Weight and sibling issues...

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 4:43 pm

Here's the situation- 2 girls, one 10 and one 12. The 10 year old is heavy so I want to limit junk food. We do eat healthy to begin with- lots of fruits, vegetables, homemade dinners etc. but we also have snacks, dressings etc. so for the sake of the 10 year old (but never mentioned that part out loud) DH and I want to "be a healthy family" and just not have full calorie dressing in our home etc.
but here is the issue- the 12 year kid is tiny and underweight. She takes after the other side of the family lol. Her doctor actually said to have full calorie dressing! And snacks! She loves vegetables so if she will eat full fat dressing with them it will at least give her calories. She detests the healthier options and when I just replaced the dressing with a low calorie one, she complained bitterly. She is super smart- would never say it outright to her sister and is careful to never mention what size she wears etc but she did say to me privately that it was "unfair that we cut out snacks in the home because of DD10. I eat my veggies so why can't I have a snack?". I never said it was due to anyone's issues or ever made any comment about anyone's weight. I just changed what I bought at the store. But she realized that her sister is overweight and the only likely reason for the switch.
She likes the stuff everyone on the other threads here say to ban from the house and her doctor really did say to have snacks/full calorie stuff! I don't want to make her feel different as she has low esteem as people treat her as a little kid because of her height (not maturity or brains- those are above average!!)
Each kid has different and conflicting needs!

What to do?

amother

Wheat

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:50 pm

Low cal. Dressings may not be your best option for your 10 yr old.
A lot of them are missing the fat, but has tons of sugar.
You may be better off dressing the family salad, for example, with 2-3 Tbsp of olive oil. For a family of four that's less than 100 cal. extra. It will keep everyone satisfied longer
Add 2 more Tbsp of oil or mayo to the 12 yr old salad or veggies.
Mix it into her plate so no one is the wiser.

For snacks.
Can the 12 yr old keep a plastic box in her room, or another room, she can then put the unhealthy snacks in her backpack without her sister knowing.
At home only healthy snacks are permitted.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:53 pm

Why can't the 12 year old have snacks? Keep healthy snacks that everyone can have no need to serve junk even for a girl who could stand to gain some weight.
Full fat dressing is probably healthier. The full fat is more filling and can help with portion control. Continue to serve healthy foods and help them learn about healthy portions and exercise and they'll both be fine. Some kids are just underweight. It doesn't mean their unhealthy. If your underweight daughter is really at risk then talk to your ped about how to balance with the different needs.

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 7:22 pm

amother wrote:

I tried letting her have unhealthy snacks so her sister doesn't find out--- the 12 year old feels that she is having to sneak food. She feels awful about it- like she is doing something wrong. It goes back to my main point that I don't want her to get the unhealthy obsession about food. Thinking she needs to sneak around and hide food...

And no one likes the olive oil dressings. Not even me... And what- the entire family gets from the main bowl but my 12 year old gets her's portioned out like she is the one on a diet?

In an effort to protect the 10 year old my 12 year old is hurt!

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 7:28 pm

amother wrote:

Ped has no ideas. Except that she should eat full fat/calorie stuff. The supplement drinks out there are gross or she cant have (most dairy is a problem for her). She may not be dangerously underweight but it isn't very healthy... One can starve just eating celery sticks.
I know it has a lot to do with metabolism and genetics.
I don't want to deprive my 12 year old when trying to help the 10 year old! Obesity is the big fear these days so everyone I ask is focused on helping the 10 year old but my 12 year old feels like a "secondary thought". She feels punished because she is skinny.
If we keep snacks in the house, the 10 year old will eat too many but to not have them means my 12 year old can't enjoy them.

mummiedearest

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 9:10 pm

op, if your older child is underweight, she needs more than calories. she needs nutrition. junk food will not help her grow healthily. don't cut the fat out of anyone's diet. cook with butter, buy full-fat dairy products, serve meat, chicken with the skin on, etc. make a healthy dressing that is full fat if your kids want dressing. cutting out the processed junk can make a huge difference in your kids' overall well-being. the purpose of maintaining a healthy weight is not the number, it's the effect of extra/too little weight on the body. you want to prevent the negative side effects of unhealthy weight. the weight itself is not the goal.

