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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
I wish I didn't have to name after family
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pizza4




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 11:01 pm
agreer wrote:
Um, no. Her mother was still alive with her own children, so she couldn't name any after the mother she loved so dearly.

Usually I'm all for honoring parents, but in this case:
- it's YOUR turn to name the child
- your MIL just got a name for her father
- she will very likely get the name from one of her own children

Choose the name you like. Good luck.

Okay. So it wasn't the case in your situation. That's fine!
For some reason, the "um, no." Is turning me off.
You too end off with, choose the name you like.
In most cases, the kids know very well which names are options for their unborn child. And they know that it will make the parent happy to name after their granmother or grandfather. And piling on the pressure helps no one. Either they give the name because they feel pressured and hate the name or pressuring parent for it, or they don't give it and have to deal with the consequences.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Jan 30 2017, 11:25 pm
It's unfair for grandparents to exert pressure. I didn't interfere when my kids chose names. Still, the grown up thing to do here would be to give mom's mother's name. It means a lot to her and no one has used it. You're in a position to do something kind. Take the opportunity.

However, you have every right to use a nickname. Consider telling mil in advance that if it's a girl, you'll formally name her for the grandmother but call her something else. When mil protests, tell her the the​ truth . You were happy to honor her by using the name, but you really don't like it, and this is the only way to make it work for you. If that's not good enough, you will choose another name. And do it.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 12:23 am
Your child, you pick the name. Your MIL got to choose the names of all of her children. Yes, her mother was alive at the time so none of her children carry that specific name. But she was able to name her children whatever she wanted and now you and your husband are afforded that same opportunity. My mother told us countless times while I was growing up that she will never interfere in our choice of names. Because we all adored her father and he had a beautiful name, she has a few grandchildren named for her father. But she has ZERO expectations every time someone is pregnant.
I think it's obnoxious for a parent or in law to say one word. Everyone knows your MIL's mother's name. There is no need to exert pressure on an expectant mom.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:04 am
How bad is the name? You have no obligation to use it as the original. Nickname or additional name, relegate it to the middle... it's worth putting in the effort to make her happy. Try to see if there is some sort of compromise that you and your dh could be happy with.

Wait, you said that you don't want to name after her because you didn't like the person as well as the name. Do you like the Hebrew or Yiddish alternative?
Is there a way to do something that MIL won't feel ignored?

I'm NOT saying that you have to jump through hoops to make her happy, just that it's not so black and white. It's not just use it or not.

I agree that it's your kid, your decision. But if you could make someone really happy in the process, then try to. But you said that she insists on the exact name. If she will be just as upset if you use a nickname or an additional name, then you can disregard my entire post.
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:53 am
Is it more that you don't like the name, or don't like the person?

If it's more that you didn't like the person herself, but the name is ok, then think of other people with that name. If it's a biblical name, was the tanach character a positive character?

We named our son after my grandfather, who I didn't know personally, but I did know that he went from being a Rav to not being observant. I was a little nervous about naming after him, but I wanted to anyway. But we also have in mind the biblical character who carried this name (he was a navi). At the brit, my husband spoke about my grandfather's good qualities, and about the navi.

But after all that, my case is a little diff to yours, because I do actually like the name.
It just solves the character issue.

Good luck, and may you make the right decision with siyata dishmaya.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 6:57 am
I AM a MIL and I firmly believe that it's your baby, your choice.

If any parent/inlaw is going to complain ...... seriously, have another one yourself!

As a parent we know have to sit back and keep quiet.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 7:22 am
mummiedearest wrote:
I specifically will not use a name suggested by someone if I didn't ask their opinion. your kid, your naming privilege. do what you want. she had her chance with her own kids.


Yes, she did have her chance....but maybe her Mother was alive at that point...
How bad is the name? Maybe you can use the name but chose a nickname to use daily which you do like....just a thought!
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 7:29 am
My daughter named her baby after her husband's grandmother. I was soooo embarrassed in shul on that Shabbos morning when the baby was named. A really funny Yiddish name I had never even heard before...
Fast forward five minutes after the services were over. Everyone in Shul came over to wish mazel tov and tell me that they actually knew the grandmother and how special she was...I was so happy!
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 10:34 am
If you give it as a middle name or use a nickname would you be chilled with having mil call the child by her mother's real name?

I gave a child a nickname but do not mind at all when certain relatives call the child by the full name even though it's not my choice of what to call her. They sound similar and the child will know when she's older that it's a pet name from these relatives coming from a place of love. I get to use the name I like, they get to use the name that is so meaningful to them. I'm not sure if this is an option in your case but maybe if you told your mil that you plan to use a second name or different version but you will be happy for her to call the child by her mothers name, she will be ok?
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 10:52 am
Is your mother in law the type to respect what a Rav says?

