I wish I didn't have to name after family

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 12:58 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

We had a situation where we named my oldest after my father (Meir Pinchas), DH's grandfather (Meir) and my grandfather's nephew (Paul/Pinchas). Dh's grandmother doesn't consider him named after her husband because he's Meir Pinchas not just Meir. Well, too bad :-) We tell DS he's named after all 3.

Well if we are naming after loved ones I think all will agree that a name for your own father would come before a name for a grand father.
Why does grandma think that her great grandson should have been named for his great grand father over his own mothers father....

Ill never understand....

Lets just all remember how we felt in this situation and not put our own children and grand children through this

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 1:06 pm

When my son was born it was my husbands 'turn'
He decided to name our son after his great grandfather(his grand mothers father on his mothers side. Grandma was well into her 70s and only had one great grand son named for her father- even with a large family thats just how it worked out) instead of his own grand father from fathers side. He felt he wanted to honor her with the name during her life time.

His parents were okish about it
But boy did I get a bashing from extended family at the bris....

devash1

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 1:40 pm

I think imamother was the first time I ever heard about people getting turns to name their kids. We always agree on a name together it's not always easy but at the end of the day we're both happy with the name we picked together.

Another mom

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 1:54 pm

hesha wrote:

of course its your child and your choice but I also think that its very important to honor/give thanks to our parents, and this is one of the most meaningful ways. we didn't get where are on our own. we got to where we are because our parents invested huge huge amounts of time, effort, money, emotion, etc into parenting us. we are, in large parts, products of their toil. if the name is something you could get used to and live with, I think the mature thing is to give it. as a thanks to your mom in law for raising your husband. think of how you will feel if you desperately wanted a name for a deceased parent.

But she has other kids......
I also name after the older generation, but it's my decision, not pressured. And sometimes a second name

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 4:47 pm

Op I get you.
Half my pregnancy I was "groomed" about doing the "proper" thing and naming what I'm "supposed" to name my child.
One day before my oldest was born, my sister gave birth to a boy and named after my fathers father. Then dd came. Then 6 days later my other sister gave birth to a girl and named after her dhs grandmother. So my mom wanted dds name to be from "her side".

We do "chances" with names. First child is named after the baby's mothers side and second after the fathers and so forth. But we choose and decide together.
And so dds name had been decided as "Chana" (not the real name) when I told my mother mid pregnancy, that I hope it's a girl because I would so much want to name after my fathers mother Chana whom I loved very much. She had a rage fit
(Side note, She was a wonderful tzedeikes with beautiful middos and lots of chessed and so much class. I used to eat every shabbos at her house and she was always there with a smile, homemade honey cookies, chocolate and imported taffys she'd bring from her trips to Belgium. She was my escape. The only woman who loved me unconditionally. She loved me just because. She passed a year after I got married and I miss her very much. And she has a beautiful name that means 'love' -how perfect! So yeah, I wanted to name after her)

The pressure and harassment we got after that. Omg.
My mother claimed I was "obligated" to name after her mom because sister 'A' will name after dads parent..... so it's 'her' name now. And it's not "fair"
I got txt messages from my high school aged first cousin! Dh got calls and everyone was putting insane pressure. So my father told Dh that it might be a good idea to go to our rebbe and talk it over. This way he'll have "backing".
So he went into our rebbe and the rebbe ask how his wife was doing and if the baby was ok, then he asked Dh what name the mother wants to give so Dh told him the name and after whom so he asked Dh if Dh is ok with that name and he said yes. Then the rebbe said, she is the kimpetooren, naming a child is a sacred honor given to the parents of the child and we should name the child the name we chose.
And we named her.

Then all hell broke loose.

Funny thing, my mom already had a grandchild named after her mom. My dad didn't have a grandchild named after his mom.... but it wasn't "fair". Go figure.

Thing is, I would have named my child any other name rather than my moms moms name. As wonderful as my paternal grandmother was, that's how horrible my maternal grandmother was. Physically emotionally and s-xual/emotionally abusive to her grandkids. She was a terror to live with and be around. We all lived in fear from her. Even though she had a nice name I plan to never name after her.

