Daughters weight. How not to shame.

Iamamother2

Sun, Jan 29 2017, 9:35 pm

I am looking for some advice/support on how to deal with this in a healthy way. My daughter is 9 and a half. I can't say she's the heaviest girl in her grade but she is getting there. She's almost 95lb. She was born broad and big. My husband is broad but everyone else in our family is on the Skinner side. My almost 12 year old, weighs less then her and they wear the same size clothes. Anyway, my question is. How could I be positive and not cause any problems related to food. She eats a lot and says that she loves food. And a lot of the unhealthy foods. I try not to have too many unhealthy foods but I'm no superwoman yet and don't have the time to always have apples cut for her when she comes home. Often she will take a donut or cookie or chips when she's hungry. When I don't have those kinds of foods at home she will take bread and shmear it with tons of cream cheese. Whatever it is, it's usually more then the norm (at least to me) and I try not to say anything because I'm afraid to cause negativity towards her body but I am afraid and don't know what to say or how to react or what to do about it.

mummiedearest

Sun, Jan 29 2017, 9:44 pm

there is nothing wrong with making rules. a sandwich for a snack is ok, but only one sandwich per day. so if she had one for lunch, she needs to find another snack. don't have donuts available during the week. she's old enough to cut up her own apple, you don't have to be superwoman. just remove the absolute junk from the house and buy more fruits and veg. say nothing about her weight, just that the junk is bad for everyone, so you decided to limit it to shabbos only. don't tell her she eats too much, just tell her when she's eaten too much of a non-nutritious food. "you're hungry after your sandwich? go check the fridge for some fruit. have as much as you want." don't be scared to guide her. make a point to discuss nutrition with all your kids.

iriska_meller

Sun, Jan 29 2017, 10:02 pm

First of all, hugs. I'm in the same boat for the last few years with some successes and failures...
Here's what I learned.
You can't deprive one kid. It has to be a family rule: no soda, no juices, no sweetened drinks enter the house. Minimize cookies, bread, sweets. Lock them up until Shabbos if needed.
Pack her lunch - school lunches are bad.
Minimize concentrated carbs- bread, potatoes, rice, pasta, grains. More protein, healthy fats and veggies. Have nuts, seeds, veggies for snack.
See if you can enroll her in some sort of sport - it might make her more hungry but will also teach her discipline.

I have discussed the issue with my daughter in a fairly straightforward way. She also has a sibling who's a twig and nearly underweight. I told her that we all have challenges in life - some people have learning problems, some physical, some emotional. Her challenge is her tendency to gain weight and feel hungry more than other kids, and recognizing it is the first step to overcoming it. I try to concentrate on her health and not looks, but don't kid yourself, kids know very well when they are not up to society's standard.

Good luck. It's a tough road.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Jan 29 2017, 11:11 pm

9 years old, she is still a growing kid.
It does not have to be a huge discussion.

Get on the band wagon, and bring healthy choices in your home.
That includes you too.... the whole mishpacha!

Air popcorn instead of chips (seasoned with olive oil and salt)
pears ripening on the counter
grapes in a bowl in the fridge

Skip the donuts entirely!
bake cookies for shabbat and use real ingredients.

Keep wholesome foods in your house
Buy organic bread with no fillers and junky stuff in it.

I had a "weight" issue with my 9 year old too, and since revamping the kitchen, he has kept his weight at a reasonable number. I never once told him he has a "weight" problem. He was curious about the dietary changes but then he got over it once he started eating all the deliciouas and satisfying new choices.

With kids this age it is easier. Not like us adults who have to get past all the emotional shtick.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jan 29 2017, 11:27 pm

Op, my son is 10 and weighs 112 pounds so I know where you are coming from. The way I do it in my house is that we never mention the word fat or weight. If he ever complains that someone called him fat, I tell him he's gorgeous and that person is an idiot.

Now on to practical application:

There are rules in my house , and they apply to everyone equally. It's all about health. You may not snack on bread because it's unhealthy. You may not drink a few cups of juice because it's unhealthy. You cannot eat tons of candy because it's unhealthy. Etc... These rules apply to everyone no matter how skinny or fat.

I hope that when he's a teen, he will start to be more careful on his own because he is getting a foundation of what's healthy without being pressured or shamed.

