DS has a temper....

rzab

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 2:20 am

My ds (7 years old) can have a crazy temper and I don't know how to teach him how to control it. This morning getting him to school was a complete disaster and he just kept losing it. He'll yell at me, throw things, hit his sisters, call everyone names and tell us all to shut up....
The craziest part of it is that when he isn't losing his temper he is the sweetest most caring kid in the world. Like he will randomly come up to me and say "ema, can I help you with something now?" Or he'll just come up to me and give me a hug. But then anything can set him off. Especially if I say no to something. DH has been indulging him more because he doesn't think it's worth the tantrum but I think that he's just learning that he can get away with wahtever he wants.
I think I'm getting more frusturated bc the bad moods are coming more often and they seem to be more explosive.
Any advice on how to teach him how to regulate his emotions?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 4:28 am

This could very well be ADD. Kids with ADD will either hold it in all day, and then explode at home (where it is safe, because they know you love them) or they will act out all day at school, and when you get reports, you'll wonder why your adorable child is such a hellion for the rebbes.

Kids who have impulse control issues can often control it in one situation, but not in both. When they are under extreme stress, you'll see it at home AND school, and that is a big warning sign.

If it's any consolation, the fact that he's exploding at home, means that you've provided a loving atmosphere for him, and that he knows you will not reject him, no matter how bad he is.

When he acts out, does he become contrite later on? Is he aware, after the fact, that he was out of control? Does he try to apologize and make amends? If not, then when he is calm, you need to gently tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable.

Don't scold and punish, but do set in place consequences for future outbursts. For example, if he throws a fit about not liking his clothes in the morning, then YOU will pick out an outfit, and he will have no choice about wearing it the next day. In the morning, stand firm, but calm.

If he hits a sibling, wait until he calms down, and then have him apologize to sibling. Have him share a favorite toy, or give up some screen time to sibling's choice of activity.

In addition to "The Explosive Child", I highly recommend "Parenting With Love and Logic". This has short circuited an enormous amount of conflict in my family.

Also, (like you don't have enough to do already!) you can practice role playing, and modeling ways to use expressive language and effective communication in a calm manner. Explain to him that using proper language and tone of voice will give a much better chance that he will get what he wants. "I want a cookie NOW!" is not as effective as "Mama, could I please have a cookie? I promise I'll eat all of my veggies at dinner tonight."

My favorite role play is "flip the script". Have him be the mom, and you be him. Tell him to really imagine him being a mom, and you speak to him the way he's been speaking to you. Ask him "If you were the mom, how would that make you feel?" "What would be a better way of asking, that would make you want to cooperate?"

Next time he asks politely and sweetly for a cookie before dinner, give it to him, and say "You asked very nicely, and used polite words. I don't usually give cookies before dinner, but this time, I am going to give to you, because I know you are working on speaking more nicely. Good job!"

Be prepared. At the start, this will only work sometimes, and not others. Don't think of it as failure, think of it as small progress on a large learning curve. For some kids, growing up is really HARD!

5*Mom

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 5:16 am

Whoa, whoa, whoa! This thread is going off the rails. It could be ASD, ADD, ODD, BPD, brain tumor, s*xual assault... OR it could be that this child is having difficulty in this ONE area of regulating his behavior without any underlying disorder or syndrome. A child can be explosive for any number of reasons, and it is common for children to be fully functional in one situation and lose it in another, without indicating any serious disorder. Let's please slow down and help OP think about her DS's behavior in a way that can help her make sense of it and figure out where to go from here.

OP, first question: Is this something new or has this always been his temperament? If this is new, when did it start? What was going on in his life at that time? Was it sudden or a slow progression? If this has always been his temperament, more or less, can you identify specific trigger situations that come up repeatedly, such as transitioning from playtime to suppertime, waking up, when there are loud noises, when he's hungry or tired or when he loses a game, etc. For this, Ross Greene's The Explosive Child book and assessment (called the ALSUP - assessment of lagging skills and unsolved problems) are excellent resources. All the information is on his website: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/

Evaluations are important, crucial even, when called for. They can cause actual long-term harm to a child's self-image (and motivation, and choices, and success...) when not called for. I've seen it. So you want to first get your head around the problem and its details and then determine if an evaluation is called for and if so, what kind and by whom.

rzab

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 5:53 am

5*Mom wrote:

Thank you for this!
I forgot before I posted that people here love to jump to extreme conclusions.
I know that many people here will say that I am sticking my head in the sand, but honestly I know a little bit about autisim as I am a teacher and have spent my fair share of time in a classroom. I also know my son very well. This is a case of a bad middah of כעס. Does anyone still believe that people are responsible for their bad middot or do those need to be diagnosed and explained away as well?

To answer the helpful post 5*mom- this has always been his temperment, it just seems to happen more often lately. I have never been able to pinpoint it to a specific trigger but there are some things I know I can blame it on. For example, when he was very little and it would happen, I would be able to clock it and exactly 24 hours later he would have fever. I know there are a few different things that are going on that could be contributing which I am tryng to eliminate, but in the mean time I still want him to learn how to deal with these emotions. For example, my husband got a new job which brings him home later so my kids have been staying up later in order to see him. I have been trying to minimize that. At the same time as trying to get him to bed earlier, I think that if that is a trigger, sleep deprivation is a fact of life. He needs to learn how to deal with his bad moods when he is tired and not explode or he won't be able to function as an adult.

