Weight and sibling issues...

amother

Violet

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:54 pm

5*Mom wrote:

I think changing this perspective is where you should focus. It's not called sneaking around; it's called being kind and considerate. I have a 2 yr old who loves cheese and yogurt but she can't have dairy. Someone's always eating dairy around here, she's always asking for it and always being told no. She freaks out every. single. time. So I've asked the kids to eat their dairy in a particular spot in the kitchen where dd2 can't see them as a kindness to her.

Same thing with nosh, actually. Say I bake cookies or muffins with my little ones and everyone gets one. Later older sibs come home - one at a time, of course - and want their cookies or muffins. If dd2 sees them eating it, she will freak out for another one but she already had her share and can't understand that; to her it's cookie/muffin time again, 5 times a day. So I ask them to eat their cookie out of her sight as a kindness to her. Not because there's something wrong with eating dairy or cookies, but because it is kind and considerate not to tempt someone with something they can't or shouldn't have. Can you try to help her see it this way?

Best idea thus far so thank you. But she told me that she "already does so much out of kindness to her sister." She is tired of it and it is pushing her to her breaking point. She doesn't make mean comments, hasn't gotten annoyed at her sister over this (just me), doesn't tease... And accepts all that. She does a lot for the sake of her sister: not mention the size of her skirts when shopping (she whispers to me that she needs the smaller size), not yell at her sister for wearing her shells and stretching them out, or 100 different scenarios I could come up with. I try to intervene when her younger sister makes fun of her but many times it's out of my earshot and I only hear of it hours later.

She has been pushed and pushed and I don't want to push her beyond her limits which I think this is. She is a member of the family and is tired of feeling guilty for being small. She just wants to eat her snack at the table like everyone else! (No food elsewhere in the house... We had a bug issue plus for pesach).

The 10 year old isn't 2. She should learn maturity, self control etc and that life is not fair. Why is it all on my 12 year old? Why should my 12 year old learn that life isn't fair again but never the 10 year old? I am pained for her as I see the struggle she has.

lucky14

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 3:47 pm

amother wrote:

Long response, sorry...
OK so here it is. I think you kind of answered it for yourself. If this is how you feel then this is how you should deal with it. You're right. Siblings do stuff for each other but we're only human and she is still a child (12 is young still I think). You feel like you're pushing her too far to try to be so careful so maybe you shouldn't. Let her eat her snacks and stuff. Personally I think if that's the case you should allow the 10 year told to as well. You have to decide what your goals are as far as family health. Is your 10 year old aware that she's overweight? How does she feel about this? Does she know healthy foods vs. unhealthy? How does she feel about making choices? I wouldn't let the 12 year old eat as much sugary/chip/desert foods as she wants though. Moderation is key. I know there are those who are posting on here saying this stuff should be banned from the house, but personally I think for kids who aren't on board with that it's leading for binging and/or an unhealthy food relationship.

By letting your older one eat this stuff in front of the other then that may mean the 10 year old may eat more of this stuff then you'd like her to eat. It sounds like there's no easy answer to your dilemma. Your older daughter doesn't want to "hide" it and it sounds like you don't want to ask any more of her about this.

I suggest just telling them each they can pick out a few snacky junky treaty things a day (whatever you want to call them). The older one shouldn't be overdoing it anyway and if they younger eats healthy the rest of the day it shouldn't really be making much of a difference anyway (she shouldn't feel deprived either btw). Try as hard as you can to up the exercise.
If you have a computer at home I think you can get one of those "dance" mat things that you hook up to your computer. That's a fun way to get some movement in.

5*Mom

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 4:19 pm

amother wrote:

sister for wearing her shells and stretching them out, or 100 different scenarios I could come up with. I try to intervene when her younger sister makes fun of her but many times it's out of my earshot and I only hear of it hours later.

I think this bit is really where it's at. My kids are much less inclined to be kind and considerate of their little sister after she's gotten into their room and colored in their math notebook, IYKWIM. I think the weight issue and the food issue is a red herring. I think your older dd is upset by some of the things her younger sister does to her that she feels - rightly or wrongly, I don't know - are not dealt with and her sister gets away with. She has no room in her heart right now for kindness towards her sister, and I think you need to give this your attention. Spend some time with her privately, hear her out about the things she's upset about, validate her feelings, and work together to come up with solutions. Don't address the food issue with her just now. This conversation - or series of conversations - should be about her.