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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
I wish I didn't have to name after family
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:14 pm
So I'm pregnant, which is exciting. No one knows I'm having a girl but I know , my mil really wants (perhaps expects?) me to name after her mother if it's a girl.
I don't like the name and honestly, I didn't love the person either.
This isn't the first time I've been in this position. A few years ago I had a daughter and named her after one of my relatives which truly hurt mil. I felt it was "my turn" to name the baby as my husband had named the previous boy.
However, my mil feels that no one has named after her mother yet (most of her children are still unmarried) and many of my siblings had already given the name I chose for my daughter. I feel a lot of pressure to name after her mother and I don't want to. I have also already named after her father. Oh, and she doesn't believe in naming a child one thing and then calling them by a nickname/second name.
It is very likely that this will be my last child.
Every child naming stresses me out because I always feel like I'm letting someone down, or end up giving a name I don't like and I don't think it's fair. I'm the mother, can't I just name because I like the name?!

I'd love to hear some other mothers' thoughts or advice.

ETA: even though I may want to name a 'random' name, in truth, the other girl name is after my grandmother which I know would make my parent happy (although there are other grandchildren with her name already).
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:25 pm
I specifically will not use a name suggested by someone if I didn't ask their opinion. your kid, your naming privilege. do what you want. she had her chance with her own kids.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:31 pm
I totally agree with mummiedeerest. Do u have a good relationship with her? Is the relationship gonna go sour because of this? If you do have a good relationship then can you tell her nicely that your adding a name. So she doesn't get shocked? Don't ask her just tell her. It's not her decision. It's your but you want her to have time to calm down. What will she do and say if you add a name?

I was very scared too when I had to do it. But I did different I didn't tell my mother anything. I just added a name and that was it. Surprise she was so happy I gave the name. I was so surprised that she want negative like she has been in the past.

Noone her know s your mil. We don't know how this will impact you. It's hard to give advice. So I just told you my experience
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:32 pm
This has been always been a pet peeve of mine.

When will parents and inlaws learn that if their child is old enough to have the child they are old enough to name the child as rabbi pesach kron wisely says!?

Why does it become such a pressured expectation for your children to nameyour grandchildren what you want them to ?
You had your turn to name your own children now its your childrens turn to name your grand children.

Is this phenominon across the board or just in yeshivish and chasidish circles?

I m in the same boat as you . Its still to early for me to know what ill be having iyh . If its a girl yhen the name is not a problem. If its s boy then there will be a general expection with out it being verbalized to name the baby after my fathers father who was not a nice person. The name is not a bad name I just dont want the baby conected with his great grand father. Im thinking about nameing the name but it wont be after the grand father. Only my husband and my self will know that...

I guess ill find out in a few more weeks what ill have to do.
I feel for you
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:35 pm
Oy... She should not be pressuring you like that.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:36 pm
sourstix wrote:
I totally agree with mummiedeerest. Do u have a good relationship with her? Is the relationship gonna go sour because of this? If you do have a good relationship then can you tell her nicely that your adding a name. So she doesn't get shocked? Don't ask her just tell her. It's not her decision. It's your but you want her to have time to calm down. What will she do and say if you add a name?

I was very scared too when I had to do it. But I did different I didn't tell my mother anything. I just added a name and that was it. Surprise she was so happy I gave the name. I was so surprised that she want negative like she has been in the past.

Noone her know s your mil. We don't know how this will impact you. It's hard to give advice. So I just told you my experience


OP here. I have a good relationship with mil but last time when I didn't name after her mother she took it really hard and couldn't help being very cold and randomly crying for a few months. She is really emotional.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:39 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. I have a good relationship with mil but last time when I didn't name after her mother she took it really hard and couldn't help being very cold and randomly crying for a few months. She is really emotional.

Randomly crying? Seems a bit extreme, but that's her own problem and she should seek out a professional if she needs help in dealing with this issue. It should not affect you or the name you want to give your own child.


Last edited by Maya on Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:40 pm
By the way, why is the pressure on you and not on her son?

I work out names together with my husband, equal partnership- like many couples do. The pressure shouldn't be on you.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:45 pm
This is YOUR baby. Don't let yourself be "bullied". Pick a name you love. I can understand her wanting really badly for a baby to be named for her mother, but if you did not like the person or name why would you do that to yourself to have to call your child that name forever? Also she's expecting a lot to say you would have to call your child by that exact name (no nicknames or whatever).
I used my grandfather's name as my baby's middle name. My grandfather was one of the nicest people but his name was not one of my favorites in mind of what to call my child. I'm sure it would have been even more special for my mother if I had used her father's name as my baby's first name, but it just isn't what I wanted to call my child. So it's his second name and it still is very special to me that my grandfather's name is part of his name. I hope that is special for my mom as well. BUT I loved my grandfather I'd love for my baby to have his specially kindness so that is part of it. That isn't even the case with your situation.
Just pick a name you like. I hope it wont effect your relationship.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:46 pm
gold21 wrote:
By the way, why is the pressure on you and not on her son?

