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Forum -> Parenting our children
How to teach almost grown daughter a lesson
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:12 am
I have asked/requested/begged/explained why I want my 12th grade daughter to let me know her schedule. If she has plans after school I just want a text with what time she'll be home and if I should leave her supper.
I have to say that she is amazing! Conscientious, sweet, helpful, sweet natured.
So here it is an hour after she was supposed to be home and no word from her. She's not answering texts or calls and hasn't read my watsap.
It doesn't help that we live in Israel and I tend to think the worst.
Any suggestions how to get this through her head? ?
I am so furious I want to take her phone away! !!
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:29 am
Did you try asking her what the issue is? Does she forget? Does she not want to share her schedule with you? Does her phone die?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:40 am
no lesson to be taught ... it would be moot to take away the phone

look her straight in the eye & tell your grown girl why she has a phone - just like you told us ... #1 safety so please keep mom connected to when you are expected home so you don't worry

p.s. moms worry forever [that's our job]
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:43 am
I would panic and think the worst too. I'd be so upset with this behavior. Taking her phone away of course eliminates any chance for her to be in touch so better think of some other consequence - one she will take seriously. Maybe permission to go out with friends for some period of time? I don't know. My kids are still young and I grew up w/o cell phones.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:52 am
tichellady wrote:
Did you try asking her what the issue is? Does she forget? Does she not want to share her schedule with you? Does her phone die?

She thought she told me.
B"H she's not hiding anything. When her phone dies she uses her friend's
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:53 am
greenfire wrote:
no lesson to be taught ... it would be moot to take away the phone

look her straight in the eye & tell your grown girl why she has a phone - just like you told us ... #1 safety so please keep mom connected to when you are expected home so you don't worry

p.s. moms worry forever [that's our job]


I have told her. Nicely and calmly. A million times
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:55 am
What if you make sure you have access to GPS or download a phone finder app?

I am that daughter who forgets to text her parents. Most of the time, I'm caught up in what I'm doing, bc I'm with friends, or driving or whatever it is... It's not out of malice, but forgetfulness (and maybe a little bit of a desire for independence/not needing to report to anyone like my siblings who no longer live at home)

Also, it's like they know I have an appointment, but then I decided to run an errand after and forget to mention.

Since most of the time I'm out with my car, my parents can check the car's GPS to see where I am. I don't even mind, bc this way I'm not annoyed that I get what seems to me like annoying/nagging "where are you" texts and my parents know where I am bc they can look it up whenever they want.

Since it seems your DD doesn't have car... They have phone apps that do this. Plus, if you pay for phone, you probably have the right to look up it's GPS... Not even a legal issue.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:59 am
singleagain wrote:
What if you make sure you have access to GPS or download a phone finder app?

I am that daughter who forgets to text her parents. Most of the time, I'm caught up in what I'm doing, bc I'm with friends, or driving or whatever it is... It's not out of malice, but forgetfulness (and maybe a little bit of a desire for independence/not needing to report to anyone like my siblings who no longer live at home)

Also, it's like they know I have an appointment, but then I decided to run an errand after and forget to mention.

Since most of the time I'm out with my car, my parents can check the car's GPS to see where I am. I don't even mind, bc this way I'm not annoyed that I get what seems to me like annoying/nagging "where are you" texts and my parents know where I am bc they can look it up whenever they want.


Since it seems your DD doesn't have car... They have phone apps that do this. Plus, if you pay for phone, you probably have the right to look up it's GPS... Not even a legal issue.


With all due respect, I am assuming you are not 17.
I'm sorry, but your parents sound a bit overbearing and nudgy.
I am not this way with my children in their 20's.
I just feel a 17 year old should be reporting in.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:02 am
I'm mean, but I'd be tempted to go out one afternoon, leave no dinner, no note, don't answer calls or texts, and arrive back at 9 when she is good and worried.

Not that I would necessarily do it. But I'd be tempted.

The others are right. Just keep saying it. You can try reminding her every morning when you say goodbye, so it's fresher in her head.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:05 am
If my mother said nothing but just showed extreme disappointment I would feel so guilty it would eat me up.

