Does name really affect child?

amother

Mint

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 9:47 am

I see so many people here asking questions about naming children.
There's a little girl in my family named after someone I knew as not a nice person (I'd rather not elaborate). As she's growing up, she's her parents' most challenging child. Defiant. Aggressive. Difficult. Her parents are wonderful people and have arranged different types of intervention for her at different stages. She still has difficulties socially (for obvious reasons), and gives her parents and siblings a hard time. The mother has mentioned well meaning individuals suggesting therapy as they don't know the child is already getting that.
Is there really a source for a child being influenced by the person they're named after?
I've heard people say different things about this. I've even heard people say boys are influenced by the person who holds them at the Bris.
Is there any real truth behind it?

penguin

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 10:07 am

I just heard this story from Rabbi YY Jacobson.

Knock on the Rov's door in the middle of the night.
Rov: How can I help you?
Husband: Rebbe, we're making a bris tomorrow, and we can't agree on the name.
Rov: Okay, what are the choices.
Husb: Well, I want to name after my father, and my wife wants to name after her father.
Rov: And what were their names?
Husb: Moshe.
Rov: And?
Wife: Moshe.
Wife: My father was a talmid chochom, a baal chesed, a baal middos. My husband's father was a terrible person, nobody had anything good to say about him. At his funeral the Rov said we can't bury him until someone finds something nice to say. After a few hours a man got up and said, 'I have something to say'. Rov: 'it must be something positive.' Man: 'Yes. He wasn't as bad as his brother.' Bekitzer I will never agree to name my child after my husband's father.
Rov: - give me a few minutes.
They go out to the waiting room and soon he calls them in.
Rov: You will name him Moshe.
Husband: After whom?
Rov: Ah. When he grows up you'll find out!

smilealot

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 10:11 am

My brother and 2 cousins are all named the same. They are named after my great uncle who was the calmest, most gentle guy.
All 3 people named after him are so very wild!
Same thing with my grandfather, he was so calm, everyone named after him seems to have loads of energy...

amother

Brown

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 10:16 am

No, the name and the sandek don't affect the child. How the parents feel towards the child has a huge effect. So if every time they say the child's name, they think warm thoughts, that's going to come through, and vice versa.

I say this having named my children for grandparents and having chosen talmidei chachamim as sandek. These are lovely customs, but that's all they are. No need to add stress to the lives of new parents.

flowerpower

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:01 am

I believe there is something to it. I wouldn't not name a child after a grandparent because it's a close relation but if I had a choice of 2 names I'd name after the better natured one.

amother

Teal

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:10 am

MiracleMama wrote:

The two children I named for my grandparents are EXACTLY like my grandparents. This is proof of nothing, just my personal experience.

Only one of my children is named after a grandfather I actually knew well. The rest of the names were for people who died before me or DH were born.
This kid is so like my grandfather it's scary.
Up to the cleft in his chin which none of my other kid's have and my grandfather had.
Tremendous baal koreh as was my grandfather.
And I could go on and on.
I would never name a child for a person who had a hard life or difficult personality traits.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:12 am

Dh has a close family member he refuses to give a name after. Bec this person had such bad midos but also went through the war. Dh didn't see this relative past a young age and remembers very little it's just what he heard from others. That's how far it can go. He had no real relationship with this relative and yet he feels that the negative outweighs the good.

Isn't this sad? Anyway just trying to bring the ut a point that people want positive things associated with their child's name. Whatever happens later on, is not in our control.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:12 am

My daughter is named after my great grandmother, and also after Rivka Imenu (DD is adopted).

By the time she was two, she was always making sure that the dog's water dish was full, and if I was hard at work on the computer, she would randomly bring me a glass of water - all without having to be asked.

By the time she was 3, she seemed very wise beyond her years, and everyone commented on how mature she was.

My great grandmother was a tzadekes, constantly taking care of others less fortunate.

There's got to be something to it! Very Happy

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:18 am

We honor departed relatives by sharing their names with the next generation. That's it. I never heard (until Imamother) the notion that the name influences the child's personality in a real way, and I don't believe it.

gold21

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:20 am

amother wrote:

In terms of naming after someone who had a difficult personality, I totally agree with you, and would not choose to name after a difficult person.

In terms of naming after someone who had a hard life.... Unfortunately, many, if not most, people from our grandparents and great grandparents generation, had challenges in their lives. So that gets tricky. The rule of thumb is usually, did the person live a reasonably long life and have children. To nitpick the challenges that people from the Holocaust era dealt with, can get a little tricky, in my opinion...

amother

Smokey

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:30 am

cm wrote:

I agree. I also think there's some confirmation bias at work- we see what we want or expect to see. I see certain aspects of different departed loved ones in all of my children, but of course I notice trait x more in the child named after the person who was x and trait y in the one named after the person who was y. There is a relative I won't name after ever because I couldn't stand them. Not because I think a child named after them will take on those traits, but simply because I don't want to be reminded of someone I couldn't stand every time I say my kid's name.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:40 am

I have two very close relatives who were both named after the same person. Each of these relatives died tragically young after being terribly sick.

We recently found the grave of the grandparent they are named after. We were shocked to discover that this grandparent also lived a very short tragic life.

amother

Copper

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 11:58 am

Both of my children are named for grandparents that had difficult lives and personalities. I hope nothing will come form the name connection that is spoken of here. We asked a rav for bother names and added a name to each.

sheifelah

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:02 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

So interesting that she's named after Rivka imeinu and she was making sure no one would be thirsty. ..

amother

Mint

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:11 pm

amother wrote:

OP here.
I understand what you said.
Just wanted to add about the child in my original post that one of her parents didn't know the person she was named after at all. The other parent did know her, but not as well as I did, so is probably not having unpleasant thoughts or memories hearing or saying the name.
I am finding the responses interesting!
Thanks!

amother

Cyan

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:12 pm

My mother passed away at a young age after a battle with cancer. Also my personality clashed with hers through the years and I dont have all the best memories of her... but she was my mother...and she did have many good and nice traits.
When my daughter was born I was hesitent with giving her my mothers name.. I thought it better to maybe add a name... my husband asked the Gerrer Rebbe what we should do. The answer was that mazal of the deciced person doesnt follow on to the next generation named for them. I can use my mothers nane without adding a name

We gave my daughter my mothers name. (It also helped me that my mother wasnt called by her given name but I use that name for my daughter)
BH my daughter is the sweetest most gentle and thoughtful child. I am truly blessed by her BH

gold21

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:23 pm

gold21 wrote:

By the way, when I say "reasonably long life", I believe the marker for that is age 60. Or age 70. I'm not sure. But I think it's age 60.

As for "children", it could also be "child"- that the person should have left Doros behind him.

That's what I was told.

Last edited by gold21 on Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:39 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 12:38 pm

My grandmother passed away last week. She was a real difficult person. I am due soon iyh and will probably give her name. I am a bit nervous. I know I have no choice though.