 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
|
amother
Bisque
|
 Sun, Feb 19 2017, 6:50 am
|
Are there hours when it would NOT be appropriate to go? Like after a certain time? Do people sit shiva in the evening? How late?
| |
|
| Back to top |
 0
 1
|
Smile1234
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 7:11 am
|
Ime if the people sitting shiva aren't elderly or sick they sit all day till late evening. If you're not sure you can call the shiva house in advance and ask whoever answers the phone.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
7
|
|
amother
Amethyst
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 7:34 am
|
Don't go before minyan in the morning or after 9 pm. It's exhausting to have a nonstop stream of visitors.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
12
|
|
amother
Amber
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 7:49 am
|
Unless you're family, people don't go in the first 3 days.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
8
|
Simple1
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 8:01 am
| amother wrote: | | Unless you're family, people don't go in the first 3 days. | Are you sure? Or does this maybe depend on the particulars.
Because I know some people who really wanted visitors the first few days. Maybe not necessarily the first day. Also depends how close the friendship. Distant aquaintences I might agree it makes sense to wait.
.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
7
|
cm
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 8:09 am
| amother wrote: | | Unless you're family, people don't go in the first 3 days. |
I am not familiar with this custom.
I agree with no early morning or after 9 pm visits. Also, I would avoid typical mealtimes (noon hour and 6-7 pm) unless it is your turn to deliver a meal.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
Rubber Ducky
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 8:28 am
|
Most people prefer to have breaks to eat without visitors, but the exact times will vary. If nobody posted "visiting hours" I would try to avoid between noon and 2, and 5:30 - 7, or whenever people commonly eat where you live.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
5
|
|
amother
Azure
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 8:30 am
| amother wrote: | | Unless you're family, people don't go in the first 3 days. |
I've heard of doing that, only close friends or close relatives for the first 3 days after a parent dies. Not sure where it comes from.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
6
|
|
amother
Mistyrose
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 8:32 am
| amother wrote: | | Unless you're family, people don't go in the first 3 days. |
Never heard that one heard the first day only.
Btdt sitting shiva
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
skee
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 9:31 am
I have heard of only family on the first day, but not the first three days.
I would try to avoid arriving after 9 pm. Also be aware of minyan times. It is best to avoid them unless you're going with DH and he is going for the minyan. I think it is not necessary to avoid what you think are meal times unless the family has specified no visitors during certain hours. Meal times vary a lot and unless everyone knows to avoid certain times there will probably not be a break at a certain time. You might think you are being polite to avoid 6-7 (for example) and show up at 7:30, only to find the avel has just started eating because there were visitors between 6 and 7. That being said, if you are there around a meal time and the avel has not eaten it would be polite to stay only a short time.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
5
|
|
amother
Coffee
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 9:38 am
|
I always wondered why there were never universal shiva hours put in to place. Unfortunately, some people don't have the sense not to come too late.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
cnc
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 9:45 am
|
In my community it's also accepted not to go the first three days unless you're very close.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
|
amother
Plum
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 10:20 am
| cnc wrote: | | In my community it's also accepted not to go the first three days unless you're very close. |
It is actually a halacha.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
3
|
|
amother
Gold
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 10:21 am
| amother wrote: | | It is actually a halacha. |
Can you please quote the source for this halacha?
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
|
amother
Plum
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 10:36 am
I went to a school that taught us the rules of shiva. And my mother lost two of her younger brothers rl. So some tips I can for sure tell you from my mom's experience.
One is not allowed to talk before the avel starts talking.
Only family (or very very close friends) are allowed to come the first three days.
It is appropriate to cry.
One is not allowed to take out food out of a shiva home.
Please do not walk in 9 am or 12 Pm or 5pm as the family would like to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Do not discuss the cause of death unless they bring it up.
Feel free to share any stories that you have to say about the niftar.
Do not force them to discuss a subject even if it is about the nifter. If they want to discuss baby carriages then do so.
One is not allowed to kiss an avel during shiva.
Please do not say I am so sorry for your loss and rub the person's back. They need personal space and they haven't showered for a week and they don't need you touching them.
Please do not say I understand you because my dog died two years ago. Humans and dogs are not the same.
Do not come be ניחום אבלים,after 10:30 max.
If you do not know the pasuk do not say ולכל בני ישראל לא יחרץ כלב לשונו.
. Like a girl once said to her classmate that was sitting shiva (its a true story that happened)
Do not tell the avel you need to have more emunah etc.
We should only have simchas with a happy heart.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
9
|
|
amother
Azure
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 10:43 am
| amother wrote: | | It is appropriate to cry. |
When one of my friends was sitting shiva she complained to me that she cries enough on her own and does not need people to start crying on her. "And what if I'm not in the mood of crying this second, why do I have to calm others??"
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
PAMOM
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 10:48 am
Plum and others, I have checked with my LOR who said it is NOT Halacha that only family comes the first 3 days. I also know that we could not have had a minyan without friends because we have very little family where I live. Our friends brought my husband great comfort.
Customs obviously vary by community.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
5
|
Simple1
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 11:22 am
|
Amother plum can you clarify? "I'm sorry for your loss" is not appropriate? I thought that was standard. Not at a shiva because you say " HaMakom..." but in general to acknowledge a loss.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
singleagain
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 11:30 am
One thing I remember my father telling me in the years since he lost his father was that most of Shiva is minhag and it is one of the most flexible customizable minhagim out there bc ppl grive differently.
I would therefore suggest to call someone in the know for any manner and or minahg questions you might have. It may be spouse of avel, or an in law ... Some other close relationship who isn't also sitting. Or a community organizer.
May all the avelim be comforted.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
|
amother
Plum
|
Sun, Feb 19 2017, 11:35 am
| Simple1 wrote: | | Amother plum can you clarify? "I'm sorry for your loss" is not appropriate? I thought that was standard. Not at a shiva because you say " HaMakom..." but in general to acknowledge a loss. |
It got my mother very nervous every time she heard it. Just say the pasuk and say BT
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
0
|
|
Imamother may earn commission when you use our links to make a purchase.
© 2024 Imamother.com - All rights reserved
|  |
 |
|
 |
|
|
