I feel like such a bad mother- I want to change!

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 11:12 am

its soo depressing!
I feel like such a bad, nervous mother all the time and I HATE myself for it.
I really want to be an amazing loving and patient mother, and in general, im not a mean nervous person at all. its just that my kids are sooo tough, soo chutzpadig, and soooo kvetchy all the time that I just end up getting nervous being around them.
I bh have 3 adorable children and I love them. But they test me all the time. my oldest is 7 1/2 kih and he doesnt know what listening to a mother means. He actually never listens and has no problem telling me NO in my face, when I ask him to do something. seriously speaking, as much as I dont want to scream at him, I find myself lashing out at him 5 min after he comes home from cheder. how could I not? he comes home, right away makes sure to fight with someone, for 1 reason or another, ignores me when I command him to do s/t. And the interesting thing is, hes not a mean kid, or a kid with any issues (I think so) He also cant take No for an answer, if I decide to say no, he will kvetch and kvetch and kvetch until my ears will burst.
My 2nd child, is 5 year old girl. same story. Usually doesnt listen and is SOOO kvetch. right after coming home from school shes busy kvetching. no talking, only kvetch kvetch.
I really try to remain patient and talk nicely, but I give up soo fast. I tell her that I wont listen to her as long as she kvetches, and only when she talks will I hear what she has to say. but after an hour of kvetching straight into my ear, I usually loose it!
1 more thing that makes it very hard is that my kids arent playful at all. they never sit down and play with toys, all they do is tag around me. if I walk into the bathroom, I have 3 shadows behind me. no exaggeration. if I cook supper, I have 2 chairs by the side of me helping me peel veg or wash dishes. (never mind that my kitchen is a 5x5)
anyway, I really want to hear from other mothers around here some advice or if u have experience with this.
I really want to be a better mother. I want to have a wonderful relationship with my children, and not that they should only know me as a nervous screaming mother.
pls help me!

amother

Mustard

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 12:47 pm

They probably just need your attention for a few minutes each after being away from you for the whole day. Try to clear up some time - 5/10 minutes? when they come home so they each have your full attention for a short time alone (counts as alone time even if the other kids are in the room).

Do this again before bed time. Ask them for one good thing that happened that day, something they learned in school, share something that happened in your day.

Kids crave connection with their parents. I never got it, and had to learn to give it to my children. If they do not get it they will act out.

Worked for me.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 12:58 pm

Thank you for all replies so far.
Just to answer a couple of questions.

Yes, I do live in small apt (almost moving iyh) but I do go out to work every day and bh have great job. I do take care of myself also, (just came back from vacation actually)
To those that said my kids meed attention, for the first 20 min after they come home, I always sit w them, give them s/t to eat snd try to shmooze about the day. Doesnt work as they usually just kvetch.. and if it does, as soon as att time is over they go back to klinging to me and dont play with toys.
As far as my son, he comes home at 530 amd its cold and dark to ride bikes then. But that would have been good idea.

And what do I do to the fact that they dont listen ot just tell me big fat NO When commanded to do s/t.

Parenting classed r too expensive at the time.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 1:14 pm

amother wrote:

You have used the word 'commanded' more than once in your posts and trust me I am not judging bc I've been there- but we need to respect our children as they are people too and our job is not to 'command' them to do things but to encourage them and guide them. If you can't afford parenting classes, definitely get some books. How to talk so kids will listen is a good book to start with.

Good luck!

amother

Ecru

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 1:26 pm

there are some amazing parenting lectures for free!!!

please look into it, find a speaker you enjoy and listen to shiurim on chinuch/parenting on the way to / from work etc.

I found some very enjoyabel and inetresting lectures and some are actually funny - VERY HELPFUL !!!!! (at least for dh and me)

(in russian rav kushnir, in jiddish rav tauber...im sure there are many others---maybe some other ladies can come up with more free chiuch-shiur-ideas , some are easily downloadable)

what helps with my child is when he is exhausted/hungry and kvetches: I get down to his hight and say: "what you say sounds sooo interesting, I wish I could listen more to what you have to say but please say it in a calm voice, so that I can understand better. the way it sounds now is very confusing for me and I cannot easily grasp and respond. please try again." I say that very quietly and calmly and make a honest/serious face. then I give him a second to chap what I just said (it does sound very sophisticated for a 4 yo Smile

) and he tries again. or we try together- I give him words- active listening!

usually by this time the problem has been forgotten or solved on it own.