But that may be a personality thing
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:06 am
Its common courtesy to tell someone when you are coming and going. I would probably not extend her the courtesy of leaving dinner if she cant do the same for you. A 17 year old can make her own food. As an adult who lived with her father I made sure to tell him that I was leaving and when I planned to come home. Its basic manners.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:08 am
imasinger wrote:
I'm mean, but I'd be tempted to go out one afternoon, leave no dinner, no note, don't answer calls or texts, and arrive back at 9 when she is good and worried.

Not that I would necessarily do it. But I'd be tempted.

The others are right. Just keep saying it. You can try reminding her every morning when you say goodbye, so it's fresher in her head.

The 6 year old might miss me!
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:10 am
mha3484 wrote:
Its common courtesy to tell someone when you are coming and going. I would probably not extend her the courtesy of leaving dinner if she cant do the same for you. A 17 year old can make her own food. As an adult who lived with her father I made sure to tell him that I was leaving and when I planned to come home. Its basic manners.

Great idea!! I actually am staring at the plate I left her and want to trash it! But I won't. But I really like that. I'll tell her if she's not home by her usual time and I don't get notice, I will assume she doesn't need dinner.
Love It!!!
Thanks!!
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:10 am
heidi wrote:
With all due respect, I am assuming you are not 17.
I'm sorry, but your parents sound a bit overbearing and nudgy.
I am not this way with my children in their 20's.
I just feel a 17 year old should be reporting in.


Your right, I'm 30 and have been living back at home since my divorce at 25. Now I might think my parents are overbearing and nudgy, but, I know they are just concerned/tell me it's basic common respect as ppl living in the same house.

I personally don't think it's unreasonable for my parent's to know what time I'm planning on coming home. So, if I do decide to run out to Starbucks at 9pm and stay out till 11, you bet I'll tell them. Since I work as an usher and my hours are late and change month to month, I share with them my Google calendar of my schedule, so even when they go to bed at 8. They know I should be home by 1130 and if they wake up and I'm not home yet they don't have to worry...Or they check the car's GPS and see I'm still at work and know the show ran late.

Knowing my personality, we've come up with a few ways that way I don't feel like my parents are on top of me and they have peace of mind bc they know where I am.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:18 am
singleagain wrote:
Your right, I'm 30 and have been living back at home since my divorce at 25. Now I might think my parents are overbearing and nudgy, but, I know they are just concerned/tell me it's basic common respect as ppl living in the same house.

I personally don't think it's unreasonable for my parent's to know what time I'm planning on coming home. So, if I do decide to run out to Starbucks at 9pm and stay out till 11, you bet I'll tell them. Since I work as an usher and my hours are late and change month to month, I share with them my Google calendar of my schedule, so even when they go to bed at 8. They know I should be home by 1130 and if they wake up and I'm not home yet they don't have to worry...Or they check the car's GPS and see I'm still at work and know the show ran late.

Knowing my personality, we've come up with a few ways that way I don't feel like my parents are on top of me and they have peace of mind bc they know where I am.

I didn't get the fact that you're living with your parents. Your screen name clued me in to the rest.
You're right--- when my 23 year old is home I do ask him to let me know when he gets in-- otherwise I wake up to check.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:21 am
show intense disappointment, not nicely but not screaming.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:22 am
yeah the disappearing act could work ... take the 6 year old with you
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:27 am
heidi wrote:
I didn't get the fact that you're living with your parents. Your screen name clued me in to the rest.
You're right--- when my 23 year old is home I do ask him to let me know when he gets in-- otherwise I wake up to check.


That's alright, I tend to leave out deatils that are obvious to me .... One of the many joys of navigating being an adult child living at home with her parents. I don't always give details bc I think it's obvious and/or not a huge deal. ... Which could very well be the way your DD is thinking.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:46 am
I used to do this to my mom all the time. I have no idea why . She used to beg me to just send her a text if I was going to be home late. I pretty much never listened to her, and then she would call me and I still wouldn't pick up and then she would panic. I did it over and over again and I can't for the life of me understand why. I feel terrible about it now.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:13 am
you don't have to be mother & daughter to be courteous to someone you are living with ... roommates, sisters, spouses, friends ... all want to make sure a person wasn't murdered, kidnapped or lost in space
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