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 10:27 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

She eats all of that except the dairy. Allergic. But she eats chicken with skin, avocados, hard boiled eggs, whole grain, lots of vegetables, fruits etc. but she burns it all off. I explained what she eats regularly. Ped said she needs calories.

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 10:40 pm

Great ideas on healthy stuff to eat but the 12 year old is resentful of the 10 year old. Dressing or no dressing. She wants to be able to have a little dessert or something unhealthy! The only reason she can't is the 10 year old's weight issue. She's too smart to buy the "the whole family is going healthy now" reason- we always were pretty healthy in general.
She reads a lot and knows a small amount of sugar isn't terrible. Yeah it can make you crave more but she is content with a small amount, it's her sister who doesn't get portion control so we can't have it around. She is getting the bad feelings about healthy eating. In her mind- why can't she have a tiny piece of cake leftover from shabbos just because her sister will eat 2 big slices?

amother

Violet

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 11:51 am

agreer wrote:

Life isn't fair. Both of your children will have to learn that. They may as well start now.

Sometimes, 12DD won't be able to have snacks. Sometimes, 10DD won't be able to eat what her sister is eating.

Yeah, I get that. But in all these other threads people consistently say to just get rid of the junk. To make it a family agenda to be healthy. But it's not so simple!!

amother

Lilac

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

Yeah, I get that. But in all these other threads people consistently say to just get rid of the junk. To make it a family agenda to be healthy. But it's not so simple!!

Again, none of your kids needs to eat junk. I think that's your problem. Sneaking junk food to one kid so another doesn't feel bad is not going to work. Tell your 12 year old that it's not a punishment and it's not her younger sisters fault, but that you want to make a positive change for the whole family. But you have to believe it and be consistent. You say your older daughter is not at a dangerous weight, but she'll starve just eating celery. No one is saying anyone should be eating only celery. There's a huge difference between junk food snacks and only celery. Serve healthy food to everyone and help them learn appropriate portions. It will be good for both kids.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 1:04 pm

amother wrote:

Yeah, I get that. But in all these other threads people consistently say to just get rid of the junk. To make it a family agenda to be healthy. But it's not so simple!!

Yup get rid of the junk and the sugars that you use in cooking, I'm talking duck sauce, cranberry sauce and the jams etc. Your thin DD isn't going to starve, and everyone will be getting healthier food. Give up the pasta and potatoes for whole grains. Make some time for the whole family to exercise together as well.

You set an unhealthy precedent by keeping junk food and making it available. Now it's time for you to lead.

lucky14

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 3:03 pm

OK I'm really confused. If this suddenly gets all extreme like this wont that be setting them up to sneak the sweet stuff outside of the house? (especially the one who's begging for it). What's wrong with either of them having like one or two junky things a day? And then the rest of the time eating healthy? Maybe don't keep tons of it in the house, but what's wrong with a few "treat" items in the house and everyone can have like one or two a day?

amother

Lilac

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 3:56 pm

lucky14 wrote:

I think as long as you don't try to stop them from eating it out and explain that their foods that are ok to be eaten on occasion, that they will get
It and not go overboard or look for it elsewhere. Kids don't need multiple treats everyday.

dimyona

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 4:16 pm

Since they're exposed to similar diets, this weight difference is clearly due to differences in metabolism.

Stop governing everything that goes into your children's mouths; it's a matter of time before your 10 year old catches on to this and has serious body image issues.

Rather, encourage lots of physical activity for both children, and an overall healthy lifestyle. Your children are still young, and the chubby one may yet thin out as she goes through puberty, while the opposite can occur for the older child. They may have vastly different body types their entire lives, which is OK.

Unless your obese child has a health issue like high blood pressure or cholesterol, I wouldn't obsess over the amount of fat or calories in her dressing, and instead stock healthy food for everyone while encouraging an overall healthy lifestyle.