.

5*Mom

Thu, Jan 05 2017, 6:28 am

amother wrote:

That is fantastic for a 4 yr old! I'd compliment her on her self-control and her ability to calm herself down by taking some time in her room. And then she took responsibility and apologized afterwards! This is exactly what you want her to do next time, so point out how well she did this time. You can still bring it up even if you missed the moment by saying, "You know, I was thinking about what happened yesterday and I wanted to tell you that I'm so impressed by how you..."

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jan 05 2017, 8:12 am

little_mage wrote:

op here
ya I totally agree- thats why I was stuck with what to do

so lets say this scenario happens to you- and the 4 year old keeps on doing that bad behavior- even while you are saying 'if you don't stop right now you wont get X later" and she finally listens and dramatically hugs and kisses everyone and apologizes about 3 minutes later-
then what do you do??

my daughter often listens eventually, so what am I really trying to teach her in that moment? to listen right away or to stop doing that behavior?
I want to work on following through with my consequences, (which is usually their 15 minutes of screen time) but it's often not right then and the time frame doesn't make sense to the little ones.

imasinger

Thu, Jan 05 2017, 8:50 am

I'd suggest changing the consequence to a brief timeout.

No more than 1 minute per age, though I do half of that. Immediate compliance, or she'll have to do a second one for not listening.

Failure to go to timeout (which should be in a public and boring place) means serious consequences -- loss of screen time for a week -- but once the timeout is over, she is praised and hugged for compliance, and no further consequences.

amother

Oak

Thu, Jan 05 2017, 10:36 am

You have to pick a time frame that is "listening immediately". A four year can't stop a behavior immediately. They dot process quick enough. So you have to see/ figure out how long a time frame to give her to comply which counts as "immediate"
Idk if I'm making sense, but if she is jumping in the bed and you say stop she need 30 sec at least to hear/process/ figure out what you are saying and decide to implement it

Last edited by amother on Mon, Feb 12 2018, 12:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

5*Mom

Thu, Jan 05 2017, 10:49 am

amother wrote:

I wouldn't say, "if you don't stop right now you won't get X later" in the first place. In your op you said she was upset about something, you dismissed it as irrelevant and in parentheses you wrote she was starving. That's not irrelevant! You cannot discipline a 4 yr old when she is starving. You can calmly guide her and help her regulate until her food is ready, because the reality is that sometimes we can't have their food ready on demand and we do the best we can, but punishment or consequences or whatever you want to call it is just not called for here. Patience and understanding of her situation is more appropriate.

little_mage

Fri, Jan 06 2017, 6:28 am

First of all, I really try to make consequences immediate. Otherwise though, I'd probably stick with it. Like another poster said, I would compliment her on doing going to her room and calming down, but if I'd given a time limit that wasn't met (or at least not an effort) I would still stick with what I said. However, if I see that I kid is making a real effort to comply, even if they aren't succeeding, if it's obvious to me that they're trying, that counts in my book.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Jan 06 2017, 7:43 am

With my almost 4 year old, I usually say "if you can't stop by the time I count to 10 (or 20), then your consequence will be 'x'." This way, she knows when she has to stop by. Also, consequences should be immediate, if possible.

amother

Beige

Fri, Jan 06 2017, 9:15 am

I would not give your dd options when she is hitting. First I would intervene and separate and make sure the hit child is ok. I would then quickly move the hitting child away from her siblings/ friend and escort her to a quiet place for a time out.
Then I would say en route to the tantruming child "No, you do not hit and now you are punished and will sit here until I say you can come back"

After 4-6 minutes, I would go back to the time out spot and tell them that what they did was wrong and that they must apologize. Or better yet, ask the child "Why are you being punished?"

Time out should not be a fun spot. For us it was near a wall in the dining area that had nothing around it of interest to a child. No toy , no pillow nothing of comfort or interest. I could still keep a watchful eye because the kitchen was in viewing distance.

Also, I did not call the time out area 'time out" I tell the child that she is being punished but go no further than that. I am stern, serious and not smiling or understanding. But I am not yelling or raving and am only addressing the misbehaviour not the character of the child

Ahuva

Fri, Jan 06 2017, 9:56 am

Discipline is not about asserting authority. The point of discipline is to teach children the trait of self discipline and self control, and to respond in a peaceful and respectful mannor. You achieved that. No consequence necessary.
You are doing a fantastic job. For a 4 yr old to respond in such a way is amazing.

Laiya

Fri, Jan 06 2017, 10:23 am

imasinger wrote:

I'd suggest changing the consequence to a brief timeout.

No more than 1 minute per age, though I do half of that. Immediate compliance, or she'll have to do a second one for not listening.

This.

I don't think a 4 yo has the impulse control or planning skills for non-very immediate consequences to work.

Also, I thought it's interesting you mentioned she hits and she hugs.

One of my kids is very much like this, and I think she's very sensory-seeking. So sometimes, it seems counter-intuitive but when she hits me I just hug her and she calms down quickly (and tells me she loves me Smile

Iow, we think of hitting as a bad behavior that needs to be stopped, but it could be when she has overwhelming feelings she starts craving physical touch.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Jan 06 2017, 2:15 pm

op here-
Also, I thought it's interesting you mentioned she hits and she hugs.

One of my kids is very much like this, and I think she's very sensory-seeking. So sometimes, it seems counter-intuitive but when she hits me I just hug her and she calms down quickly (and tells me she loves me Smile

Iow, we think of hitting as a bad behavior that needs to be stopped, but it could be when she has overwhelming feelings she starts craving physical touch.[/quote]

yes! thats so interesting! she is very touchy always hugging and kissing us and asking for back rubs and chills which I find so interesting, bc my other children are the exact opposite as am I .
I will keep that in mind next time I see shes hitting- thanks for pointing that out!