Shul Rebbetzin | Imamother

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:53 am

amother wrote:

My husband has never been home to help get the kids ready in the morning. Sometimes, he would get home from shul with enough time to take one child to a playgroup while I take the rest. But those periods were long ago. Now, he leaves before we wake up and isn't back til dinner time. I am doing the morning routine and school drop-offs alone. I have my husband around more than a rebbetzin does, but that is still pretty much limited to 615-815pm on weeknights because he goes back out to learn.

I think the schedule of a Rav and Rebbetzin is hard, but they shouldn't think they are the only ones!

Women with husbands working in the outside world (who are not in kollel, chinuch, etc) -IMHO - have it harder than those who are in kollel or chinuch. I see those men home in the morning... helping with the kids... taking them to school... while my husband can't do any of that. And since he didn't learn during the day, I support his learning schedule at night. A rav/rebbetzin is different than chinuch, but I am just saying that someone like me (yeshivish, little children, husband working, I work part time)... not an easy schedule either.

Quoting myself --- and adding on -- we have do not have money for cleaning help, extra babysitting or fancy clothes etc, in case you are thinking we have it easier in that sense. I am sure we make way less than our shul Rabbi - who we think the world of!!

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

Thanks! I get plenty of criticism from (some members of) my community for not doing the things THEY think I should be doing. I am awful at phonecalls for example. I also end to connect better with certain personalities I think, although I try to be friendly with everyone but its not easy.

Honestly the crazy hours my husband has wouldn't bother me (I think we are just used to it) if I couldn't see the toll it is having on his health. He gets really sick pretty often. I definitely attribute that to not having a real day off weekly, or even time off daily. Plus the stress of dealing with shul board members. One of my husbands friends (also a Rabbi but not a shul rabbi) recently passed away from a heart attack.

BTW you do have to study to become a Rabbi. Probably not as costly as medical school. I am lucky in that my in laws paid for that. I have no idea how much it costs. But I did just see a gofundme a guy just set up so he can go to rabbinical school. Many shuls also might expect their rabbi to have a college degree, maybe even a masters or PHD.

I don't think a Rav/Rabbi or Rebbetzin should get slack... and I feel for you both with the hard schedule! Do you think the health problems are coming from lack of sleep or from stress (even with enough sleep) or both?

Also, in response to previous posts, the Rabbi's family needs some privacy too! They do not have to host guests every shabbos!! Maybe their kids need some time without outsiders... kids gets sick... the Rebbetzin could be expecting and not well... I think it would be fine to say only guests for one meal per shabbos - or even to take some weeks off with guests completely! Their houses are not public property!

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

He doesn't have vacation shabbosim built into his contract? If he doesn't he should!

Is he a full time Rabbi or is it a part time job? It's ok to schedule hours rather than be available at all times (unless a pressing halachic issue comes up). Being a Rabbi can be a very stressful job, like many other professions. He needs to find appropriate boundaries that will allow him to still do his job well and also maintain his health.

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:19 am

amother wrote:

Just curious- Does your shul rebbetzin do stuff for the shul/community? Does she have small children? Does she work?

To respond to the OP, yes. She runs the nshei as well as helps with the local bikur cholim and helps when ppl need chessed arranged - meals, childcare etc. She has small children. She teaches only 2 periods a week in a local school. Yes, it is an OOT community.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:21 am

amother wrote:

As a Rebbetzin, do you know how hard it is to NEVER have your husband home. Never be there in the AM to help with the kids, never be there in the PM to help the kids get to bed.
To get home 1/2 hour before Shabbos to quickly leave again.
Even on a mini vacation to be on call.
The Rabbi literally works 24/7, even on Shabbos.
Sometimes even from a hospital bed, where he is the patient.
The Rabbi's family always is second to what the community needs. Although he preaches that family and wife should come first.
I'm ok with all that.
What I'm not ok with is
A. People thinking the Rabbi has a cushy job.
B. People thinking the Rebbetzin should do more.
C. The Rabbi's salary being too high.
You don't realize how much she has given up for her DH to be your rabbi.
Every person should thank their Rebbetzin, just for the fact that she sacarafices not having a husband.

amother

Coral

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:24 am

I think it's unfair for a community to expect so much from a rebbetzin without offering her a salary (or for the meals she hosts to be bought). I also think communities need to be more understanding of young rabbis needing alone family time. My in laws are a rabbi and Rebbetzin. Now that their kids are older, they host all the time. When they had babies and toddlers hosting was much harder for them.

