Replaced car seat--How to explain to husband

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 10:18 am

I bought it used for a year or two, and I've been using it for another year. It still has another 10 months until it expires. My kids picked at the Styrofoam in some places and the cloth piece pops up from the car seat, exposing the styrofoam and plastic underneath. There are a few small dents on the side of the car seat. My baby is a year old and could use this infant seat for sure until it expires. I just wonder if I should chuck it and get a 3 in 1 since he'll need that anyway in a year. If a car seat doesn't look perfect anymore but it isn't expired, do you chuck it or keep it?

Well, I bought it already. It arrived in the mail this morning and I just installed it. How do I explain this to my super stingy husband?

LittleDucky

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 10:36 am

Firstly, I never buy used car seats. You just don't know where it's been. I will borrow from a relative I trust to tell me if it was in any accident but only if I trust them.
Next, cosmetic reasons aren't IME a sign of actual damage. However dents might be a sign of worse stuff you can't see.
I would buy a 3 in 1 definitely since your kid will use it. You should aim to rear face until 2, and it is the law in some states to do so, even if you are just "passing through" the state. NJ , CA, PA, and others are rear face until 2 by LAW.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:07 pm

OP here, I should really restate my question: I am uncomfortable with this car seat, even though it should still technically be fine. We are tight on money and my husband is very stingy. How should I explain to him that I already bought a new one, it came today, and I just installed it?

seeker

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:17 pm

I would buy a new convertible car seat.

A 3-in-1 does not rear-face, which makes it less safe for a toddler. Kids should ideally be rear-facing as long as the car seat allows.

A convertible car seat will be able to rear-face your child until they're at least 3, and then forward-face until they are old enough for a booster. Booster seats are inexpensive enough that you don't really lose out by not having a 3-in-1. A brief look at Babies R Us and Walmart websites is telling me that you can get convertibles cheaper than 3-in-1s anyway, if that's your concern.

I would not continue to use the one you have. As LittleDucky said, you can't be sure how it was used before you got it, plus the dents sound suspect to me. You'd have to be pretty hard on a car seat to dent it.

amother

Silver

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

Tell him the other one wasn't safe so you bought a new one that you would need anyways in a year and it will carry you through

seeker

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:27 pm

Oh, that's really interesting, it does seem to say it works rear-facing, and I've never before heard of a 3-in-1 that does! You learn something new every day. And the price is right too.

Just tell your husband that your child needs this for his safety. And tell him also that you got a bargain because it's 3 in 1 and you could have spent a lot more...

amother

Red

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:28 pm

Sounds like a Shalom Bayis question more than a car seat question.

It sounds like you would have needed to buy a car seat in a few months anyway. If this was on sale (I hope) then it makes perfect sense for you to just have bought it now.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:30 pm

My dh is so unbelievably stingy too. He didn't want me to get shoes for my walking kid Rolling Eyes

I've discovered the best thing is to just buy the item and avoid getting into a talk about it. No matter what I bring up, the answer is always 'that's so unnecessary.' Until he has to use the item, then he discovers it is quite necessary.
I think you can mention to him casually 'the old car seat was unsafe. We got a new one. Do you want to look at it?'

ETA: hey, no need for the hugs. The issue is when I try to discuss it with him, his opinion is always no. Nothing has ever happened when I do it anyway. Thank god I feel comfortable to budget myself and I buy whatever I need.

greenfire

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:32 pm

when kids need shoes you buy them ... when a baby needs a car seat, same deal ... when you need to pay the electric or other bills they will turn it off

sometimes you have to ignore the person who tells you safety isn't a compromise

amother

Mustard

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:13 pm

"DH - I know we generally discuss larger purchases together before we make them, but in this case, this was a need - not a a want, so I went ahead an purchased the best value car-seat I could find. I've installed it already - do you want to see it?"

amother

Copper

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:30 pm

avoid approaching him nervous and with excuses. it will set a tone you dont want and he will pick up on that. approach with confidence and matter of factly as previous posters said. You realized there was a safety issue and you took care of it. (BTW you really did the right thing with the car seat, good move)

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:35 pm

amother wrote:

Yeah, see, we don't discuss purchases. So maybe this is a bigger issue. No matter what it is, he will disagree and not want to buy it, so I learned to stop asking. I just do it. I write down every single thing we buy, down to a 4 dollar coffee on our program on the computer, so he sees what I buy. I just can't stand the conversations because he will always look for used, refurbished, second hand, or not at all. If it were up to him, we would live in a two bedroom apartment without a car and pick berries for breakfast. My parents are rich. I never didn't get something I wanted my entire life. My husband also grew up comfortable (but his parents are much more average in what they gave the kids and did plenty of DIY stuff). I think this is a religious thing that got him like this...he wants to live on bread and water and be like R Eliyashiv. Bless him, I don't have any complaints in any other area, but we can't seem to get anywhere with money.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 3:10 pm

I'm not sure which one disturbs me more, that he is so casual about the safety of his children, or that he is so controlling about money. It also worries me that OP seems to be afraid to talk to him. That's a big red flag for financial and emotional control issues, if not outright abuse.

OP, look into "religious OCD". It sounds like your DH is in need of therapy. You should get some for yourself, too, so that you won't be so afraid of how he might react.

If you need to consult a financial planner, set up a monthly budget so that you have your own spending money. Having to report a cup of coffee is NOT normal, no matter how poor you are.

DH can be as pious as he wants to be, but not on your or the kid's cheshbon. Insisting that everyone suffer for his meshugas is completely unreasonable. If you have to, talk to DH's rav, and have him explain your ketubah. DH is obligated to provide for you and the kids, and that includes providing safety equipment.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 4:31 pm

Sorry FF, you are off the mark. He isn't controlling and he isn't OCD. Like I said, I buy whatever I want and he sees whatever I buy and once it is bought he doesn't say a word. It's just that BEFORE the purchase, he would argue, so I don't ask.

So he came in this PM and I said, "I got a new carseat because the old one was no good anymore." He said, "oh. ok." I said, "it was a good price and it will turn into a forward facing and a booster." He said, "does it expire in two years?" I said "no, 10" He said, "fine. good. fine." That was the end of it. I guess I am more SCARED that he will freak, even though he rarely does post purchase.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 4:57 pm

amother wrote:

"DH I purchased a new carseat. Its in the car now if you want to look at it. I recognize our philosophy with regards to spending money is different. Since I make decisions about our children's safety - this was a purchase for me to make, and unlike you I don't always buy used things, but I did look for the most economical one. I love you."

amother

Red

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 10:32 pm

OP, been thinking about this.

I agree with you that there is no abuse going on with finances, there are those that are more or less stingy, and some of us (me included) like to know where money is going to even if we aren't criticizing it. I like having a record of how much we spent this year on coffee for example. I don't think that is a moral failing, to always want to get cheaper (I've been that way too.)

If you are fine with it, no need to force DH to change. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, neither is he.

I'm just sad for you about being afraid of him freaking out - if I were you, I think I would work on trying to change that. Be prepared if it happens with a calm answer, not defending your action, but defending your right to be addressed reasonably.