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How do you handle when your kids are mean to you?
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 3:19 pm
I have three kids ages 2-8. TG they are all adorable and we enjoy them very much. Today we did a fun activity that made them very tired. The entire afternoon they have been difficult. Everything I tell them to do, they refuse. Everything I say, they contradict. Every time I tell them no, they cry and scream and go on and on.

I grew up with parents who were emotionally abusive. Maybe I am unusually sensitive. But it really feels like I am in an abusive relationship. I have just spent six solid hours being yelled at, contradicted, and put down. Of course I know that this is perfectly normal behavior and these are my sweet little kids, but it doesn't seem to make a difference to how I feel. It is really destroying me to be treated like this all the time. Not all days are like this but too many.

How do you deal emotionally with mean behavior from your kids? I'm not talking about how to make them behave better, I think I'm dealing with that well, but the way it makes you feel. Or am I the only one who is affected so badly by this?
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 3:58 pm
amother wrote:
I have three kids ages 2-8. TG they are all adorable and we enjoy them very much. Today we did a fun activity that made them very tired. The entire afternoon they have been difficult. Everything I tell them to do, they refuse. Everything I say, they contradict. Every time I tell them no, they cry and scream and go on and on.

I grew up with parents who were emotionally abusive. Maybe I am unusually sensitive. But it really feels like I am in an abusive relationship. I have just spent six solid hours being yelled at, contradicted, and put down. Of course I know that this is perfectly normal behavior and these are my sweet little kids, but it doesn't seem to make a difference to how I feel. It is really destroying me to be treated like this all the time. Not all days are like this but too many.

How do you deal emotionally with mean behavior from your kids? I'm not talking about how to make them behave better, I think I'm dealing with that well, but the way it makes you feel. Or am I the only one who is affected so badly by this?


No- it's not normal behavior . 8 year old children (and younger) should know better than that and have a concept of derech eretz.

My kids are not perfect angels but they absolutely do not put me down and when they contradict they get a derech eretz reminder.
If they yell at me, there's a consequence (but it rarely happens ).
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 4:56 pm
I think you are interpreting them not listening to you as being mean. Firstly, know that it's not personal. Children tend to verbalize their frustrations on their parents. Some times my kids make snide comments such as "I don't like you" etc. and I just respond calmly " That's ok. It's ok for you to feel that you don't like me. But even if you don't like me I still like and love you ". I find such calm comments tend to shut them up quicker then if you fly off the handle and say " What did you just say? That is not respectful! Watch the way you talk to your mother!!!!" . They may have been feeding off the fact that them being "mean" to you bothered you. Perhaps you need to work through your insecurities from the past so that it does not impact your parenting. I know it's easier said then done. I too find I react to my kids sometimes based on my own insecurities so I could relate. Give yourself a hug, tomorrow will be a better and brighter day.
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baked ziti




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 5:56 pm
My 7 year old son is a wonderful, eager to please child who unleashes all of his frustrations on me. Like you, I also took his behavior personally and felt resentful . Then I watched a few lectures (in Yiddish) by a noted mechanech and my perspective really changed! He helped me realize that kids are exactly that - kids. They lack the maturity and emotional stamina to react to daily frustrations with grace, like adults are expected to, and they are usually not proud of that . I am an adult and should not feel threatened by a child who is simply vulnerable and not a developed human being. Addressing the chutzpah is definitely important but its a lot easier to address once we realize that its not a personal attack, rather a child experiencing an unpleasant feeling (frustration, tiredness, disappointment...) and not knowing how to deal with it.
Lots of luck! Hope this long post was helpful in some way Very Happy
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 5:58 pm
amother wrote:
I have three kids ages 2-8. TG they are all adorable and we enjoy them very much. Today we did a fun activity that made them very tired. The entire afternoon they have been difficult. Everything I tell them to do, they refuse. Everything I say, they contradict. Every time I tell them no, they cry and scream and go on and on.

I grew up with parents who were emotionally abusive. Maybe I am unusually sensitive. But it really feels like I am in an abusive relationship. I have just spent six solid hours being yelled at, contradicted, and put down. Of course I know that this is perfectly normal behavior and these are my sweet little kids, but it doesn't seem to make a difference to how I feel. It is really destroying me to be treated like this all the time. Not all days are like this but too many.

