Moral dilemma-am I selfish for cancelling due to miscarriage

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

1 2 3 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

bepositive

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 12:59 pm

we are a young couple. a seminary girl who I vaguely know from my hometown randomly called me that she is coming to israel for a wedding, and asked whether she can stay by me from thursday to monday.
even though I really couldn't be bothered entertaining her, I felt bad for her, because she has no friends or family here, so I said yes.

in the meantime, I went through a miscarriage, and obviously we are going through a hard time now. I really need my space, and I don't want anyone staying by me now.
I felt really bad, but I cancelled her today, apologising a thousand times over, and saying that something came up... I even asked a lot of people if they can take her in, and nobody was able to.
she said that now she doesn't know whether she'll be able to come if she has nowhere to stay.... I felt terrible for doing this!
she said she will continue looking for a place to stay.

do you think I should just tell her to stay by me, even though I REALLY cannot be bothered? am I mean for thinking about myself first?

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:05 pm

No I know how you feel I've had miscarriages.. you need your space and you shouldn't feel guilty
It's really nice of you to call other people to ask

Rachel Shira

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:08 pm

Hard one!
Normally I would say that your health and privacy and whatever else you need come first, but if she's coming in to Israel and was counting on staying at your house, it feels a little different to me. Then again, she can get a hotel room or something...
Will she just be sleeping there or will you also need to feed/entertain her? I'm inclined to say that if she can't find another place, tell her you won't be available for anything but she's welcome to sleep.
Hugs! Sorry about the miscarriage. I know the last thing you want to be thinking about is a guest. Do what you need to do for yourself.

amother

Peach

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:24 pm

NO! You had a miscarriage! That is a major big deal. There is no reason to push yourself beyond your limits right now. You need pampering and support. Now is not the time to be giving. I would tell the girl, "I am so sorry. We are going through some difficult personal things right now. I hate doing this to you, but I really can't host right now." Nothing good comes out of people pushing themselves farther than they can handle. If it were me, I would spend the week (month?) at the spa and come home and watch tv hugs, this is really hard. Hug

If I were really feeling guilty, I might ask a neighbor or other friend to host her. It's not like you know her well or she is a relative. There are plenty of people in Israel that can host for a weekend.

notshanarishona

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:24 pm

Once she has booked a ticket assuming she has a place to stay I would push myself to either host or find her a place.
Hugs

tichellady

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:38 pm

It's a complex situation and I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I am sorry for your loss!

watergirl

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:41 pm

Hold it. You only vaguely know her and she has no issue coming to stay at your place for free? I hate when people all of a sudden remember that they know me when they need a place to crash. If you tell her that youre having an unexpected health issue and drs orders (I'm sure your dr will agree) is to stay in bed. Its not your problem that she wanted a free B&B in Israel. It is all her choice to come or to cancel her plane ticket. She is more than welcome to stay in a hotel or to find another friend who she vaguely knows. Don't feel bad and good for you for taking care of yourself first. I'm sorry for your loss and hugs.

Last edited by watergirl on Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:42 pm; edited 1 time in total

octopus

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:41 pm

I think you did the right thing for yourself. You are dealing with a loss right now. It's a stinky situation all around.

bepositive

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 1:49 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Once she has booked a ticket assuming she has a place to stay I would push myself to either host or find her a place.
Hugs

when she asked me, she said she had already booked her ticket...

amother

Ruby

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:06 pm

No question about it - you come first

Im sorry for your loss
May you be able to make simchos soon

greenfire

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:13 pm

sorry for your miscarriage ... it's a painful time & you need to allow yourself to mourn

you did the right thing by taking care of your health and went above & beyond to try and find her different accommodations regardless of whether she booked her ticket before or after ...

there are youth hostiles for a fraction of hotel costs - she can always go that route

http://www.hostels.com/jerusalem/israel

no need for guilt

amother

Silver

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:15 pm

bepositive wrote:

when she asked me, she said she had already booked her ticket...

Then you really have no obligation. She can stay in a hotel. Take care of yourself.

ChutzPAh

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:20 pm

amother wrote:

Then you really have no obligation. She can stay in a hotel. Take care of yourself.

This. If she only bought a ticket after she knew she had free lodging, that would be a different situation. But she did buy a ticket not knowing that, and that she may need to pay for a hotel.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:24 pm

As someone who had 2 miscarriages, and got pushed into things I wasn't ready for, even while the miscarriage was happening, I say GOOD FOR YOU for cancelling! You come first right now. You aren't being selfish. You are looking after your own well-being. Plus, you barely even know her. Guaranteed, she knows someone else in Israel. My seminary age daughter just went to Israel for a trip and it's amazing how many people you realize you know in a place when you are travelling. I'm sure she'll find someone else. Hugs to you and get some rest!

imasinger

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 2:32 pm

She can also look on Airbnb.

Refuah shleima to you. I'm sorry for your loss. Hug

anonymrs

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 3:11 pm

Sending you a hug! I lost a pregnancy recently and I think you did the right thing! Right now, your priority is to take care of yourself. You were exceptionally kind to even try to find another place for her. THere are plenty of hotels in Israel, she doesn't need to sleep on a park bench. Feel good!

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 3:20 pm

I flew to Israel and stayed at family. I purchased insurance, which included if my family cancels hosting us due to medical reasons, we can cancel our tickets. I make sure for reasons simular to yours. I could not afford the hotel stay.

amother

Gold

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 6:10 pm

She hardly even knows you. I am really surprised that anyone thinks you should host now. Do we have to wait until we're bleeding to death to put ourselves first?
Sorry for being overdramatic but I hosted a family for a Yom Tov meal the day after I came home from a d&c. Long story . . .
It's ok to put our health first. No guilt allowed.

notshanarishona

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 6:12 pm

IF she booked her ticket before you said yes, then I would feel much less guilty canceling. Although I would probably give her some info so she realizes you have a good reason for cancelling.

momofqts

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 7:41 pm

You need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Im sorry for your loss!

Page 1 of 3

1 2 3 Next