How not to ask for favors |:-(

salt

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 6:04 am

I think this OP might be the neighbor who was hurt from yesterday's thread about that OP having hurt her neighbor doing something the rabbi told her to.

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....ogize

cozyblanket

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 7:08 am

Iymnok wrote:

With the eruv example, dh is machmir on eiruv. He does not believe in forcing chumros on his family. So I use the eruv, I push the stroller. He will put his Tallis, hat, whatever in it. But that's because he knows it's a chumra. If he thought it was the Halacha, he would not want to be machshil me.

The same should apply across the board.

Just wondering, can I ask?
If you are tired and are not able to push the stroller or you are just needing someone else to take a turn, does he do that to help? It can be hard for you just by him never pushing the stroller, even if he doesn't force the chumrah on you, no?

Iymnok

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 7:52 am

cozyblanket wrote:

It usually doesn't come up since he holds by the eruv in our neighborhood and I prefer to push. If it came up, I guess one of the kids could. I don't know. Even during the week I'm the one pushing.

octopus

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 8:15 am

Iymnok wrote:

If he is putting his tallis and hat in the stroller, he is still using the eruv. I don't get the thinking in that. Either you use the eiruv or you don't. There are not cheats.

Raisin

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 8:25 am

octopus wrote:

If he is putting his tallis and hat in the stroller, he is still using the eruv. I don't get the thinking in that. Either you use the eiruv or you don't. There are not cheats.

I think it is pretty common for people to do this. Most men can manage fine on shabbos without an eruv, as can a woman with a walking child. My husband leaves his tallis in shul and brings it home after shabbos, or he can wear it.

ora_43

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 1:06 pm

Raisin wrote:

I guess that depends on why you don't use the eruv. If its because you don't think it is halachically acceptable, then no. If it is just as a geder - ie you think the eruv is good, but you don't want to use it in case it falls down and you don't know, I guess that is different.

Also sometimes there are different minhagim. Like, say, Sephardim putting food straight on the plata on Shabbat, Ashkenazim not. Some chassidic groups have strict minhagim re: eruv but they might keep it because it's minhag, not because they think it's halacha.

I'd be fine with someone asking me to do something that their minhagim don't allow but mine do. IMO totally different from the examples of internet and such.

amother

Brown

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 2:08 pm

My husband does not open bottles on shabbos. Not because his Rabbi holds its assur, but because he was once eating at a big posek's house and someone opened a bottle at the posek told him off. He felt that since he was there, he should be machmir on this. He would not ask someone to open the bottle for him, but the members of my family, (who do open bottles) find it annoying and would rather him ask. Usually what happens is he starts using a knife to destroy the cap and one of my family members yells at him to stop and "just ask me" etc. All while Rolling Eyes

Cmon be nice

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 2:19 pm

[quote="amother"]My husband does not open bottles on shabbos. Not because his Rabbi holds its assur, but because he was once eating at a big posek's house and someone opened a bottle at the posek told him off. He felt that since he was there, he should be machmir on this.

The posek told him off, in front of everyone at the table? If he was so machmir, why did he have an unopened bottle at the table? (I guess Im asking 2 things that are connected)?

lifesagift

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 2:21 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

I had a neighbor ask me if DH was home, since she needed her couch to be moved and didn't want to ask her Chashuv kollel husband to do such menial work. I answered " Sorry, DH is not home" even though he was. People can seriously be rude with the "best" intentions. Or at least in their farkrumte mind it's the best of intentions.

Ok this sounds 😑 but is it possible that she didn't want to do it with dh cuz of some monthly situation? She should've atleast said her husband isn't home tho in either case

amother

Azure

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 2:25 pm

amother wrote:

I was at someone's house and they don't open bottles. Yet they serve soda and seltzer etc and don't open them before shabbos so when their kids want a drink from a bottle that a guest didn't open guess who gets to open for them??
I was so mad!!! My dh heard from me for a while.
One thing at someone else's table but at your own???? And it wasn't a oops we forgot to open this week. This is what they do all the time.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 2:51 pm

amother wrote:

This reminds me of high school. Whenever there was any extra curricular activity we would try to arrange a neighborhood carpool. Over half the time my mother would end up driving. I once asked one of the girls who's mother NEVER drove if this time she can ask her mother. She answered, "I would never ask her. That's a lack of kibbud em". At wits end

We also had a neighbor who never ever drove (think twice the entire year and it was a huge big deal when she did...and she had 2 kids in the school) her reason: she worked the hardest....she worked part time as a morah. My mother worked FULL time think 8 am to 8pm lots of nights but made sure to fit in carpool. (She works for herself and went back after supper most nights to the office)

tryinghard

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 3:07 pm

cozyblanket wrote:

My DH does the same, but when it's difficult for me he absolutely does it. It's just when it makes no real difference to me.

Our Rav, btw, holds the same way - but he would personally push his mother's wheelchair to his house for Shabbos meals, never asking anyone else to do it.

thunderstorm

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 3:22 pm

lifesagift wrote:

Ok this sounds 😑 but is it possible that she didn't want to do it with dh cuz of some monthly situation? She should've atleast said her husband isn't home tho in either case

No. She's asked for such favors in the past. It's ok I got used to such people.

She actually wanted my DH and her cleaning lady to do it and her DH was home , I saw him there. Whatever. Each to his own

SixOfWands

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 3:39 pm

lifesagift wrote:

Ok this sounds 😑 but is it possible that she didn't want to do it with dh cuz of some monthly situation? She should've atleast said her husband isn't home tho in either case

You mean that she was nidda, so she didn't want to ask her husband to pick up one end of a couch while she picked up the other, but she would have been fine with someone ELSE's husband?

amother

Silver

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 4:50 pm

sixofwands- that's the halacha. I can't shlep with my husband but I can with someone else, I can't pass something to my husband but I can to someone else. I'm not saying it's not awkward but it is muttar so if you are desperate. Usually though the case would be that the husband would find another guy instead of his wife which doesn't work with the current story.
I happen to find the shlepping a really annoying harchaka. One month my dh said to me so after you come back from the mikvah later this week we will move x upstairs. My husband's handy so passing stuff with him, moving stuff with him is all very normal when I'm tahor.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 4:53 pm

A relative of mine once came over every single day for a few weeks to use my computer and internet for 2 hours. It was a big hassle for me, and she only asked the first time, then just kept coming. Normally I would have told her no or been more assertive, but I was going through a lot and decided to let it slide.

One day after spending hours on my computer, she starts mocking me for needing a computer at home and spending so much time on it. (I do freelance computer work, btw.) She went on and on about how she decided not to have the internet at home and she's managing just fine.

I couldn't say anything, I was so furious. Though in retrospect it's humorous ironic.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 5:12 pm

[quote="amother"]sixofwands- that's the halacha. I can't shlep with my husband but I can with someone else,

I dont suppose you mean that literally Smile

Carmen Luna

Thu, Jan 26 2017, 11:16 pm

Dh and I were once in the car, when we gave a young Rebbishe women a hitch from Boro Park to Flatbush.
We got into a discussion about the difficulty of not driving, when she made the following comment "We don't believe in driving, because we're not Baal Agulas"
DH turned around and quipped "Then I guess I'm Velvel the Baal Agula to you"..