Thanks for the link- I will check it out right now

amother

Wine

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:22 am

Especially if I say no to something. DH has been indulging him more because he doesn't think it's worth the tantrum but I think that he's just learning that he can get away with wahtever he wants.

OP, does your ds have siblings who also demonstrate the same behavior? Could he be modeling them?
Are there any particular triggers?
From your original post, it sound like the morning before school is an issue.
What else triggers your son?

I understand that he does not behave this way in school. But there is a very high level of frustration going on and it is worth going to a therapist so he can learn how to deal with his emotions.

My 7 year old ds, would have outbursts in school but not at home! I took him to therapy for a year and he really learned about how to handle his emotions and calm himself. I am so happy that it worked for him.

You want to prevent this behavior from one day manifesting itself in school too. (G-d forbid) but ultimately you want to know how to work with your son in a healthy and growing way. I strongly recommend trying therapy!

I also want to share with you, that I thought the best way to handle my sons outbursts was to use punishment. I would yell back and tell him he is punished. This did not help! He would just cower and start to say, "I hate myself and now I will punish myself" or "I am an idiot" I realized that this way , the way I was disciplined when I was a kid, was not the right way at all for my son. It was not a middot issue or a chutzpah issue. That is when I pursued therapy.

The therapist was wonderful, I was present and we played games together and my son learned how to talk about what was bothering him and reframe all his anxieties. She also taught him how to be assertive and express his needs in healthy way. She was amazing!

sushilover

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:59 am

Not an easy thing to deal with!
I believe that you can't expect to change a child's nature. This wonderful, sweet, kind child of yours has a temper and it may be something that he'll struggle with for the rest of his life. You as a parent can only help him control his behavior.

1) Make sure your house is a pleasant place to be. Have fun, chat, play games. If there is some stress going on, deal with it before trying to deal with his temper.
2) You say that DS is mostly wonderful. Compliment on those times for a full week while ignoring the angry times (obviously deal with a situation that needs your attention, but don't even say something like "we don't throw thing". Positive only for a full week- maybe even two). IF you ever catch him reacting calmly at a time when he might have blown up, reward him! Make a huge deal about it. (ie: 30% of the time when he doesn't like the dinner he'll throw his plate on the floor. Today was the 70% day and he just grumbled. You'll tell him "Wow, you reacted so maturely and kept your temper! I think this calls for a special dessert!")
3) After trying this for a week or two, have a nice conversation with DS about the importance of staying calm. Read him some books, role play etc. Teach him what to do when he feels himself losing control. Teach him coping techniques. Breathing exercises, counting to ten, going to his room...
4) If it has gotten significantly better you can continue to ignore the few blow ups and compliment the times he controlled himself. If not, then you can institute a consequence for specific behaviors. You can't punish him for getting angry. We all get angry. You can punish for throwing, hitting.
Continue to teach coping techniques and 'catching' him reacting properly.
5) this is the hard part: you can't respond to anger with anger. If you find that you are yelling at him, then teach yourself coping techniques as well

Good Luck!!!!!

saw50st8

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 10:21 am

rzab wrote:

Definitely read the explosive child. It's fantastic. Basically, it breaks things into 3 different options:

Plan A - you dominate and issue your ruling (best used only for immediate safety issues)

Plan B (the meat of the book) - you work together on problems to find a mutually acceptable solution. This is best done before a trigger has happened. The first solution may not be the ultimate solution, so you often have to revisit this many times.

Plan C - Give up on the expectation for now.

the premise of the book is that kids do well when they can. When they aren't doing well, you need to investigate the unsolved problem or lagging skill. You work on problems and skills, not behaviors. Behavioral changes come when you solve the problem or improve the skill.

5*Mom

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 11:57 am

sushilover wrote:

My d12 was an Explosive Child, in caps. She is no longer an explosive child and is in fact one of my most well-regulated children. It was not her nature; it was a case of situational expectations exceeding her ability to adapt (Ross Greene). We worked on her skills and here she is today, an awesome adolescent. It may or may not be nature in OP's DS's case, but either way, he can learn skills.

flowerpower

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 12:12 pm

My son had severe anger issues. He would destroy the room if he didn't get what he wanted. In yeshiva he was the dream student. I said that if it only happened at home then it's a good thing. This way I know that he could control it in public and when he wants. What I did was-
1- made sure his needs were met- not hungry, thirsty, tired...
2- looked out for the trigger signs and tried to prevent them when possible.
3- when he tantrumed I immediatly left the room. Sometimes they wait for your reaction and feed off negative attention. Once he was calm and was able get get ahold of his emotions I'd go over to him or wait until he came to me. Then we would discuss what just happened and what he could have done instead. Then we would clean the mess together.
4- consistancy is the key. I held the same form of discipline at all times
5- positive reinforcement. I'd praise him for every time I saw he did a good thing or controlled himself. Made him feel really good and confident about it.
He is now 12 and an amazing child bh!!!!