Most important, make sure your daughter knows how beautiful she is to you. My son truly thinks he's gorgeous, because I truly think he's gorgeous.

amother

White

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 4:46 pm

My 9 year old is 100 lbs and my 11 year old is 80 lbs. They are about the same height.
They eat the exact same things. In fact my skinnier child noshes way more then the 9 year old. The 9 year old loves soup and eats salad at the start of supper by choice. He doesn't make horrible food choices. He does eat nosh as prizes in school and gets a can of soda each week as a prize.
They are both super super active. (basketball, football, ride bikes, yard work, building club houses, I encourage them to run around outside every day after school for an hour even if cold and dark just to move. )

We spoke to a nutritionist about it that my DH was seeing anyways. She very strongly discouraged discussing his weight with him - ever. She said it can have long lasting affects. Just have healthy choices at home. Don't buy juice or soda. Don't try to be super women.
Some kids naturally have a certain build and having them 'diet' or stress about it at a young age can just breed problems for the future.

At this age I would NOT send lunches or snacks different then his peers. THey already see he is bigger then them (much more, like a giant) why bring their attention to it even more or make him more self conscious about it.

amother

Oak

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 5:10 pm

Iamamother2 wrote:

I am looking for some advice/support on how to deal with this in a healthy way...
Often she will take a donut or cookie or chips when she's hungry. When I don't have those kinds of foods at home she will take bread and shmear it with tons of cream cheese.

I wouldnt let my regular sized kids eat like this so making rules has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with health.
Donuts/cakes etc are only in the house for an occasion, never ever ever as a snack.
Bread also is not a snack its a meal.
I wouldn't let my skinniest child shmear tons of cream cheese onto his bread because its not healthy, mentchlech, or a way we eat.
I have a lot of food rules at home which you can use:
Eat bread for one meal only and not as a snack
Fruit and veg in between meals. Still hungry? Have some water. Still hungry? More fruit. Still hungry? More water... no one continues nagging after that!
Unhealthy spreads for bread or sugary cereals are only used on occasion like rosh chodesh
I dont cut up apples either. Whats wrong with eating it whole? The only exception I made to this was when one child had so many missing teeth at one time and couldn't bite into an apple when it was whole.
Chips - shabbos only. My kids would never dream of eating this during the week.

A lot of what you mentioned is bad habits that you should change because its not healthy. Even if everyone was skinny, no one should have a donut as a snack.
Good luck.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 7:09 pm

Iamamother2 wrote:

Op here. I try keeping the nosh out of sight but she always seems to find them. I did make a rule that chips and nosh is only for Shabbos but she takes without asking. I did once have a lock but my kids are old enough to open it. Also, when I do see her eating something unhealthy I'm torn about saying anything. I'm afraid if I mention anything she will associate it with being fat/ugly, low self esteem etc. And will do it even more.

Ignore anyone who said it's ok to say anything here. It's not. I was 100lbs at the ripe old age of 8. I know my parents meant well but they destroyed my life long struggles of dieting and killed my self esteem by saying anything about it. They tried to the best of their abilities but it's not something, even parents, can control about another person, even their children. What you can do is have lots of healthy options in the house and cook healthy wholesome delicious meals (if they aren't good she'll never develop a taste for it and always be looking for the bad stuff).

Locking it up is what's called codependent--trying to control that which you can't about another persons eating disorder. Keeping it out of the house is the only way to keep it from her somewhat, but even then you can't control it. She can get it elsewhere. She can trade her apple in school for someone elses chips. She will start hiding more and become a closet eater. Her dieting has to come from her and there is nothing you can do to encourage it. At best, talk to a nutritionist to get ideas to implement FOR EVERYONE at home.

My parents tried giving me different "healthy" shabbos party that was different than my thinner siblings. I'm not an idiot. It killed me. I was 8 and didn't deserve to be destroyed over a few pounds. And guess what happened? A few years later it became the cool thing at school to diet. But it was so devestating to me that I couldn't bring myself to walk to school for exercise (my mom tried controlling it but promising to drive me and "not having time" last second but it didn't work), I was mortified at the thought of eating something as healthy as a salad even though it was cool with all the other girls it was too traumatic for me.

Fast forward several decades and I'm still morbidly obese. I've gone through spurts of successful dieting but could never stick to it long term. I'm an adult and take responsibility for my actions but at the same time recognize that the trauma of my parents trying to force me to diet killed my life long struggles with weight loss.

Don't do it.

