Deleted | Imamother

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:21 am

Think of it this way: if not for your grandparents, you wouldn't be here.
Don't you think that should put things in a new perspective?

(There's nothing wrong with not naming after family. But being "resentful" at the situation when if not for your grandparents you wouldn't even be here, let alone be pregnant- it just sounds wrong.)

gold21

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:26 am

You make it sound like your brother did something wrong. Lol.

Family-obligation names go beyond the obligation, you should try to understand that it is an honor and privilege to name a child after a loved one whose middos you admired.

Perhaps the people you know who are just choosing cute names don't have anyone in the family that they felt close to, or whose middos they admired, to name after. Who knows.

You can maybe use the name-after name as a first name and add a cute second name, and then decide what to call the child later.

B'shaah Tovah.

gold21

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:27 am

allthingsblue wrote:

Totally

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:31 am

I am one of those name your kid what your want.

I choose a name for my oldest out of "obligation" she is now 6. I still dislike the name and dislike then nicknames that come with it even more. I wish wish wish I would not have chosen a name I dislike so much.

Yes for some people it grows. And for some people it never does and you ARE resentful.

Name what you want please! Give a middle (or third ) name of the actual name (not changed) that way the child can choose to go by it later if they wish and it carries on the actual name.

The PARENTS are the ones who are suppose to name a child and the pressure from grandparents and other family is horrible!

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:34 am

I hear you. Name pressure is just so awful, whomever it's coming from. On the flip side, please don't come to resent your brother. I'm the oldest, married to an oldest, and it feels like it's taking forever for our siblings to marry and have kids. We have all the pressure on us to name for everybody who's passed away in the last 15 years since my youngest sibling was born, and dh's youngest sibling is older than that. I have names personally meaningful to me, too- why should I be solely responsible for commemorating 10 different relatives, when beH there will be many babies born to my siblings too?

As to not caring for a name, would they be insulted if you give a related name but not precisely the same?

gold21

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:38 am

amother wrote:

Her parents are not pressuring her. I agree with you that pressure is unfair, but since it's not applicable in this case, why reference it?

I'm confused as to why one would feel resentful for choosing to name after a loved one. It's an honor and a privilege.

gold21

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:40 am

amother wrote:

Why 10 names?

Other than your grandparents, who would you name after?

Don't forget that it is an honor and a privilege to name after a loved one- you are lucky to be in this position, not unlucky. BH.

Last edited by gold21 on Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:49 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:42 am

probably you can make up a nice nickname and start calling it only later on, when the nachas shepping will calm down.

To me it sounds like nobody is really trying to pressure her. My grandmother is that type who will never tell you what to do just cry into her pillow... which is pressure even though she doesnt want to pressure.

amother

Black

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:47 am

Op here. Maybe I'm just not used to posting on Ima mother, but it seems like some are these responses are a bit harsh (to me and other posters). I just wanted some validation of advice. Maybe it is not a situation that resonates with everyone but clearly it does to me which is why I posted. Also a few people feel I'm blaming my brother - totally not.. if you read my post I said although not directly his fault, the reality is that his situation placed additional pressure on me. What-I would be blaming him for having daughters?? Completely not the case.

odchai

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:02 am

This is always a very sensitive topic. My father died about 5 years ago and I thought I was finished having kids but really wanted one more so I could name after him. Gd answered my prayers and gave me a little boy and of course there was no question who he would be named after. The problem is my father was known by his Yiddish name and I was never crazy about the name so what became accepted in our family is to include the Hebrew name my father used mostly after he made Aliyah to Israel together with the Yiddish name. We are not 100% sure the Hebrew one was really my father's name. It's sort of the name he adopted when he moved to Israel. Anyway, we named our little boy both names (but mostly call him by the Hebrew one) still I am so, so, so happy that I have a child with my father's name. I speak to my son often about my father and feel such a connection to this little guy and I'm sure a lot has to do with the fact that he is named for him. I am proud to tell everyone what his name is and who he's named after. I never loved the name but I loved the person who was named it and now I'm crazy in love with my baby who shares it! In addition my son now has numerous cousins with the same name, and it's a profound comfort to see. At the end of the day you need to do what you feel is the right thing to do, you will grow to love the name, especially if you know it will bring your father joy.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:35 am

OP, I get that the naming issue is a huge pressure. There are many threads about it here, you are not the only one who's gone through this. Please don't feel guilty.

If you give us the names, would you like us to help you brainstorm? How can we support you?

Not directly related to your issue, but when I adopted DD I was a BT, and didn't know much about my family history. My DH (now ex) at the time is not Jewish, and he hated all of the names I was choosing, because he thought they sounded "weird". He wanted "normal, English names."