How do you deal emotionally with mean behavior from your kids? I'm not talking about how to make them behave better, I think I'm dealing with that well, but the way it makes you feel. Or am I the only one who is affected so badly by this?


OP, there is occasional, normal though hurtful behavior from our kids, and then there is out of control, way over the line of acceptable, behavior. And it's a little hard from your post to tell which is happening.

In the bolded, you lump together that they yell and contradict you, with that they put you down and make you feel abused. Yelling and contradicting is, imo, within the realm of normal (not to say it shouldn't be addressed). But put downs and abusive behavior should never be ok, imo.

In my house we have a strictly enforced rule that name calling, mimicking or other mean behavior is never tolerated--toward anyone, parents included.

As to your feelings. I was personally very influenced by the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and listen so kids will talk. The book says it's ok for our kids to know that their behavior impacts us and we're human. And it's good for them to see a model of acknowledging negative feelings.

For example: "When you called me ugly that really hurt my feelings. In this house there is no name calling. I need to leave the room now for a few minutes to calm down because I might end up yelling."

I highly recommend the book.

Also wanted to add, I agree with the above insightful responses as well.
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cinnabuns




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 8:54 pm
There is a book called liberated parents, liberated children- it's the book written before how to talk so kids will listen. I find it to be an easy, personable read, and funny and enjoyable.

Sarah Chana Radcliffe also wrote an amazing book and posts on Facebook excerpts from it, it's thorough and tells you step by step what to do and how to do damage control and constructivly build towards the future..
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 8:59 pm
I've never connected with Sara Chana Radcliffe's articles for some reason.

A 2 year old is very different than an 8 year old. If a 2, 3, 4 year old would throw a temper tantrum, I wouldn't think anything of it. It's normal behavior and usually a symptom of hunger, exhaustion, boredom....

If a 6, 7, 8 year old would throw a temper tantrum, I would express that certain behaviors are not acceptable, and that we have to treat the people around us with a certain level of respect. I would be firm about it. (I would also try to rule out hunger, exhaustion, and boredom though.)
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gibberish




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 9:37 pm
I have read in multiple parenting books that disciplining kids when they are hungry or tired will backfire and have seen that it's true. I would take care of their needs (get them home and ignore their comments) and possibly calmly and casually bring up the situation the next day. When bringing it up, you can say that their behavior was unacceptable and ask them for better ideas of how they can handle this type of situation next time.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2017, 9:41 pm
you have to train yourself not to take it personally. That's really the only way you can be calm and relaxed enough to discipline correctly for it.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2017, 4:32 am
First, make a list of which behaviors are absolutely not allowed. Ours is like this:
- No yelling at people
- No name calling
- No objective insults (e.g., they're not allowed to say 'you're dumb', but they are allowed to say 'I don't like you right now')
- No physical violence towards anyone (everything from hitting/kicking/biting to pinching and poking).

These rules hold for everyone in the house to everyone in the house. The kids know these rules.

So, sit down for yourself and make a list of behaviors that are considered not allowed, then review the list with your kids when they are calm. Ask them for input too. Then, tell them that if they do any of these things, then that means they are not behaving nicely to other people, and therefore have to be separated from people until they have calmed down. Tell them what each one's calm down place will be (make sure it's away from people), and that if they don't stay there, there will be a bigger consequence (tell them what it is beforehand - no TV, no dessert, etc). Tell them they can do whatever they want whe nthe calm down - it's not a punishment, just a way for them to improve their behavior - they can read, play, sing, listen to music with headphones, it doesn't matter (encourage them to stock the area with stuff beforehand). Tell them when they have calmed down, and are ready to apologize, they can come out (older ones might be able to do this themselves already, but the younger onese will catch on quickly, even my 3 year old can now tell us when she has calmed down).

Now, when they do one of the things on your list, tell them once (just once) in a neutral voice that 'yelling at others is not allowed and you need to calm down alone now' and send them (or take them) to the calm place. If they argue, kick, scream, or yell, on the way to the calm place or in the calm place, just don't say a word (another good reason why the calm place should be away from people). They need to stay in the calm place until they are no longer yelling, crying, screaming, insulting, or hitting, and they can not come out until they apologize to whoever they offended. If they can't stay in the calm place, put them back up to 3 times, each time telling them that the bigger consequence will be enforced if they can't stay. When they have calmed down, they can come out and apologize.