All you can do is tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is. And as someone upthread said, if she complains that her classmates comment on her weight just tell her she is beautiful and they are idiots. That's it. And think of other things to keep busy with. Her weight is not something you can control.

amother

Oak

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 2:23 am

[quote="amother"]Ignore anyone who said it's ok to say anything here. It's not. I was 100lbs at the ripe old age of 8. I know my parents meant well but they destroyed my life long struggles of dieting and killed my self esteem by saying anything about it. They tried to the best of their abilities but it's not something, even parents, can control about another person, even their children. What you can do is have lots of healthy options in the house and cook healthy wholesome delicious meals

... all this is very different to changing the eating habits of the whole family. You said you had a different shabbos party - no one is saying to do that. If everyone has popcorn instead of chips then no one feels different.

Also, what is wrong with having food rules in a household? A lot of the op is describing is about a child breaking rules and not being healthy.
I'm sorry but if any of my kids, regardless of their weight, took nush that was forbidden there would be a consequence. Kids cant just do what they want because their parents are afraid to say anything. Stealing nush has got nothing to do with weight and everything to do with breaking rules.
No one saying to treat this child any differently to your other children. If anyone steals nush when its forbidden there should be a consequence because thats the rule of the house.
And weight should never ever be mentioned. Talk about sugar being terrible for your teeth so we only eat nush once a week (if my kids stole nush they would miss out on shabbos party).
Talk about keeping our bodies and brains healthy with healthy food and excersize so that they should function properly. Nothing to do with weight.
This is how we live because its healthy and nothing to do with what our body looks like.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:20 am

I speak as an overweight child who was NOT shamed by parents. When I was about ten or eleven, my doctor brought up my weight at my annual physical. She talked about healthy eating and how I really needed to do something about it to protect my health. the doctor suggested I join weight watchers. My mom was there during the conversation.

My mom and dad always told me I was beautiful. Since they knew I struggled with weight, they made sure not to keep junk food in the house. No cookies, cakes, doughnuts, or chips. only low fat cream cheese and mayo... Even though I was the one with the weight problem, they changed the whole family to a healthier diet. I didnt feel deprived.

so at the age of ten or eleven I joined weight watchers, under my doctors supervision, and I lost weight. I learned from a very young age how to make healthy choices. I learned which foods I should and shouldnt be eating. I remember I hit my goal weight right before my bat mitzvah, and I was so happy.

I feel like in this situation, because my doctor was the one telling me I needed to lose weight, and not my parents, I never felt shamed by them. If they would say something it would always be like "Well your doctor said you need to eat healthy"- like it was coming from the doctor, and not them.

I have had to watch my weight since that time. I can never (and will never be able to) keep unhealthy foods in the house. Of course I indulge every once in a while, and go out with my husband for a nice meal, but I dont keep junk in the house. I have to exercise also. I dont particularly like exercising (as a matter of fact im only on imamother right now to procrastinate going to the gym) but its something I have to do. I try to go twice a week.

Basically, I would recommend getting her doctor involved so you dont have to be the "bad one", build up her self image (since she knows she is bigger than her friends), and get the whole family involved in a healthier lifestyle.

Raisin

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 4:35 am

Iamamother2 wrote:

can you buy the nosh on thursday or friday? And buy only a small amount.

I think you have gotten some good advice here. I would try limiting nosh, fruit juice, sugary drinks, etc for a few months. Stock up on fresh fruit and veggies and other healthy snacks.

I don't think the bread and cheese is so bad, but maybe suggest that the cheese spread is expensive and she doesn't need to take so much to enjoy her sandwich. I find my kids are starving after school and have a sandwich then but they definitely eat less supper - usually just protein and salad.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 8:53 am

Iamamother2 wrote:

Keep the nosh out of the house. Or just keep a portion bag of chips available for a shabbos treat. Buy it on Friday and have it available for shabbos. My kids really get excited now when I bring home a box of drakes ring dings, because it does not happen that often. They actually prefer my home baked cookies instead and popcorn now. To tell you the truth I also lost my taste for processed baked goods and chips.

You need to wean the stuff out of your house but replace with other healthy treats. Everyone has to go along with this program.

Also, have you ever read the ingredients in some of these products? Cottonseed oil, msg preservatives that really screw up body chemistry as well as increases your appetite!

Stay away from rules and locked cabinents Just cook quality food.