DD very oppositional

amother

Apricot

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 11:20 am

She's been this way since she was born. From when she was a toddler she had trouble being flexible, transitioning from one place to another or one activity to another. (It wasn't typical toddler behavior. It was extreme.) She dislikes change. She had terrible twos from age 1 until age 5 laying down on the floor crying. Now she's almost 7 she still cries very easily when she's frustrated or when she's forced to make a transition faster than she wanted to. She also tends to be very negative and hates doing as she's told or agreeing with anyone. She's always arguing. I'm at a loss how to parent her in a positive manner because it backfires. Some examples:

If I tell DD she looks pretty she responds with "No. I'm NOT pretty." It's like she's uncomfortable with positive attention?

If I tell her I love her she responds with baby language "wuv you mama" like again she's uncomfortable with expressing herself normally in a positive way.

If I tell her I'm proud she did xyz she says "but I really didn't wanna do it" and chokes up like she's about to cry.

If I tell her she's doing a good job on her homework she responds "but I'm not really so good at it"

I helped her clean her room and she said she "liked it better dirty. Now it's too empty and different from before." Again choking up almost crying.

And she'll choke up and start crying if she's frustrated about the smallest thing like her dress sleeve getting stuck.

If we go out Sunday to a park and she has a really good time and I ask her about it she'll say "it was fun but I didn't like xyz" always finding something to complain about and focusing on the bad thing instead of the good thing.

There's always a "but". Always an argument or complaint or disclaimer. It's rare for her to acknowledge that's she's happy. Why??? And how do I help her and parent her when almost everything I say and do is met with an argument? And where is all this endless negativity even coming from? It's like her default setting is negative and being positive is so hard and frustrating for her it can bring her to tears.

I feel like there's something bigger going on here but I'm not sure what.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 12:44 pm

From what you describe, it sounds like she has Negative Personality issues. Only a therapist can tell you for sure, though. Usually, oppositional kids react with anger, not sadness.

What happens if you try to flip things around, and see if she's oppositional? "Wow, that's a really ugly shirt. I hope you don't wear that one." and she then decides it's her favorite shirt, and she'll wear it all week long. Try to dare her not to do the dishes. Tell her she's too little, and can't handle it. If you catch her doing the dishes, then you'll know she's oppositional.

I used to babysit a toddler who was oppositional. When her mother would leave for work, the girl would run out the front door, and try to get behind the car to stop it! shock

At first I had to restrain her physically to keep her out of the driveway. Then I figured out that I should tell her that I don't want her to stay with me, that she's bothering me, and that she should go outside. She stuck to me like glue from then on!

ODD is a lifelong struggle, and I saw signs on this when my friend's DD was only 9 months old. There is a very particular screaming pattern, that made me think "Wow, that is the ANGRIEST baby I have ever heard!" She was permanently ticked off at the world, and wanted everyone to know it. Now that she's school age, she is a nightmare to all of her teachers, and has no friends.

ETA: Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am not a professional, and you really need professional guidance. She could have sensory processing disorders, Aspergers, or a hundred other things. She might just be extra sensitive or high strung. In any case, and evaluation and some therapy would be the best thing right now.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 12:54 pm

Sounds like she's having and hard time (and you are too!). To me, her behavior sounds a little outside the realms of what's expected for her age. Meaning, it's worthwhile to have her evaluated by a child psychologist and / or neuropsychiatrist. It does sound like there is something going on, but you won't be able to get to the bottom of it without some professional evaluation. Once you have her evaluated, they can then help you help her!

imasinger

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 1:17 pm

You might benefit from learning more details about effective, meaningful praise.

It sounds like she feels like her perspective on life is not often validated.

I also wonder if she is a bit perfectionist, so that the language of your praise feels "off" to her.

Try, "I see you worked really hard on your homework. That must have taken a lot of self control, when you didn't feel like it." (Praising effort more than result, recognizing the challenge involved).

Try, "It's not easy to clean up your room when you liked it better the other way. After Shabbos, I won't ask you to clean it again until just before bed." (Praising the fact that she did something against her will, recognizing that her viewpoint is different from yours, and modeling flexibility).

Try, "I see you choosing the red marker now. I like the way that looks. I wonder what color you will choose next." (Pure observation, sending message that what she chooses is valuable because it's her choice, she is worthy of attention and praise even/especially when not necessarily doing something for you.)

Try, "I hear that you didn't like XYZ at the park. Do you think we shouldn't go back there next time?" (Validating her complaint, giving her the space to weigh the good and the bad, and decide for herself).