Anything that isn't on your list should be ignored by you. the more you react, the more they will do it. My daughter used to tell me 6 times a day that I wasn't her friend anymore, but after 2 weeks of my ignoring it, she stopped saying it. And now when she does say it, she usually comes back later and tells me she really does want to be friends.

It may take a few weeks until everyone really goes with this, but it works wonders. My 3 year old even takes herself to calm down without being told. And when she insults someone, she asks to makeup.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2017, 4:38 am
baked ziti wrote:
My 7 year old son is a wonderful, eager to please child who unleashes all of his frustrations on me. Like you, I also took his behavior personally and felt resentful . Then I watched a few lectures (in Yiddish) by a noted mechanech and my perspective really changed! He helped me realize that kids are exactly that - kids. They lack the maturity and emotional stamina to react to daily frustrations with grace, like adults are expected to, and they are usually not proud of that . I am an adult and should not feel threatened by a child who is simply vulnerable and not a developed human being. Addressing the chutzpah is definitely important but its a lot easier to address once we realize that its not a personal attack, rather a child experiencing an unpleasant feeling (frustration, tiredness, disappointment...) and not knowing how to deal with it.
Lots of luck! Hope this long post was helpful in some way Very Happy


Who was the lecturer?
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2017, 6:08 am
Wanted to add, when your kids are hurtful or mean, it's an opportunity to help them learn to express their feelings respectfully. Saying things like, I don't like you now, doesn’t help them express what’s really bothering them.

You can teach them the vocabulary of feelings.

And expressing feelings isn’t hurtful.

If your dc called you ugly, for example, that’s rude and hurtful. But if he instead told you he’s angry because you’re making him go to bed and his friends get to stay up later, that’s communicating.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2017, 6:39 am
I agree with Laiya - use these experiences as teachable moments. Use I (not you) statements to express how you feel, to model to them how to express how they feel, and also to teach them sensitivity.

I remember once, years ago, my kids walked in from school and of course, first thing they check out what's for supper. Oh chicken?! Again?!

I told them that Mommy works really hard to have a hot meal waiting for them when they come home, and it hurts my feelings to hear you speak that way. They backed down and apologized. They learned to say Thanks for Supper, and to express that they like certain suppers better than others, and to appreciate when I make the effort to accommodate them.

I also want to say that we have to look at our kids as a work in progress. They are not "there" yet and it's okay to give them space to be human. It's also okay to gently instruct them, but we have to keep in mind that they are still kids. Sometimes we can paraphrase what they should have said (did you mean to say, I had a rough day at school with Mrs. Strictness? instead of - I hate Mrs. Strictness!) to help give them a respectful vocabulary.
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wondergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2017, 6:55 am
amother wrote:
I have three kids ages 2-8. TG they are all adorable and we enjoy them very much. Today we did a fun activity that made them very tired. The entire afternoon they have been difficult. Everything I tell them to do, they refuse. Everything I say, they contradict. Every time I tell them no, they cry and scream and go on and on.

I grew up with parents who were emotionally abusive. Maybe I am unusually sensitive. But it really feels like I am in an abusive relationship. I have just spent six solid hours being yelled at, contradicted, and put down. Of course I know that this is perfectly normal behavior and these are my sweet little kids, but it doesn't seem to make a difference to how I feel. It is really destroying me to be treated like this all the time. Not all days are like this but too many.

How do you deal emotionally with mean behavior from your kids? I'm not talking about how to make them behave better, I think I'm dealing with that well, but the way it makes you feel. Or am I the only one who is affected so badly by this?


Pay attention to the bolded. Your kids were TIRED. What did you ask them to do that caused this reaction? Did they get to rest after this activity that made them tired? Did they eat and relax before doing anything else that was on the agenda that day? They are young and can't handle things like adults. If you see that they are tired then give them a break and let them just relax so they can have the strength to do other things.