We finally settled on a Jewish name that seemed fairly easy to pronounce and remember. A few years later I found Yad Vashem, and discovered that the name I chose was for my great grandmother, who was a Holocaust survivor! It gives me enormous comfort to know that Hashem was guiding me all along.

rowo

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:38 am

All my children are named after our grandparents or great-grandparents.
It was totally our choice and something that is very important and meaninglful to me.
They are not names that I would have chosen otherwise.
My oldest is nearly 10 and his name is still not on my favourites list. But the meaning and connection behind that name are so special.
His pride in being named after his great grandfather and the connection it gives him to his history are priceless.
I have a friend who likes to create new names for her children - let them create their own path and indentity. That's her choice and she has beautiful children.
But to me, such a large part of who we are is our background and where we come from. A name is (again, what I feel) a beautiful way of tapping into that and connecting our children and families with their heritage. We build on the stregnth of our past to grow into the future.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:41 am

Op I totally totally get you.

But I still think you should name after your grandmother/father.

You said you "were very close to" your grandparents. I really think it'll grow on you.

My grandfather, whom I loved but mostly knew in his olden days after a crippling stroke, had a name I didn't really like. I have lots of nephews and cousins named after him. The name is the most beautiful name to me now. It's not even my child and I love the name.

Same with my second dd. Her name is a very very typical name I don't really go for. But I love my grandma (dhs grandma) and so she carries her mothers name. I grew to love it becuase I love my child amd my grandma. And from what I've learned, my great grandma was an incredible woman with lots of faith and love and good middos. At first it felt like I'm calling her a very "foreign" name. It didn't connect. So I called her "baby" until she was old enough to smile and respond properly and the name stuck. If the name isn't ugly or you don't really hate it, I think go for it.

My first child was names after the woman I loved most in my life. My PDed mother and her family were putting insane pressure for me to name after her PDed mother and I stood my ground. I'm happy I did even though that grandmother had a beautiful name.
I very much believe that a name is connected to the shoresh neshama and my childs personality and temperament is so much like my grandmother (dad's mom). I pray that I bring her up to be the person she is supposed to be.

That's my two (or more Wink

) cents about if you should or shouldn't, that is entirely up to you.

But what I think would REALLY help you would be a few quiet minutes by youself. Look deep within youself, and listen to your gut. Can the name grow on you? Say the names loudly to youself and listen to yourself.

Bsha tova and a happy and healthy mommy and baby to you. May you see lots of nachas.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:50 am

If the name isn't weird and you don't actually hate it, then use it. There are very few things in life that children can do for their parents. Naming your children for their parents is one.

I have one of those horrible names that you rarely see outside tehillim lists. Obviously, I'm named for a great grandmother. I did not inflict a similar name on our oldest, despite knowing that it would make my parents happy. But I did give other kids names that weren't cute or trendy because those were family names. I drew the line at strange and ugly, and it worked.

essie14

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:03 am

Some people love naming for relatives and it makes them feel very connected to the deceased. Some people just can't get past a name they dislike and will not give that name no matter what. Naming a child is a very personal thing.

My grandmother is a Holocaust survivor. My mother and her brothers got a lot of pressure to name for her relatives. Thankfully my mom did not dislike the name she gave me (my grandmother's sister) or the name she gave my brother. and thankfully my grandmother understood that my father also should get some children named for his side Smile

I know many people who change a name -- either from male to female, or from Yiddish to Hebrew (Yenta to Adina, Velvel to Zev), or to something with the same meaning (Shoshana to Vered), or a name that starts with the same letter or sounds similar. I also know many people who say "Bubby's main quality was gentleness so we named our daughter Neima" or "His name is Chaim because Zaidy loved life"
In my family/circles these are all acceptable.
If this is OK with you, you can consider it.

I would not advise giving a name you dislike, but that is my personal preference.

Teomima

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:19 am

We named all our kids, first and middle names, after relatives. But for us it was most important to follow the meaning of the name, vs the actual name itself. So, for example, for dh's grandmother, her name meant Joy in Yiddish (Freida), so we considered Simcha, Rona, Gila, etc. We've also changed the gender of names (Menachem -> Nechama/Menucha).

But I get it that not everyone is comfortable with making these changes.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:25 am

Honestly I'd take your brother/SIL totally out of the equation. Your SIL did not have nevuah when she had her oldest, that 3 girls would follow whom she would not be able to name after her husband's grandmother because she has the same name; she just had her first baby and had the right to choose to name him on her side. Maybe she figured that she'd give her husband's grandfather's name next, but she had girls following. Whatever, it's not your business. It is what it is, and not their fault.

Whether you want to honor your father with this name or choose a name you like is your personal struggle (and your DH's).

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:21 am

We were in very similar situations. Each time we gave the exact family name and found a nickname that we liked. e.g. Eliyahu-->Ali . Yaakov Zelig--> Koby. Michal--Kelly. We did get flak for the nicknames, but I'm still happy. My family has a beautiful continuity and part of my children's identity is that their Jewish name is in memory of a special grandparent. I really like their nicknames so I don't feel like I compromised.