No gift after birth

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

No gift after birth

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flowerpower

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 7:46 pm

I understand the sil in some ways. It's her first kid. She is allowed to expect something from parents/ in laws. It's her time to get some attention and to be pampered. It has little to do with acting like a baby. Most of the responses seem a little cold. Sorry to say that. It would be helpful if sil is realistic a bit and should know not to expect much though. Not every parent is generous and giving.

gold21

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 1:42 am

true, parents are not OBLIGATED to purchase a token baby gift for the first child of their adult children.

then again, children are not OBLIGATED to send pictures of the kids, or to call with cute anecdotes, or to stop by when they are in town.....

if one is cold to their adult children, they can expect a cold relationship. not everything is about obligation, some things are about the expression of love. gosh, buy the baby a warm blanket, or a cute outfit, or a pacifier clip- it doesnt have to be expensive- it just has to express warmth.

amother

Salmon

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 2:25 am

All this has inspired me to send my FIL an email thanking him (again) for DD's stroller (she's 18 months today KH). We both still use it in good health! .

Iymnok

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 4:11 am

It never occurred to my parents to get me anything when I had a baby.
It would be nice, but totally not expected.

notshanarishona

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 7:03 am

I know many people, myself included , who have normal inlaws and they did not buy a baby present. The present was their presence at my simcha and helping out a little .

watergirl

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 7:58 am

amother wrote:

I ask you all to please help me without placing judgement on the parties involved. please try to answer this question in a vaccum. if you have any issues with the premise of this question you are more than welcome to start a s/o.

I am the oldest. My father is financially and emotionally controlling and abusive.
My Brother and SIL just had a baby and my parents bought them a very very simple gift from a cheap department store.
To be honest, they did the same when I gave birth. but I have trained myself to appreciate whatever comes from them and was very gratefull. I never expected more.
My SIL, in the other hand, seems to have taken it really hard.
Her father approached my DH today and asked if he could transfer through him a certain amount of money with which my parents can buy a gift.

Between you and me, my parents are well to do. so this is not the solution. (its actually her parents that are quite poor)
I think (although I am not sure since I have no experience) that the norm in my community is to buy the couple a stroller or give them a sum of money after the birth of the first.

Firstly, I dont know if you are even reading these posts because you have not popped your head back in, but I will add my thoughts anyways.

Read the bolded sentences. You can not ask us to answer in a vacuum, and then tell us what is the norm in a community. Thats a whole different type of vacuum.

I am a bit confused by your post. Your brothers wife's FATHER asked your HUSBAND if you would give him money from your own account, right to him, and he would buy a gift and pass it off as if it was from your parents? Is that how you intended this to read? If so, why would you even bother transferring the money to him, when you could just order the gift and forge a card yourself?

Look, we all (I think) have given a gift on someone else's behalf before. I call my sister a few times a year and say "So if dad thanks you for the gift, play along. I sent him xyz and put your name on it". But what you are saying (if I am reading it correctly) is really bizarre since your brothers FIL is meddling in this. He is the one who is wrong here, not anyone else.

And re: the norms in your community (I am getting on my soap box - stop reading if you aren't interested) - this is what happens when we start with giving each child the same things from a young age. Read any thread on this forum - it starts with the teachers telling the parents to buy those ridiculous Ventinnis. Same head bands. Same school bags. Kallah gifts go insane and how many women on here come crying because they cant afford the "basics" and everyone tells her that she cant embarrass the kallah and she has to have what she has every right to expect. So now this is what you are left with. Parents can not be expected to do anything other than to provide a safe environment in which the children can grow up; food, water, clothing, and love (if you are fortunate to be born into a loving, healthy family).

watergirl

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 8:03 am

gold21 wrote:

true, parents are not OBLIGATED to purchase a token baby gift for the first child of their adult children.

then again, children are not OBLIGATED to send pictures of the kids, or to call with cute anecdotes, or to stop by when they are in town.....

if one is cold to their adult children, they can expect a cold relationship. not everything is about obligation, some things are about the expression of love. gosh, buy the baby a warm blanket, or a cute outfit, or a pacifier clip- it doesn't have to be expensive- it just has to express warmth.