It seems like they triggered you because they were not able to convey to you that they needed time to rest. Is this something that happened growing up, you were yelled at and not listened to if you needed something? Have you seen a therapist to help you deal with those feelings that come up if you get triggered by your kids because of your history of abuse? Maybe a couple of sessions with a family therapist could help all of you learn how to communicate with each other in an appropriate manner. Do you think that would be helpful?
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amother
Green


 

Post Sat, Jan 28 2017, 11:23 am
Hi. I'm also from an abusive childhood and I also used to take offense.
With a lot of inner work I've learned to detach myself and see it not as something that he's said and done against me but rather him airing his grievances.
My DS (age 8) kicked a chair on to his brothers head (by mistake) . I told him that his consequence was to tidy 100 things. (he was anyways supposed to be tidying)
He had a massive meltdown and was ranting and raving about how he hates me and I'm so mean etc etc.
I just calmly gave him a choice, either he goes to bed or he tidies those things. And I closed the door. He tried his luck and opened the door etc but I just calmly told him that one more time and it won't even be a choice...
He then calmly did even more than the 100 that I told him to!
He knew that it was fair. He knew that I was gonna stick it through!
I was so proud of myself for staying so calm. Previously I would have long blown up. I would have screamed, I would have smacked etc etc. We would have both been so frustrated with nothing gained and loads of threats given.
I then praised him and gave him something nice etc for tidying up. (that's what we always do for tidying in our house)
When he was calmer, I then told him that when he talks like that, he makes me upset and I expect an apology from him.
He is not agreeing to apologise until I do coz I 'made' him tidy up when I know he hates tidying...
Any advise? Should I force an apology or just leave it to blow over?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 10:55 am
I wouldn't tolerate "I don't like you right now". That's onaas devarim and/or manipulation.

I tell them I only listen to non yelling, and if they go on we can go home instead.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 12:47 pm
Thank you all for your posts. To clarify, I'm quite sure this is normal behavior. Like I said, they were tired, and most of the time they are very well behaved. I'm also very confident in my parenting, I read books and articles all the time and do a lot of the things mentioned here, I am calm and consistent and give them choices, clear consequences, and offer guidance on rephrasing hurtful words.

The problem is that all this adds up to a lot of emotional labor that ends up being very hard for me. I absolutely know that I shouldn't take it personally, but even when a one year old baby SCREAMS because I'm not feeding her fast enough, I still get a bit of the emotional reaction I would get if any random person screamed at me. Like I said, I know I'm probably abnormally sensitive.

For those who said "train yourself not to take it personally", do you have any tips on how to do this?
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 1:21 pm
You do sound quite sensitive, and you are not alone in that!

I would recommend though, that the best way to help yourself not take it so personally and better deal with the emotional burden, is to see a psychologist. Sometimes, because of the circumstances we grew up in or that we find ourselves in now, we lack the tools to not take everything so personally and to regular our own emotions when others' emotions are running high. A good therapist will teach you the tools for this. It has helped me SOOOO much.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:35 pm
amother wrote:
Thank you all for your posts. To clarify, I'm quite sure this is normal behavior. Like I said, they were tired, and most of the time they are very well behaved. I'm also very confident in my parenting, I read books and articles all the time and do a lot of the things mentioned here, I am calm and consistent and give them choices, clear consequences, and offer guidance on rephrasing hurtful words.

The problem is that all this adds up to a lot of emotional labor that ends up being very hard for me. I absolutely know that I shouldn't take it personally, but even when a one year old baby SCREAMS because I'm not feeding her fast enough, I still get a bit of the emotional reaction I would get if any random person screamed at me. Like I said, I know I'm probably abnormally sensitive.

For those who said "train yourself not to take it personally", do you have any tips on how to do this?


You sound like a great mom. Is there something that you are telling yourself about the situation, that makes you feel hurt? If you're telling yourself that your baby is crying because you're not a good mother or she's unhappy with you as a parent, you can try to change those thoughts.

What helped me was learning about child development, and understanding their limitations. Then, in the situation, I would try to remind myself of their point of view.

So while the baby is yelling at you, maybe try to tell yourself, She's telling me that she's hungry and frustrated that she has to wait to eat. And, since she doesn't have a concept of time, the one minute that she has to wait feels like forever. And, since she thinks I can magically fulfill her every need, she's frustrated that I haven't done it yet.

Hth.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:47 pm
Op I think you sound like a great mother! Just wanted to give you hizuk. It's not was easy and you did so well for so many hours!!
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