Moral dilemma-am I selfish for cancelling due to miscarriage

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

dina125

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:07 am

I agree with others that YOU come first. With many hugs! I'm so sorry for your loss - may you be gebentched soon with only simchos!

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 2:19 am

You did the right thing! You even went ahead and made phone calls for her. But you know what? there are apartments out there that she can rent. Stop obsessing over the fact that you had to say no. You are a lady and deserve your space! I am very against young couples having singles over at their houses, they dont belong there.
You went through a loss you are emotionally and physically drained. You should treat yourself to a manicure or a facial.
Youre good!

Another mom

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 11:10 am

bepositive wrote:

when she asked me, she said she had already booked her ticket...

So if she didn't book it "Al Tnai" then I don't see why you have to host her. Hard to believe she knows no one else. Maybe the kalla can help her with phone numbers or a B&B ( many on the internet)

bepositive

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 11:24 am

OP here. Thanks for the replies. The thing is she is a young girl and her parents would never let her stay somewhere alone. Her parents are BTs and she has no family. None of her friends are married so they can't host her... I also found it weird that she called a young couple...

SixOfWands

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 12:33 pm

I'm sorry for your loss.

How much notice did you give her of the change of plans?

Unquestionably, you did put her in a bad position. She thought she had a place to stay. Maybe she could have made other arrangements if you had declined originally, and is unable to do so now, particularly as others may now be staying at the other places she could have called -- IOW, she might have been able to make alternative plans earlier, but be unable to do so now.

That doesn't mean that you're wrong in cancelling. You've suffered a loss. You're not up to hosting. That's quite understandable. You've no need to feel guilty.

But I think we still have to recognize that the jilted guest has been put in a bad position as well, and not (as others -- not OP) seem to think, nothing more than a freeloader whose feelings shouldn't be considered.

Sometimes one person can be right (OP) while the other (guest) can still be wronged.

amother

Amber

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 12:50 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

This.
Many many many years ago, a close relative cancelled something my child had really really been looking forward to. She gave no reason, and was very abrupt about the cancellation. To this day, I wouldn't have known the reason except someone let it slip that she had had a miscarriage
Anyway, my kid was devastated. I was angry and felt so hurt for me and my kid. Led to me saying something I shouldn't have and long story short, my sister hasn't spoken to me in 16 years.
Sorry if this is totally off topic, I'm just trying to illustrate how you can both be right and wronged.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 12:57 pm

I'm going to take the other side here.

I understand some of the pain of miscarriage, because I had one after secondary infertility, and it was very painful emotionally. I am guessing yours is even worse if it's your first.

But I also understand going to Israel and then being stranded without a place to sleep/eat, etc. When I was 22 I went for Succos and had plans to stay with someone. After the first 2 days she told me to find somewhere else to stay because she just started dating her bashert and she didn't want me around. I was kind of ok with this.

I called up a girl that I had met at the airport on the way to Israel, who I kind of knew from NY (from a pay phone, at the central bus station). Her family lived in Maale Adumim. Finally I got through and she said I could stay with them tonight. It was the middle of the night, but I caught the bus over there.

Then my plans for the 2nd days also fell through, with no explanation. I was really stuck. I called the family in Maale Adumim and spoke to their teenage son, who said I could stay there again. By this time it looked like I missed the last bus so I hailed a cab. What do you know - it was an Arab, I was all alone at 12:30, and he drove into an Arab village with shepherds in the desert. I said shema and didn't know what else to do. I didn't have a cell phone, and no one was really expecting me anywhere. What a way to go, and at such a young age. Then I had an idea to bribe the driver with lots of money and promises to recommend his car service. He was cool with this and took $80 from me (everything I had) and took me to Maale Adumim.

