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Dysfunctional/Abusive Families Vs Healthy Families
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Poll

Is there dysfunction/abuse in your family?
I grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive family and am not sure about my current situation, it may or may not be healthy
 13%  [ 25 ]
I grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive family and am currently in one myself
 5%  [ 11 ]
I grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive family and am divorced after leaving a dysfunctional/abusive marriage
 3%  [ 7 ]
I grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive family and am in a healthy marriage today
 26%  [ 50 ]
I did not grow up in a dysfunctional/abusive family but am in one now
 3%  [ 7 ]
I did not grow up in a dysfunctional/abusive family but am divorced b/c of an abusive/dysfunctional marriage
 2%  [ 4 ]
I did not grow up in a dysfunctional/abusive family and am in a healthy relationship today
 39%  [ 73 ]
I do not know or understand what a healthy relationship/family looks like
 4%  [ 9 ]
Total Votes : 186


amother




Puce


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 9:49 am
There are so many threads on imamother about dysfunctional/abusive families. From those who grew up with dysfunction/abuse to those that are or were in abusive/dysfunctional marriages, to those who are not quite sure if they are in a dysfunctional/abusive relationship or not. I started wondering if there is more abusive/dysfunctional families than healthy families within the Jewish communities. Please feel free to explain your answer. (this poll is not being conducted for a research study or for a paper, etc).
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Luvme









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 9:52 am
According to jwa the statistics in the charedi community is higher.
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amother




Purple


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 9:59 am
I grew up in a family with lots of difficulties. I wouldn't say it was dysfunctional but my mother was a very difficult person (according to a few of us siblings' therapists, she probably had BPD) and my parents marriage was both loving and complicated. My father bent over backwards, my mother was frequently in bad moods and explosive. As a teen I did 90% of the housework, cooking, laundry, etc....The house ran as well as the job the oldest single teen was doing at the time. My father made a decent parnassah but much of it was mismanaged by my mother, so our needs were often not met. Plus we had a large family as my mother did not believe in BC.

DH grew up in a house that was much more dysfunctional - abusive father, mother who tried but was often depressed, lack of funds, FIL went from job to job, etc....

The early years of our marriage were really tough, but with lots of professional help and determination, we've been in a pretty healthy place for quite a few years B"H. Our kids B"H have grown up in a much more functional, healthy home than we did. When anything tough comes up we seek guidance to resolve issues rather than let them build up and fester. We have a loving respectful relationship.

I really feel that anyone who grew up in a tough home can build a healthy marriage/home with determination and guidance. B"H there are so many resources available today, much more than in my parents' day.
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 10:00 am
It has to be.
There is so much pressure in the frum world.
Between having large familys
Frum need so much more money than the average american [gentile]..
Between shabbos expences yom tov expences tuitions clothing bar mitzvas weddings the list can go on and on...
And between both parents working full time plus overtime some more than one job ... having to keep house and having a child a year and keeping face to the world that everything in perfect....
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amother




Crimson


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 10:09 am
I'm not sure how to reply. My parents had a great relationship and showed a lot of love and respect for each other. I was verbally and physically abused by my parents. In our home it's opposite. We are both very loving with our kids but definitely somewhat verbally abusive of each other. Not sure there is a connection.
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amother




Saddlebrown


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 10:14 am
An interesting observation. In truth, the reason you might think that there are higher rates of dysfunction, is because Imamother threads are much more likely to be calls for help than of the "I have an amazing life" genre. I live in a frum community that is well integrated within a much larger non-Jewish community. I have taught at heimishe school alongside non-Jewish professionals and their observation has always been that our community is actually a decidedly healthy one.

Someone mentioned the stresses of living a frum life. That is considerably offset by the massive integrated support system within the community. If I am about to be evicted, someone will step in to help out. If someone is sick, everyone rallies around. There is a tremendous strength in our communal structure that is becoming increasingly rarer in general society.

Many of my non-Jewish neighbors have told me that when they have given birth, the only people who showed up at their doorstep bearing food, were their frum neighbors. Many of them call Hatzoloh before they dial 911. A lot of what we take for granted is a rarity in urban societies.

We have our share of abusers, victims and psychopaths. In our local community there are some dysfunctional families. The schools invest incredible resources in trying to help the children from these homes. The vast majority of parents I know are loving, devoted and fantastic people.
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mommy3b2c









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 10:16 am
Unfortunately there is plenty of abuse /dysfunction in the frum world.

Unfortunately there is plenty of abuse/dysfunction in the non frum world.

There is absolutely no correlation , even if imamother attracts a lot of dysfunctional people.

I've worked in many non jewish schools. There was barely even one child that was coming from a typical family situation. Still, I am not about to make some blanket statement that most non jewish families are dysfunctional.
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ectomorph









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 10:30 am
amother wrote:
There are so many threads on imamother about dysfunctional/abusive families. From those who grew up with dysfunction/abuse to those that are or were in abusive/dysfunctional marriages, to those who are not quite sure if they are in a dysfunctional/abusive relationship or not. I started wondering if there is more abuse and dysfunctional families within the Jewish communities than healthy families. Please feel free to explain your answer. (this poll is not being conducted for a research study or for a paper, etc).
Tolstoy said it best: happy families are all alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way
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amother




Coral


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 10:54 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
Unfortunately there is plenty of abuse /dysfunction in the frum world.