2 monutes later when he quetches---same approach, at some point he unconciously understands that there is just no way mommy understands unless he speaks 'nicely'.

this approach also calms me down beacuse I am forced into this 'artificial' slow calm way of speaking.

give it a try, maybe it will work at least for the younger one.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 4:04 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for that info. Which rabbi tauber r u referring to? Know his first name?

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 4:05 pm

amother wrote:

I used command for lack of better word to ise at that moment. But anyway, if I tell my child to stop fighting, that is a command. Its not up for argument.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Feb 09 2017, 5:07 pm

amother wrote:

I used command for lack of better word to ise at that moment. But anyway, if I tell my child to stop fighting, that is a command. Its not up for argument.

U sound like a great mom with great expectations of ur kids. U do realize tho that they r kinda young to expect anything too close to perfection. First get it in ur mind that ur kids r probably quite normal; no one ever said kids r easy. Hopefully that knowledge will make their shenanigans less stressful so that u have the peace of mind to deal with it in s calm manner. The book how to speak so kids will listen can be picked up at ur local library so it's essentially free

ProudMommie

Fri, Feb 10 2017, 12:59 am

You are a caring, normal mother with very high expectations... I hear you. I am like that too... Listen, we live in a difficult world and our kids are dealing with many things.. especially in school.. They need your compassion very much it sounds like.. but PLEASE when they are not home and you have some space to yourself, give yourself some compassion to.. and do something that you love..

I like to listen to a shiur while ironing.. read a chaim walder story (they are amazing... people speak series, etc.) learn Ivrit (I live in Israel).. listen to Rav Zamir Cohen.. he is very special... or anyone you like.., take a long long shower ---- the water also works like a mikvah I think... , light a candle.. it takes off stress... grow some lavendar on your porch/yard if possible..and put it in your bedroom calming.. dance to your favorite song ... whatever it is (no judgement)... exercise for 5 minutes...

5-10 minutes JUST FOR YOU.........

In order to give to our kids, we MUST give to ourselves first... (Try to eat a nice lunch that you make for yourself.. does not have to be fancy... do not grab and stuff into your mouth whatever is in the fridge...)...

When you have a full cup, you will be able to really give to your kids and inspire them not to kvetch so much... etc... and be positive... Believe me they will not need SOO much of you then.. and will be satisfied with you being able to do smthing themselves. Mommie is a person and has needs to... personal time.. etc.. Teach your kids to value their personal time..

We absolutely can NOT command kids. They are very sophisticated these days...

The books, the lectures..parenting classes all are wonderful... but if we are depleted, they don't help...

Remember one day your kindelach will get married I'H and have families of their own.. please remember you are now doing HOLY work.....One day you will miss their chairs by you in the kitchen because they will have their own kitchens! Enjoy now!!! You have the GREATEST priviledge from HKBH.. to be a mother and raise jewish people!!!!

From your post it is really clear that you are a very caring mother and they are lucky to have you!!!

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice" a quote I read ...

And like my husband says if the children drive you mad, just say a perek. which perek? any I say קכא

Iymnok

Fri, Feb 10 2017, 1:27 am

As soon as your child comes home, he needs food. A big plate of cut up fruits and vegetables
Some like attention, some want to just unwind alone.
Some need gross physical activity.
Some need to talk their day out.

Your 20 minutes of attention may be stifling. Figure out his individual need.

When you feel a need to command, try to find a different way of getting it done.
Give two choices, ask nicely, make a contest, give a small reward...
If "listening to Mommy" is a challenge in your house, make a sticker chart for every time they listen. But make it easy.

When children are arguing, telling them to stop doesn't help. You could ignore it, you could separate them, you could remove the article of contention.

Parenting needs A LOT if creativity.

amother

Gray

Fri, Feb 10 2017, 1:40 am

amother wrote:

My oldest is a 4 1/2 year old girl. So I can't comment on the fighting but I can tell you what worked by us regarding the kvetching. I explained to my kid that I love her and I want to play with her and talk to her but the one thing I cannot handle is a kvetch. (It brings out the worst in me - makes me nervous and I start screaming etc.) so if she talks like a kvetch, I'm going to assume she is tired and take her to her room to rest. She can come back as soon as she is ready to talk nicely. It's not a punishment- just that I can't handle hearing it so I'm helping her rest up so it'll pass. I had to take her upstairs exactly twice - and she was down within the minute. Since then, when she starts all I have to say is - uh oh! Do I hear a kvetch? And she changes her tone of voice! It's amazing to see.
Maybe worth a try