You do know that gifts can be offered from a cold, heartless place, dont you? How many gifts are given because its expected and a community norm? See my rant below. My ex mil gave a pack of onsies, Gerber brand, for my first baby. She is a multi millionaire. She is not a gift giver, its just not her. But she is warm and loving and good and kind.

If you are not currently reading the mishpacha serial story, I forgot the name, but the main character's mother gives gifts galore and they come from an empty place. Read it.

Access to grandchildren, to nachas from them and to a relationship with them should never be held hostage from someone who is so self entitled that they think its a give and take relationship.

gold21

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 8:47 am

watergirl wrote:

I'll have to disagree with you.

I'm so NOT into the book about the five love languages and which type each person responds to, like I'm so not into it that I can't even think of the name of the book lol, but Receiving Gifts is one of the five languages.

To some people, a gift is an expression of love. (No, not to me personally. In fact, I'm not sure that my parents got me a baby gift, now that I think about it LOL

. And it didn't bother me. My sisters bought me a bunch of awesome stuff. Tongue Out

) So, yes, to avoid friction with ones adult child, go spend 20 dollars and buy something for the baby. And I say this as someone who does not attach that much importance to gifts (that's definitely not my Love Language!) But I think that I can see objectively why it is a wise thing for a parent to do, to avoid bad feelings. For a parent to say "no, I'm not gonna buy you a gift, and if you have a problem with that, and feel hurt by that, you're a self centered brat"- well, that's very rude. Not a good move, especially with a daughter in law.

So, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Gifts out of obligation due to community expectations- obviously not the best type of gift- but the solution is not to refrain from gift giving altogether.

Last edited by gold21 on Tue, Jan 24 2017, 9:03 am; edited 1 time in total

lucky14

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 8:57 am

watergirl wrote:

I am a bit confused by your post. Your brothers wife's FATHER asked your HUSBAND if you would give him money from your own account, right to him, and he would buy a gift and pass it off as if it was from your parents? Is that how you intended this to read? If so, why would you even bother transferring the money to him, when you could just order the gift and forge a card yourself?

I believe she was saying that her SIL's father wanted to give money to her (the poster's) husband to use to buy a gift "from" the in-laws.

Notsobusy

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 9:16 am

gold21 wrote:

The op wrote that they gave a simple gift, even if they didn't the girls father is wrong here. She has to come to terms with who her in-laws are, whether they're actually abusive or just not into giving gifts, this is her life now and playing games isn't going to change anything in the long run.

gold21

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 9:42 am

glutenless wrote:

I don't disagree about her father mixing in.

I'm merely commenting that from her in-laws side of things, skipping a gift is a pretty bad idea if they want to have a good relationship with their adult children.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 1:28 pm

gold21 wrote:

Op said the parents gave a gift but it was presumably not on par with a bugaboo. Can they still have a good relationship?

gold21

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 1:42 pm

amother wrote:

Op said the parents gave a gift but it was presumably not on par with a bugaboo. Can they still have a good relationship?

Are you being facetious?

Anyway, I didn't realize, I took the thread title ("NO baby gift") at face value, and then skimmed the OP.

So they did get a gift....

Hmmm.

So what is your sister in law getting all worked up about then, OP?

I don't get it.

greenfire

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 3:06 pm

her father should butt out how does one go about getting a gift & trying to change your father by paying him off and/or pretending it's from him ... your brother & his wife have nothing owed to them from anybody, anywhere

life is too short - they should enjoy the baby & create a better life for their own children [wishes are free of charge]

sourstix

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 3:16 pm

[quote="amother"]Financial abuse can happen when you are an adult. My friends FIL is a multi millionaire and he tells her that her 6 month old baby can not wear a tank top, its not tznius. Or when his DIL dressed less frum than his wife (but still halachicly appropriate) he threw the couple out of their apartment he bought them.
An adult can be controlled by someone with money.[/quote]

It's painful, nut maybe it's a chance to build yourself up and be an adult that doesn't rely on others. That's how it should be. I'm not saying this father is remotely normal, but I'm saying something sweet can come out of it.

sourstix

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 3:24 pm

Gold21 do you not realize how wrong you are by not having a relationship with parents because of gifts? Is the relationship all about gifts? You would dump your parents or in laws because of no gifts? Gosh. There is so much more then gifts. I will take gifts but I want the personal relationship. Unfit my parents don't gift a lot and can afford it but it's their relationship I don't have that bothers me more.

