Shul Rebbetzin | Imamother

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:41 am

In shuls where the rebbetzin is expected to attend evening events and take an active role, generally the rabbi's contract includes a babysitting budget.

If this is going to lead to a situation where the rebbetzin has full-time child care in a community where most families don't, some of the congregants will look askance at the arrangement. (There will always be people who are unhappy with the rabbi, but when he has a higher standard of living than the balebaatim, that's the kind of thing that stirs up resentment.)

It's fine for the rebbetzin to say that she can devote x number of nights a month to shul business and not more. Also, the children will appreciate having one parent home some of the time.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:52 am

Do you get upset when you feel your rebbetzin doesn't reach out enough? Like, do you think she should host guests both seudos on Shabbos, always be in shul Shabbos morning, and give a weekly class to really "deserve" the title? Or is being supportive of the Rav and their family enough?

abound

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 4:31 am

there are different rebbitzens and different dyanmics that vary from shul to shul. If you are the rebbitzen then you need to figure out what you can do and what is best for your family and be okay with that. If you can host and be there for the community it is a nice thing to do, but only if you and your family can do it. If you are a member of the shul. You need to realize that being married to a rabbi does not make a person automatically an extrovert warm peoples person. Your rebbitzen is not responsible to be the sort of rebbitzen you envision, she can be her own person and lead a private life. It is special enough that the husband devoted his life to the Klal and is challenging enough without the wife/mother doing the same.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 7:30 am

As a Rebbetzin, do you know how hard it is to NEVER have your husband home. Never be there in the AM to help with the kids, never be there in the PM to help the kids get to bed.
To get home 1/2 hour before Shabbos to quickly leave again.
Even on a mini vacation to be on call.
The Rabbi literally works 24/7, even on Shabbos.
Sometimes even from a hospital bed, where he is the patient.
The Rabbi's family always is second to what the community needs. Although he preaches that family and wife should come first.
I'm ok with all that.
What I'm not ok with is
A. People thinking the Rabbi has a cushy job.
B. People thinking the Rebbetzin should do more.
C. The Rabbi's salary being too high.
You don't realize how much she has given up for her DH to be your rabbi.
Every person should thank their Rebbetzin, just for the fact that she sacarafices not having a husband.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 7:48 am

amother wrote:

There are quite a few jobs with difficult hours. Doctors work on shabbos too. Lawyers and other professionals aren't home to get the kids up in the morning or to sleep at night. In the age of smartphones, just about every employee is on call all the time.

I know from experience how difficult life can be for a rabbi's family. And I also know from experience that others work hard as well.

And, as I'm sure you know, there are some perks that come with rabbinic life. It's not for everyone, but if you choose it, you need to bear its burdens.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 7:56 am

amother wrote:

I think the Rabbi of a shul should be hosting guests almost weekly. If he wants to do the cooking and prep work great, but realistically speaking it generally falls to the wife. I don't think our Rabbi and Rebetzin do a great job with the meals.

I don't expect the Rebetzin to give weekly classes. I do expect her to contribute to the sisterhood in a meaningful way where she has time. Our Rebetzin does a good job with this.

Rebetzin is not usually a paid title so it's hard to expect her to formally do too much, but the wife of a Rabbi is definitely considered when it's time to hire a Rabbi.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:01 am

But what if the Rebbetzin has really difficult kids, with let's say, really hard behavioral challenges, that make having guests uncomfortable for the family and the guests? Should she host every week then? If her husband is a talented Rabbi, should he have to get a new job because his kids aren't cut out for an open home lifestyle? Remember, her husband is getting paid for the job, not the Rebbetzin or the kids...

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:03 am

I don't the rebbetzin has to give a weekly class or anything like that but I do think she should make a point of saying good shabbos to people... especially if it's a small community where there aren't many shuls. Like it would bother me if I felt that the rebbetzin didn't know my name or who my children were.. In terms of hosting I think it depends on the community- in a community like Lakewood I don't think it would be expected, in a place where there are a lot of people who aren't frum, becoming frum, I do think it would be more expected.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:17 am

To me, a Rabbi and Rebbetzin can be viewed in 2 ways: spiritual leaders and/or social leaders. Many people expect them to be BOTH, which can be completely unfair. The role of Rabbi and Rebbetzin (outside of active kiruv) is primarily spiritual, in my opinion. I would rather have a Rav who is a true talmid chacham, who I can expect to pasken shailos and create an atmosphere of learning in the shul, then any social organizer. I would rather a Rebbetzin who models a true aishes chayil and can give high level Torah classes for women, then an extraverted hostess. But I know for many, their connection to Yidddishkeit is more social, so they would prefer an extraverted hostess and party planner type....