Basically I almost died because 2 hosts left me stranded in Israel without a place to stay. Please try to find her a neighbor or someone else from your town.

watergirl

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:13 pm

amother wrote:

No. You "almost died" because you went to Israel for succos with less than $100 for an emergency, and at the age of 22 it didnt occur to you to get a room for pay somewhere.

watergirl

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:14 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Remember that this girl first booked her tickets, THEN called op for a place to stay. Thats irresponsable on her part - why would you do that?

ora_43

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:32 pm

Does she need to be in a certain area of Israel? Maybe one of us imamothers can help.

I'd host her (assuming she passes a quick check for "is real, non-criminally-insane person who people know"). I'm not in the Jlem area, though.

Sorry for your loss, OP. You were very generous to offer to host her at all, and you shouldn't feel at all bad that you can't do it in the end. You have a genuine medical emergency. (post-miscarriage care for yourself is also a real medical need)

BrachaBatya

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:43 pm

You did the right thing - I don't blame you. I'm so sorry for your miscarriage.

SixOfWands

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 2:09 pm

watergirl wrote:

Remember that this girl first booked her tickets, THEN called op for a place to stay. Thats irresponsable on her part - why would you do that?

Maybe she had another place fall through before that.

Maybe she thought that there was a hotel available in walking distance to where she needs to be, particularly for Shabbat (remember, she asked to stay Thursday to Monday; I'm guessing she'll be in Israel longer), but there wasn't, or they were all booked.

Maybe she intended to do an Air BnB with a friend, but the friend backed out, and her parents are throwing a fit about her staying alone in a strange place. Or maybe no Air BnBs are available. Or the only ones available are rooms in a home where the lessors are home.

Maybe she's 22 and a bit irresponsible and made a mistake. I've made many myself, and see my tween and teen kids making them as well. It happens.

And in any case, what difference would it have made if she had booked her trip after confirming with OP. OP would still be cancelling. The fact is, she had a place to stay. Now she doesn't.

I'm certainly not condemning OP. She's doing what is right for her, as she should. Things, unfortunately, happen. But I don't get the condemnation of the erstwhile guest.

Last edited by SixOfWands on Mon, Feb 06 2017, 5:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

smily

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 2:33 pm

""I'd host her (assuming she passes a quick check for "is real, non-criminally-insane person who people know"). I'm not in the Jlem area, though. ""

Not everyone has experience in planning it right.
Sorry for your miss. Hashem should bench you IH to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.
I like above posters response. Maybe someone reading this could help out this young lady.

amother

Salmon

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 3:40 pm

Don't host.

I had a miscarriage after infertility treatments recently. I basically cancelled everything - told people I had emergency surgery (I had a D&C, so it wasn't too much of a stretch), so even though I really, really inconvenienced some people, my excuse sounded valid. If OP had come on here and said she had emergency surgery and is recovering, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have told her to host the girl anyway. It is ok to say no to people when you need to take care of yourself, and this is one of those times. I would agree that you should try to find somewhere else for her to stay if you can, but even if you can't, you still shouldn't have her

mha3484

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 4:14 pm

I had a D&C erev shavous/shabbos years ago. I was supposed to host a sheva brachos on yomtov. Once I found out I called the cohostess and bailed. Luckily someone else was able to have it but there was no way I could have.

naomi2

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 4:15 pm

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Last edited by naomi2 on Tue, Feb 07 2017, 12:48 am; edited 1 time in total

Librarian

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 5:40 pm

So sorry for your loss. I would recommend that you host her. From my own (multiple) unfortunate experience I can tell you that you will still be trying to get it together long after she is gone. In other words, it will not be too late to grieve and recuperate after you host her. Wishing you many simchos Smile

yksraya

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 5:48 pm

Sometimes you gotta be selfish in order to be selfless. You gotta do what's best for you. Getting burned out is not a good idea.

notshanarishona

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 7:19 pm

Tell her to call up the wedding hosts and say her plans fell through and she needs accomodations. If she is close enough to fly in for their simcha they should be able to find her a place.

bepositive

Tue, Feb 07 2017, 3:10 pm

OP here. BH she just told me show found a place to stay!
I am so relieved. bh it worked out for both of us. thanks for all your advice.

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