I work out names together with my husband, equal partnership- like many couples do. The pressure shouldn't be on you.


Op: the pressure is probably directed to my husband too but he finds it easier to shrug it off. Also, she knows that it's now "my turn" to name as my husband just last named after her father.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:53 pm
Just ftr, I am very modern and am getting the same pressure from my reform mom. Her guilt trip is that my sibs will only have one or two kids total so it is up to me to name after all her relatives.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 8:55 pm
If she already got a name for her father then she will have to wait till she gets after her mother. Sorry, it's your turn.

I don't understand why she's upset if she got a name for her father? Something doesn't add up. It's your turn what is wrong with her? Is your dh putting pressure here? I seriously don't understand. She has more kids and when they will have kids she will get the name then.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:05 pm
sourstix wrote:
If she already got a name for her father then she will have to wait till she gets after her mother. Sorry, it's your turn.

I don't understand why she's upset if she got a name for her father? Something doesn't add up. It's your turn what is wrong with her? Is your dh putting pressure here? I seriously don't understand. She has more kids and when they will have kids she will get the name then.


I know it sounds strange. There are probably a few reasons why I'm feeling the pressure.
- mil is very stressed that her other children are still in shidduchim and unmarried (they're not young anymore).
- she was very close with her mother and has been wanting a grandchild to carry her name for many years now but it hasn't happened yet.
- she is very opinionated and emotional. She WILL get over it if I don't name after her mother but I know it will pain her greatly and I feel bad.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:14 pm
amother wrote:
I know it sounds strange. There are probably a few reasons why I'm feeling the pressure.
- mil is very stressed that her other children are still in shidduchim and unmarried (they're not young anymore).
- she was very close with her mother and has been wanting a grandchild to carry her name for many years now but it hasn't happened yet.
- she is very opinionated and emotional. She WILL get over it if I don't name after her mother but I know it will pain her greatly and I feel bad.


this is such a tough situation. I really wouldn't be able to do it. Maybe a "better" person would, but I wouldn't. It's your child you'll be calling them their name for forever. I wouldn't be able to do it I don't think. I wonder what a Rabbi would say. Not that you need to ask a Rabbi, not that I'm even suggesting it's something you should do. I'm just curious if there's like some respecting parents thing that would make it a good thing like if you were the best person in the world like if you would have any responsibility to do this if your parents really wanted it. Or if they would say of course you should name your baby the name you want. Just curious. As I said, in my opinion if you really don't want to do this you should stop considering it and just move on and make your mind that you're going to name your baby the other name that you want.
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leopardspots




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:22 pm
Your child, your choice.
Your husband needs to tell his Mommy that you will choose the name as husband as wife and to stop trying to emotionally manipulate you.
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pizza4




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:23 pm
amother wrote:
Just ftr, I am very modern and am getting the same pressure from my reform mom. Her guilt trip is that my sibs will only have one or two kids total so it is up to me to name after all her relatives.

She had her chance with her own children. I hate how parents think all their relatives names are THEIRS. Theirs to force on their kids to use!
(Too many theirs on one line...oh well.)
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 9:31 pm
Op here. Thanks for the responses. I actually feel validated which I wasn't expecting. I keep thinking maybe I'm a bit selfish or unkind! Argh. Glad others understand me. 😀
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hesha




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 10:05 pm
of course its your child and your choice but I also think that its very important to honor/give thanks to our parents, and this is one of the most meaningful ways. we didn't get where are on our own. we got to where we are because our parents invested huge huge amounts of time, effort, money, emotion, etc into parenting us. we are, in large parts, products of their toil. if the name is something you could get used to and live with, I think the mature thing is to give it. as a thanks to your mom in law for raising your husband. think of how you will feel if you desperately wanted a name for a deceased parent.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 10:12 pm
I honestly feel that parents should not interfere in their childrens' choices of names. They had their turn, and now they need to step down. I tell my kids all the time that I will B"N mind my own business about names when they get to be mothers. I'll be grateful to be alive, so they don't name after me!

Particularly if it is your turn OP to name on your side of the family (or any name you choose) as you named your last child for her father, she really needs to understand this. Perhaps your husband can have a talk with her? It's really not fair for her to expect otherwise.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 10:14 pm
pizza4 wrote:
She had her chance with her own children.


Um, no. Her mother was still alive with her own children, so she couldn't name any after the mother she loved so dearly.

Usually I'm all for honoring parents, but in this case:
- it's YOUR turn to name the child
- your MIL just got a name for her father
- she will very likely get the name from one of her own children

Choose the name you like. Good luck.
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