No gift after birth

amother

Magenta

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:44 am

I ask you all to please help me without placing judgement on the parties involved. please try to answer this question in a vaccum. if you have any issues with the premise of this question you are more than welcome to start a s/o.

I am the oldest. My father is financially and emotionally controlling and abusive.
My Brother and SIL just had a baby and my parents bought them a very very simple gift from a cheap department store.
To be honest, they did the same when I gave birth. but I have trained myself to appreciate whatever comes from them and was very gratefull. I never expected more.
My SIL, in the other hand, seems to have taken it really hard.
Her father approached my DH today and asked if he could transfer through him a certain amount of money with which my parents can buy a gift.

Between you and me, my parents are well to do. so this is not the solution. (its actually her parents that are quite poor)
I think (although I am not sure since I have no experience) that the norm in my community is to buy the couple a stroller or give them a sum of money after the birth of the first.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:55 am

It doesnt sound like your opinion really would change the situation. But my gut reaction is that this is a bad precedent to start with for a financially abusive man. He now has an easier system how not to pay for anything and I can see him taking full advantage of it. I understand sil father wanting to protect his daufghter and give what he feels she deserves, but it will probably come at a very great cost to him ultimately.

ange

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:00 am

Agree. Bad precedent. Let's not even participate in this charade. Her father wants to protect his daughter but the truth is, these are the in laws she married into and the sooner she learns how to deal with it the better off she is.

shyshira

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:01 am

Its hard to answer a question that you didn't ask....without a question you are just leading us to comment on the situation... if I had to guess the question, it would be "WWYD?"... I would talk to my brother. Its his place to explain the dynamics of your family to your SIL, this is a life long situation. If you have the means,and the desire - purchase a stroller for your brother and SIL - but it should be a gift from you and your DH, not your parents.

amother

Gray

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:13 am

I am also yeshivish, but more OOT. My in laws gave us NOTHING after our first baby was born, or any subsequent baby. My parents dusted off their old baby things and offered them to us, and let us move in for 2 weeks (I had a c section). They did once (not my first) offer to help cover some bris costs - like I said it was ONCE.

So, number 1: No one should be so hung up on gifts that they get UPSET if they don't come. There is no rule how it is done, and these expectations do NO GOOD to anyone!!

number 2: She has to know how her FIL is from the beginning. The sooner she knows and understands, the better. Ask your brother to enlighten her. He should soften the blow by making up for it himself - by being very loving to her and baby, very very helpful, and buying her a nice gift FROM HIMSELF. I have been able to get over certain hardships in my husband's family because he makes up for it by being so wonderful himself. Without that, the issues in his family would be SO MUCH HARDER for me.

Notsobusy

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:27 am

I agree with the previous posters. Your sil has to learn that there are no rules, everybody does things differently and it's easier to be happy when you no expectations. And her father has to stop protecting her, she's an adult, she's a parent now, he has to treat her like an adult. In the long run protecting her is going to hurt her more than it's helping right now.

Your father being abusive is really not the main issue here, many really nice people don't give their children baby gifts. By my first my ils gave us a pack of undershirts, not because they're abusive, they just don't believe in "rules". The sooner your sil grows up and understands that, the sooner they will be a happy, healthy family.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:04 am

glutenless wrote:

This.

Once you're an adult, there's no longer such a thing as having a "financially .... controlling and abusive" parent. You're on your own. Your parents have no obligation to give you anything, including gifts. It may not be nice, but its not abusive.

essie14

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:21 am

glutenless wrote:

Agree. Your SIL is not a child who needs to be coddled. If her in-laws don't want to get her a gift, she should accept it. She doesn't need her Daddy pretending that the money he gave went to a gift that seems to come from the in-laws.
My in-laws are more generous than my parents - have been since day 1. My DH could care less. He appreciates that his parents buy me gifts (so he's off the hook ;-) ) and he appreciates that they buy our children gifts. He has zero expectations from my parents.
I actually have zero expectations from his parents as well. Whatever they choose to give us or the kids is accepted lovingly and thanked immensely for.

amother

Denim

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:26 am

I imagine you come from a more Heimishe/Chasidish background. Where giving a stroller (bugaboo/stokke) to boot is the norm. Its very hard when a new parent doesn't get the basic necessities from parents that are doing well off. But your husband has nothing to do with it. If your SIL needs a stroller she should buy one for $200. What can you do? You don't have to pay the price of your fathers abuse. I'm sure you suffered enough from his abuse. I would maybe give my maaser money to them so they can buy basics. Mazal tov on the new addition to the family.

amother

Denim

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:29 am

SixOfWands wrote:

Financial abuse can happen when you are an adult. My friends FIL is a multi millionaire and he tells her that her 6 month old baby can not wear a tank top, its not tznius. Or when his DIL dressed less frum than his wife (but still halachicly appropriate) he threw the couple out of their apartment he bought them.
An adult can be controlled by someone with money.

amother

Lime

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

Basics do not include a bugaboo, stokke or any high end stroller. No one NEEDS it. Therefore maaser does not come into play. If she can afford a $200 graco then she should buy that. On her own. Without expecting anything from anyone. I got help from my parents and in laws (bris, some absolute basics like a Graco stroller) but I didn't expect any of it and thanked them immensely for every little thing.

amother

Silver

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:08 am

amother wrote:

Only if you let them.
The way you aren't controlled by someone who has money is by being financially independent. You don't live in homes they by you or use their credit card to by yourself or children clothing.
There is no such thing as a free lunch is true even when married, when someone gives lots of money they feel they can expect to have a say.

essie14

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:17 am

amother wrote:

Not if you are financially independent.

A FIL can say whatever he wants but if he doesn't pay for the children's clothing then it's none of his business, no matter how wealthy he is. Pay your own rent and then no one can throw you out of the apartment you are living in.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:53 am

essie14 wrote:

This. I have a close relative whose FIL is a multi-millionare. He gives 20K in discretionary spending money annually to those children who are on his good side, who do what he wants. This relative does not need his money (though they are no where near that wealthy) and they live their own life, without dancing to his tune. They would rather live a more simple lifestyle, according to their own means, than be puppets.

observer

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 12:23 pm

momofone613 wrote:

Who said a gift was mandatory? To get upset over not receiving a gift after birth of a child is a foreign concept to me...

Same here. In my circles there is no norm or expectation for parents to give a baby gift.

lucky14

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 2:22 pm

glutenless wrote:

I also agree with this response. Her parents can buy her the stroller or whatever other big gift she was expecting. And if it wasn't about the gift, but about the expectation.. then she has to get over it, that's just something she has to work on.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 3:24 pm

I agree with the posters above.
But if your sister-in-law is having any postpartum difficulty after birth and this will throw her over the edge then discuss having her own parents gift the stroller or maybe it should come from your brother to his wife, so she knows it's not from the ILs but doesn't become a basket case. Later on when she's doing better it can be discussed honestly and she can come to terms with it then.

sourstix

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 7:17 pm

what doe s it mean to think of this in a vacuum? im gonna answer the question you asked. and if its insulting then please disregard bec I dont know what the vacuum is here.

why does she think he owes her anything? noone owes her anything. she is immature.