I believe that a name has a lot to do with a shoresh heshama. I don't want my child neshama associated with a person who had bad middos.

At simchas when I meet extended family they all ask me how my oldest is doing and call her by my maternal grandmothers name. They don't ask about my other children Confused

And then I correct them with dds name and I always get the"look" some families are just sick.

Op, you carried this child, you will raise this child, you get to choose her name.

Funny anecdote, dhs grandmother, whenever she's told the name of a new grandchild her response is "mazal to a Sheina numen. abi nisht nooch meer" (mazal tov, a nice name, as long as the child isn't named after me) LOL

little neshamala

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 6:25 pm

devash1 wrote:

YUUUUUP

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 10:35 am

amother wrote:

Funny anecdote, dhs grandmother, whenever she's told the name of a new grandchild her response is "mazal to a Sheina numen. abi nisht nooch meer" (mazal tov, a nice name, as long as the child isn't named after me) LOL

Beautiful
We should all emulate this!

saw50st8

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 12:06 pm

amother wrote:

She wasn't upset that we named after my father, she just didn't agree that we ALSO named him after her husband. We disagree, but that's ok.

notshanarishona

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 6:29 pm

It's a nice thing and probably a mitzvah to make your mother happy but it's a worse thing to take a name you don't like that will make it difficult to bond with the child.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 6:37 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

It's a nice thing and probably a mitzvah to make your mother happy but it's a worse thing to take a name you don't like that will make it difficult to bond with the child.

There is an inyan not to name a chikd a name that they will be embaressed of

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 7:09 pm

amother wrote:

My husband got to name his kid after his mother. NO ONE wants this. I'm sure he would rather a thousand times not to have grandchildren named after his mother and still have her around.

Exactly what I was thinking, lucky me, I "got" to name my son after my father Rolling Eyes

I hope my kids will one day name their sons after him, he was a very special person, but it's their baby, their choice.

The posters writing about relatives calling their baby by the wrong name just because it's the name they wanted, I'm just flabbergasted. My own brother didn't name his son after our father because his wife refused, and while we were all upset and hurt, nobody said anything to either of them. Their baby, their choice. (Of course we all can't stand her, but that's because she's an all around jerk, it's not because of the baby's name.)

flowerpower

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 7:20 pm

I can't believe it. Your sister in law didn't want to name her kid after her husbands father? That is mighty selfish!!! What was her reason?

notshanarishona

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 7:22 pm

amother wrote:

There is an inyan not to name a chikd a name that they will be embaressed of

I agree. Amother didn't say the name was an embarassing name, just that she didn't like it, so I was addresing that point.
I agree with not naming an embarassing name, although coming up with a Hebrew equivalent is commonly done.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 7:24 pm

flowerpower wrote:

I can't believe it. Your sister in law didn't want to name her kid after her husbands father? That is mighty selfish!!! What was her reason?

Nobody knows but her and her husband. My brother was nice enough to let my mother know before the bris, so at least we weren't shocked in public, but we were all very hurt. But we would never ask them, it's not our business. And besides, we already knew she was a jerk, so while we were hurt and surprised, it wasn't as surprising coming from her.

