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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

Confession

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amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:07 pm

I am a SAHM with three kids under 6. The main reason I have them home is not because I believe in homeschooling, rather a traumatized reaction to a past caretaker that abused my kids. I am terrified of that happening again. And I don't think anyone can take care of my kids as well as their mommy. It's been working fine (very hard but rewarding, happy, doable) until recently. My oldest is out for a couple hours in the AM while my baby sleeps, and I've just been sticking my toddler in front of the TV for that time. I so desperately need a few hours of respite. I can't send my toddler where the older one is because she only takes older kids. I don't know anyone else I can trust with him. I feel like it is so irresponsible/neglectful/the opposite of SAHMish to plan to have the TV babysit him for two hours every morning, but I just can't bring myself to send him to some random babysitter I don't know. (the one with the problem in the past WAS checked out and I felt like I knew her...I know it is not statistically likely that a woman will abuse my kid, but I don't want neglect or harshness either, and there's not much screening you can do for that. Aside from attaching a video camera to my kids t shirt.) Oh, and my husband is very anti TV and would have a panic attack if he knew I was doing this. I am against TV in theory, but I don't know what else to do. I don't sleep through the night because my baby is up, and I have three little kids THE ENTIRE FREAKING DAY. Often we don't leave the four walls of my house, either, because we only have one car and if my baby is asleep I can't give him a ride when he needs to leave. (DH is home for 45 minutes at lunch and 1.5 hours at night, of which half an hour is sans kids. Then he goes to night seder and isn't back until 10:30). I am only one person. I am not naturally a SAHM type, and this is HARD! For my sanity I need to put on my make up in peace, drink my coffee ALONE, and eat lunch without anyone taking the food out of my mouth. I almost never get out of the house. Not with my husband. Not with friends. (ha, what friends) The excitement of the week is 3 times a week therapy appointments for various people in the house. Other than that we mostly listen to CDs, bake, play with toys, read books, play in the yard...I don't even go to the grocery store! I just order everything I need to be delivered! Goodness, it is now Sunday night, and I haven't left the house LITERALLY since 1 PM on Wednesday for an hour long therapy appointment. OMG. I am going to scream. The time before that was a 45 minute shiur on Monday night. That was it. I was out of the house for less than two hours the entire week last week. OMG.

skee

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:22 pm

Instead of sending the kids out, can you get someone to come to your house for a few hours and play with you toddler (or help with the kids on some other way)? It wouldn't be total peace and quiet but at least you could sit down and eat something or take have a little break and probably you'd feel more secute knowing you kids are just in the next room and the sitter knows you can walk in at any time. Even a high school or junior high school girl could fill this role.

Is there anyone else who can give DH a ride so you can keep the car? Or can you reschedule baby's nap to be able to drive DH?

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:31 pm

skee wrote:

Having someone in the house is a good idea, but normal people either have jobs or are in school in the morning. Healthy singles are not sitting around their house waiting for a babysitting job. One time I found someone who was available and her reference said about her "she isn't the most stable person in the world..." that was enough info for me to make it a no. I have posted on our neshai list, it is so hard to find people.

I do give my husband rides sometimes, bringing all three kids in the car both ways is a 45 minute ordeal and wastes a good part of the afternoon and the baby falls asleep in the car and wakes up when I take him out so he is cranky the rest of the PM.

Sorry I sound so negative. I'm just feeling like a shmatta. Uncle Moishy is coming out of my ears , I am covered in baby food, smell, and the kids are messing with my husbands tools, probably losing things and leaving a trail of chocking hazards behind them. Where am I? Escaping on imamother!! Better go get involved....

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:36 pm

Maybe you can find a girl who goes to college in the afternoons/evenings and will babysit in the morning.

What do you plan to do for school when they get older? Doesn't sound like you're teaching anything now, just playing with them. Maybe you should go to therapy to get over your fear.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:40 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

What do you plan to do for school when they get older? Doesn't sound like you're teaching anything now, just playing with them. Maybe you should go to therapy to get over your fear.

Yes I am in therapy.
I am teaching my older child how to read and write both English and Hebrew, teach parsha, yamim tovim and math. We also do world map puzzles and tons of fine motor and sensory activities. My toddler is learning ABCs and alef bais and can count to 20. I have my good days, I promise. I think the biggest change now is my toddler not napping, that is sending me over the edge. My first free minute of the day is literally 9 PM and sometimes I am too tired to get off my bed and go to the bathroom. Not leaving the house makes it all seem endless...but it is also hard to work out being able to leave

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:42 pm

That's a different story. Sounds like you're doing great. You didn't mention any of that earlier.
I'm happy you're in therapy.
I'm sorry it's so difficult. I can totally understand how you feel- and I'm sahm of only one, at the moment! But it's taxing in a way that only sahm can understand.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:47 pm

What's your long term plan with your 6 year old? Are you planning on sending her to traditional school at some point? If you were home with a baby and toddler, you need to make it a priority to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE everyday! I know, it's hard- but that was the only way I maintained sanity when I was a sahm. Other things in the house went to pot, but I needed to get out. Do you live in an area where you can bundle up and go outside even if it is just for a 10-15 minute walk? Do you need a car to get around where you live? Going to the backyard is not getting out of the house in my book. Library programs literally saved my life.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:49 pm

amother wrote:

Having someone in the house is a good idea, but normal people either have jobs or are in school in the morning. Healthy singles are not sitting around their house waiting for a babysitting job.

would you consider someone in her 50s or 60s... like a 'rent-a-bubby' scenario. Perhaps broaden your scope a bit. Is there anyone at your shul who just loves your kids, and doesn't have any local grandchildren?

