A bad mother for leaving my baby?

Boysclub

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 11:36 am

I am in my second year of graduate school as a part-time student. Because I am going part-time, the program itself will take me three years instead of two years. My husband and I asked a shilah before I began, because the extra year would mean extra tuition and possibly more children by that time, iy"H. However, I wanted to go part-time because I did not want to spend too much time away from my baby, who is now one year and a half, k'nina hara. Now I am in school three days a week, but one of those days is from 9 AM to 8 PM, and another day is from 3:30 PM- 9PM. Which means I cannot give my baby dinner and put him to bed two days a week. I feel so guilty, even though my husband does not mind doing it. I feel like I am not fulfilling my "motherly role" if I cannot bathe my child and put him to bed. Do you think my baby will be affected by me not being with him at this time? I cannot wipe away the guilt. Sad

Nicole

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 11:52 am

I do not doubt that you will get some nasty posts about how you are totally disgusting for doing this to your child and how dare you so I will quickly try to write a positive answer before they do!

As someone who just graduated school, and will soon begin to work, I definitely feel your pain. As Jewish mothers, we can't help but want to do what's absolutely best for our children. I know, in my case, it's either I go to work, or we end up in big "no money" trouble. It rips my heart out, but I know that in my situation this is necessary.
B'h - you have the opportunity to go to school part time, and chose to do this even though it will take longer and may become a little bit more complicated. Good for you! You are taking steps to be able to be with your child more and this can only have a positive affect.
Two nights week you won't be there in the evening with your child- but the other five nights you will be. Try to direct your energy toward being a good, attentive mom during the time you are with him. And when you can't be, at least your husband can be there to take over- and not some strange babysitter. (not that that doesn't become neccesary sometimes, too, sometimes it does!)
You can try to coordinate with your dh so that the bedtime ritual stays the same - it will help your child feel safe even if mom isn't there for bedtime.
And other than that- be the best you can be! That's all Hashem asks of us. We all make mistakes and we all have less than ideal situations- we just have to keep going and make the best of it and try to be as good as we can.

happymom

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 1:22 pm

if its your husband doing it imo theres no difference and as long as the child is with ONE parent, its fine! now if it was a babysitter that long id say I can see why you feel so guilty, but fathers are great and my dughter loves when my husband bathes her and puts her to bed! im sure its not a good feeling that u cant do it and u want to, but im sure ure husband is good for your baby...

Tamiri

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 3:00 pm

I am a SAHM and an advocate for staying at home (unless there is no choice, of course). If you are not at home and have one person (the same one) taking care of your baby while you are gone, that is next best. You are describing a SAHM situation, with the father there when mom isn't. What could be better? Baby will be fine. Just as an aside: what do you plan to do once you get that degree? Will you be torn between realizing your potential as a "worker" and your first love, your children? How does it work? (I am seriously asking this, no judging etc., not making fun. I really want to know).

tzatza

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 3:30 pm

Tamiri, one should not contradict another. Some women are better moms BECAUSE they are employed outside of home. A lot depends on the personality (of course financial issues aside). It is finding the right balance between workplace and home, namely children, that matters. With my first DS I had to go back to work when he was 6 months old. I quit after a year because it was tiring me out and I didn't spend much time with my baby (really no time). But... I went back to work 6 months later (another job). It was closer to home, I adjusted my hours, and I dropped my son off at daycare at 9, picked him up at 2:45 and spent the rest of the day with him. I know that more kids may be harder (I now have two, B"H), but things can be done. Again, it is all about BALANCE.

amother

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 11:32 pm

It personally sounds a lot healthier than a situation in which a mother is home all the time but the father never has time for the children (not even 5 minutes a day)..The child has balanced exposure to both parents...I think it's great! (Anon because I never know what is going to tick people off anymore... LOL

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