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amother
Gold


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 10:59 am
I am a BT. I became observant in college, along with my then BF, now husband. We've been married for 8 years, have a few kids, all is well.
We are both professionals, Im a JD and dh has an MBA, our combined income is over 250K and we are our early 30s, thus there is hope for more. However, we do not live in luxury, we are comfortable but life is quite expensive....
I live in a reasonably MO community (Chicago) and here we have a lot of professionals and what not. However, the more I learn about the customs of other "groups" the more questions I have about the $. Like the $$ spend on kallah gifts in certain groups, or the demands some make in shidduchim, to either provide or support a Kollel boy.
Honestly, if we had to shell out that kinda of money for gifts for every kids kallah and provide $$ for their first 3-5 years in kollel and then some, we would not be able to do so. But at the same time, we are professionals, educated with good jobs. So my question is, how do they do it? Am I missing something?

I do not want to judge or cause controversy, I am just feeling like Ive been mismanaging our $ and simply do not understand how others are able to support that kinda of a lifestyle....

Thank you.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:10 am
You save now for the wedding. If youre a bt in chicago you prob won't be marrying into chassidish circles. Instead of paying tuition you pay support. DW you'll be fine.
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esther990




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:24 am
Navy - I understand all that. What I dont understand is where the other people get their $ from and how can they manage. We are saving but I just dont understand ...
If you have 2 parents with like 6 kids and each parent is making 50K how is "supporting" possible?
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:29 am
FFB here making combined income of close to half a million dollars/year and have the same question!

We are making it but just barely and totally don't get how families making a fraction of what we earn are supporting couples etc.

I'll be following. . .
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:30 am
Also for many people who are at the stage of making a chassuna, your expenses look very different. You may have paid off your mortgage and your tuition burden is lower so your discretionary spending will look very different since those are the two biggest expenses. You may find you have more money to help your kids.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:35 am
The more you earn the more you spend.
You probably don't realize how much you spend that others don't necessarily.
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esther990




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:35 am
Mha3484 - we have a 30 year mortgage, which will be paid off in 23 years. Our oldest is 6, followed by 4 year old twins....We are saving, but its nowhere near the amount of what I am afraid we will need.....
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:38 am
People either have great income, family money or help from parents, are in debt, or are not saving for retirement. No magical solutions
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:47 am
I spend on high rent.
You spend on leasing 2 cars.
She spent her money on a mortgage.
Another spends on high brand clothes and jewelry.
Yet another spends on eating out once a week.
She spends one annual vacations.
Some spend on high tuition.

Etc, everyone spends where they prioritize.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:55 am
You get a great package on the jewelry.
You opt to make a cheap chasuna, either breaking ground locally (buffet style) or going to an east coast takana hall.
You don't offer support.

I'm yeshivish myself and I must say, OP, I wonder too.
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esther990




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:55 am
I simply do not understand the math. I see large families with parents supporting multiple kollel kids while still having a few kids in school/seminary. And these families are not in any business, or old family money.

If a family makes 100K a year, and has to support 3 kollel families that is 1500*12=18K
18*3=54k. Lets say after tax they have 74K left. 74-24 =20 K left for parents with lets say a kid or two still in school. How is this possible.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 11:57 am
[quote="]I simply do not understand the math. I see large families with parents supporting multiple kollel kids while still having a few kids in school/seminary. And these families are not in any business, or old family money.

If a family makes 100K a year, and has to support 3 kollel families that is 1500*12=18K
18*3=54k. Lets say after tax they have 74K left. 74-24 =20 K left for parents with lets say a kid or two still in school. How is this possible.[/quote]

BTW, welcome!
Again, beats me.
As for seminary, there are grants available like MASA, sometimes local federations, and if you qualify, FAFSA. And if you pick the right seminary that offers a klei kodesh discount or is wiling to give a scholarship to a needy and deserving girl, and is on the cheaper end of the seminaries, it's just about doable.
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esther990




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:02 pm
We are not poor enough to qualify for anything

Last edited by esther990 on Fri, Aug 11 2023, 3:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:04 pm
It's not just about prioritization thought. When you make more money, schools charge you more for tuition.

We are charged over 40% of our gross income on tuition and childcare. We have a solid middle upper class AGI, but there are so many poorer families at the schools we send to, that they inflate tuition for the higher earners. It's pretty much the same story at every school in my area, except for a couple that we wouldn't even get into. The schools turn our community socialist, and frankly I think it sucks.
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esther990




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:06 pm
amother wrote:
It's not just about prioritization thought. When you make more money, schools charge you more for tuition.

We are charged over 40% of our gross income on tuition and childcare. We have a solid middle upper class AGI, but there are so many poorer families at the schools we send to, that they inflate tuition for the higher earners. It's pretty much the same story at every school in my area, except for a couple that we wouldn't even get into. The schools turn our community socialist, and frankly I think it sucks.



This!!!
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:09 pm
OP, you say you are in an MO community. MO schools are much, much more expensive than other Jewish schools (according to Imamother). So put this into the mix.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:14 pm
Such a good question. I know in Israel there are money gemachs and kollel couples live on thin air. America - I have no clue.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:17 pm
cm wrote:
OP, you say you are in an MO community. MO schools are much, much more expensive than other Jewish schools (according to Imamother). So put this into the mix.


This. My aunt sends her three elementary school children to a MO elementary school. Her YEARLY tuition is more than what an average /nice wedding in my circles costs. (That's including all the extra nice gifts and some support.)
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esther990




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:26 pm
............

Last edited by esther990 on Fri, Aug 11 2023, 3:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Beige


 

Post Mon, Feb 13 2017, 12:36 pm
I was raised to be self supporting after high school. My parents let us live at home rent free for college but we always knew there would be no support once we were married.
I have 2 siblings who married fairly young and my parents paid for their half of the weddings (pretty simple weddings, very simple chattan/kallah gifts). I got married a bit older and received a token amount towards my wedding (no gift for my chattan even -- they figured that since I had been self supporting and not living at home for so many years that we could manage on our own). No elaborate baby gifts, my parents don't pay for brit milah or tefillin, or a down payment on a house. They give a few hundred dollar gift for each grandchild's birth and small birthday and Chanukah gifts. No children learning in kollel; we all work and support ourselves and our families.

You can raise your children without yeshivish expectations and do the best you can.
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