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:22 am

I'm a shul rebbetzin.

We get paid one salary (no babysitting or anything like that ever covered) but I am expected to do certain things.

I host people weekly. (we do get an entertainment budget)
I give a weekly shiur
be nice to people in shul (obviously). I try and talk to everyone...I'm sure I miss people but I am only human. I am really bad with faces and names. (this has gotten worse as I got older) When people come to shul and we are introduced and then they don't return until 3 months later, I am sure they are terribly offended if I don't remember them. Sad

I plan and arrange community events such as chanukah parties, community sedarim, etc. Often I end up cooking myself for these.
I am expected to go and visit people in hospital. I almost have always had a child home with me so this is very difficult to do so I rarely do this.

I do see this as my job (and I actually chose to marry a Rabbi, not a lawyer or a businessman) but it is difficult when I am expected to do all these things with no acknowledgement of the difficulties. We are struggling greatly financially so I have cut down on cleaning help and can't really afford babysitting. Just keeping my house presentable in case people drop by consumes a lot of my time. Many people in my community (or at least the ones on the shul board) are older with kids long grown up - and much smaller families - so they do not really grasp the difficulties.

I know other professions work hard but at least other people have shabbos and sunday off. My hsuband doesn't even get one day off in the week. Sundays are officially off but there might be a simcha or funeral or meeting or function....etc.

abound

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:30 am

amother wrote:

all those jobs you mentioned get paid a lot more than a rabbi.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:47 am

abound wrote:

all those jobs you mentioned get paid a lot more than a rabbi.

Yes, usually. Only consider that the doctor has loans to pay off, and in the early years, almost everyone struggles. Rabbis get freebies depending on the size/wealth of the congregation too. So the gap isn't as huge as you imagine.

I do think that if a rebbetzin has responsibilities to the community, the pay package should reflect that. She shouldn't be expected to work for free. And at the same time, she shouldn't resent the community for her husband's hours. That's the nature of the job.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:56 am

amother wrote:

Of course there are challenges, but IMO, especially in my own community, hosting guests on shabbos for lunch is pretty standard for the Rabbi. I think it's important for them to find ways to host while also working with the needs of their own family. To me, an open home lifestyle is kind of part of the job of a Rabbi. At least, our Rabbi is part time so he's paid for shabbosim, holidays and some weeknights. So shabbos is definitely his on time and he should be giving back to his congregation. Part of that is hosting families for lunch.

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:15 am

My husband has never been home to help get the kids ready in the morning. Sometimes, he would get home from shul with enough time to take one child to a playgroup while I take the rest. But those periods were long ago. Now, he leaves before we wake up and isn't back til dinner time. I am doing the morning routine and school drop-offs alone. I have my husband around more than a rebbetzin does, but that is still pretty much limited to 615-815pm on weeknights because he goes back out to learn.

I think the schedule of a Rav and Rebbetzin is hard, but they shouldn't think they are the only ones!

Women with husbands working in the outside world (who are not in kollel, chinuch, etc) -IMHO - have it harder than those who are in kollel or chinuch. I see those men home in the morning... helping with the kids... taking them to school... while my husband can't do any of that. And since he didn't learn during the day, I support his learning schedule at night. A rav/rebbetzin is different than chinuch, but I am just saying that someone like me (yeshivish, little children, husband working, I work part time)... not an easy schedule either.

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:49 am

amother wrote:

Smokey, it sounds like you get "Rebbetzin of the year award". The house keeping pressurefor visitors sounds especially hard!

Thanks! I get plenty of criticism from (some members of) my community for not doing the things THEY think I should be doing. I am awful at phonecalls for example. I also end to connect better with certain personalities I think, although I try to be friendly with everyone but its not easy.

Honestly the crazy hours my husband has wouldn't bother me (I think we are just used to it) if I couldn't see the toll it is having on his health. He gets really sick pretty often. I definitely attribute that to not having a real day off weekly, or even time off daily. Plus the stress of dealing with shul board members. One of my husbands friends (also a Rabbi but not a shul rabbi) recently passed away from a heart attack.

BTW you do have to study to become a Rabbi. Probably not as costly as medical school. I am lucky in that my in laws paid for that. I have no idea how much it costs. But I did just see a gofundme a guy just set up so he can go to rabbinical school. Many shuls also might expect their rabbi to have a college degree, maybe even a masters or PHD.