Let's just say she's a very very difficult person.

gold21

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 3:54 pm

sourstix wrote:

Sourstix do you realize how wrong you are to assume things about me and attack me for things I never said? Is it so hard to read what I actually wrote? Gosh. There is so much more to life than personal attacks. Wink

P.S. I specifically said that I didn't get a baby gift from my parents and that it was not an issue for me. But that's me and my relationship with my parents, which does not depend on gifts, B"H.

However, as a general rule, if one would like to keep a good relationship with an adult child, particularly with a daughter in law, it's always better to err on the side of generosity and steer clear of potential hurt feelings. (From the daughter or daughter in law's perspective, there's no need to feel entitled to anything. But my comments were directed at parents of adult children, not at adult children.)

amother

Magenta

Wed, Jan 25 2017, 5:32 am

op here. thanks for your replies.
I just have to clarify a couple points
1) My SIL is not expected any gift specifically. Def. not a bugaboo. She probably does not even know what that is.
The least she was expecting was something in the 50$ range to get them started off. Something of more substance than a strechy. what she got was much much less so I assume she really felt punched in the stomache.
2) When I prefaced my post by asking to answer this in a vaccum. I meant that I am not getting into the discussion of the damage in having community norms. Rather take it as a given that this is a norm and my SIL feels hurt that she did not get it.
Realize that no matter what community you are from there is always some sort of norm(I don't only mean childbirth gifts), and when parents withhold it, it might be hurtful.
(a knapsack for school, getting married in a hall, having a certain kind of clothing as a teen...
if you think about YOUR community I am sure you will think of things that are considered standard for parents to provide)
3) I tottaly agree with all of you who live by the motto of 'nobody owes me anything'. B"H we have built our home on that motto. we struggle financially but at least we know that with the help of the almighty we will stand on our own feet.
This SIL is defenitely less mature in this sense.
4) Some of you compared this situation with your own parents. And deducted that if normal parents don't give gifts sometimes either, there is no reason to get hurt.
It is obvious that you have not dealt with financially abusive parents, defenetely not rich financially abusive parents.
Count your blessings every day that your parents are just 'normal' and realize that normal looking behavior from a disfunctional/abusive parent is not 'normal' at all

sourstix

Wed, Jan 25 2017, 7:30 am

Op anytime you come with expectations your bound to look like your SIL. Do you see why? And how immature this is? This is her first child. She will learn a lot. She must or it won't be good.

When were that young we think the world owes us something. Entitlement. As parents we need to teach our kids on the contrary. That everything we get is a gift. When we don't. We fail to teach them this. And this is the result.

It's so upsetting to see someone married with this attitude.

Remember no one owes you anything.

This has nothing with a parent being financial abusive. Parents aren't mechuyav to give us anything after marriage. If they promised and don't deliver then that's a different story. But then again I would never go by that. I would never rely on my parents. It's foolish. Immature. Jmho.

If you were old enough to decide whom to marry then you need to support yourself. There's nothing wrong with parents helping. But coming with expectations is what gives this whole new problem.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Jan 25 2017, 7:41 am

gold21 wrote:

Completely agree. To me it's not about the gift. It just shows that something is lacking. Why would parents not want to give their new grandchild a gift? If you can only afford $5, then give that. If you are super wealthy and give a $5 gift, to me that's a pretty sure sign of dysfunction. Can't say it would be dysfunction in every case, but chances are pretty high.

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