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:51 pm

amother wrote:

Right, so the abusive babysitter was a woman in her 60s....trigger

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 3:56 pm

so sorry for the trigger.

penguin

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 4:03 pm

A high school girl who comes after school could give you time to go put your feet up and read a magazine and drink a cup of tea.

After she's been in your house a number of times you might find you trust her enough to go out for a walk by yourself!

But I will agree to the idea of bundling up and taking a walk with the kids every day if at all possible. Vitamin D is very good for you!

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 5:25 pm

OK guys, feeling a bit better. The second my husband came home I said in Hebrew "gotta get out of here, emergency. Please do bedtime." I went to the supermarket and bought 100$ of unnecessary things--pesto paste, mentos, fancy chocolate, fancy crackers, mini potatoes and a couple little toys for the kids. I blasted some music in the car, parked and just breathed for a few minutes. I came in when my kids were asleep, talked with my DH, and now I am watching a comedy while eating mentos and starting on this out of this world chocolate: savanah toffee chocolate bar. Sigh. that was disrespectful to savanah chocolate to put it in the same sentence as mentoes. Sorry savanah. I just gotta do things like this every once and a while!

amother

Pink

Mon, Jan 30 2017, 5:58 pm

You seriously need to find a way to get out of the house more often. Just even to go on a walk with them. Even if it's cold, bundle them up. I would feel like you if I stayed in home all day and I only have one!
Today it was snowing and I quickly put on our coats so we could go outside and feel it (it's his first winter). It doesn't matter if it's cold. I work in a preschool- even when it's cold we go out. If it's too cold to play on the playground we'd at least take a short walk around the building.
And when the weather is nicer is there a park you could walk to?
Do you have a way of finding other SAHM you could do play dates with during the day? Do you have family nearby who can come sometimes to watch them so you can go out a bit (is there public transportation you can use since it sounds like you don't have the car much)?
And of course the main thing.. the babysitting thing.. what others are saying about finding someone sounds good. Keep asking around. I know that there are people who do this I just have no idea how to go about finding them since I've had no experience with that.
Good luck. Your feelings are totally justified.

little_mage

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:41 am

I'm a SAHM to three under six and don't have a car (ever). My kids have a fairly large amount of screen time. Your two hours sounds great to me, compared to how much I let my kids have! I don't stress about it for two reasons. One, Shabbat. Two, while my kids do watch tv, they spend a decent amount to time on tablets/computer. I like that better because while it's still a screen, they're more interactive. I don't know if that's a practical thing for you, but it might be something to consider.

Also, I second (third?) the people who say try to get out. I have a double stroller, and I wear the baby (3 months old). I have a coat that goes over her. The nice thing about that is if she's already napping in the carrier when it's time to leave, I don't have to wake her up. I also don't have to wake her up when we get anywhere. There are times not having a car stinks. I'm not going to sugar coat it. But we walk or take public transit, and still go places. My oldest loves the system-I've actually thought of just hopping on the train one day, riding down to the station and turning around. My oldest would think that was great fun.

Iymnok

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 4:27 am

If there are other SAHMs around, you could meet up. Just hang out together, watch each other's kids occasionally to give some alone time. Find a babysitter/mother's helper. They watch the kids while you rest, have a coffee, run to the grocery store, or whatever you decide.
If you have a public library nearby they often have kids programs.

salt

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 4:41 am

Just 2 thoughts:

1. You DO send your oldest out, so you are already overcoming your fear of sending your kids out. Could you send your toddler to a neighbor who's also a SAHM. Even do 1 morning each - ie. a swap - you have hers one morning, and she has yours one morning.

2. I know this isn't helpful, but if you really don't want your DH finding out that your child is watching TV, at someone point the kid will say something, quote something, sing something he's seen. You won't be able to hide it.

perquacky

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 11:23 am

There is nothing wrong with giving your kids a few hours of screen time. My kids had plenty (all PBS shows), and as teenagers, they have almost zero interest in television now.

Can you find one or two girls who need chessed hours for school who might be willing to stop by in the evenings to help you out?

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 12:24 pm

I don't understand. if you are sending your 6 yr old out anyways why not send them to a proper school?

rachel6543

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 12:42 pm

Lots of good advice here.

I like the idea of getting some sort of in home help if you can or the occasional babysitter so you can get some quiet me time. And since you are concerned about the person, get a nanny cam. That way if you're not home (or even in a different room) you can see what is going on.

I have security cameras in my house. Occasionally I need a babysitter & I have used the cameras to check on my kid/babysitter and monitor what is going on.

amother

Beige

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 12:46 pm

Op I disagree with the others. How old is your toddler? I think 2 hours straight of tv is a lot for a toddler. Send him to an official babysitter or program instead of a home based babysitter there's more oversight, I would think that would be better than 2 straight hours of tv while you nap.

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