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Shul Rebbetzin
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Jewishmofm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 4:01 pm
As a Shul Rebbitzen, I've been involved with communities across the spectrum of financial wherewithal. MOST do not have a separate cheshbon for the rebbitzen, but many are aware of our part in a shul. Our view is that rabbanus us a team effort. The strength of a rabbi is his rebbotzen, in whatever form her setvice takes (holding down the fort, shiutim, social engahement, whatever).I speak with shuls considering my husband's candidacy, and ensure they have a clear idea of the role they want the rebbitzen to play. We discuss the needs of their community and my availability. Before we get to probeh stage. You have to go in with your eyes open and a clear path. Otherwise, you can get sidelined by already active members of the community or overwhelmed by the (unspoken) demands of the community. FWIW, we host all meals shabbos and Yom tov with little kids. I do not give a regular shiur (there were existing women's shiurim when we got here) but I do give something (a shiur or social event) monthly-ish. I show up smiling to life cycle events, shul on shabbos. I listen to people. I do a lot of long carpools and have a full freezer for kosher store items (OOT satellite of an OOT city)....if there is not clear communication of everyone's intentions vis a vis rebbitzenhood, it's a recipe for disaster.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 4:26 pm
Then there are the Rebbetzins who WANT to do more, but are shot down by women who "were there forever and know how it should always be". How about the Rebbetzin that gives classes and gets phone calls from a shul member with advice on how to do it better? That can be just as challenging.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 5:12 pm
amother wrote:
There are quite a few jobs with difficult hours. Doctors work on shabbos too. Lawyers and other professionals aren't home to get the kids up in the morning or to sleep at night. In the age of smartphones, just about every employee is on call all the time.

I know from experience how difficult life can be for a rabbi's family. And I also know from experience that others work hard as well.

And, as I'm sure you know, there are some perks that come with rabbinic life. It's not for everyone, but if you choose it, you need to bear its burdens.


Being a rebbetzin is not a paid position nor is it an employee. It's not a two for one special that comes with being a rabbi either. Doctors and lawyers usually get compensated very nicely, how can you compare??!!! Whatever perks there are (very few) are far outweighed by communal responsibilities.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 5:18 pm
octopus wrote:
Being a rebbetzin is not a paid position nor is it an employee. It's not a two for one special that comes with being a rabbi either. Doctors and lawyers usually get compensated very nicely, how can you compare??!!! Whatever perks there are (very few) are far outweighed by communal responsibilities.


Not to diminish your work, but as a point of understanding, lifestyle choices do impact how we live. If your schul is run by a board, you may want to ask them to develop a coordinator position that would employ the current rebbetzin (you or someone in the future) and compensate her for a portion of her work.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 5:22 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
Our Rebbetzin would normally receive compensation for some duties, but since our current rebbetzin is an oncologist a coordinator was hired part time (she is a member of the congregation). Our rabbi is fairly compensated and typically the job comes with health ins. but since the rebbetzin's job provides ins. the savings go into the rabbi's pension and pay for the coordinator. Despite being a working mother with a career our rebbetzin is a visible participant in our community. Oh and our rabbi accrues 24 hours of paid leave a month and 8 hours sick. They do take vacations and we get a guest rabbi as a stand in. We are a progressive MO community in the PNW.


Your rabbi gets one day off a month? shock Does he have an official day off in the week?

I'm glad your shul - and hopefully others - are paying their rebbetzin. Hopefully this trend will spread. I've never been paid a penny, except very rarely for some private classes I have given.

Quote:
highly doubt the Rabbi is expected to run a Sisterhood or a bikur cholim or be ready for guests after giving birth : ). If the Rebbetzin provides any service to the community without compensation, her work should be seen as selfless volunteering.


Huh? The reality (ime) is that if a rebbetzin does not participate in these things she will a. possibly put her husbands job in jeopardy or b. come under heavy criticism.

Also, there are indeed many women who selflessly volunteer for the types of things rebbetzins do. You don't need to be married to a rabbi to be able to do many of them. But volunteers usually have spare time or spare money or a strong desire to do these things. A rebbetzin is expected to do these things whether or not she has the above.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 5:29 pm
amother wrote:
Huh? The reality (ime) is that if a rebbetzin does not participate in these things she will a. possibly put her husbands job in jeopardy or b. come under heavy criticism.

Also, there are indeed many women who selflessly volunteer for the types of things rebbetzins do. You don't need to be married to a rabbi to be able to do many of them. But volunteers usually have spare time or spare money or a strong desire to do these things. A rebbetzin is expected to do these things whether or not she has the above.


No our rabbi accrues 24 paid hours of leave every month as I said in my post. That time can be used for family vacations, in which case we get a stand in rabbi. He gets to pick his work week based on whats going on in the community. The expectation is that he will work a 40 hr wk. If his duties go beyond that he can always flex those hours. This is a progressive MO schul, not a sweat shop.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 5:45 pm
amother wrote:
I'm sorry, but I really feel that with all the good a life in Rabbanus can provide, you can't comprehend what it's like to live under constant community scrutiny unless you have lived it...and the emotional toll that can take will cancel out what others perceive as perks of the job.


This is precisely why DH decided not to be a shul rabbi, at least for now while we have young kids at home. He comes from a family with some shul rabbis, and after much consideration, decided that's not the life for him and us, and I agreed. We do function sometimes as stand-ins for the shul rabbi's family - doing lots of hosting of new folks and out of town people, etc, DH gives shiurim, is "on-call" when our rabbi is out of town, etc. But we love that it's on our own terms and we don't live under a magnifying glass.