I had a similar situation (tho my mother in law is somewhat reasonable, she and the entire family were hoping/expecting me to name after someone I didn't know, and whose name I hated.)

We asked R'Matisyahu solomon and he just waved his hand and said its not necessary to name after her, not necessary to name a translation, and not necessary to give as a middle name. He asked if there is a name we as parents like. We told him our favorite name and he said "beautiful name. Just name her that"

Having his backing helped tremendously.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 11:31 am
amother wrote:
If you give it as a middle name or use a nickname would you be chilled with having mil call the child by her mother's real name?

I gave a child a nickname but do not mind at all when certain relatives call the child by the full name even though it's not my choice of what to call her. They sound similar and the child will know when she's older that it's a pet name from these relatives coming from a place of love. I get to use the name I like, they get to use the name that is so meaningful to them. I'm not sure if this is an option in your case but maybe if you told your mil that you plan to use a second name or different version but you will be happy for her to call the child by her mothers name, she will be ok?


Op here. Interesting that you bring this up. When I named my daughter after my grandmother, we opted to use her English name instead of Yiddish. For example, we call her Pearl instead of Faige Perel. My mil was hurt that we didn't name after her mother and also annoyed that we were using the English name so she always called her Fayge Perel. It drove me crazy. I was really upset because I felt like our wishes weren't being respected. So I did this for a few months and it ended:
Mil: "what did Fayge Perel do today?"
Me: "Pearl went to the park."

It sounds like I have a lot of issues with mil but we usually really get along well. I think we're both just very strong willed.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 11:46 am
amother wrote:
Just ftr, I am very modern and am getting the same pressure from my reform mom. Her guilt trip is that my sibs will only have one or two kids total so it is up to me to name after all her relatives.


Tell her to start nagging your siblings to have more kids. Problem solved.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 1:08 pm
amother wrote:
I AM a MIL and I firmly believe that it's your baby, your choice.

If any parent/inlaw is going to complain ...... seriously, have another one yourself!

As a parent we know have to sit back and keep quiet.



πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 2:00 pm
That's what second names are for!
Abusing relative is another thing of course
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 2:14 pm
You don't have to! I didn't! The world is still standing Smile

My MIL's mother has an awful Yiddish name. All of her children, grandchildren, nieces, great-nieces used the name. I never met her but whenever my husband would recall anything about her, he never said anything positive. His stories were mostly about how she yelled at him. So I told him its never gonna happen. Stupid name stupid woman. Of course, I didn't tell my MIL oh by the way your son has nothing nice to say about your mother. But we didn't use the name.

The expectation was SO strong, that when I had my first girl, my dh's cousins were like oh mazal tov on shprintzie (not the name). I was like thank you so much actually her name is ___. Slightly awkward but it passed. Its fine. Name your daughter something wonderful and beautiful and meaningful to you!
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 2:23 pm
Were did all this 'naming after loved ones' come from anyway?

Yaakov avinu did not name any of his sons 'avraham' if any one noticed. A child was named for the circumstances...

Reuven- behold a son
Shimon-to hear or be heard
Levi- joined or attached
Yehuda- praised

And so on
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 2:43 pm
amother wrote:
Were did all this 'naming after loved ones' come from anyway?

Yaakov avinu did not name any of his sons 'avraham' if any one noticed. A child was named for the circumstances...

Reuven- behold a son
Shimon-to hear or be heard
Levi- joined or attached
Yehuda- praised

And so on


There are hardly any repeated names in Tanach. (A few, but that's it.) Also notice that even the tannaim and amoraim aren't named Avraham, Moshe, David, etc. These names come back only in the middle ages.

Does anyone here know when this custom began? I can certainly see why people would name after dead relatives, but why make it into an obligation?
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:06 pm
Rabbanut shimon Ben Gamliel
Both names are repeated for a few generations.
Just sayin'
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:07 pm
amother wrote:
Yes, she did have her chance....but maybe her Mother was alive at that point...
How bad is the name? Maybe you can use the name but chose a nickname to use daily which you do like....just a thought!


My husband got to name his kid after his mother. NO ONE wants this. I'm sure he would rather a thousand times not to have grandchildren named after his mother and still have her around.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 31 2017, 3:20 pm
We had a situation where we named my oldest after my father (Meir Pinchas), DH's grandfather (Meir) and my grandfather's nephew (Paul/Pinchas). Dh's grandmother doesn't consider him named after her husband because he's Meir Pinchas not just Meir. Well, too bad :-) We tell DS he's named after all 3.
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