I came from a family of doctors, and depending on the specialty, there are definitely plenty of doctors who work harder than rabbis BUT they get paid more, and their wives and children do not bear the same responsibilities that a rabbi's family does and the same public scrutiny.

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:47 am

amother wrote:

we get 4 weeks off a year, (the legal number of vacation days) plus public holidays.

Truthfully our community don't count the days he takes off...as long as its not overly excessive I don't think they mind. The problem is to get a vacation we literally need to go away. And we don't have family in driving distance so that makes it a very costly endeavor. Otherwise, sure, we would go away more often. Also, my husband teaches during the school term (OOT community so this is part of his duties) so he finds he really needs time in his office to catch up on things he just doesn't have time for during term time. So we usually go away for about 2 weeks in the summer and another 2 weeks in the winter.

We do things to make life easier...like trying not to have guests both meals on shabbos. But there are often last minute guests. I can never rely on not having guests at all. Even if I have just given birth or are in hospital.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 11:59 am

amother wrote:

You do work very hard, and I hope your congregants appreciate that. But look at the trade offs. FOUR WEEKS of vacation! Most of your baalebatim have to use their vacation time for yom tov. I'm not saying the life is easy. I've lived it. But you do have to be honest about the upsides as well as the downsides.

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:03 pm

amother wrote:

Good point. We don't go away much bc my DH needs all his vacation days for yuntif. However, when school is out, the Rav and other ppl who work in kodesh, get to go away and we have to stay here for jobs...

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

The downside (not complaining just stating a fact) is that we can never go away for yom tov. And yom tov is just hard work. For me, beforehand - we can't really eat at other peoples houses for kashrus reasons - so we eat every single meal at home, usually with guests. Plus my husband has to give classes, sermons, etc. We finish hosting a long meal with 30 guests and my husband is preparing his drasha or leining for the next day.

For vacation we usually go to visit family anyway...it would be nicer to go to them for a yom tov then when we do go.

I guess 4 weeks of vacation makes up for never having a single weekend off apart from that. In any case 4 weeks is the legal minimum where we live. So other shomer shabbos families in our community are able to take off yom tov (which of course they can spend where they want) plus take at least a 2 week vacation some other time. We don't live in the USA - I think the number of vacation days people get there is shocking.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 1:35 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry, but I really feel that with all the good a life in Rabbanus can provide, you can't comprehend what it's like to live under constant community scrutiny unless you have lived it...and the emotional toll that can take will cancel out what others perceive as perks of the job.

I have lived it.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 1:51 pm

amother wrote:

The long and short of this conversation is, if the Rebbetzin is to have expectations made of her, she should be financially compensated, just like the Rav. Otherwise, she is above judgement and criticism for any service she does provide, just like any other volunteer!

The Rabbi is expected to provide these services as part of being a Rabbi to the community. If he offloads his responsibilities to his wife, that's between them.

Look, I'm sure being the wife of a Rabbi comes with a lot of hardships. So does being a lawyer in big law or an ER doctor or many other fields. Each has its own benefits and drawbacks and that's kind of life.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 2:00 pm

Our Rebbetzin would normally receive compensation for some duties, but since our current rebbetzin is an oncologist a coordinator was hired part time (she is a member of the congregation). Our rabbi is fairly compensated and typically the job comes with health ins. but since the rebbetzin's job provides ins. the savings go into the rabbi's pension and pay for the coordinator. Despite being a working mother with a career our rebbetzin is a visible participant in our community. Oh and our rabbi accrues 24 hours of paid leave a month and 8 hours sick. They do take vacations and we get a guest rabbi as a stand in. We are a progressive MO community in the PNW.