Unfortunately there is plenty of abuse/dysfunction in the non frum world.

There is absolutely no correlation , even if imamother attracts a lot of dysfunctional people.

I've worked in many non jewish schools. There was barely even one child that was coming from a typical family situation. Still, I am not about to make some blanket statement that most non jewish families are dysfunctional.

Op didn't ask about the non-Jewish world, she wants to know if the rate of dysfunctional/abusive families is higher than the rate of healthy families in the Jewish communities. What happens in the outside world is irrelevant.

That said, for those who are saying that they grew up in healthy families and/or are currently in healthy families/relationships, perhaps you can explain what you consider healthy to be like so that we can understand the difference bw dysfunctional/abusive and healthy.
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LittleDucky









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 11:51 am
What is healthy anyways? If we all look hard enough there are things we don't like, every couple fights or has money issues or parenting issues...
What are your definitions?
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Iymnok









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 12:05 pm
I voted healthy but for sure there were dysfunctional aspects. My parents were/are ignorant of certain aspects of normal interpersonal interactions, sympathy. Empathy, how to nurture, etc.
But for the most part I had a happy childhood. No physical or emotional abuse. But due to their lack of knowledge in building sustainable relationships, I don't have a strong relationship with them nor all my siblings.
They still think it's all fine.

Obviously that creates difficulty in my marriage and parenting, but not totally dysfunctional or abusive at all.
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heidi









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 12:27 pm
Healthy for the most part. No abuse and my parents really like and love each other.
I have a sister who doesn't speak to me. Also, all of us siblings are closer to our parents than we are to each other.
So maybe we're enmeshed?
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tichellady









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 1:24 pm
I have no idea of the statistics.I think families with parents/grandparents that are holocaust survivors have their own special challenges as well.

Both my husband and I come from pretty functional families- with no abuse and lots of love but there are still plenty of issues, but I think all families have issues. My family doesn't have great communication skills but there isn't lots of yelling- more like forgetting to share important things with each other and then over sharing other things . I think my mothers family was pretty dysfunctional with lots of yelling.

My husbands family is much more private than mine and sometimes that feels awkward to me but it's really just a different style
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 1:42 pm
I grew up in a Warm loving home. Could not have been happier or more stable. Can't say the same of my ex husband's family. They were totally dysfunctional. He perpetuated the dysfunction in our marriage causing our divorce. I am trying my best to provide a warm stable home for my children as best as a single mom could provide.
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Greta









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 2:02 pm
I grew up in an abusive home across the board.I am talking for myself here I have a great strong marriage we are bh always on the same page at least in front of the kids.However the abuse always catches up with you it haunts you and overtakes your life sometimes,you just need to know how to come out stronger and never repeat.......If there is a will to have a good marriage there is a way.I am extremely lucky my husband came from a solid healthy home.
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amother




Gold


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 2:46 pm
I grew up in an abusive home.

I don't think there's more abuse in the frum world, however, in the frum world there's a lot more cover-up and shoving-under-the rug. Also denial. And the fact that Kibbud AV V'Em is often used as a tool, the children too often get the flak instead of the abusers Sad

Not only does our world turn a blind eye, but because of that the chain of abuse can continue.

And abused children oftentimes don't get the help they need because of all this stuff.
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amother




Indigo


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 3:14 pm
I think because of the stigma of it people talk about it less and people divorce less but it still happens too much.
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 5:36 pm
Iymnok wrote:
I voted healthy but for sure there were dysfunctional aspects. My parents were/are ignorant of certain aspects of normal interpersonal interactions, sympathy. Empathy, how to nurture, etc.
But for the most part I had a happy childhood. No physical or emotional abuse. But due to their lack of knowledge in building sustainable relationships, I don't have a strong relationship with them nor all my siblings.
They still think it's all fine.

Obviously that creates difficulty in my marriage and parenting, but not totally dysfunctional or abusive at all.
sounds like me but I voted dysfunctional becuse my parents hit and criticized a lot
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amother




Royalblue


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 6:21 pm
amother wrote:
I'm not sure how to reply. My parents had a great relationship and showed a lot of love and respect for each other. I was verbally and physically abused by my parents. In our home it's opposite. We are both very loving with our kids but definitely somewhat verbally abusive of each other. Not sure there is a connection.

We're in a similar situation in the opposite form. We each grew up with different areas of dysfunction. Neither of our parents had good relationships (to put it mildly) and there was lots of dysfunction in how each of us were brought up as children as well.
Dh and I work very hard and are very loving to each other. But I'm struggling as a mother and lot of what I say in stressful situations is verbally abusive.
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Bizzydizzymommy









  


Post  Tue, Jan 10 2017, 7:28 pm
I grew up with dysfunction. And I Baruch HaShem have a healthy marriage. My biggest fear is that I may act dysfunctional at times as a reaction to my upbringing and I'd hate for my kids to grow up in dysfunction. So far I think we are doing ok. But I could totally picture my kids as adults saying what a psycho mother they had . She made them clean for Shabbos, she asked them to do a load of laundry, she always complained when the volume of the music they were listening to was too loud, if we did not do our homework she wouldn't do it for us and she wouldn't sign it, saying that we need to learn responsibility etc. Could you just imagine what "suffering" they had to put up with?
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