amother

Rose

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 8:33 pm

I have 3 kids and have had this issue by the 2nd one the most. First ds was after my grandfather. First name. I did add an amateur that had special meaning to us but I do call him by grandfather's name. Everyone was ok with the name added. I did not tell a soultimate what I was naming till the bris so no one knew before hand and no one pestered us.
Dd was born and we had a big situation. (Anonymous cuz ppl no me and my story on here)
She was born on a Wednesday and we wanted to name first shabbos. Name was from dh side. Fil told us to pick from 2 names. I was really upset felt my baby I pick name. One of the names was a name never used in music circles so I didn't feel comfortable using it as kid would be embarrassed but this was someone dh was very close to. Other name was more noreal but I still didn't love. I told dh that if we put both names together it sister sound bad and he gets both of them in. 2 grandmother's. Dh decided to call fil and tell him the name before shabbos as we would be making the kiddush the next week so he wouldn't be here for the naming. FIL HAD A FIT. We shouldn't put both names together. I told dh then AS PARENTS OF OUR BABY WE ARE PICKING HER NAME OURSELVES. We decided to wait till kiddush the next week to name. We went back and forth on a bunch of names. On Wednesday we sent out an email about our kiddush that shabbos. 10 minutes later my mother's step mother passed away...I knew her as a grandmother. Now we were stuck. We had a baby girl not named and she passed away. We called a rav at that point. He told us to name what we want. (I couldn't use her name for other reasons) he said to name quietly on Thursday in shul. Tell both sets of patents and that's it. And make kiddush after her sloshI'm. That's what we did. We named after dh grandmother and added a name meaning love and said that was because my step grandmother was beloved to me. We made her kiddush at 6 weeks.
Ds 2. I had no boys names on my side that weren't used yet AND I KNEW. dh had 3 grandfather pass away in last 2 years. I chose one of their names because dh was very close to him. Other grandfather I never plan on naming after as he was a sour sad person. I added a name to that one as well. A name that haday meaning to us.

DO WHAT YOU WANT. IT'S UR BABY.

Miri7

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 8:38 pm

Two ideas:

Use the name as a middle name or

Don't use it at all so you can "save" it for one of her other kids to use.

In our family siblings don't use the same name, so we "saved" one name so my SiL, who was unmarried at the time, could use it. She was very close to the deceased relative. This was seen as a very kind gesture on our part (and we got to use the name we wanted!!!)

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 9:23 pm

amother wrote:

The posters writing about relatives calling their baby by the wrong name just because it's the name they wanted, I'm just flabbergasted. My own brother didn't name his son after our father because his wife refused, and while we were all upset and hurt, nobody said anything to either of them. Their baby, their choice. (Of course we all can't stand her, but that's because she's an all around jerk, it's not because of the baby's name.)

Nonono. They genuinely thought her name was "blank" when really her name was "chana".
When I correct them, I get the "look" cuz "omg-you-b!tch-you-rebel-you-mechutzev-you-didn't-name-her-"blank! Sick.
Other family is really surprised, like "wow, I didn't know you can DO THAT"
they didn't mean to call her by the wrong name.
(Except for a select few)

My poor dad got so much heat he was afraid to pick up the phone for me because he didn't want to be heard talking to me cuz then he'll be accused of ...... something.
He didn't want to discuss this cuz he very much wanted a grandchild named after his mother and he believes is the new parents choice.....

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 10:16 pm

Just remember what goes around comes around...

I have a family member who supposedly named her son after a deceased relative but changed the name enough such that her father felt that the name wasn't really used. When her younger sister gave birth a few months later the father asked as a big favor for her to name after the same relative and actually use the name. The sister complied. Fast forward 25 years or so and the older sister is furious at her children for only using family names as middle names but calling them more trendy names. Meanwhile the younger sister's children have named for relatives and actually use the proper names.

DH has a grandfather that has never been named for. There are not so many opportunities left for anyone to use the name (at least in this generation) so I know that if or when we ever have another boy then that will be his name. I don't love the name but I have no negative associations with it so I'm sure I would get used to it. It would really make some relatives extremely happy and that would please me.

greenfire

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 10:42 pm

devash1 wrote:

ditto - except our names were easy - like nevuah

amother

Pewter

Thu, Feb 02 2017, 4:05 am

My husband's grandmother passed away before I had my daughter. My mother-in-law expected us to use the name (which I hated) and mentioned it often. I stressed over it most of the pregnancy. Ultimately, I decided not to use the name at all, even as a middle name. My husband made a Siyum in memory of his grandmother to honor her memory in a different way.

I know many people who hate their names (and middle names). A name is tied with a persons identity. I don't think it's fair to give a child a name they might be ashamed of just to make someone else happy.