I try very hard to recognize boundaries for our rabbi's family and know how hard it is for them to even just keep the house presentable for all of the people who feel free to drop by almost any time!

I think it's very important not to place too high expectations on the rabbi's family, and to encourage them to have regular shabbos meals alone for time just with their family. It's important that their kids get some time just with their parents, especially on shabbos.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 7:35 pm
Thank you all for your insightful replies. I feel that my biggest stress as a rebbetzin is the constant internal feeling that its just never enough. So hard to feel good about all you are doing when their is just always more to be done. Always someone else to call and check-in, wish a good shabbos, always another program to initiate, always another person to help, always a person you dont invite enough, and just always another person who is unhappy or has complaints about shul. In the meantime, I have a brood at home who has emotional and physical needs that only a mother can fill, a husband to nurture and be there for life/shul stresses, a job to help financially, and a house to take care of. Let alone time to take care of myself, nurture my own interests and hobbies, be a good daughter, a good friend. Although its easy to say intellectually that "Im doing my best," its hard to feel strong internally when there are unwritten expectations that you just can't possibly meet. Thanks for listening ladies. Its a tremendous zechus to be in the position. Guess it takes internal work to learn to embrace the best I can do and not worry about the rest.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:11 pm


Last edited by amother on Tue, Jan 17 2017, 12:13 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 12:00 am
I am also Shul rebbetzin and we were definitely hired as a couple.
It's literally a 24/7 job. Our Sunday's are often full of simachot. We can literally go from a Brit milah to a 60th birthday to a bar mitzvah to an unveiling to a wedding. My husband is lucky. He puts on a suit and tie and is dressed for the day. I am the one dashing in and out of the house trying to be appropriately dressed for each occasion.

Our community is fairly wealthy. But they do seem to except that we live a very simple lifestyle. Obviously the Shul is an expensive area and therefore our housing costs are high. Yes we do have more children than people in our Shul but we do not own a yacht or vacation in the south of France or jet off to game reserves in Africa whenever there are two free days on the calendar.

The pressure is enormous. My children need to be calm, clean and well behaved, my house immaculate, my food delicious and healthy. (I've gotten suggestions on how I can improve on all of the above- including not serving anything other than expensive wine and water at my Shabbat meals. Rolling Eyes

I'm expected to phone everyone who might need a call, Give classes, teach brides, organize events and meals. Yes, there are committees for a lot of that. But ultimately if things don't work out it falls on my shoulders.

BH we love what we do and every mitzvah, every word of Torah learned, every person who said I finally enjoy coming to Shul, every bride who says she will continue going to the Mikva's after the wedding is a zechut and privilege for us to be a part of.

But sometimes, it is hard.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 12:09 am
What truly bothers me about the post above is "my children need to be calm, clean, and well behaved, etc...".

What if you were blessed with a downs syndrome child, an ADHD child, or an on the spectrum child with all sorts of annoying anxiety tics??? Or just an average high strung, whiney type of child??? Then your still supposed to host lots of guests and put on some sort of " we're the perfect family " show to make your congregation happy??? How exactly is that a part of your mission as a Rebbetzin to role model spirituality and Torah ideals????
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 6:01 am
amother wrote:
Thank you all for your insightful replies. I feel that my biggest stress as a rebbetzin is the constant internal feeling that its just never enough. So hard to feel good about all you are doing when their is just always more to be done. Always someone else to call and check-in, wish a good shabbos, always another program to initiate, always another person to help, always a person you dont invite enough, and just always another person who is unhappy or has complaints about shul. In the meantime, I have a brood at home who has emotional and physical needs that only a mother can fill, a husband to nurture and be there for life/shul stresses, a job to help financially, and a house to take care of. Let alone time to take care of myself, nurture my own interests and hobbies, be a good daughter, a good friend. Although its easy to say intellectually that "Im doing my best," its hard to feel strong internally when there are unwritten expectations that you just can't possibly meet. Thanks for listening ladies. Its a tremendous zechus to be in the position. Guess it takes internal work to learn to embrace the best I can do and not worry about the rest.


Yes, this really resonates with me. Hugs. It's not easy.

But despite the hardships there are definitely upsides. I really do enjoy having guests and connecting with people.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 7:59 am
Why should a Rebbetzin have to feel that her family is up for community scrutiny? Should a future Rav and Rebbetzin have dor yesharim screen them for the "perfection gene" to make sure they'll only produce "open - home" type kids, who are all easy going, clean, friendly, intelligent, and intuitively socially appropriate? The constant guests thing really bothers me. The Rav and Rebbetzin's presence is most important in the SHUL. The davening, learning, classes, programming, etc...If their whole family enjoys lots of guests, fine, if not, also fine. It should be their choice, not part of the job expectations!
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 8:48 am
My shul hired a rabbi, not a rebbetzin. Our rabbi's wife has young children as well as her own fulltime career. The rabbi and his wife do host Shabbat meals for anyone who asks, but when we interviewed them, she made it very clear that we were hiring him and not her. And that's fine. I have never been a member of a shul in which the rabbi's wife took any major role. It's not reasonable to expect that of a woman who works full time outside the home and has a family.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 8:58 am
Lol, I think imamother should make January 17 official "Thank Your Rebbetzin Day"! Thumbs Up
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